sadwithouthim Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 We've gone NC before, but 12 days was the longest before this. We're on Day 20 now. I keep thinking "maybe I can reestablish contact one more time". I swear EA is like a majorly addictive drug. I keep having to give myself pep talks......"It wouldn't be fair to him if you contacted, leave him alone, he's trying to move on from this".....and on and on. I wish I could go back to beginning of EA and warn myself NOT to go there.
affairaddict Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Yes all the time. Last night I had to stop myself. I was bored, alone , it was late. What are your triggers? Find out and when they come get busy, occupy your mind. Ask yourself- what good can come of me contacting this man? Has anything changed since the last contact? No it hasn't. And the most important. How will he feel if I contact him? Maybe great for a while, then hurt heartbroken unable to heal. Do you want to inflict that pain on someone else?
Author sadwithouthim Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 It's a constant struggle in my head. So, I think I need to contact him (just because I literally feel hungover from heartbreak), then I have to pep talk myself. It's such an exhausting process. I don't want to hurt him more. I've hurt him enough, and I love him so much. He probably doesn't even think so. I want him to know how much it hurts me to be without him.
affairaddict Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Yes I know your feelings are genuine. As now ex OW if he contacted me today I would do my best to ignore but it would hurt me and I would long for him, but it's one big smack in the face again . I can't have him. He prefers her. He's staying with her. It really is terrible for ones self esteem. No contact is the only way. He knows you love him you know he loves you. But the situation is not workable. It's a dead end. 2
Author sadwithouthim Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Sometimes I wonder if I would have chosen to never know him than for us to go through this pain. We learned so much together though, and I think I have no regrets. How about you ladies? Would you choose not to have ever known him at all? I so hate that I'm throwing away 4 1/2 years, and my best friend.
affairaddict Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Sometimes when I'm hurt and angry. But overall no. We cared about each other and made each other laugh a lot. We have fond memories.
whereamigoing Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 NC is hard. Before reaching out to him ask yourself: what has changed, who benefits from contact, are you willing to give up the 20 days you've earned so far, are you willing to change your circumstances? Right now it is still so fresh, it is natural to feel the way you do. He is likely struggling too, contacting him will pick open the scab that is just beginning to heal. If you can't do what is best for you, then do what is best for him.
TaraMaiden Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 How's the divorce thing going? Oh sorry...you're still fixated on him. Silly me. A man you've never met or seen, is consuming your every thought, while your rotten and dysfunctional marriage is still quietly festering on.... Quit torturing yourself with the impossible and shift your focus onto the essential!!! 1
whereamigoing Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Sometimes I wonder if I would have chosen to never know him than for us to go through this pain. We learned so much together though, and I think I have no regrets. How about you ladies? Would you choose not to have ever known him at all? I so hate that I'm throwing away 4 1/2 years, and my best friend. You aren't throwing away anything. You will always have those moments and experiences. I went through a lot with xMM, years and years of PA, EA, NC, LC, days, etc. I never wished that it didn't happen. I learned so much, had amazing experiences, and would not be where I am now if I hadn't gone through all that. I am in a good place now.
TaraMaiden Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Yes - but she's never met the guy!! She's fixating on an ideal, and wasting her hours away latching onto something which she perceived brought her happiness - and she's stagnating in a meaningless, loveless, futile and dysfunctional relationship with a man she loathes, and seems to be staying 'because of the children'! sadwithouthim, you have to stop this!! because if you do as we advise - quit this marriage - meeting this guy for the first time is not off the cards yet!! 2
Author sadwithouthim Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Tara, that is straight to the point and sad but true. I think I need to fix myself. That's what I told him I would be doing in one of our last convos. I'm way too dependent (even though I have a job), and part of that is because my husband controlled me to a point where I feel powerless. I need to become more independent, and move on as peacefully as possible. He's not going to let it be peaceful though. To a point, EA was an escape from reality, and a bond which was so lacking in my life (and still is). After finding out about EA, husband thinks I can just forgive him for all the withholding of sex and affection, and the abusive words. He makes it look like it's my fault. I know in my heart my kids will know differently. He's said way too much about EA in front of them in his fits of rage. It's difficult to move on, but I must take baby steps. Thanks for reminding me of the REAL issue that needs dealt with. I'd love to escape to fantasyland with OM than deal with the hard stuff. I'm a very peace-loving person and my husband is not. I need to replace my need for escape with a dose of reality and empowerment. 1
Author sadwithouthim Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 I have to face that divorce will not be easy. The sad thing is, as many years as I've been overthinking it, I'll probably look back and regret that I stayed in denial so long. 1
whereamigoing Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Yes - but she's never met the guy!! She's fixating on an ideal, and wasting her hours away latching onto something which she perceived brought her happiness - and she's stagnating in a meaningless, loveless, futile and dysfunctional relationship with a man she loathes, and seems to be staying 'because of the children'! sadwithouthim, you have to stop this!! because if you do as we advise - quit this marriage - meeting this guy for the first time is not off the cards yet!! Not having met him in person doesn't change her feelings as misplaced as we might think they are. Clearly she has a LOT to deal with in her life. It is apparent that she is placing so much on the EA to avoid dealing with the problems in the marriage. If she were to divorce I would wager she would find the most peace from her own independence which would make her a better partner for any future relationship she us in. She may even realize this other guy was a tool to get her out of her marriage. 1
Author sadwithouthim Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Not having met him in person doesn't change her feelings as misplaced as we might think they are. Clearly she has a LOT to deal with in her life. It is apparent that she is placing so much on the EA to avoid dealing with the problems in the marriage. If she were to divorce I would wager she would find the most peace from her own independence which would make her a better partner for any future relationship she us in. She may even realize this other guy was a tool to get her out of her marriage. In the beginning, we both were therapy for each other, and were vulnerable. That's where the bond comes from. He got very frustrated that I didn't try to change my situation. He used to say that I was using him as a way to make my reality bearable, and that I couldn't move forward with him in the way. He's extremely intelligent, and WAY hot. I think, perhaps subconsciously, I might have hoped it could be a way out of the marriage. I don't ever want to feel like I used him though. I have a lot of guilt where OM is concerned. I feel like I owe him, though we both helped each other in many ways. We have immense feelings for each other, and ended very respectfully, knowing it had to be done.
whereamigoing Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 If you keep no contact you keep the respectful end. No offense but you sound quite young, if that is the case you have so much life ahead. The sooner you resolve your current issues the sooner you can get started on living the life you want and deserve.
TaraMaiden Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I believe she's in her 40's. Bless your heart, sadwithouthim, I feel for you - but you have to motivate yourself to energise and channel yourself in the right direction..... 1
Author sadwithouthim Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Yes, I'm 42. I'm just a bit timid, and can be quite helpless at times. These are things I need to change in me. The marriage has really magnified these traits, the mental abuse and conditioning to make me feel worthless. Thanks, I feel a lot of support here.
Sarabi Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Is no one following Tara's NC guide? TBH...I did most of the literal stuff at the beginning, even saving the text blocker message on my phone just in case and now...I can honestly tell you I don't know how long we've been NC Lol...I know its more than a month anyway... I managed to get out and have fun a bit... My shifts at work are changing so that I can do this... Yes yes I feel sad and upset about it but...maybe I deserve more than someone like this. Anyway...I don't feel like initiating contact...I think I am moving on gradually...initially I would have said its far too painful to contact him...
Sarabi Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 As for "maybe just one more time"...I think maybe just one more time: -He can try to initiate contact and I can happily without hesitation send him the sod off to hell/text blocker message:) -He can see me walking down the street in a pretty dress this summer looking slimmer and pretty with nice hair and I hope a part of him would squirm with regret, shame and envy that one day I will have a guy who is so much better, who is going to be treating me fabulously and far better than he ever treated me or his long suffering wife -Or maybe just one more time...he will dare to mistreat his wife again...but hopefully on that occasion the two of us(me and her) can celebrate her kicking is a$$ to the kerb and her getting her life back dreams of a life lol
Wambo Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I don't agree with Sadwithouthim's behaviour and the way she is using her friend. In my eyes she is nothing more than a villain, passing her pain onto someone else instead of getting to grips with her primary relationship. However reading her post is a great insight into a cheater's mind and how they behave in an EA. My cheater denies anything is going on so it's difficult for me to get any answers from her. I have little to no feedback how she feels when I go on NC, and I don't know if she is suffering. All I know she wants me around and SWOH story explains a lot.
Got it Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 We've gone NC before, but 12 days was the longest before this. We're on Day 20 now. I keep thinking "maybe I can reestablish contact one more time". I swear EA is like a majorly addictive drug. I keep having to give myself pep talks......"It wouldn't be fair to him if you contacted, leave him alone, he's trying to move on from this".....and on and on. I wish I could go back to beginning of EA and warn myself NOT to go there. Please don't go chasing the clown! CLOWN STORY " A man found himself in the middle of a long hallway. In the middle of this long hallway was a solitary door. He walked up to the door and knocked on it. It was answered by a clown who proceeded to beat the life out of him. The next day, the gentleman was in the hallway once more, and once more found his way to the door and knocked on it. Again, it was answered by the same clown and again, the clown beat him senseless. This occurred for 4 more days - the man would be in the hallway, go to the door, knock on it, and the clown would answer the door only to beat him senseless once more. On the 7th day, the man was once again in the hallway. He walked up to the door and knocked on it - but no one answered. So, he went looking for the clown. My husband and I often say, when we're discussing how we used to allow prior relationships to hurt us AGAIN and AGAIN, that we're NO LONGER looking for the clown. I see women here who continually allow their xMM (or MM) to hurt them again and again and again. The key word here, though, is "allow." When we allow someone to continually hurt us and abuse us emotionally, it becomes the rule rather than the exception. I just want to tell those who are hurting to STOP looking for the clown. " So, this is from the Clown's perspective: Wow, she finally found me, she must really want me. I'm going to treat her like ****, disrespect her, lie to her, give her just little bits of my time and make promises I have no intention of keeping. She surely won't stay around after that. Hmmmm....I can't believe she's come back looking for me again. I would have thought that by treating her so bad to begin with she wouldn't want to be treated like that anymore. I'm going to treat her like **** some more, give her some even bigger lies and give her hope when I know there isn't any. WOW, she is back for more? I thought for sure she'd have gone away by now. After all, I have really been an ******* to her. I've given her nothing but pain and heartache, yet she seems to enjoy all these bad things I can give her. I'm thinking she must be enjoying this. OMG - this is great! She has come back again and I now know for sure that I don't ever have to change. That no matter how bad I treat her, no matter what I say or do, no matter how much I lie to her, hurt her, give her hope - she is just going to accept it. I don't have to change my life, ruin my family, put anything of my own in jeopardy because she has proven to me she will continue to keep coming back for me. No matter how bad I treat her. And, I keep getting to have someone on the side who I can have sex with, who I can call when I'm lonely, hurting or just need someone to understand my problems. I can fit her into my life because she is waiting around and always available to me no matter what. She is so happy for the 5 minutes we get together that I don't have to give more than that. Wow, I LOVE being the Clown. I have it made!! I feel sorry for the one who keeps looking for me.
TaraMaiden Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Have you read the OP's history? When you do (and I strongly advise it) you'll see that story is entirely inappropriate to the matter. But well-meant, I'm sure, nevertheless.....
Got it Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 The clown can be that rinse and repeat desire that ends up in the same unhappy spot over and over again. The clown can be the affair itself. The clown can be you, or a part of you.
TaraMaiden Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 The clown can be that rinse and repeat desire that ends up in the same unhappy spot over and over again. The clown can be the affair itself. The clown can be you, or a part of you. yeah....I still think personally that's probably a bit too deep for this specific situation. I DO get you though; there are many situations where the analogy is wholly spot-on....
Recommended Posts