Lies, lies lies.

[Coolit]

xMM didn't lie abou his W in that sense but he did lie to me to keep me on the side... Until he was done and then he just started lying about me. His lies were, for example, that he imagined me while having sex with his W. i thought I took it as a grain of salt, something said merely to turn me on but I think it made an impact. Those words of flattery led me to believe I was more important to him then I was. I didn't want us to be that important to each other. But I really was naive about my own emotions and feelings. I thought I could have sex as a friends with benefits way. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.

 

I couldn't see these things (well I knew I was doing wrong and being a cake eater) so I didn't think the tender lies were damaging me until it was all over.

 

So I don't know if any OWs can give a full answer to this. I didn't think there were any lies between xMM and I because we weren't making plans or dissing spouses. But there were. I just didn't see them.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

xMM didn't lie abou his W in that sense but he did lie to me to keep me on the side... Until he was done and then he just started lying about me. His lies were, for example, that he imagined me while having sex with his W. i thought I took it as a grain of salt, something said merely to turn me on but I think it made an impact. Those words of flattery led me to believe I was more important to him then I was. I didn't want us to be that important to each other. But I really was naive about my own emotions and feelings. I thought I could have sex as a friends with benefits way. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.

 

I couldn't see these things (well I knew I was doing wrong and being a cake eater) so I didn't think the tender lies were damaging me until it was all over.

 

So I don't know if any OWs can give a full answer to this. I didn't think there were any lies between xMM and I because we weren't making plans or dissing spouses. But there were. I just didn't see them.

 

Thank you Coolit, for your reply.

[William]

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[compulsivedancer]

I don't know for sure what is between my OM and his long-term GF, since only the couple can really know for sure. But OM was a long-term friend of my husband's, so I know some additional info about their relationship, which I knew before we began our A. I am mostly surprised that they are still together, since they seemed to be together primarily because they were companions, not because they truly loved each other. 7 or 8 years together, and they only spent weekends together. Multiple people mentioned after the affair that his GF had told them things weren't going well (pre-A). No one was surprised that H and I decided to try R, but everyone was that they did.

 

Actually, he told me that I shouldn't judge his relationship and insisted that everything was great between them; in fact he would probably propose later that year. That he just wanted more sex. Although it seems to me that they actually had a fair amount of sex.

 

Who knows, maybe after all of this, they will choose to work on the issues that led him to cheat in the first place and they'll be closer for it. Or maybe they'll just buy a bigger rug. I try not to put too much thought into it. We're NC, so it's none of my concern any more. I can't help but be bitter, at the same time wishing them both the most happiness they can find (ambivalence, not sarcasm).

 

Of course, when I'm being honest, I want her to kick him to the curb and find someone who'll actually treat her right and make her happy, and I want him to become a miserable old man. But the part of me that cared for him hopes he figures things out and finds the person (her or otherwise) that can truly make him happy.

Edited July 28, 2013 by compulsivedancer

[Got it]

I took what he said about things like I do from others, if it is negative it is believed with a grain of salt. I would verify what could be verified to set the foundation for trust worthiness, I watched actions over words, and I just let Time give me the answer.

 

*shrug* I really didn't see it as being that different from other people and their stories. I have friends that will complain about their SO but obviously something keeps them there. Actually if he had been overtly negative that would have been a red flag for me. Things would be discussed but there was pretty fair ownership on both sides.

 

I believed him as much as I expected him to believe me but really it takes time to show it. I can't say I believe anyone 100% in the beginning of a relationship as I don't know them well enough to fully trust them.

 

He has proven to be very transparent and trustworthy. While things aren't always perfect he has proven, both in the affair and out of it, to be an open book.

[wanting more]

xMM never gave me the "no sex at home" speech. He never talked bad of his BS. He never talked about her. I would've never asked him about his sex life with his wife. I didn't want to know. I always assumed he was still having sex. I was still having sex with my BSO, (and we had a bad relationship).

 

I'm trying to keep track of the responses because I'm really curious . Are there really THAT many OW/OM that believe the no sex/horrible BS story? (and I do believe this is true in some/few cases) or is it that there's only a couple that do believe it, but they speak so loudly and often about it, that it seems there's more than there really is?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Wanting,

 

Most of the posters on this thread have indicated they never expected truth or never asked, but it is possible that the people who believe won't post here.

 

I am also curious which is why I started the thread. I see other postings and I am surprised they are surprised.

[So happy together]

Wanting,

 

Most of the posters on this thread have indicated they never expected truth or never asked, but it is possible that the people who believe won't post here.

 

I am also curious which is why I started the thread. I see other postings and I am surprised they are surprised.

 

I believed him when he said there was no sex going on. I also kept my eyes open for any signs that it wasn't true. We didn't sleep together for a good while, we cultivated the relationship a little first, so it gave me time to watch what he was really saying, look for discrepancies.

 

Since then, there has been proof on her end to the same thing he said. No sex in years. She gave reasons why she wasn't interested, her weight, etc.

[cocorico]

So I am trying to make sense of something...so calling all OM,OW,MM,MW, WW,WH and interested parties.

 

How is it that OW/OM are just so sure that they know what is happening between the BS and the AP? How do you KNOW they sleep in separate beds? How do you KNOW they are not behaving as a couple/family? How do you know that they are not saying I love yous and future planning?

 

If the information isn't coming from the BS, how do you believe it? I am reading all these posts about the previously dead marriage, in name only marriage, living like roommates situations...if that is really true then wouldn't you want confirmation from the spouse that its true? How do you just believe it? Even if you are "friends" with the spouse, nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors?

 

A person who is married and having an affair, is by definition pretty skilled at lying. And by definition, does not have difficult lying for moral or ethical or compassionate reasons. How do you KNOW (s)he isn't telling you as many lies as the spouse.

 

At some point in their relationship there was enough of a commitment to get married. At some point a decision was made to lie and break that commitment. How is it that you don't believe it is also happening to you?

 

So when you say something like "BS is blackmailing him into staying in the marriage because of the kids"...how do you know he just isn't saying that to you to make you sympathetic and stay his piece on the side, but has no intention of leaving, and frankly believes he loves his wife?

 

How do you know? Or does it not matter?

 

Anything that came from the BS I would have taken with a large dose of salt, as she is known to rewrite history and the present to suit her own ends. I have seen the letters she sent him during the early days; I have seen the emails she sent him when he left her. She has rewritten the past completely, it bears no resemblance to her own written record from the time.

 

To answer the prior question, how did I know? I saw the evidence (their separate bedrooms, with their stuff separately in each one). I saw her notes lying about the place, telling him to water the plants in his room. I heard from friends who had stayed at their house about what went on there, them living completely separate lives, having nothing to do with each other. I heard from his family about the dynamic they'd observed between the two of them over decades. I heard from friends of his about what they'd seen over the years. And then there was the evidence I saw for myself - him being available to me at all times; her attempts to get him on Viagra because he hadn't shown any interest in her in years; the GP's referral note to the MC advising that he had no ED and that the problems were marital rather than physical; the emails she sent him when he left her, etc.