aJoy Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t41200/ <--- first post that explains this relationship a little better.. but not even all the way... First, I have come to the conclusion that this guy has been totally emotionally abusive towards me and really really really ran a number on me. But when you're all love struck and what not ya just don't get it, do you? Not until you wake up and smell the hot sh*t, realize that the guy you long to have sleeping beside you again is really full of hooey and is not even near good enough for you do you put it all together... and understand.. finally, understand. ANYWAY, NO CONTACT is the best thing since peanut butter! I swear, ever since I decided I was going to ignore his calls and send him to hell... he's called more, and started acting crazy and while, it's not good to wish insanity on anyone, it has comforted me tremendously to see what a lunatic he is and it even embarassed me a little that I've been getting so worked up for so long over a total LOSER! I haven't spoken to him in a month, we didn't have a fight or anything... actually, last month when we had our last 2hr conversation (the usual when I'm upset.. he talks me into circles until I just give up and agree with whatever the hell he's saying, which basically is that I never have a right to be upset with him, if I really love him that is..) he told me that "our lives were on separate paths" and that he'd "be okay with hearing from me once every three months" just to let him know I'm okay... (He lives in another state now, b/c I've moved.. to get away from his crazy hurtful a** and move on... which I've been slow to do) and at the end of the conversation he said we were both on the same page and that we'd live together and be together when he was ready to move to be with me. Confusion all around. So, I just woke the hell up and said, ya know what? F HIM! AND F THIS RELATIOn****! I stopped talking to him and lo and behold Mr.calleverythreemonths is calling all the time, and he even tried blocking his number as if he doesn't know me well enough to know I don't answer blocked calls. It felt sooooo good to see him getting worked up, leaving me messages in which he sounded lost and confused... Then he sent me this stupid email, where he said that he thought he atleast deserved to hear me say i don't wanna talk to you anymore... whatever, he was just trying to get a rise out of me... the end of the email, he tells me he loves me still, always... blah blah blah... I could still sense the arrogance and the assholishness in the tone of the email... I simply wrote him back, short simple to the point : " have a nice life." and his last words to me were something about "guess forever only lasts a moment".. I think that was to get a reaction too because um... didn't you tell me last month "our lives are on separate paths?" Total NUTCASE! I didn't respond to that, because, I AM DONE! And after all I've been through if he ever wanted a chance with me again, he'd have to start atleast by admitting that he mistreated me, while I treated him like gold. Seriously, LIKE GOLD! I treated him so well, better than anyone else I've ever been with (because I'd never felt so strongly about anyone).. didn't smother, didn't fight, just did him right... I've learned so much from this relationship... you'll never see me playing wifey to a boyfriend again! I always felt I would be the perfect girlfriend for anyone, and he made me forget that. He beat my self esteem almost completely outta me.. so i had to rebuild, it took some time but I got it together enough to know that I DO NOT NEED TO TALK TO HIM ANYMORE EVER AGAIN !!! Before, it was almost suffocating to think of my life without him, now, I see that I've been living my life without him because he was never really with me and I was never really included in his life.. so, not talking to him changes only one thing: that he just doesn't hurt my feelings anymore. And what could be better? I have the satisfaction of having seen him act like he did this month, the satisfaction of knowng he's full of sh*t and did I mention, the satisfaction that ignoring someone brings when they're trying like hell to talk to you? HAH! ... and no matter what he tries to make it look like, no matter how much he wants to believe I walked away, I know I wasn't the one that quit on "us"... and I know that it'll probably be a cold day in hell before he ever meets anyone who is as dedicated to him as I was for the year that we were together. Now, after no contact comes... I NEED A NEW MAN! And it's hard as hell to find one. GEESH! Well, I haven't been this single in years... I think I kinda like it but I'm really really ready for someone new. I wanna be swept off my feet... I want fireworks! (NOW!?) I also have to admit, that I still do think about him (obviously).. but it's not horribly painful.. I just reminisce on the "good times".. i know it's only because I miss the affection, and ofcourse, sex... but it's not enough to make me want to talk to him.. For the first time, I actually feel he is my ex boyfriend... I actually feel he's in the past. There's still something that I feel for him and it'll be a very long time before that goes away, or until the next boy comes along.... ALL IN ALL... NO CONTACT RULES! leave them alone and they'll come running... and you can smile and walk away.. then laugh when you get home, and tell all your friends who have watched you suffer through this what an idiot he's acting like... HAH!
TZ Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 Yesssss!!!!! Excellent post, glad to hear about your situation. Mimics my situation almost to a tee! I am soooo happy for you!!! Bravo, bravo, bravo! I also did no contact and he came back after 6 months. I had started talking, and he talks to me like I owe him something, like I should be happy he's back. Aaarghh, he can be so arrogant and self-centered. Not even apologizing for the way he treated me and the things he said to me, essentially demeaning my lifestyle, workstyle, education, even cultural background. Can you believe that he also blocks his calls? As if I don't know it's him. And he has the nerve to say he's changed. He's totally full of insecurities, which translate into jealousy, control-freakness, delusions of me having an affair... Good riddance!!!
Panther Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 I Have seent he same thign with my Ex Girlfriend. I finally had to ban her from coming to where I work so I can heal under the NO CONTACT rule. I am doing better everyday. Still miss her and her little girl a bit. Let me rephrase that. I com-letely miss her little girl, but since I was not the biological father I ahve no rights when a relationship ends. Wierd part is her Ex (The FAther of the Child) called me up out of the blue when he found we broke up and warned me of her mind games. I brushed him off at first (thinking sour grapes and I didn't want to get involved with there issues) but lo and behold, everythign he predicted came true. Funny part abouyt people who ask for space is this... When you ask for it back, they are dumbfounded that you need it now.....
chicothechimp Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 I have to admit that there is almost something pathological about a person who can verbalize about "loving you deeply" right up until the moment they break up with you... and then suddenly they are cold, distant and "not sure of things"... the irony? they want their new founded understanding/feeling to be granted papal authority and to be fully bindinig on both persons... if there is physical abuse or emotional rape going on YES I can see that one could see this break-up coming... but for someone to suddenly (and usually selfishly/alone) decide that "I don't feel for you what I once did" is just plain scary... I have had days where I don't feel like going to work or paying my bills... but I do it anyway... what kind of a flakey society reduces relationship glue to a completely subjective feeling of "you just gotta do what you gotta do no matter what anyone else says"? no wonder so many young people have sush a ****ty view of loyalty/devotion/marriage/commitment... that is my rant... thanks for listening. Chico
DJ_Dork Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 Uh the premise of "No Contact" is to not have any contact while you are on a "break up." - If one or two person decide that they should get together and resolve some issues a month later, then let it be so. Seems you're gloating over this and getting sick satisfaction watching your former lover try to get your attention. Stop leading him on and tell him straight you do not want to get involved at all and tell him to stop calling you. I don't think you're that innocent and you're making him this awful monster to everyone, one acts in reaction to how another acts.
Author aJoy Posted October 29, 2004 Author Posted October 29, 2004 Yeah sure... whatever dj dork! Just so you know, this guy has treated me like CRAP! LED ME ON! ANd is continuing to do so without ever admitting the sh*t he's done wrong to me. AND NO! I did not lead him on, I simply ignored his calls and when he sent me an email I wrote him back and told him to "have a nice life", if that's not saying leave me alone, along with ignoring his calls for the last month I don't know what does. Maybe you should re-read my post before you try to rain on my parade! THis guy treated me like crap, now he's chasing after me, I'm not going back to him and I AM HAPPY WATCHING HIM CHASE AFTER ME! And ya, I am totally innocent in this considering all that's gone down. So, thanks for input buddy!
Author aJoy Posted October 29, 2004 Author Posted October 29, 2004 Originally posted by Panther Funny part abouyt people who ask for space is this... When you ask for it back, they are dumbfounded that you need it now..... ISNT THAT THE TRUTH!? and TZ.. wouldn't it help if they could atleast apologize, admit the wrong they've done? This one told me that if I got so worked up on my own about things (because he has no problems) then I didn't really need him anyway.. So then, I leave him alone and what does he do? Start acting a fool about my not speaking to him... go figure. He tells me, I have to say this one again: that we're on "separate paths" because I moved, tries to make me feel bad about moving (even though he said he'd go with me) and then tells me he loves me, forever and sees me being in his life forever. I think his intention was just to confuse me enough to keep me dangling and hanging around. He told me in that last conversation that we were in a "gray" area... I don't do gray area. I want a sure thing or nothing at all, and I made that clear but then, I'm crazy for needing things to be clear. Some days are better than others, I still hear the sh** he's said to me in my head sometimes but I'm just so glad this whole ordeal is behind me, I'm done dating jerks! I'm still a little confused about what dj dork was talking about... must not have been reading my post.
ltomlinson81 Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 I think No Contact is great. I have been trying to do it for about 3 weeks. My ex and I broke up almost 2 months ago. I wish I had initiated it from the beginning. My problem is that once a week, I get this urge to email him and tell him how I feel. I need help in stopping myself from doing this. Any advice?
dizi Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 aJoy, you made my freakin' day! Keep up the good work!!
Just Visiting Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 Good for you aJoy! Very empowering to read this. Especially for those who are/were in the same type of situation.
Author aJoy Posted October 29, 2004 Author Posted October 29, 2004 I'm glad I can be of service! Really, the pain of breaking up has got to be the worst ever! BUT JUST KNOW THAT WHEN YOU MAKE IT PAST THE HURT, LIFE ONLY GETS BETTER!!! it always helps to know that you're not the only one that feels like sh*t sometimes, and you're not the only one who gets rejected... advice on reisting the urge to email huh? ... well, i think i need the same advice... because i still have random urges to tell him off one last time, and let him know exactly what he did to me... but, i just stop and remember that he was there, and he knows it and will most likely disagree with me on what i think... and then, i remind myself of all the mean and rotten things he did and said to me and how he just doesn't deserve one peep from me. I just remind myself over and over, whenever I get the urge to reply to his little comment about forever that it's just not worth it, he's just not worth it... and plus, I did all I could do, ,showed him all the love I had and he didn't resond to it very well so, quite simply, I'm done with it! It's sad to think you'll never see that person again, and no matter how wrong they did you, you really can't stand the thought... but some people are just not worth the struggle and the pain they put you through. It still hurts yeah, but whatever, not talking to him hurts less than keeping him in my life.
Weird Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 Now, after no contact comes... I NEED A NEW MAN! And it's hard as hell to find one. GEESH! Well, I haven't been this single in years... I think I kinda like it but I'm really really ready for someone new. I wanna be swept off my feet... I want fireworks! (NOW!?) I think you should be single for a while rather than try and latch onto a new guy and act like you neeeeeeeeeeeeeed to be in a relationship. Congrats on the stuff with your ex.
DESI Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 I am very happy to hear that your ex has been calling like crazy since you started your no contact. However it does make me sad. My ex still hasn't tried contacting me after almost 5 months of us being broken up. I would have thought that by now he would have.
Author aJoy Posted October 29, 2004 Author Posted October 29, 2004 I think you're right. It would be nice though. I'm seriously enjoying not having a thing but myself to worry about... And I've decided that what's most important is achieving my goals in life and getting exactly where I want to be... still, it would be nice to have someone new. I'm ready for it. (I don't neeeeeed it though, you're right.) I was actually pretty frustrated for a while because I'm living in this new place, I don't have very many friends/ know very many people and it's not like when you're a little kid and you can just make new friends on the playground. But, I got tired of griping as it wasn't helping anything, and I'm focused now on what I can control.. which is what direction my life is headed in. thanks though... I needed to hear that.
TZ Posted October 30, 2004 Posted October 30, 2004 And you know what else he would do to me while we were together? He would accuse me of cheating on him and then turn his back to me (yes, he did this in a club) and I asked him why are you turning your back at me? He said "you should know" and "what do you expect?". I wasn't cheating on him. Even when he went away on a trip, I thought about him lovingly and felt good about him being with me even though he wasn't physically with me, so there was no way I would cheat on him. He always thought I would be the one to cheat on him, now it turns out that he cheated on his separated wife (with me), he cheated on me (going back to her), and now he's left in limbo because neither one of us wants him! Now fast forward 9 months. I ignore his emails. We meet up by chance at a club. He asks me "why do you hate me?, "you don't respond to my emails!", etc. I said "what do you expect?" Ah, yes, the irony of it all. Now he says he has "needs", he loves me and wants to start all over again, that he always loved me, that he wished he could go back in time, that we should talk about getting back together again. I have answered his phone calls, even though sometimes he blocks them. I still know it's him. But if he says that he's changed, why the heck is he blocking his calls? Why isn't he over his own insecurities. Why does he think that I still wouldn't answer his call if I saw his number? Back in the days when we were together he would make up stories about me not answering my phone because I saw his number (thinking it was my way of evading him because he thought I was with someone else. Meanwhile, it turned out that I was unreachable (in the shower, for example) or on another call. Oh, and he wouldn't leave a voice mail. So what the heck?!?!?! He expected me to be for him 24/7. I actually got into the routine of being available 24/7, but then I lost myself in the process. I thought I was being good, when actually I was being good FOR HIM, not FOR ME.
UCFKevin Posted October 30, 2004 Posted October 30, 2004 ALL IN ALL... NO CONTACT RULES! leave them alone and they'll come running... and you can smile and walk away.. then laugh when you get home, and tell all your friends who have watched you suffer through this what an idiot he's acting like... HAH! Wow. Yeah. Sounds great. No contact sucks. You made his life a living hell. While he may have upset you when you were together, you brought yourself to his level whereas you could've just ended things and had him not make a fool of himself. An eye for an eye makes the world blind and all that.
littlelaxer Posted October 30, 2004 Posted October 30, 2004 hey everyone i just wanted to add my little story in...... I started no contact on Oct. 7th and since then YES it has be VERY tough, but ive been ok. THe funny thing was about a couple of days of not talking to my ex he called me and i didnt answer, then a couple hours later he text me to tell me he called. Then about a day later(i guess to give me time to respond) he texted me and said "ok then." Still i did not respond. Finally a couple days later he went back home to visit his family, and he texted me "so is this how its gonna be" i was very shocked to hear from him and didnt knwo waht to do. I asked for some help from this site and i finally decided to respond. I said "No, i just needed time thats all" and what does he say "ye ok" im like whoa where do u get the nerve to be like rude liek that. Cant even finish the word "yeah"!! so then i said "well u didnt have to be mean about it." and still nothing back I guess hes shocked i have been acting the way i have and not be on my hands and knees beggin for him. I have not done that at all i started no contact about a week or so after the break up and even during that time i didnt call him i only talked to him when he would call me every few days. Im doing ok, yea sometimes i go nuts thinking "what is he doing" "does he miss me??" but still im thinking......this must be bothering him, right?? other wise he wouldnt care and would of said something to my reply.... Still guys (and girls too im not leavin them out) can be sooo stubborn (especially my bf) and have to much "pride" to say when they are wrong...........all i can say is he will realize one day and i might not be there!! Thanks for listening
Author aJoy Posted October 30, 2004 Author Posted October 30, 2004 Yeah, that's the worst part... when you get so caught up in treating someone right and giving them your all that you forget about giving yourself anything and then when it's over you're lost. That's why it took me soooooo friggin long to get over this. Isn't it true TZ that the one who is always accusing you of cheating turns out to be the cheater? Desi, it's not thaaaat worth it. Seriously, when my ex started calling me like crazy it was unexpected... Before he did it, I could have cared less, I had already moved on and then it happened. It doesn't happen with everyone you break up with, just some of them (mostly when the ex is a total jerk). But the point of No Contact is not to make the other person crazy,makin the other person miss you and start calling you when you're no longer at their every beck and call is just a perk of No Contact. The point of it is, above all, to leave that person alone and move on.... I would really appreciate if no one else got on me about gloating. I EARNED MY RIGHTS GOSHDAMNIT! Well, I'm kidding, I do appreciate everyone's opinion... but really, I'm not the bad guy here and I WAS NOT LEADING HIM ON!!! Can I say that again: I WAS NOT LEADING HIM ON! I ignored the guys phone calls because I got tired of being talked to like I'm some peice of sh**. I just decided enough was enough and I stopped speaking to him... it hurt me to talk to him because I never knew what hurtful sh** was gonna come out of his mouth next. So I STOPPED TALKING TO HIM! For me. Sheesh! And then, when I did stop speaking to him, I found it particularly amusing that he was going out of his mind trying to get in touch with me when, not but one month earlier the guy told me he'd be happy with hearing from me once every three months and that OUR LIVES WERE ON SEPARATE PATHS.. so um, can ya please see the reason why I found it so amusing that he all of a sudden wanted to talk to me about "love" and "forever" again? And UFC Kevin, I would have liked to have poked both his eyes out! This guy put me through some serious kind of hell, when I all I did was love him and be there whenever he needed me. And no, I didn't put him through any kind of hell... what happened was that he noticed I was no longer up his a** and he tried to get me to be back up his a**... he emailed me to find out what's up and I WROTE HIM BACK TO LET HIM KNOW I WAS DONE... I've written this like ten million times already.. I wrote him an email, in response to his (because I did not want to talk to him on the phone for fear he might talk me back out of leaving him alone again like he has done so many other times) and in the email I said only this : "HAVE A NICE LIFE"... I did not make this guy's life miserable, if anything I made it better for him than it was before I came along, and I'm not just talking sh**. Anyway, if he comes back, or tries to contact me some more, then I will continue to think it's funny, that I wasn't good enough for him before but now that I don't want to talk to him I'm suddenly somebody. But if he doesn't keep trying it's all the same, I got my satisfaction and I'm back to normal again.. .he's just another jerk ex. just ranting...
Author aJoy Posted October 30, 2004 Author Posted October 30, 2004 Also, I say he's acting like an idiot because it seems like he forgot all the things he said to me before I stopped talking to him. Anyway, littlelaxer, I wonder the same things... and I must admit, I miss the good stuff and even though I really really wish I didn't, I miss him (glad he doesnt know it though) ... I know just what you mean about how shocking it is. THe first couple of times he called I was like, ok well, he'll hopefully get the point soon... anyway, in a month my only words to him were 'have a nice life' and I really hope that it will stay that way because I had a lot of mean things I wanted to say and still do but I feel that if it's over and I don't care then it's not worth saying anything and I better keep my mouth shut...
littlelaxer Posted October 31, 2004 Posted October 31, 2004 aJoy, i can totally understand why you would i suppose i could say enjoy him all messed up or seeming bothered by the whole NC thing. It was ok for him to hurt you, put u down, see you cry and for him to set all the new rules like u said talk a couple time a month or seomthing. I hope i too someday have my ex callin me everyday worried about whats goin on!! Why im not talking to him and all this stuff. Maybe they will finally know how it feels. yes i care about him but it makes you soooo mad to think "how could he have done this to me? when all i did was put my everything into the relationship!!" So i just want to say good for you for gettin urself together after all that, it is very hard but good job
marolyn k Posted October 31, 2004 Posted October 31, 2004 littlelaxer, trust me. He will be calling you... even months from now! Over a year ago, I broke up with my ex and he couldnt take it. He was shocked because I finally decided I was not going to take his crap anymore and I said to him 'don't ever call me again!'. And that was the very last time I talked to him. He tried to contact me for months after through text chat begging me to come back, saying i was soulmate blah blah but I avoided contact wtih him as much as I can. He has disappeared since and I'm so glad. The no contact is definitely the best thing to do. I'm using it now to get over yet another jerk .. sigh. I've been through it before... so it should be easier this time. If any of you have the urge, whatever you do.. don't give in! I've done it before and I've regretted it. Don't try to jump onto the next guy that comes along either. That has always been my problem too. I'm taking a break now to heal. Hang in there!
goonage Posted October 31, 2004 Posted October 31, 2004 Has anyone ever been in a situation of no contact, when both parties just accept it? Neither gives in. Both deal with it? I've read a lot of posts here and someone always seems to give in and decide to attempt to re-initiate contact between the two parties. 6 weeks to the day of my break up with my ex and she hasn't heard a peep from me and nor have I from her. I said to myself I would never attempt to reinitiate contact and leave it to her if she wants to, because she ended it. Hmm dunno if I can do that though. I'll probably, in a long time give in. It'll happen some day I guess...probably via some sad method like msn messenger, which is "safe" to both of us, and when we both feel okay to unblock each other. But I'm not sitting around waiting for her to log in, and I know she isn't doing the same for me. I know I can wait a long time before talking to her again. I don't think about her as much now and I'm ready for new things in my life. I'll wait before I feel fully recovered, and then wait a little longer before sending her a civil e-mail. But I say that now. Some times I think to myself that I never want to see or hear from her again, because it would be too weird. Should I bother ever contacting her again? It's pointless my asking the board I suppose becuase only I know her. I'm just glad I don't have her phoning me claiming she made a mistake and me then having to take the hard line of saying "too late missus". The other way about would be worse in fact, if I were begging her and pestering her. I can't do that. i don't want to, and I never did. As a dumpee I just took it on the cheek and left it at that. I get the impression that sometimes the dumpers relish the pain they're causing the dumpees. Then again I see of dumpees reversing the situation on the dumpers who then want their dumpee back! Ah, perhaps I've misread posts, and I'm not having a go at anyone. Everyone's situation is unique, and we all make our decisions for what I'm sure are good reasons. It's all so bloody complicated and no amount of posts or rules to follow will ever make it make sense to me.
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