Aimz Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I apologize in advance for the length, I just need some feedback from unbiased sources. It's a fairly long story. So my ex and I broke up on May 6th. I still remember it vividly. We were only together officially for seven months, nine all together but he was my first real boyfriend. First person i ever fell in love with. I'm 25. So yeah.. Anyway, I've known him for five years now. We've been friends the whole time, though not always in contact (I've always had feelings for him so I've had to back away at times) Anyway, for almost four years, he had a girlfriend. (We've never gotten along. I'm jealous of her and I think she's an idiot..) Anyway, last summer she broke up with him to be with another guy. My ex was devastated. It took him completely by surprise. But then the other guy she left him for didn't want a relationship with her so she came crawling back. My ex told her no. Anyway, while all this was happening, he and I were getting closer again. I hadn't seen him in nearly a year and a half and we were talking on a daily basis. Two months after they broke up, he and i started talking about getting together officially. In the end of Sept we made it official. Yes, i realize that four months after a four year relationship isn't a good idea, but I am human. How after four years of caring for this guy was I supposed to tell him no? How? He wanted to take it slow so he could make sure his feelings were genuine. He promised he'd never hurt me or lead me on. Not to worry about us and that he'd never break my heart. Well the ex was never out of the picture, kept begging him back, he'd tell her to backoff but she'd eventually start again. I tried to be the good girlfriend. Never told him he couldn't talk to her. He never acted like he wanted to see her. He acted like she was kind of pathetic at this point. Anyway, about late Feb, i really began to fall in love with him. We never told each other it, but i felt it. Fast forward to May. He tells me that he thinks we should break up. That he loves me but he doesn't know if he'll ever be in love with me. I was devastated (still tear up as i'm writing all this down) The first thing i did was ask him if it was her. He promised me it wasn't. told me over and over again. He said he wanted to be friends. I wanted to so badly because we were friends before. Anyway, I went through the whole ordeal. Asking him to reconsider. Telling him i couldn't be his friend, asking him to hang out, asking him why he didn't think he could love me, why he didn't think he could give me 100%, if it was something i did, if it was the ex(he reassured me it wasn't.) He said it just wasnt there right now. I made every excuse for him. I've kept a journal since the week after it happened and writing him notes any time i have something to say to him. The journal is over 30k words and i've filled up a notebook with letters to him. It's the only way i know to cope. I can tell where i have days that get better but then other days were i feel like i'm completely regressing. But anyway, as soon as the ex gets wind we break up, she's begging for him back. Starts trying to hang out, is just sending him text after text and at first, he wasn't responding much. (as told by a mutual friend) then he finally gives in and they start hanging out in late June. At the beginning of July, I find out they are pretty much back together without being official. She's over all the time, cooking for him, etc. All of his friends think he is an idiot for taking her back. No one really cared for her. She's loud, no filter, attention seeking, etc.. and he said something about how we needed to talk and how she respects me and wants he and i to be friends and i blew up on him. Basically calling BS on everything and told him i couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't pretend like i was okay. So I havent talked to him in any form since July 6th. Deleted him from FB, Instagram, Texts, etc. I basically feel like I was lied to the entire time. I mean i feel like he never got over her leaving him. And if he really wasn't in love with her or didn't have feelings for her, why would he have started hanging out again? Letting her stay over, etc. He was never the one to initiate contact with her, but she'd still text him so it's not like he ever went completely no contact with her. I just feel like an idiot for trusting him so much. I'm still heartbroken that one of the most important people in my life broke every promise he ever told me. That I still love him. I hate that i still love him. I hate that i can't stop loving him. I dont want to be with him because i know he lied to me about everything, but at the same time, i still cant help missing him. Can't help my feelings for him. I just want it to all be over but it never seems like it will be. Im just devastated that I cared for someone so deep and now i feel like i was nothing to him. He can live his life perfectly happy and i'm just over here crying still. So sorry for the book. I just needed to get it out.
TaraMaiden Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I'm really sorry for the pain you're going through. Some things I would tell you: He's immature. And will be for some considerable time. Picture him as a 9-year-old. See? It fits. And it's accurate. He's a little boy lost who wants all the shiny things the easy way. he thought it would be okay to hurt you because your past friendship would see you through. He was wrong. If you made any error, it was to withhold your feelings. That said, I'm not certain it would have made any difference to have told him how you felt, sooner. I think they'll break up again, because he's easily led, but will tire of the situation and seek newer stimulation. he may even try coming back to you. I would very strongly advise you against going down that route.... And whatever you do, try to not 'snowball'. It concerns me that you're keeping a journal with so much written down. While journals can be useful as a venting aid, they can be detrimental to your progress because unless you're working closely with a counsellor, all they do is keep you stuck in grief.
maturityassets Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Its a complicated situation. You definitely received the most damage of the though. But these things end up cyclical between people. My ex left me after an old hook up friend/crush told her on our initial break from one another that she should be single. Then decides to break it off with me for good. Goes to hook up with the guy, but realizes he doesn't want a relationship with him and she sees there is nothing with that guy either. Fast forward 4 months later, after I blew up and stuff, I'm in a new relationship. I'm hoping my ex keeps to her word after I blew up and said that she doesn't think we could be more than friends ever again because it would be difficult for me to tell the first love that I don't want her anymore. Regardless emotions are complicated and it takes a long time to decipher what they mean. He is an idiot for going back to her, especially so soon after calling you guys off. Its so unfortunate for you to be caught in this mess, especially you feel that your first love has betrayed you. But its necessary to vent to others sometimes and take the advice from people like Tara Maiden who really have strong advice. I just try to offer first hand experience as well. Best of luck!
Author Aimz Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Thanks for the replies. Idk. I know I've written a lot. Most of it was in may and june. Less in July.I guess I'm just prone to writing. Its always been a coping mechanism for me no matter what the event is. I thought about getting a therapist or a social worker but I just feel like people have much worse problems than me. Why should I waste their time? Idk. I'm just so confused. Like I'm angry that he did this but I still care about him. I do so much. I want to hate him. To never see him again. To hope and pray he regrets this decision. That he realizes I would have loved him forever. Idk. Some days I feel okay. Other days I feel like I'm right back to square one. I've just never been hurt like this by anyone. Especially not someone that meant so much to me. I trusted him so blindly. Its just numbing.
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