ara Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 Hello, everyone. I just joined. I apologize if this is long, but I'll get right to it.. I've been with my bf (ex-bf? fiancé? ex-fiancé?) for almost 4 years. We come from different backgrounds, and that seems to be an underlying factor in most of our arguments. For example, he's always been the come-and-go-as-you-please type...I was raised to "call if you're going to be late" etc. Honestly, I find it inconsiderate if there's a change in plans and I'm not given some kind of heads-up. Heh, I try not to take it to extremes and to understand my bf's perspective (he sometimes seems to think I'm controlling or that I expect a complete itinerary laid out in front of me). Usually we coast by but it's a recurring argument. I get mad at him for not calling to give me some clue about what's going on and then I'm "controlling." He doesn't understand that sometimes he's actually hurting me when he does this because it makes me feel like I'm not important enough to him to not leave me waiting for him (yes, that is sometimes the case - most recently for six hours - then I'm the bad guy for not giving him "some leeway" since he was with his sister...which was his argument...it's okay to leave me waiting - since I was supposed to be going with them - for six hours because he was with his sister). There have been numerous other occasions, besides the whole phone call thing, when his actions seemed inconsiderate. But again...different upbringings. I'm left feeling hurt or insulted while he thinks I'm controlling or anal or just a "stick in the mud." I know this is odd, but how would one go about resolving something like this? Something that's so embedded into each of us *shrug* Can this even be resolved? After four years, two living together, a kick-out and wake-up call, and a brief run of couples counseling visits, I honestly wonder. Anyway, I've had a lot of non-relationship stress (job, future, wanting to go back to school but ultimately unsure of what the heckI want to do -- okay, I'm a mess..I admit it) lately and last weekend, we had a big argument and I've announced that I'm moving out. I know I need to get my s*** straight and do some serious thinking and find some clarity and "find myself" and so on, but this is going to gnaw at me because it boils down to being the reason I decided that I need to go. I guess what I mean is…since I’m leaving anyway, should I just not look back? Is being brought up so differently always going to be an obstacle? It seems like it will be. Am I expecting too much? Is he? *shrug* I'm partially just venting, but would appreciate any input. Thanks for any insight.
aJoy Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 Hey! Welcome, you said you just joined... I think you did the best thing ever. I joined in like July and while I haven't been online very often the people here and their personal experiences and advice have helped me tremendously to get over this jerk that I've been hung up on for entirely too long. Anyway, guuuurrrrlllll, do I have some advice for you! I feel really renewed since I'm totally over Mr.Jerkfacepsychopath and I've learned that experience is the most valuable thing in the world. Also, I've learned that time heals, for real. And that you only do what you need to do when it's time to do it. i.e you'll get over it when you're good and ready. But take care not to pine too long because life is precious and short and someone who doesn't treat you the way that you want to be treated and feel you deserve to be treated is not worth a minute of your time. People come and go and someone will love you the way you deserve to be loved or if it's not meant to happen - no one will and that is a hell of a lot better than putting up with GARBAGE!!! Well, about what you were saying... this guy that I just broke up with (for the millionth and last time) used to give me sh*t about asking him what his plans were all the time. Like, I as his girlfriend had no right to know exactly what he would be doing over the weekend or when I would ask him to make plans for something he'd tell me he'd have to "see what comes up".. this is no way for a relationship, atleast a good one, to be run.. It's not that you're trying to control someone by asking what they're doing Friday night, it's just normal... I mean, don't you ask your friends what they're doing or who they're with and don't your friends answer you without any static? Well, your boyfriend shouldn't have any problem answering ANY of your questions... I remember this guy telling me that he felt like I was interogating him when all I wanted to know was why he couldn't come see me later on that night... It looks like someone has something to hide when they don't tell you flat out what they're doing (specially when you're just asking a simple question) or when they act like it a big deal to even ask a question. If something smells bad it's probably rotten, if you have to hide something there's probably something fishy going on. Seriously, who does he think he is living with you and not informing you of when he'll be late? That's just common courtesy. DONT LET ANYONE KEEP YOU WAITING! F* THAT! It doesn't seem like he's treating you very well, from what you've said. And though I don't know you I can tell you for certain that you deserve the best. You deserve what your heart desires, if this relationship is making you stressed out and this guy is giving you hell for asking why he's late or he's keeping you waiting.. then why the hell not just leave it be. I guarantee you, you're better off by yourself than dealing with someone's crap. It doesn't matter how he was brought up, at this point, I'm assuming he's a grown man and grown men and women need to treat one another with a certain level of respect. If he's not showing you it, then kindly say goodbye. Maybe he's just not that interested in it, because if he cared he'd try to find a way to make it right, to make it work. Is he doing that now? Do you feel that he hurts you too much? More importantly, does he realize he hurts you at all and does it matter to him? Take some time out and write about everything that has happened... I don't mean as a post necessarily, just write for yourself. IT helped me so much, especially towards the end of my horrible depression because I was writing about everything that had happened and admitting things to myself that I didn't want to admit while I was still trying to hold on. I came to the conclusion that all things said and done, he didn't do right by me and was in fact a total jerk a lot of the time so, hanging on "love" or no "love" was a waste of my time... and I am the most important person to me, so if someone isn't treating me right then peace out. I hope that helps atleast a little bit. Bottom line is, if it doesn't feel right, if he's not willing to understand that it's not crazy or controlling to want to be involved in his life and included in his plans then he's just not looking for the same kind of relationship you are and you need to decide what is best for you, what will make you happiest. Right now, it might not seem like being without him will make you happy but once you get over the initial hurt you'll soon realize what's best. Think with a clear head, when you finally can, about what is really going on. Also, I took time to look at how other people in my life treat me, friends, family... and none of them hurt me, none of them take me for granted, none of them hide things from me... They LOVE me and I know it. my relationships besides with him, are all really great, I have great people in my life who love me and show me that love without any issue. It might help. VENT GIRL, go on and let it out... don't be scared, be brave, letting go hurts so bad because it's scary... but... if he really really really wants you, he'll show you and let you know.
Author ara Posted October 30, 2004 Author Posted October 30, 2004 Hey, aJoy Thanks for the welcome, and for the great post. Writing down everything that's happened sounds like a fantastic idea, but unfortunately I won't have much time to do that for a while since I'm packing and moving and whatnot. (Grr..there goes my Halloween fun) Dammit, we just moved back in together two months ago. (After a year of not living together after I'd kicked him out for virtually the same reasons that I'm leaving now.) *sigh* I have found some clarity...I'm kind of surprised, but a lot of fog lifted after I became convinced that I'm definitely doing the right thing in moving out. And also to my surprise, I feel...more like me...like my energy is shifting (my apologies to anyone who doesn't follow what I'm saying ). {sidebar off topic: I noticed the weirdest synchronicity last night involving the song "moving out" by Billy Joel *lol* - okay I did find some clarity but I'm still weird} It's strange, but things are falling into place for me...current landlord is going to cancel our lease with no problems because she likes me and doesn't want me to get screwed over by the bf who's remainging in the apartment (against the advice of her friend in real estate)...old/new landlord (rented from him before) is letting me live in a 2-bedroom for a very nice discounted rate until a 1-bedroom to my liking becomes available. Overall, I'm doing pretty okay. I'll probably have the big emotional flood thing going on later, but so far, so good. I mean, I've been with him for four years, not all of it was bad, we went through a LOT together...it's just reached that point, ya know. In response to some of your questions: Does he hurt me too much? Well, when we lived together before he definitely did. He'd pretty much lie to me and make me doubt myself 'cause I ~knew~ something was f***ed up. His actions didn't match his words, ya know? And call it intuition or whatever you'd like, but I sensed things in him that I would ask him about and he'd flat-out deny it...but much later admitted that I had been right. Crap like that kind of did a number on me...he made me doubt myself, doubt my intuition (which I would never do)...he kind of thought a lot of the stuff I believe is just b.s., so I sort of lost touch with my spirituality. I couldn't talk to him about a lot of things because he'd be back-handedly condescending. Stuff like that, on top of what I've referred to about lack of consideration. I've been seeing old patterns re-emerge lately, but it's weird because he's like Jeckyl and Hyde...for a while he's fine then he's like that ^^^ Does he realize he hurts me? Yes, I've made my cases known. Does he care? Good question. Sometimes I might get an apology but he'll turn right around and do the same s*** again. Is he trying to find a way to make it work? Right now? No, he's been acting like an a** ever since last weekend and, in fact, after I'd told him I'm moving out, I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said yes. Maybe his pride was hurt or maybe he's been looking for an excuse to end it for a while now. Who knows, but he's not making any effort to patch anything up. But hey I think he's failing to realize that the utilities are in my name...and that when I leave he's got to put them in his name. I kinda wish I could be a fly on the wall when he comes home from work to find that he's got no power and no gas. He might also be forgetting that damn near every piece of furniture in this apartment is mine...I guess he'll remember when he's left with only a folding lawn chair and a tv.
aJoy Posted October 30, 2004 Posted October 30, 2004 Originally posted by ara Well, when we lived together before he definitely did. He'd pretty much lie to me and make me doubt myself 'cause I ~knew~ something was f***ed up. His actions didn't match his words, ya know? And call it intuition or whatever you'd like, but I sensed things in him that I would ask him about and he'd flat-out deny it...but much later admitted that I had been right. Crap like that kind of did a number on me...he made me doubt myself, doubt my intuition (which I would never do)...he kind of thought a lot of the stuff I believe is just b.s., so I sort of lost touch with my spirituality. I couldn't talk to him about a lot of things because he'd be back-handedly condescending. Stuff like that, on top of what I've referred to about lack of consideration. I've been seeing old patterns re-emerge lately, but it's weird because he's like Jeckyl and Hyde...for a while he's fine then he's like that ^^^ Does he realize he hurts me? Yes, I've made my cases known. Does he care? Good question. Sometimes I might get an apology but he'll turn right around and do the same s*** again. Oh my gosh, have we been dating the same guy? J/K... really, this sounds all too familiar. I went through a period with this jerk I broke up with of being told that I was pretty much a step behind him, just not as bright as him.. so, i was second guessing myself left and right.. i'd ask a question, i'd either get the run around or so many lies I didn't know what was what. It's frustrating and no one should break someone down to that point. But I'm glad I've finally gotten my head outta my a**... But, I figured in the end that he was doing those things because he really didn't want to be with me and maybe he was just trying to make me leave instead of him leave so that he could look like the good guy. (he has no faults as far as he's concerned... ) anyway what you said sounded just like what I've been through with ol' Mr.Jerkface. HAH! He's sure gonna love the utilities and furniture thing!
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