Diomedeus Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Hello everyone, I have found myself in the situation of having a wife that has appeared to have an emotional affair. It is turning out to be the most difficult thing I have had to deal with and frankly I am totally lost and hurting beyond measure. I love my wife, but I feel I have been betrayed and have no clue what to do. I am open to advice and appreciate any suggestions that may remedy the situation. Let me give you a little background: I was in accounting for many years and got burned out, went on to open a small retail store. I have been in business for about 5 years, I have two wonderful kids (although can be a pain somedays hehe) and what I thought was a loving wife. The downside is that I work 60-70 hours a week, so I am not as home as much as I like, which I don't don't know would make a difference on this situation or not, but that is neither here nor there. Let me just get to it: About 8-12 months ago, my wife went on a health kick, she does pilates, walks, etc. She went from 180lbs to about 130, she looks great. However I thought she look great at 180, however she was not happy at that. She was starting to show all the classic signs of the "unfaithful spouse". For example, weight loss, dressing nicer, more primp time, more protective of her phone, etc. I started to get a bit curious a couple months ago. We have been together for about 9-10 years, married for 6. I have never questioned or doubted her convictions to our marriage until recent. Scheduled work hours 8-5pm, going in at 5am recently, etc. Who the @#$%@#$ willingly goes in at 5am to get shiz done if not needsby. I mean in accounting I would go in an hour or so early to get a jump on the day, but a 3 hour jump consistantly for 2 months, who does that? Am I outa my mind? Btw this is the first time I have ever posted anything like this, so please excuse me if it doesn't come out right, but I am hurting, drinking a bit, and need guidance. Anyways, 2 days ago I went to plug in my cell to charge and noticed hers was open to facebook and saw a couple choice words that caught my eye, so as guilty as I felt, I started to read. My stomach sank, I got a lump in my throat, thought I was going to throw up. It was :sick:her and a co-worker kinda bantering back and fourth, with alot of inuendos and what not, but the more I read that sicker I felt. With the mention of back rubs, costumes, catching their eye from across the room, and in my opinion the worst one "I can't wait to see you tomorrow", leaning over her back cheek to cheek, I thought I was going to throw up. My heart started to pound, I could hear it in my ears, I became weak and thought I would pass out. I could not believe my eyes. I proceeded to read the past messages at this point, I felt guilty but at the same time justified. I tried to get to sleep, thinking that would make it better, a sleepless night it was....I was laying on the couch, and almost like it was meant to be 445am she comes out in the kitchen, checks her phone and proceeds to the laundry room, I got up, went in the laundry room, and asked, what are you doing up? Her repsonse was "going into work, I have a project I need to work on" I kinda stomped out into the other room, got on the computere, for what reason I don't know, she asked me whats wrong. I told her I didn't want to talk to her at the moment. she persisted, whats wrong, I told her nothing I wanted to talk about, she pushed, then I told her, "I don't think I can trust you anymore". She asked what I was talking about, I proceeded to tell her about the f@#$%@#ing facebook messages, she then seemed to get very guilty and said I am soooooooo sorry. (I was keeping a cool head and a calm tone) She kept saying it was totally innocent, etc. That every comment about it had an inside joke attached to it. She claims nothing has happened,he never touched her, she never touched him. They are just "friends". If I had the same conversations with a lady or two that I deal with at work, I would be in a world of sh@#$. There a ton of red flags and key offs that I could list, but I noticed that I am rambling and babbbling, I am sorry about that, I just don't know what to do. The drink has comforted me a bit, but I need not make a habit of it, but it is late and it seemed like a why not moment. The whole thing sucks without saying, but when my wife tells me nothing happened, I feel compelled to believe her, is it because I want to believe it or because its true???? Its funny (not haha) a few weeks ago I was trying to figure out how my wife (the love of my life) could take a vacation together just to spend time together, and now I am thinking of how a divorce will affect the children, will I become the damn weekend dad, it hurts guys. I have not cried in years, really for anything, and I find myself sobbing at a simple love song, a random thought, typing this post, it hurts. Please, I welcome questions, comments, etc....I need support, because I am finding that ignorance is truely bliss and I wish I never had any doubt and didn't know about the other F@#$@#$ guy, omg it hurts so bad. I thought I would feel better after getting my thoughts out, but S@#$@# it still hurts soooo bad. Why do people have to be untrue? I have been cheated on before in previous relationships, but this is marriage. I thought (foolishly) that marriage was the end all be all, but it seems to be all bs, its all roses until something better, better looking, younger, etc, comes along. Then all the good times are gone. I told myself I would not get all emo on this post, but I can't help it. Please guys, give me some solid advice, I would really appreciate it. And YES I have mentioned marriage couseling to her, she thought it would be a waste of money. I guess marriage has a price tag....In her defence, she did seem upset and feels like she hurt our marriage, all this time still claiming it was innocent flirting, f@#$@#$ing facebook, I wish they would shut it down! Studies seem to favor facebook has hurt marriages, I would be on the agree side. Please help my anonymous friends. Thank you for reading this long a@#$@# post. Dio:sick:
Aimz Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Hey sweetie. I'm really sorry to hear all this. To be honest, it sounds like she's lying from what you're saying. She feels guilty that she got caught. Although she may have never physically cheated, something clearly is wrong with the way she is talking to this fella. One of my best male friends works with me and has been in a relationship for six years and I would never dream of us telling each other things like that. I hope she comes clean with you. Its one thing to have a coworker you find attractive. Its completely different when you act on those emotions. But clearly if you do decide to stay and work on things, its going to be difficult. You're going to resent her for a while and your trust will NEVER be the same. I wish you the best going through this. I'll never understand why the people who you love and they supposedly love and cafe for you treat you like garbage.
amtz Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 You are not alone brother! It is truly sad to read such things. I can only imagine what you felt since I was in your shoes a week ago.. YOU are huge GUY a great human being! You acted with dignity and mature, it would be safe to say that 95% of us would had acted up crying, aggressive or made a fool out of our selfs. IM ONE OF THOSE FOOLS BY THE WAY. At this point there is nothing you can do since she did wrong NOT YOU and the truth is that if she is interested and willing to be with you she will do something to clean her name... My advice would be give it time see how she reacts and what she is going to do. As far as cleaning her name or giving a rats a$$. Keep in mind that you are NOT ALONE! This past 7 days or so I have only slept 24 hrs total, been smocking like crazy and only ate probably 4 times in all this past days. Ohhh forgot to mention CRYING LIKE CRAZY. We all support you bro feel free to contact for anything I got your back! GOD BlESS
Author Diomedeus Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Hello friends, I appreciate your words, there is some comfort in them, however I must admit it still hurts. I figured I would give you a progress report so to speak. It does seem to help to get my feelings out, even though I don't know you guys. It is not something that you want to discuss with everyday people in your life. In the event that things work out and all is well, it very well could cause weirdness with the people that knew about the infidelity. So let me get on with this: So the last few days since my initial post, she has seem to made efforts to try to remedy the situation. She claims that she talked to him at work the very day I had confronted her and basically told him, "Although we are just friends and the messaging was innocent, I am a married woman, love my family, and looking at just the surface of these conversations it just doesn't look good and we really need to keep it professional". I can appreciate her way of explaining this, as she is not blaming it on me, therefore maybe in his mind it is her idea and not me finding out, therefore seeming more genuine.?.? I want to believe it, I want to take her at her word, and her actions over the last few days tell me yes, she realizes it was going to far and needed to end it before it went to the point of no return. I want to...... However, part of me is really still hurting quite bad. After a couple good days together, it is Monday, the first day back to the workplace, the place where they work together. It is bugging me. Did she truly tell him as I stated above that this emotional flirting is done, or did it go down more like, "My husband saw the messages, he told me it needed to end, I don't want to, we need to find another way to chat that he will not find out about". That is what is tearing into me.....late last night and today. I wonder for people that have been through this, how long does it take before you stop thinking that way and doubting everything said? I want believe her, I want it to be like it was, but I am full of doubt, full of second guesses. I used to be a fairly confident man, never doubted my reading of people, motives, etc. Never really doubted myself as a husband, friend, etc...It has served me well my whole life, until a few days ago. Now I wonder if that confidence was misplaced or an illusion. One thing that is really bothering me on top of almost everything else going on is drinking. So I found out Wed night, confronted her Thursday morning. I have been drinking heavily starting on Thursday night onward, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun. The 1st day or two, I didn't think much of it, however looking back I am beginning to wonder if there is another problem, as a result of the 1st problem. I am finding that once everyone goes to sleep at night, having a drink is comforting, perhaps too comforting. Like last night, went to bed with the wife, slept for a bit, got up in the middle of the night, immediately started thinking about the whole situation, and guess what I did, went and got the Crown Royal out of the cabinet. I was never a big drinker, glass of wine once in a while at night to calm my nerves, or socially at weddings/receptions, birthdays, but overall I would say a couple times a month at most, and normally not that often. Now granted when I drink, I drink! I tried to make a concious effort to not have a drink last night, but the more I thought about the situation, the weaker I felt to the pull of the bottle. Then I had a drink, it was good, it was comforting, it was like an old friend had stopped over to listen to my tale of woe. Even now, the thought of having a drink sounds really good, however being a rational and reasonable person I realize that can't happen, that won't happen, but tonight, when the wife is in bed, and the kids are asleep, if that little guy in the back of mind says, "Hey buddy, lets have a drink, you'll feel better", I don't know what I will tell him. I don't know if I resent her more for the whole emotional infidelity with a co-worker thing, or that she has put me in a situation that I feel that I have to drink to cope with her infidelity, or the fact that I feel I have to drink to forget about my demons and insecurities. I think this is going to be a very long and bumpy road. As I stated in my first post, "Ignorance is truly bliss". In many ways I wish I never found out about it. I absolutely despise how I feel. I am beginning to feel that this whole bs situation is defining my life and I don't like that, not one bit. Anyways, I very much appreciate the kind words and support though this difficult time. Maybe time will heal all....Maybe not....only one way to find out. Talk to you soon friends. Dio
mbethb Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Oh Dio...I'm so very sorry. Your sistuation is very much like mine. I'm only one month out and in terrible pain, although feeling better. My stbxh lied, snuck around, cheated and kept lying until I had concrete proof and he had to come clean. He preomised to end the A and went back and forth for months before finally leaving a month ago. I know how hard it is to digest the situation. I would venture to guess it's gone farther than she admitting. Try to get some perspective and decide if you can get passed the betrayel. And take it easy on the booze I went down that road for a bit too and it wasn't helpful in the least.
AllTooWell Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Stop your drinking right now. Pull yourself together. If I were you I would check out another forum called Talk About Marriage. Check out the Infidelity forum and post there. They will help you and have more information. Some things need to happen: - if she met this man through work, she needs to get another job - the fact is that this was probably not an emotional affair. They worked together and were in contact. This was a physical affair. She is lying. - post on TAM and read about the 180. Start doing it. Now. - Send a NC letter to the OM. - IC - Make a list of what YOU need for reconciliation She gets a new jobShe never speaks to this man againYou have access to all of her accounts and passwords (email, facebook, etc)She starts individual counseling and you both start marriage counseling (despite what you think, if everything was fine in your marriage she WOULDN'T BE SEEKING emotional/physical validation elsewhere)You out her to her friends/family This woman seems to still be in "the fog" of her affair. "Nothing happened, it was innocent, just inside jokes." No, it wasn't innocent. 2 adults do not have innocent inside jokes like that. Your gut instinct is right. She is lying. She is going to continue to lie and talk to this man unless you blow her out of the water.
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