Who are more romantic - men or women?

[LittleTiger]

Coffee does it for me too!!! :love:

 

I know it drives some people nuts when I say things like this, but you can only imagine my surprise when I found that the very first time I saw an escort, she treated me better than my wife ever had. Consider the irony of a total stranger being more caring than the woman who allegedly loved me!

 

Last Christmas, my sugar baby bought this nasty Santa's elf nighty. Then she put together an entire dance routine that he did to the song, Santa's Baby. It was sooooo cute, sexy, thoughtful, enticing, personal... in fact it was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. She really put herself out there and it touched me deeply. She absolutely melted my heart.

 

Maybe my definition of romance is different from other people's but my understanding is that romance is about emotional attachment. Romance is not about sex.

 

When someone talks about 'keeping the romance alive' in a relationship it's about the mental and emotional connection. Yes, sex does help with that, but it runs so much deeper - otherwise it would be considered romantic to just throw your clothes off and jump right at it. If you have a FWB, even a candlelit dinner, a walk on the beach and a pseudo love-making session ceases to be romantic - to me anyway.

 

I'm slightly confused Robert Z, because I'm pretty sure you aren't emotionally attached to your sugar baby, as you call her. At least, you're not supposed to be. Have I got that wrong? With the arrangement you two have, where she is treating you well and using sex to fulfil certain needs for you, my guess is that she wouldn't consider what she does 'romantic'. I think she would probably describe it as 'seduction', which is an entirely different thing.

Edited July 28, 2013 by LittleTiger

[Robert Z]

I'm slightly confused Robert Z, because I'm pretty sure you aren't emotionally attached to your sugar baby, as you call her. At least, you're not supposed to be. Have I got that wrong? With the arrangement you two have, where she is treating you well and using sex to fulfil certain needs for you, my guess is that she wouldn't consider what she does 'romantic'.

 

I've talked about this in painful detail already, but I fell in love with her a year ago. Luckily she is kind and understanding, and we have a strong enough friendship that we've been able make this work.

 

She had been working as an escort when I first saw her. But she only sees me and one other man occasionally now. However she does have a regular boyfriend - not serious but she cares about him.

 

It is a strange and wonderful relationship. We will be spending a week at the coast soon, and she will be traveling around the world with me beginning about next fall.

[LittleTiger]

I've talked about this in painful detail already, but I fell in love with her a year ago. Luckily she is kind and understanding, and we have a strong enough friendship that we've been able make this work.

 

She had been working as an escort when I first saw her. But she only sees me and one other man occasionally now. However she does have a regular boyfriend - not serious but she cares about him.

 

It is a strange and wonderful relationship. We will be spending a week at the coast soon, and she will be traveling around the world with me beginning about next fall.

 

Ah, my apologies! I haven't seen your 'falling in love' threads. I got an inkling from something I read a while back that you felt more than you'd intended but I didn't realise it had gone so far.

 

In that case I can see why you feel that she's being romantic. It seems she has seduced you a little more than is good for you!

[sillyanswer]

But I prefer to fight with you in the pudding than with Robert :(

 

That's not fighting...

[sweetkiwi]

As we've read in this thread, romance is what you make of it. And for me it entails putting the other person's happiness before your own. Doing things for their benefit and not considering your own gain.

 

I can have a romantic evening with a casual friend, a f-buddy, or the love of my life. It's a feeling I get from perceived actions. Him gently brushing my hair out of my eyes while I look down at him. Him putting his arm across my chest when he stops too fast in the car. Holding hands when we cross the street. Defending me against people trying to do me harm.

 

For me a man who is a protector is the ultimate symbol of romance. Maybe he doesn't even know he does it. But I notice.

[amaysngrace]

I like getting romanced and I like romancing.

 

Every guy I've been with romanced me...one guy cooked dinner for me and showered my with jewelry, the exH got me flowers and jewelry and vacations and all since we were married so he did a lot more than the others but my current is my favorite...he writes beautiful surfy songs for me and then lays them down and gives me a copy.

 

Most of the jewelry he's given me he found metal detecting. Second hand stuff but new to me. But he also comes by to walk my dog if I'm away, brings me plants more than flowers because he's practical like that, and he just has a way of knowing what I need and is there for me. He genuinely cares about me more than any other guy and to me that is what's romantic.

[therhythm]

As we've read in this thread, romance is what you make of it. And for me it entails putting the other person's happiness before your own. Doing things for their benefit and not considering your own gain.

 

I can have a romantic evening with a casual friend, a f-buddy, or the love of my life. It's a feeling I get from perceived actions. Him gently brushing my hair out of my eyes while I look down at him. Him putting his arm across my chest when he stops too fast in the car. Holding hands when we cross the street. Defending me against people trying to do me harm.

 

For me a man who is a protector is the ultimate symbol of romance. Maybe he doesn't even know he does it. But I notice.

 

Mmmm I am very protector... :love: but you already know that

 

Robert you need to come with a better one now :lmao:

[Divasu]

I think men are more romantic on the surface, whereas, women are more romantic internally. A certain man, holds the key to unlocking it. This man, she has a deep emotional attachment to, fondness and love for. He is her knight in shining armor. She demonstrates her romantic fondness of him by remaining true and faithful, while allowing him to penetrate the deep corners of her mind, her heart and her soul.

 

I equate romance more so with the thought behind the action. Whereas, acts of kindness are demonstrated not for what you get in return, but, simply because you have a deep affection for the other person. Yes, there's things like candles and wine and bubble baths, a romantic atmosphere, but, true romance goes much deeper than that. It is infinite.

[Robert Z]

In that case I can see why you feel that she's being romantic. It seems she has seduced you a little more than is good for you!

 

In fact just he opposite. She is exactly what I needed. She has given me a new life. Thank goodness she has a good heart or it might not be such a positive thing.

 

But that little dance of hers we unlike anything anyone has EVER done for me before. It took a lot of thought and preparation to pull that one off. And it was soooooooooo cute!!!

[Robert Z]

Robert you need to come with a better one now :lmao:

 

Come with a better one?

[Robert Z]

In fact just he opposite. She is exactly what I needed. She has given me a new life. Thank goodness she has a good heart or it might not be such a positive thing.

 

I wanted to add that she didn't want this. In fact the moment I made my feelings known, which happened by accident [about as classic of a Freudian slip as you're going to find!] I put the entire relationship in jeopardy. The last guy that fell for her got dumped almost immediately. But I spilled the beans last December and things are still wonderful!!!

Edited July 29, 2013 by Robert Z

[Robert Z]

Robert you need to come with a better one now :lmao:

 

Oh you mean Sweetkiwi? HAH! Don't get too cocky. I can take you out with my death ray from where I sit. Mwwwwuuuaaaahhhhaaahhhhaahha.

[Robert Z]

In reading some of this, one thing that strikes me is that women view what I consider to be acts of love, as acts of romance.

 

I did little things for her every day because I loved her. But her special evening each week was intended to be romantic in a special way and not in a day in, day out sort of way.

 

To me, romance is when you do something special to make her feel special. Love is always trying to do things that make her happy from one day to the next.

[miss_jaclynrae]

How romantic a person is depends on the person they are romancing.

 

 

 

A man could think he is doing the most romantic thing in the world by cooking me dinner, but if I don't see it as a romantic gesture then it wouldn't matter how romantic HE thought he was.

 

It is always good to know what a persons expectations are when it comes to romance, and to not be afraid to express what you find romantic.

[Robert Z]

This keeps nagging at me and I wonder what other people think.

 

Given that most women seem to feel the little things done every day are romantic, what about working 100-120 hours a week for our future? Would you consider that romantic?

 

This is a real sore spot for me because she could never even conceive of how hard I worked. Not only was it unappreciated, she was really clueless because she has never even tried to push herself as hard as I did. She had no idea how painful it can be to go days and days on only a few hours of sleep - to study until 2 am and then get up at 6 am, attend classes all day, do 10 hours of math and physics, and then do the same thing again the next day; to push so hard that you start to hallucinate due to exhaustion. If the little things count, if doing things that show I cared for her are what mattered, then I think I was exceedingly romantic. That is what probably still hurts the most. I damn near killed myself for our future and it was NEVER appreciated.

 

You may call that romantic but I thought it was the essence of true love.

[miss_jaclynrae]

This keeps nagging at me and I wonder what other people think.

 

Given that most women seem to feel the little things done every day are romantic, what about working 100-120 hours a week for our future? Would you consider that romantic?

 

This is a real sore spot for me because she could never even conceive of how hard I worked. Not only was it unappreciated, she was really clueless because she has never even tried to push herself as hard as I did. She had no idea how painful it can be to go days and days on only a few hours of sleep - to study until 2 am and then get up at 6 am, attend classes all day, do 10 hours of math and physics, and then do the same thing again the next day; to push so hard that you start to hallucinate due to exhaustion. If the little things count, if doing things that show I cared for her are what mattered, then I think I was exceedingly romantic. That is what probably still hurts the most. I damn near killed myself for our future and it was NEVER appreciated.

 

You may call that romantic but I thought it was the essence of true love.

 

 

 

Clash of values, I don't care much about money, 100-120 a week?! WTF? I wouldn't put up with that.

[sweetkiwi]

Clash of values, I don't care much about money, 100-120 a week?! WTF? I wouldn't put up with that.

 

Except it was school...... You make it sound like he's out dealing crack .

[LittleTiger]

In fact just he opposite. She is exactly what I needed. She has given me a new life. Thank goodness she has a good heart or it might not be such a positive thing.

 

But that little dance of hers we unlike anything anyone has EVER done for me before. It took a lot of thought and preparation to pull that one off. And it was soooooooooo cute!!!

 

I'm happy for you that you have what you currently need.

 

I'm still going to argue that she wasn't being romantic - even if that's how you perceived it. The dance may have been 'cute' but, unless she is also falling for you and hoping to strengthen your bond, there was no intention on her side to create emotional connection - so she wasn't being romantic.

 

I suppose you could use the word 'romantic' purely as an adjective to describe a particular type of behaviour in which a feeling of romance is created ie a romantic experience. However, I see that as something entirely different from someone being truly romantic in the originally intended sense of the word. Romance as a means of seducing somebody who means very little to you is just seduction.

[LittleTiger]

This keeps nagging at me and I wonder what other people think.

 

Given that most women seem to feel the little things done every day are romantic, what about working 100-120 hours a week for our future? Would you consider that romantic?

 

This is a real sore spot for me because she could never even conceive of how hard I worked. Not only was it unappreciated, she was really clueless because she has never even tried to push herself as hard as I did. She had no idea how painful it can be to go days and days on only a few hours of sleep - to study until 2 am and then get up at 6 am, attend classes all day, do 10 hours of math and physics, and then do the same thing again the next day; to push so hard that you start to hallucinate due to exhaustion. If the little things count, if doing things that show I cared for her are what mattered, then I think I was exceedingly romantic. That is what probably still hurts the most. I damn near killed myself for our future and it was NEVER appreciated.

 

You may call that romantic but I thought it was the essence of true love.

 

Sorry Robert, but there is nothing at all romantic about working all hours of the day and night to a point where you are hallucinating from exhaustion! I'm really sorry if you somehow perceive this as putting effort into your relationship because you are so far off the mark it's scary!

 

I know nothing about your marriage other than what you've typed here but I am absolutely certain that your wife felt neglected - big time!

 

I can't speak for her obviously but I'd be willing to bet that the 'little things that count' would have been things like pouring her a glass of wine at the end of the day, rubbing her feet and cooking her a delicious meal.......or a night out alone together followed by a candlelit massage and a long night of 'loving'......or maybe special days out together, where you give her your undivided attention........or little gifts that might mean something for both of you.......or telling her how beautiful she looks when she's covered in muck after a day pulling weeds in the garden.....or maybe even how much you appreciate her patience and all the effort she put in 'holding fort' while you were working those long hours? It depends on her own needs as to which of these she would have considered 'romantic'.

 

If you didn't feel appreciated for all the hours you worked, it was because she didn't appreciate it. I wouldn't appreciate it either if my husband never spent any time with me! Your values were clearly mismatched - the life you gave her wasn't what she wanted or needed, so she probably didn't feel appreciated either.

[Els]

This keeps nagging at me and I wonder what other people think.

 

Given that most women seem to feel the little things done every day are romantic, what about working 100-120 hours a week for our future? Would you consider that romantic?

 

This is a real sore spot for me because she could never even conceive of how hard I worked. Not only was it unappreciated, she was really clueless because she has never even tried to push herself as hard as I did. She had no idea how painful it can be to go days and days on only a few hours of sleep - to study until 2 am and then get up at 6 am, attend classes all day, do 10 hours of math and physics, and then do the same thing again the next day; to push so hard that you start to hallucinate due to exhaustion. If the little things count, if doing things that show I cared for her are what mattered, then I think I was exceedingly romantic. That is what probably still hurts the most. I damn near killed myself for our future and it was NEVER appreciated.

 

You may call that romantic but I thought it was the essence of true love.

 

I think the key thing about romance is that it has to be about what the other person wants and needs, not what you think is 'best' for you to do for them.

 

If for instance, both of you lived in the slums of Delhi and you were working that hard to fend off starvation and escape to a better life with her, and that was what she wanted as well - yes, possibly romantic. In your case, possibly not, as most people in your country manage to live reasonably comfortable lives working much fewer hours than that. There is nothing wrong with lofty career aspirations, but that isn't necessarily what many women need or want in a partner. Did you talk to her about what she wanted for your futures together and whether or not SHE felt it was romantic for you to do that?

 

As for the thread title, I agree with Divasu that men and women both just display it in different ways, because men and women tend to appreciate different things. I COULD have bought the bf flowers for Valentines' Day just like he did for me, but I didn't, because his reaction would've been a mix of and , not so much .

[LittleTiger]

Except it was school...... You make it sound like he's out dealing crack .

 

It doesn't matter what it was - he wasn't spending the time with his wife. That's what was important to her and her needs weren't being met.

 

My brother in law is a qualified professional in his field and when he first married my sister he embarked on further training to do something more specialised. Partly because he was interested in that specialism but also because he knew it would provide more money for their future.

 

It became apparent fairly quickly that, if they were both going to be happy, he/they had to make a choice between his specialist career and their family life.

 

So he gave up his further training to be with my sister and to have a family. To me that's true romance. They've been happily married now for almost 25 years and have brought up three wonderful kids. I wish my own marriage had been so successful.

[LittleTiger]

As for the thread title, I agree with Divasu that men and women both just display it in different ways, because men and women tend to appreciate different things. I COULD have bought the bf flowers for Valentines' Day just like he did for me, but I didn't, because his reaction would've been a mix of and , not so much .

 

For real!

 

Romance is about 'showing your love' in a way that makes the other person 'feel loved' and, as much as I hate to say it, I think, once again, it boils down to 'women want hearts and flowers' and 'men want sex'.

[sweetkiwi]

It doesn't matter what it was - he wasn't spending the time with his wife. That's what was important to her and her needs weren't being met.

 

My brother in law is a qualified professional in his field and when he first married my sister he embarked on further training to do something more specialised. Partly because he was interested in that specialism but also because he knew it would provide more money for their future.

 

It became apparent fairly quickly that, if they were both going to be happy, he/they had to make a choice between his specialist career and their family life.

 

So he gave up his further training to be with my sister and to have a family. To me that's true romance. They've been happily married now for almost 25 years and have brought up three wonderful kids. I wish my own marriage had been so successful.

 

 

 

Except schooling has an end.... If he worked 100 hours a week and had no intention of ever stopping I wouldn't appreciate that either. But it is school!!! For a better future for BOTH parties.

 

Are you saying you couldn't even be patient enough for a few years with the man you intended on spending the rest of your life with . That's not romantic, you're right. It's dedication. Striving for a better life.

 

My ex is getting his Masters. But when we were together I NEVER bitched at him for studying from sun up to sun down and living in the library. I tried to make this stressful point in his life less stressful and encouraged him to enjoy what ever free time he could squeeze out.

[sweetkiwi]

For real!

 

Romance is about 'showing your love' in a way that makes the other person 'feel loved' and, as much as I hate to say it, I think, once again, it boils down to 'women want hearts and flowers' and 'men want sex'.

 

Not this woman. Flowers wilt and die. I prefer experiences over "things".

[Els]

Except schooling has an end.... If he worked 100 hours a week and had no intention of ever stopping I wouldn't appreciate that either. But it is school!!! For a better future for BOTH parties.

 

Are you saying you couldn't even be patient enough for a few years with the man you intended on spending the rest of your life with . That's not romantic, you're right. It's dedication. Striving for a better life.

 

My ex is getting his Masters. But when we were together I NEVER bitched at him for studying from sun up to sun down and living in the library. I tried to make this stressful point in his life less stressful and encouraged him to enjoy what ever free time he could squeeze out.

 

 

IMO, different people have different levels of tolerance for this, as well as different needs. There are women who, for instance, would be perfectly happy with a man who makes $60k/year (which many people do with undergrad degrees or even no degree), and could not sustain several years of minimal contact. Those women are unlikely to be compatible with men with very high career aspirations - they might be able to work through those problems together, and they might not, but they certainly will consider his dedication to his career to be a hurdle that they need to overcome, not romantic.

 

Personally, I'm not sure I would find a few years of 100-120 hours a week to be tenable. I've done a LDR of 2.5 years only seeing each other once every 6 months (which was horrible ) - I think 2.5 years of him working 120 hours a week, even if we lived together, would be even worse than LDR. Unless the man were superhuman, that would work out to such minimal contact that we might as well be penpals in the 1940s.

 

Basically boils down to different personalities and compatibility, I guess.