Cocochai Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Okay, so you two were suppose to meet up, but his wife put a monkey wrench in you two meeting up (she was suspicious or had him doing something else) and he couldn't make the date. Or, lets say you hear about or see him doing something wonderful for his wife... How did you react? Are you the emotional stir crazy person or, the understanding but "I don't know how much more I can put up with this" type person? I often wonder if the MM/MW gets drawn more emotional to the OW/OM because of them being more understanding and less dramatic about the situation. In other words, the see more of the reality of things until... the OW/OM wants more from the relationship. In other words, how did you handle being "second" in dealing with a MM/MW.
canuckprincess Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Okay, so you two were suppose to meet up, but his wife put a monkey wrench in you two meeting up (she was suspicious or had him doing something else) and he couldn't make the date. Or, lets say you hear about or see him doing something wonderful for his wife... How did you react? Are you the emotional stir crazy person or, the understanding but "I don't know how much more I can put up with this" type person? I often wonder if the MM/MW gets drawn more emotional to the OW/OM because of them being more understanding and less dramatic about the situation. In other words, the see more of the reality of things until... the OW/OM wants more from the relationship. In other words, how did you handle being "second" in dealing with a MM/MW. I feel I'm second to the bs and I'm sure she feels the same way.
Sarabi Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I was the understanding but not sure how much more I can put up with it type. In the end I was crying all the time when talking to him and emotions were all over the place with trying to be nice and understanding but also that he should get lost and be the perfect husband because I couldn't bear to hear about him/them/their relationship. It just began to upset and annoy me to a whole new level I don't know why he talkedvto me about their relationship...he said he felt he needed someone he could talk to about these things... But anyway it doesn't matter. The perfect couple are enjoying their amazing marriage I suppose
bentleychic Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 It totally varies per situation. It's only happened a few times in regards to her, though, thankfully. It's happened a lot more due to work (and I can actually verify that he truly is working so I do know this isn't just a lie/excuse to cancel) than due to her, though.
Lady2163 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I am a long distance situation. When I go to see him, I get a hotel room and I get away from my home based business. I work miserably hard. I dont get a lot of sleep. I love my job and if I keep going like I am, I can retire in 7 - 10 years, build my dream house, travel a bit and enjoy my hobbies. That's if I stay single. But, except for phone calls and a few emails a day, when I go to see him, my work is non existent. I live in a small town. He lives in a large city. When I go to see him, I make plans of things I want to do, places I want to go, shopping that needs to be done. I've joked before that there was less planning for D-Day (the real one) than what I do before I go to a Super Wal-mart. It took a whie for me to figure out what questions to ask. "what is your schedule like today, tomorrow." "when do you know you are definitely NOT available" "when are you able to come back?" The first couple of times he didn't remember what was next on his schedule. I explained to him without anger that I wasn't going to just hang out at the hotel, there were things I wanted to do. He got it. I always have a back up activity if he cancels. Plus, I sleep a LOT. He rarely cancels, BUT he is often late. It is the nature of his job, not so much his wife changing things on him. I don't get mad about it very often, I've seen enough of him, he's late for a lot of things, not just me. Once again, it is his job, not a personality trait.
LilGirlandOW Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 This happened to us once, it made me very emotional.... we were supposed to meet for a date, I got all done up and mostly ready when he calls and says "Sorry, blah blah blah, but I love you blah blah blah, xoxo". I played on his jealousy and possesivness and I replied about 20mins later "Its ok, going out with a GF to xxx for a night, we're gonna hit up some casinos and have some fun, love you xo". He must have called and texted 100 times that night, he says all the time that his ultimate fear is an attractive single guy hitting on me, cause he would have more to offer. MM see's this as a threat real enough that i've heard it at least 10 times come up in convo's throughout our R.
LilGirlandOW Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 In a moment of brutal honesty, I've used that suit of card, not exact card, but played the same emotions, 2 other times, both when he spoke of things he had coming up with BS
Sarabi Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 He must have called and texted 100 times that night, he says all the time that his ultimate fear is an attractive single guy hitting on me, cause he would have more to offer. MM see's this as a threat real enough that i've heard it at least 10 times come up in convo's throughout our R. It makes me laugh when they get upset with you going out with single men or meeting other people yet they want to retain their nice marriage . He has so much more to offer but he keeps you hanging on a string for it?! Reminds me of a time mine told me: "sometimes I don't believe that any man will love you the way I can" What a load of ****!ng b0llock$! idiot!
Sarabi Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Ok...I was the emotional, angry, not understanding and not wanting to put up with anymore. Honestly..once someone tells you their relationship is horrible, or that they are leaving..etc etc etc. I don't see why you would put effort into the relationship. If you are, that means you are lying to me, not that I wouldn't expect you to and since I expect you too because my walls are up and I'm guarded it pisses me off even more if you make a fool of me with your pleas of staying with you and your promises of a future. I'm in a bad temperament today...I think all mm should rot. I just went through some old emails,...oh the "please stop i need you" and the " you are the end I want to the grave just give me time" grrrri wish it were in paper so I could burn it..maybe I will print them and burn them...on his car. There is some white spirit under my sink. I will pass it to you and the fire will be easier to start... Lol 1
MissBee Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 (edited) How our situation was, it wasn't always obvious that I was an "other", but the times when it was apparent, like when he spent the weekend with her and I didn't hear from him, or when he made a casual remark about her and something they had to do together, once when I accidentally saw his computer screen and that he online shopped for both our valentine's day gifts at the same time, and other little things which made it clear they had a relationship , I didn't do well with it. I would be moody and hurt or upset and just ready to be done with the situation. I am not cut out for sharing or for being in a relationship where I know my man has another, whether I am second or first, I don't care....if I'm not the ONLY, I'm gonna be bothered/frustrated/hurt/annoyed/furious about it at some point or the other. I was never a happy OW by any stretch. I dealt with it but I was always of the mind that "I don't know how much more of this I can take." I never really tried to be okay with the situation...I couldn't. So usually when stuff like that happened it either turned into a huge argument, or I emotionally distanced myself, and he'd notice, which would lead to tension. Edited July 27, 2013 by MissBee 1
bentleychic Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I am not cut out for sharing or for being in a relationship where I know my man has another, whether I am second or first, I don't care....if I'm not the ONLY, I'm gonna be bothered/frustrated/hurt/annoyed/furious about it at some point or the other. I was never a happy OW by any stretch. I dealt with it but I was always of the mind that "I don't know how much more of this I can take." I never really tried to be okay with the situation...I couldn't. So usually when stuff like that happened it either turned into a huge argument, or I emotionally distanced myself, and he'd notice, which would lead to tension. This is kind of me, normally the emotionally distance myself part, though. We certainly end up in odd situations considering we don't like to share, hmmm?
Author Cocochai Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 (edited) I was the understanding/keep those emotions in check type of person. I'm a laid back person who doesn't like drama but when I didn't respond back to a text... He'd worry about me being upset. Or if I didn't contact him first enough he'd be concern of something he did. In the end, he took advantage of me being understanding and started treating me as "She already knows the deal" why be considered of her feelings in a way. Him and I were friends on Facebook and his wife would always post/tag pictures of him. I filtered his profile but if I wanted to see what he was up to when we took a break from each other, I glanced at his page every now and then. He would always see the sexy cute pictures I posted. He would always "LIKE" my pictures and I was like "His wife has to see this". I never once made a status of our relationship and just acted like I didn't care about his wife posting everything single thing they did together, because he has to fake like he's not living a double life. In the end I couldn't take it anymore, seeing their wedding anniversary pictures a week later after my bday took a tool on me. He posted "My beautiful wife on our anniversary" and she looked smokin' hot that night. At that moment, I de-friended him and blocked him. My feelings were crushed In a sick twisted way... I thought to myself how it just shows how he could care less about my feelings even though I was the understanding person. Hello!!! He never took into considerations of my feelings or his wife's but only his own feelings... But I was the understanding person, but an understanding person can only take but so much. Edited July 27, 2013 by Cocochai 1
MissBee Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 This is kind of me, normally the emotionally distance myself part, though. We certainly end up in odd situations considering we don't like to share, hmmm? Won't end up there again though, one experience was enough for me to know I don't like it and it's not good for my sanity lol.
Silly_Girl Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 We had weekends that we couldn't book because he had other obligations, but this was not an issue as we never could have done every weekend as it didn't suit me. The one time I was (nearly) stood up I'd spent 2 hours driving to his area and he called up say she had an important submission due in, and computer issues and had asked him to do XYZ to assist. To her, he was late for a golf date and in her eyes (and me in her shoes) her issue took precedence. He was an hour late in the end. In this instance it didn't bother me. I used to be frequently running late, and I understood the situation. I had been late many times collecting him from the station due to work commitments so I sort of didn't mind. And we still had our day. Not sure how I'd have reacted if he'd cancelled or it had happened regularly.
bentleychic Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Won't end up there again though, one experience was enough for me to know I don't like it and it's not good for my sanity lol. He's actually begged me to promise to never get involved with a MM again if we don't work out b/c he's seen how bad it's messed me up and hurt me. NOT a problem. NEVER AGAIN!
affairaddict Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I never complained about anything about her or his family I was accepting. I did go mad sometimes. Haha that's my personality though laidback then boom.. Usually after drinking. "I hate you." Or "you let me down" It was filled with emotion. These were infrequent outbursts. He never lost his temper with me . Always mr cool and laidback.
happy stillmore Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I was always the "I don't know how much more I can take" woman. That is why I made the decision to end it. I don't want to share the love of my life. It became apparent he was playing both sides, acting like a good husband by following his wife's rules (not texting or seeing me) at my expense. You simply can't have a relationship without talking or seeing each other. He would text late at night or at work. Made me feel like I was second (which I was). As long as he was under their roof, he had to follow her rules. It was then that I knew I had to walk away for my sanity. 1
Phoenix32 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I personally believe that my MM should put his wife and family first, and I have no problem with it. In fact, I refuse to even text him when he is with his wife or kids, since I know he doesn't get to see them much (he lives in a different state than them due to work). If he wants to get in touch with me when he is with them, that's fine but I will not interrupt his time with them. And no it does not bother me when he posts sweet things on his wife's Facebook for their anniversary, or pictures of them together. Although they do not have a happy marriage, I feel that his first commitment is to his family and any time I get to spend with him I am grateful for. 2
cocorico Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Okay, so you two were suppose to meet up, but his wife put a monkey wrench in you two meeting up (she was suspicious or had him doing something else) and he couldn't make the date. Or, lets say you hear about or see him doing something wonderful for his wife... How did you react? Are you the emotional stir crazy person or, the understanding but "I don't know how much more I can put up with this" type person? I often wonder if the MM/MW gets drawn more emotional to the OW/OM because of them being more understanding and less dramatic about the situation. In other words, the see more of the reality of things until... the OW/OM wants more from the relationship. In other words, how did you handle being "second" in dealing with a MM/MW. I was never second. He was always fully available to me, to the extent of jumping on a plane and flying to me immediately when I did not want to discuss something via Skype. And as for doing something wonderful for her, there was none of that. Unless a hair straightener for her frizzy hair counts? (She bought it, and asked him to refund her, for her birthday.) I'm not the hysterical type though, so making scenes is not my kind of thing. But if I felt. Was being treated as "second", I'd simply have dumped him and moved on. 1
zevahc Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I was the understanding/keep those emotions in check type of person. I'm a laid back person who doesn't like drama but when I didn't respond back to a text... He'd worry about me being upset. Or if I didn't contact him first enough he'd be concern of something he did. In the end, he took advantage of me being understanding and started treating me as "She already knows the deal" why be considered of her feelings in a way. Him and I were friends on Facebook and his wife would always post/tag pictures of him. I filtered his profile but if I wanted to see what he was up to when we took a break from each other, I glanced at his page every now and then. He would always see the sexy cute pictures I posted. He would always "LIKE" my pictures and I was like "His wife has to see this". I never once made a status of our relationship and just acted like I didn't care about his wife posting everything single thing they did together, because he has to fake like he's not living a double life. In the end I couldn't take it anymore, seeing their wedding anniversary pictures a week later after my bday took a tool on me. He posted "My beautiful wife on our anniversary" and she looked smokin' hot that night. At that moment, I de-friended him and blocked him. My feelings were crushed In a sick twisted way... I thought to myself how it just shows how he could care less about my feelings even though I was the understanding person. Hello!!! He never took into considerations of my feelings or his wife's but only his own feelings... But I was the understanding person, but an understanding person can only take but so much. I did the same thing after their anniv...but she contacted me..and gave me a story about "what am I supposed to do etc..." regarding the anniversary. She carefully worded her post about. She's always told me I was the one, but she was raised to stay with her commitment even if it's not perfect. I don't think it's that bad (her M), but it's not as "natural" as what she feels with me...so she's staying trying to make it work...and even just 2 days ago told me I will always be the "one"...but timing didn't work out...we met too late. But I tried for a long time now to understand her position and how I would be if it were me (I'm a single OM). But I can't be understanding anymore..i want to be married to my best friend...so I need to find another best friend whom I can have an incredible connection with...
Author Cocochai Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 I personally believe that my MM should put his wife and family first, and I have no problem with it. In fact, I refuse to even text him when he is with his wife or kids, since I know he doesn't get to see them much (he lives in a different state than them due to work). If he wants to get in touch with me when he is with them, that's fine but I will not interrupt his time with them. And no it does not bother me when he posts sweet things on his wife's Facebook for their anniversary, or pictures of them together. Although they do not have a happy marriage, I feel that his first commitment is to his family and any time I get to spend with him I am grateful for. I can handle most stuff but seeing pic's of them professing thir love was too much for me to handle. It showed his true double life and Me telling myself, "If his wife only knew his head was just between my legs two weeks ago"
anne1707 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I was never second. He was always fully available to me, to the extent of jumping on a plane and flying to me immediately when I did not want to discuss something via Skype. And as for doing something wonderful for her, there was none of that. Unless a hair straightener for her frizzy hair counts? (She bought it, and asked him to refund her, for her birthday.) I'm not the hysterical type though, so making scenes is not my kind of thing. But if I felt. Was being treated as "second", I'd simply have dumped him and moved on. Actually you sound incredibly high maintenance and demanding if a man has to jump on a plane to appease you because you won't talk on skype. 4
cocorico Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Actually you sound incredibly high maintenance and demanding if a man has to jump on a plane to appease you because you won't talk on skype. I didn't ask it of him, he simply did it. It was an important issue that I felt was best discussed f2f, and while I would have been happy to defer the discussion until we could do so, he was not. But yes, I was demanding. I knew what I wanted and was not prepared to settle for less. I was perfectly happy on my own and was only prepared to accept someone into my life on terms that suited me. If you consider that "high maintenance", so be it. I consider it knowing my own worth. 1
psm04 Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Are you the emotional stir crazy person or, the understanding but "I don't know how much more I can put up with this" type person? I was the latter. I'm married too, so I would think 'well, i have obligations with my H too', etc. But, I kept thinking that I wouldn't be able to put up with much more. OMM was better at compartmentalizing than I was, or at least he didn't act as bothered with me and my H as I was with him and his W.
Author Cocochai Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 *snipped post due to length* That is a very candid post. Interesting perspective. In the end do you feel he valued his wife more than he valued you? Or was it himself that he valued the most in the end? If your a person that sees thing for what it is, and won't call a cup of coffee tea... Then you already should know what your going to get yourself into dealing w/ someone who's already unavilable to you from the start. That's where the understanding comes from... Until you start wanting more out of it because feelings get involved. Of course all cheaters think and value themslves in the end when having affairs. 1
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