snilljente Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 I am torn about making contact with the man I dated this summer....some of you may have read about him in other forums/posts, but he went to jail today....long story short..I am 36, divorced, he is 34 divorced. We met this summer and hit it off instantly....much to my hesitation about getting involved with a guy (I have planned on taking a break from dating).....About 6 weeks into the relationship (we were together everyday/all day due to me having summers off), he needed a "break" due to legal issues that he had already told me about and I had told him that i would support him on......He said he was just trying to get through a hard time, that he cared, missed me, etc....and then BAM...I found out about her through the grapevine...the 24 year old he started seeing and forgot to tell me about (all under the guise if him just needing time alone to deal with his overwhelming stress).....I was DEVASTATED.....well, let's just say beyond devastated...he was one of about a dozen guys that I had dated in the last 3 or 4 years since my divorce and the ONLY ONE I thought I might love......BAM...he is with her.... Problem was that he hadn't told her about the legal stuff and the same person that called to inform me about the 24 yr old had spilled the beans about him going to jail wtih the 24 yr old's family (I had only shared in general terms that he might have to do time, had not shared the details as to protect his privacy...this woman was the ONLY person that I had shared any of this info with.....bad coincidence..she turned out to be a friend of the 24 yr old's family).......i.e. He got caught....and I was informed of the gory details.....Things got ugly, he accused me of telling the world his "business" because as soon as this family found out he had a record, they went online and got the details because they were worried for their daughter...I was not part of this...I answered some questions the sister had AFTER I found out he was cheating on me...but only as a favor to my friend who said the family was freaking out...it was never in a vindicative way just a "this is what I know and this is what I experienced with him and I don't know what else to tell you" kind of a way. This girl tried to contact me several times....I changed my phone number...they stayed together despite her knowing about him starting to see her without letting me know and still talking to me after they had gotten together..... I am struggling with wanting to contact him via letter and let him know that despite all of the terrible things he did to me, that my feelings were genuine and that what he did devastated me....I do not want him back, but would like for him to have something to think about while he sits in jail for 8 months....want him to know that there are kind, loyal and sincere people out there, unlike women who he has dated in the past and that I was one of these people and what he did to me continues to hurt and cause me grief......How bad of an idea is contacting him.....I could never take him bad given the bond that we had that he broke so carelessly, but I want him to KNOW that despite the months that have passed, that I am still struggling with what happened......and that I was stuck in the middle of a messy situation and did not tell the whole world his business that they found this out via a third party who then contacted me because they were worried for their daughter.......HELP!!!
aFighter Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 Your obligation to this guy ended when little miss 24yr old came on the scene, you know this. You're also probably thinking "I'm 36..." but let me tell you, there's always someone out there that'll make you happy, trust me. Move on and don't be afraid of anything.
Author snilljente Posted October 29, 2004 Author Posted October 29, 2004 Thanks for your words of encouragement.....While I am 36, I have 24 year old guys coming on to me quite often....I am told I look much younger...so that it not so much the issue...I guess I just want him to know that his reckless behavior did some serious damage in my life...but I guess, if he cared, he would have been kinder about the way that he ended things....I should interject that interestingly, I asked him several times if he just wanted to break up...bla bla bla...all of those times, he said, NO, I care, I want to see you again, I am just trying to get through a rough time.....and really, he was with her.....pretty disgusting....I have dated liars and jerks, but never dealt with this level of deceit before....it still makes me sick to my stomach.....
aFighter Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 Well, nothing says "you were a jerk to me" like no contact I wouldn't date 24yr old guys though if I were you, date someone more mature, unless you are just looking for a bit of no strings attached fun. I'm 29 & I wouldn't date a 24yr old, I pefer someone around my own age give or take a year. It's down to your personal dating tasts I guess. Anyway *pushes the grey coulds out of the way to get a little light on the subject* do whatever makes you happy, you're not being selfish, you're healing. Pamper youself and enjoy life, It's far too short to let just one person put a damper on it. ok
Author snilljente Posted October 29, 2004 Author Posted October 29, 2004 I don't date the 24 year olds either...God no...he he I was just commenting on the fact that her age really wasn't an issue for me...He's 34 and if he wants a 24 year old, more power to him...I think it's a bit odd personally, but to each their own. I wouldn't want to date a 24 year old because I wouldn't feel like I had much in common with them at this point in my life.....Funny, he said he always dates older women and blondes...she is much younger and a brunette....People are strange...Yeah, he deserves no contact...he deserves to sit in jail and think about the last few months (which he will likely do, unless he is brain dead)....he deserves to think about all he did to me and in 8 months when he gets out and I am in great shape (treating myself to a personal trainer) and still the great catch that I am (sorry to sound conceited, but I have worked hard to get where I am as an individual and feel like I am a good catch), he will be one sorry ass guy because the 24 year old will have likely moved on...she told me that once he leaves for jail, there are no ties between them....I told him I would stick by him.....so, he picked the one who said there would be no ties...and that's what he's gonna get. I miss the person I thought he was...not who he turned out to be and I need to keep reminding myself of that...I just wanted him to know the level of devastation that he caused me so that he could sit and think and get a grasp on what he did to me...but is there a point of contacting him to tell him.....doesn't he already have an idea of what he did to me....He must unless he is just DUMB, which I don't think he is...I think he is very clever...he has to be to pull off the lies and deceit that he does...Shame, he is a bright person who couldn't have used that intelligence for good and now he is sitting in jail.....he keeps making BAD decisions...one got him in jail and the other was letting me go...I am not a revengeful person, but I hope he really and truly regrets it one day!!!
indicolite Posted October 31, 2004 Posted October 31, 2004 don't bother contacting him again. better people out there--plus, thank your lucky stars you found out this stuff after a few months (summer) before you had invested further into the relationship. as for the younger guys, i am 33, and the youngest i have dated is 23...recently. i think in the end, i NEVER thought i would go so young, etc but it really depends upon the person. he prob goes out less than me, lol. well never say never. if you meet someone who is great and compatible, dont let the age be a hindrance, within "reason". i have always dated men older or my age--and i tell you, 1/2 of them acted like teens...they just had more money due to the better jobs. anyway, i really hope it all goes well and you can be removed from the drama of the girl and the ex in jail! avoid any drama and contact, it will be easier to get over him in the end.
head/heels Posted October 31, 2004 Posted October 31, 2004 i just wanted to add that if you find yourself dating jerks, aholes and liars then you need to take a look at yourself and make the changes necessary to nip that in the bud.... what is that saying....fool me once shame on me... fool me twice shame on you..... dont be fooled by someone else again by analyzing yourself and the type of guys you go for...i have been doing this and tonight i decided that the scene i am with is not where i want to be and therefore i have decided to change the way i go about meeting new people and how i want to be perceived... oh and dont ever talk to him again...if you do you will just regret it down the road and if you become involved again you will have a very unhappy life while you are with him....sorry but it is true..
bluechocolate Posted October 31, 2004 Posted October 31, 2004 gotta agree with the others - don't contact him He won't get it anyway, you won't change the way he thinks or feels. Write the letter & then tear it up & throw it away.
head/heels Posted November 1, 2004 Posted November 1, 2004 it should read above: fool me once shame on you..........fool me twice shame on me... dont contact and get better inside of you
Author snilljente Posted November 2, 2004 Author Posted November 2, 2004 I'm trying very hard to work on me...I spent year completely devoted to helping my husband through school and supporting him and have made men the focal point for too long...I have declared this year the year that I focus on me...I am doing whatever I can to better myself on the inside and outside.....I know that I am better without the lying cheater...but he was such a good actor...I truly thought he cared...but you all are right, you likely wouldnt "get" it...he's too self absorbed...it's all about him and his feelings/problems...he never stopped to think about what he was putting me through...yes, he was going through a bad time, but that's no reason to alienate the one you SUPPOSEDLY care about...he threw me away like a piece of garbage and it will be his loss. Thanks for all of your encouraging words and input..It helps.
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