fiftyofsomethin Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Hey guys, This is more of a hypothetical discussion rather than something I'm actually going through, but I'd really like your input! So in my last two relationships, the breakup went something like this: GF goes cold for a day. I become insecure and pry to ask why it is. She claims it's fine. Another day of not talking goes by. She gives some excuse for why she couldn't talk. About a week to a month goes by of the same thing happening. The breakup happens. So what I was wondering exactly is where do you draw the line between inaction and action? I tried the opposites in both relationships. One I actively tried to get her back to me. The other I just let her do her own thing and she eventually left me anyways. So I'm wondering what exactly you can do to deal with this? I feel like the reason that kicked both of the initial "cold" days was me being too comfortable with the relationship and I would just stop trying and I just become too clingy to them. I would give to much of me to them. I would tell them I love them too much, I would express my affection. So I am assuming it got to the point where they took me for granted. And of course, as they start pulling away, it only makes you want them more and makes you try harder. So. How, exactly, do you become independently loving of yourself (not requiring other people or their feelings towards you to feel happy) and also not being too available to your partner? This would hopefully solve the problems of being too clingy to them and also them taking you for granted. Thoughts? Please spare any stupid sentences, misspellings, or general stupid parts. I wrote this when I was half asleep at 1:30 AM after thinking about it in bed for an hour. It crosses my mind because I had a slight episode today of jealousy and that feeling like if I lose this girl I'm seeing it will all be over. And of course that's not true, I just need to stop feeling so goddamned dependent on other people.
theloyalone1 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Funny thing is I never been with a man who is open with his affection and feelings. I would say to never change that grrat quality and the RIGHT woman will appreciate it. On the other hand, the world that we live in, we seem to like those who treat us like crap and dislike the those who treat us right. Lol sad but true sometimes. Now clingy? That's a no no You need to find a hobby or something that makes YOU happy What are u passionate about? Start to create a list of what brings out the best in you and go from there. 1
theloyalone1 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Great answer. I agree your SO is a compliment Like An addition not a necessity. So you should have your Own life and when u meet the right one, she will be an "Addition" to your life
SJC2008 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 So I'm wondering what exactly you can do to deal with this? You don't want to smother someone or project your insecurities onto them but for the most things probably would of ended anyway. People get caught up into a "What if I did this" game and when you read advice it tells you to act like you don't care in other words. Lol like that's my ideal relationship where I have to act like I don't care to keep someone on the hook. 1
SJC2008 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Funny thing is I never been with a man who is open with his affection and feelings. There's a reason for that.
SJC2008 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Great answer. I agree your SO is a compliment Like An addition not a necessity. So you should have your Own life and when u meet the right one, she will be an "Addition" to your life True but this is the biggest cliche in dating. Most couples are up eachothers asses and don't/hardly ever see their friends.
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Thanks for the responses guys. I mean yeah. It's a very interesting thought. Trust me. I am quite happy right now. I just don't know exactly how to mix the right amount of distance and affection I suppose. How does one show they care without also pushing them too hard and become overly affectionate. They say the ones who wanted the relationship the most are the ones who get hurt. I do suppose that is true. It's very unfortunate. It is what it is I suppose. I honestly don't know if there is a correct or perfect way to go about this. It's just how it is.
theloyalone1 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 The reason I said I never been with a man who never expressed his feelings cuz really I only had a "off again, on again" relationship so true . No comittmenet, he doesn't feel obligated. Thank goodness I'm over that immature stage in my life in my early 20s. Back then I lacked communication badly. And to answer the second part. I don't see it as cliche Personally true most couples do be like "white on rice" with Eachother but I like a little distance meaning we may talk Everyday, we may not see eachother everyday. I've always been like that. He'll understand lol
SJC2008 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 The reason I said I never been with a man who never expressed his feelings cuz really I only had a "off again, on again" relationship so true . No comittmenet, he doesn't feel obligated. Thank goodness I'm over that immature stage in my life in my early 20s. Back then I lacked communication badly. And to answer the second part. I don't see it as cliche Personally true most couples do be like "white on rice" with Eachother but I like a little distance meaning we may talk Everyday, we may not see eachother everyday. I've always been like that. He'll understand lol Don't mind me you don't have to explain yourself. I'm in rant mode...
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 It's a combination of being yourself, but also gauging your partner's reactions. So long as you're supportive, kind, generous, and fight fairly, then they can't expect more from you. Occasionally be spontaneous, listen (sometimes we just want someone to listen, not problem-solve), and essentially, treat someone as you want to be treated. If that doesn't work, they're not the person for you. That is true. The point when I become insecure is when I feel like I've been overly-attached or they might be able to find someone better than me or maybe they ALREADY found someone better than me. Better in this case meaning more spontaneous, kinder, more attractive, etc. I feel like the relationship starts going downhill in my case when I begin to feel insecure about myself and feel like they could/are doing better. This causes me to embody the mindset of inferiority. When in reality, almost all of this could be avoided if you just embody the mindset of being enough. If you assume you are more than enough for everyone. For yourself. You should be able to find happiness everywhere you go.
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 After thinking on it a bit, I figured that it's actually more of an issue of being able to show affection or letting them know you are interested but also not overdoing it and becoming overly-affectionate. Because when you do this, they will likely eventually begin to take you for granted and start to move away from you slowly - or not so slowly. People want a challenge. And if you are showing them often and with intensity how much you appreciate them, they will consider you too easy and assume they can do better. Humans are unnerved when things are too easy. Ever wonder why no one ever falls for those get-rich-quick junk postcards that come in the mail? (At least somewhat intelligent people don't). The same goes for relationships. If someone feels you are too easy or they could do better, they will drop you like a hot potato. Or at least, there is a high probability of it happening. So essentially, the question now is how to show affection and interest without overdoing it and letting them take you for granted.
irc333 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 This is actually a red flag, these 2 women aren't communicators and lack any courage on "talking it out". The whole "Oh, there's nothing wrong..." response would probably just push me more into asking her what her friggin' problem is and just to spill the beans about it and what hair is up her arse. Hey guys, This is more of a hypothetical discussion rather than something I'm actually going through, but I'd really like your input! So in my last two relationships, the breakup went something like this: GF goes cold for a day. I become insecure and pry to ask why it is. She claims it's fine. Another day of not talking goes by. She gives some excuse for why she couldn't talk. About a week to a month goes by of the same thing happening. The breakup happens. So what I was wondering exactly is where do you draw the line between inaction and action? I tried the opposites in both relationships. One I actively tried to get her back to me. The other I just let her do her own thing and she eventually left me anyways. So I'm wondering what exactly you can do to deal with this? I feel like the reason that kicked both of the initial "cold" days was me being too comfortable with the relationship and I would just stop trying and I just become too clingy to them. I would give to much of me to them. I would tell them I love them too much, I would express my affection. So I am assuming it got to the point where they took me for granted. And of course, as they start pulling away, it only makes you want them more and makes you try harder. So. How, exactly, do you become independently loving of yourself (not requiring other people or their feelings towards you to feel happy) and also not being too available to your partner? This would hopefully solve the problems of being too clingy to them and also them taking you for granted. Thoughts? Please spare any stupid sentences, misspellings, or general stupid parts. I wrote this when I was half asleep at 1:30 AM after thinking about it in bed for an hour. It crosses my mind because I had a slight episode today of jealousy and that feeling like if I lose this girl I'm seeing it will all be over. And of course that's not true, I just need to stop feeling so goddamned dependent on other people. 1
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 This is actually a red flag, these 2 women aren't communicators and lack any courage on "talking it out". The whole "Oh, there's nothing wrong..." response would probably just push me more into asking her what her friggin' problem is and just to spill the beans about it and what hair is up her arse. Trust me, I realize that those two girls were not any good. After a couple of months, I forget about them for the most part. However, it is useful to learn a lesson from it and try to grow from your experiences. That's honestly the only reason it takes a few months and not a few weeks to get over them - I have to think about what happened, what I did about it, what we were feeling, etc. and then figure out how I ca avoid it next time.
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Okay guys, I actually have a question for you all at the moment. So I have been talking to this girl for the last few months. And We just got to our first makeout like four days ago. I say that to emphasize the stage we got to. So for these last few months we would talk EVERY day. We would talk whenever we could and use the snapchat app often as well. However, the last few days it has been almost nonexistent. Yesterday, our texting was very slow. Usually we take around 2-3 minutes to respond to each other and it was taking her about 15-30 minutes per text. She never responded to my snapchat I sent too. And I sent the first text at around 5PM and we only ended up sending maybe 15 texts that day. And today it was more of the same. She also has been writing what I consider the bare minimum for a response. So I finally asked if everything was alright which she said yes to. And then I told her I was asking because the way I saw it she didn't appear to want to be communicating with me nearly as much as she usually does - if at all. And that was sent 30 minutes ago. I have yet to receive a response. I am wondering what you guys think I should do here. She is a very awesome girl if I haven't said that already. She is really down-to-earth and philosophical like me, so this is very out of her character to just stop talking like she has. She just doesn't seem interested. And also nothing has happened that I know of that would cause this. Is this all in my head? Am I being unreasonable? I mean I tried to figure out what was different and she hasn't really cooperated. All I know is that this has pretty much happened right before both of my last two breakups as well so I don't have a great feeling about it. What should I do about it?
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 "To be honest I just don't think I'm ready for a physical relationship. It's not anything against you I just don't think I'm ready for that. I've been thinking about it a lot and that's probably why I've been distant". Damn. Just received that text from her. What do I do about this. I want to be able to make it clear that I want to be friends and hangout but I don't need to do anything physical. I fear she may have made a permanent change though, unfortunately.
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Yeah. I really know what that means. I'm fairly certain that that kiss we had was a large turnoff for her. I could tell something didn't sit right with her right after and the entire night after it was fine, but I could still tell. And I know how people work. If she was still interested she would have talked just how we usually had, just that she would tell me that physical affection wouldn't be an option. I would totally understand. But now that she has made it clear that it isn't an option after a few days of distance, I can tell that there is a distinctly lower amount of interest. I won't lie, that really just caused my ego to take a dive.
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 Bugger. Sorry hon. Just text back "Ok, no problem. I wish you all the best." Then go radio silent. Don't try to be her friend, because you're only doing that to try and change her mind (aren't you? Tell the truth. I don't judge). You can make plenty of new friends, you don't need this one. Just leave her be. If she changes her mind, she'll find you. I will be entirely honest here. I DID want to stay friends with my exes because I genuinely wanted to change their minds. However, this girl is something else. I honestly think physical affection almost shouldn't have been an option. It was probably a mistake. She was too cool. I can't let go of someone like that for a small thing like this. I could care less about that. I want to be able to still be how we were pre-kiss. Is that possible? I don't know. But she did just respond to my response and she told me she definitely still wants to hang out and she said that it was probably a mistake to start that (it was her idea to do it by the way). Anyways. I don't know. I DO want to tell you I really appreciate the help you've given me this far though!
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 Take the advice. Trust me. There are plenty of cool people out there and you'll meet others. If she wants to hang out she needs to take the initiative. She does the texting, she sets it up, she makes the effort. You do nothing. If you don't hear from her, don't text her. If she gets pissy, act casual. Do not reply to any more texts right now, Give yourself at least a week to come off the high emotions you've been experiencing, if during that week she texts you, let at least an hour go by before you reply. Don't give an excuse as to why you took so long to reply unless asked, and if asked, you say "Sorry, was caught up with people." Offer no further explaination than that. If the conversation she's offering is just frivolous with no firm plans to hang out, end it quickly. "Thanks for your text, but I'm out with people right now and don't want to be rude. Chat soon." In the meantime, consider this relationship a wash and remain open to other possibilities. You gotta play the game to win, this is how it's done. Thanks man! Actually this is a very good opportunity to start this because I am leaving tomorrow afternoon on a week and a half long trip to Monaco and Italy and I don't really plan on talking to her much if at all. I actually know this one girl who happens to be in Europe right now also and I am hoping to see if we could meet up somewhere. But also, we seemed to have worked things out, she still does not seem to be quite as interested as before. Something changed. But the biggest thing I'd like to make note of is that I began to feel slightly needy or like my ego had taken a hit at this. It's like I get so attached and used to the idea of a certain person/girl liking me that I take it for granted and once there isn't as much evidence of it, I start to try harder and harder until ultimately I start to probably make the girl feel like I am too easy. It's almost annoying that she told me "Just be in the moment. Turn the phone off." It's slightly annoying for a few reasons I see. One being that I have always been an advocate for living in the moment and enjoying the present and also for talking in person rather than texting. So it's a bit annoying that she used two policies of mine almost against me. But I digress. I hope that I can find happiness in myself and stop relying on other people and their feelings towards me to be happy. 1
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 Most definitely! I actually just found this article from Psychology Today's website: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201211/why-nice-guys-and-gals-finish-last-in-love And it actually has opened my eyes on a few things. Three points they made were: 1) The person who does the most for their partner eventually wants the relationship to succeed more and therefore falls in "love" and becomes attached. 2) You need to reinforce what you see as positive behavior in your partner. So for example if she is rude to you or she is cold to you, don't take her out for dinner that day. Simple. 3) Don't make yourself readily available. The author sums up the whole thing pretty well here: "Does that mean you have to be a jerk or diva to find love? No. But, it does mean that you need to be selective with your time, attention, and niceness. It means you cannot be eager to please, needy, overly-available, or endlessly nice. To create a loving, respectful, and appreciative relationship, you have to know the rules of the game...and play by them." Also, something I realized myself is that many people who you are afraid to stand up to in fear you will lose them for some reason very often will not actually do anything if you were to speak up. Chances are they care about you too, even if it's not as much. So simply making them realize that THEY need to impress YOU for you to stick around them. Just food for thought. 1
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 There's a saying "The person who loves the least, holds the power." Not that you should aim to love someone less than they love you, but you should be aiming for an equilibrium. We're unable to completely love and respect another person until we love and respect ourselves. And we teach people how to treat us. If we accept disrespect and poor behaviour from others, we set a tone. That's a good article. It's important to always treat others with dignity and respect, and if they don't respond in kind, we pull them up on it, or we move on. I would suggest he best thing for you, moving forward from this, is to never apologise for being affectionate, always be clear in your communication, but if the other person is dicking you around, move on. You're much too busy and important (even if you're not busy - they don't need to know that!) I'd be interested to see how this girl reacts after you get back from your trip. At least you will be too busy to chat to her! Oh for sure! I just want to reiterate how grateful I am for having this little chat. It's always nice to have an eye-opening conversation from time to time. It lets you know there are other ways of thinking about things. 1
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 Well. I am in Europe right now. This is the first time I have had connection to wifi and well, I sent her a picture of the ocean via a FB message through my phone and she ha yet to respond but I know she saw it because it says "seen at..[time]" And I don't know. I've found that during the long train trip across the top of Italy, I found I was starting to become a little depressed-ish. (I know, poor me. In Italy and he's sad). But I suppose it's almost like I feel home-sick. I feel like I'm missing out on things at home right now. I know I should just live in the moment and be happy with where I am, but it bothers me that this girl who used to want to talk to me at EVERY opportunity suddenly apparently has no interest in me. And she isn't some vain type of girl to get bothered by what other people think. So going no contact doesn't seem like a good idea. But it's an odd situation. I want to get things back to normal I suppose. Grazie.
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 Don't send her anything. Radio silence, remember? Okay. Let's forget about her for a second. I have another thought for us to think on. So I've realized that when it comes to girls, I get attached and slightly jealous quickly. It happened with my exes and it's happening now with this new girl. The second I sense a bit of pulling away, I try harder and go on the defensive. Then when I see things on social media or hear things that they are doing fun without me during this stage, I get sort of jealous and can't really figure why. When I think logically, I realize there's no reason to worry about this. I realize that I'm still alive, I can still be happy, etc. without this specific girl I happen to be worrying about at the time. But why does this happen? I of course would still rather have them chase me than the other way around. And something I figured out was that the person who gets the power in a relationship is the person who doesn't care if they have power or not. It's the person who can realize they are fine without them and can possibly even do better. But still, when I see them doing things I might be slightly not outgoing enough to do, such with this new girl going up on stage during this youth group thing and just singing randomly (which everyone apparently loved, by the way). It just bothered me that I felt "lower" or "inadequate". I suppose this means I just need to build up my confidence and stop relying on certain outcomes. Damn. I'm sorry about the sporadic nature of this message, but eh, I'm in Italy. Everyone is sporadic here. Ciao.
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