cdnm Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Hi...I've posted on LoveShack before, but under another name several years ago, and found the advice helpful. Hoping forum readers can help again... I've been with my boyfriend for 5, going on 6 years. Our relationship has been challenging and he's treated me pretty crappy. The you-know-what hit the fan about 6-7 months ago and things really got bad. Since then I've been going to one of the 12 step groups for partners of addicts and I've learned a great deal. As I've started to change -- so has our relationship -- for the better. However, there's still a lot of water under the bridge that I'm not sure that I can ultimately get past. Meanwhile, I have to be careful not to slip back into codependent tendencies, which brings me to my dilemma. My boyfriend has serious ADHD as well. A few years ago -- yes, years -- he dropped off his motorcycle at the dealer for the routine service. He never paid the dealer -- nor did he pick up the bike. The dealer called him repeatedly -- and my boyfriend promised to pay and go get it -- but he didn't. I even offered to set up a time to drive to the dealer with him. Last night I was at his house and saw a certified letter from the dealer setting on the coffee table. Basically they are going to sell the bike as an abandoned vehicle. The dealer says he can get it back if he pays for the service plus $20K in storage fees. The bike's not worth that much. I debated about this all day and had resolved to let him learn this hard lesson and not help him out. Then, at the end of the day I decided I would try to get the email address of the dealer just in case I wanted to do something. I had to call because it wasn't on their website. Well, the owner answered so I ended up talking to him. At first I didn't want to give the dealer my name -- because I really didn't know if I wanted to get involved in this -- keep in mind that my boyfriend has said nothing to me about the situation. The dealer offered to let me buy the bike for $5K -- about the blue book value. My boyfriend owed $1,200 for the service -- so it's $3,800 more than it should be if he had just picked it up. Anyway... I know you'll all tell me not to bail him out. If I buy the bike, I'd put it in my name. I'm not just going to hand him back his bike minus $5K. But I'm trying to decide if it's best to just let him learn his lesson. I don't want to enable him. On the other hand, he's had a tough few years with his business, kids, and other stuff, and I sympathize with being overwhelmed with life -- not to mention his ADHD. I ran into some problems of my own keeping up with household responsibilities when I was seriously injured and lost one of my parents in the space of a week. Advise me please? I have to let the dealer know my decision tomorrow morning.
Eggplant Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Let your boyfriend deal with his own bike. Let him know about the letter. He'll take care of it. Or he won't. Don't worry about it. 2
era Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I am so sorry that you hurt yourself and lost one of your parents. The bike dilemma is not your responsibility. Please take care of yourself.
Author cdnm Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Thank you Era. Eggplant, he already knows about the letter. But I think you are right. This isn't my problem. I just don't understand why he didn't pick it up.
Col1 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 How does he (with serious ADHD) maintain constant focus when riding a motorcycle? You could be saving his life by having his cycle taken away.
LittleTiger Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 If you have codependency tendencies, you will know that what you're considering doing is 'rescuing' him. He won't recover from his illness if you constantly enable or rescue him. I don't know him, or your history, but I'd take a guess that, if you did get involved here and something didn't quite go to plan, he would conveniently blame it all on you - despite the fact that it's a problem he created years ago, all by himself! So leave it. It's his responsibility not yours. 1
gaius Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I've tried to help people out who have made idiotic blunders of that level before and it never works out well. I think on some level they want to punish themselves, and if you deny them that they just figure out another way to do it. I don't think as a man I would appreciate a former asset I was proud of being put in my girlfriends name either, because I ****ed up and she's so great and responsible. Good intentioned but bad idea on many levels. P.S. 20k for storage fees? I gotta get into the storage business. 1
TaraMaiden Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Your BIG mistake was in calling the dealer. That was interference right there, even "just in case". That's either being co-dependent (at best) or meddling (at worst). The guy will never learn to stand on his own two feet, if you keep propping him up. You need to learn the difference between "Idiot Compassion" and "Wise Compassion". Idiot Compassion has an agenda. It is there because in your mind, you wish to be seen as loving, accommodating, considerate, altruistic and to an extent, self-sacrificing. It's an image you seek to cultivate, in order to at least put yourself in some form of 'good light' in the eyes of others. You want to be thanked, appreciated or simply noticed for having 'made the gesture'. You wish to be seen as reliable, giving, and generous with your time and consideration. And it can keep you stuck in the quagmire of always 'putting out', but never 'getting back'. Yet, you persist, because you hope, that maybe at one small moment, this trend will change..... Wise Compassion Enables, without losing anything of yourself. It is not always gentle, kind, silent and partisan. It is impartial, non-judgemental and completely altruistic - but also discriminating and considerate, and evaluates the most favourable method of supporting both the giver and the receiver, without any visible detriment to either. Wise Compassion enables the giver to remain untainted by the choices of another, because Wise Compassion leads the way with the benefit of all in mind; but if not all choose to abide by its Principles, then they have nobody to blame for their collapse, but themselves. Wise Compassion considers the well-being, mental safety and emotional stability of the primary giver, first and foremost. Wise Compassion starts with ourselves.
BradJacobs Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 How does he (with serious ADHD) maintain constant focus when riding a motorcycle? You could be saving his life by having his cycle taken away. SMH! ADHD/ADD doesn't mean you can't concentrate or focus. In fact the exact opposite is true. @OP, don't buy the bike from the dealership. You shouldn't enable bad behavior. If he is an unmedicated ADD then he should either be seeing a behavioral therapist or have systems dedicated to maintain those daily chores that don't produce the dopamines or that aren't in his "now" thinking box. Untreated, unmedicated and without adequate control systems these sorts of things will happen again (financial problems, medical issues, etc). Wish you luck!
Author cdnm Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Thank you all for your replies. It was a tough call for me because I see how hard he is trying to fix his life, and I know this was something that happened because things had gotten wildly out of control and he was completely overwhelmed. I also know it was because he was desperately financially strapped and too proud to ask for help. I admit I have struggled with codependency, but now that I am aware of it though my work with 12 step groups for partners, I am making conscious choices to stop those behaviors. I only try to help him when he asks, or when I feel like it -- not because I want something, but because I care about him and want to do so. It can be very hard to walk this line in an intimate relationship -- especially when the other person has an addiction history. At this point, I am not sure that it's something I can do over the long haul. It's tiring, especially when things come up from the past, such as this. I'm still trying to work that out in my mind.
TaraMaiden Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I will admit you have demonstrated more tenacity patience, perseverance and determination than I would have done. It may be a negative trait, it may not (sometimes it serves me well, at others.... ) but I do not suffer 'fools' gladly, and I would have considered your BF a 'fool' a long time ago, and bailed. I wish you well, and to close, would exhort you to remember who, in this relationship, needs your loving care and consideration, first and foremost: You.
BradJacobs Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 It's tiring, especially when things come up from the past, such as this. His past behavior will be indicative of his future unless he gets it under control. You mentioned in your first post that he's treated you pretty crappy. Is that because you feel neglected, because he doesn't follow through with commitments, because he says the wrong things or all of the above? It's only going to get easier if you understand and accept why he's programmed this way and you both commit to doing things to avoid the problems this will and does cause. Best of luck!
Author cdnm Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Brad, That's a WHOLE other thread -- and something that I'm not sure I'd share on Love Shack. I just don't think that many people would understand. Suffice it to say, he's an addict. He may not drink any more -- he's actually been sober for 20 plus years -- but that doesn't mean he doesn't struggle to not slip into the same behavior patterns in other areas of his life. Things really hit rock bottom about 6 months ago. That's when I started going to a 12 step program for partners. As I've gotten healthier so has he and so has our relationship. That being said, I feel like it's now at a turning point. I kind of see the bike incident, in some strange way, as a sign that I need to make a change. I'm starting to think about ending the relationship. I'm just not sure he's doing enough to get well -- and I'm not sure even if he did -- if it would make a difference. He may never be able to give me what I need and want. I wouldn't have been able to even consider ending this relationship a few months ago. I was so codependent and unwell myself. I'm so happy that I now can.
Author cdnm Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Just wanted to add... All that being said, I do still care deeply for him. I don't think he's a bad person. For example, a few months ago, I was financially strapped for a variety of reasons -- having been out of work due to my injury and lots of expensive stuff coming due at once (insurance, tax, etc.) -- and he turned around and handed me $60 for food. It was money he didn't really have to give. It's why I even considered getting the bike back for him.
TaraMaiden Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Brad, That's a WHOLE other thread -- and something that I'm not sure I'd share on Love Shack. I just don't think that many people would understand. Suffice it to say, he's an addict. He may not drink any more -- he's actually been sober for 20 plus years -- but that doesn't mean he doesn't struggle to not slip into the same behavior patterns in other areas of his life. Things really hit rock bottom about 6 months ago. That's when I started going to a 12 step program for partners. As I've gotten healthier so has he and so has our relationship. That being said, I feel like it's now at a turning point. I kind of see the bike incident, in some strange way, as a sign that I need to make a change. I'm starting to think about ending the relationship. I'm just not sure he's doing enough to get well -- and I'm not sure even if he did -- if it would make a difference. He may never be able to give me what I need and want. I wouldn't have been able to even consider ending this relationship a few months ago. I was so codependent and unwell myself. I'm so happy that I now can. On the face of it, it seems that as things have greatly improved, he may feel his input/effort can ease back....? Maybe?
TaraMaiden Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 (edited) Just wanted to add... All that being said, I do still care deeply for him. I don't think he's a bad person. For example, a few months ago, I was financially strapped for a variety of reasons -- having been out of work due to my injury and lots of expensive stuff coming due at once (insurance, tax, etc.) -- and he turned around and handed me $60 for food. It was money he didn't really have to give. It's why I even considered getting the bike back for him. I personally don't think 'bad people' exist. There are just an awful lot of people who do bad things. Where I personally get impatient (and I'm not making this suggestion here, at all) is when the people who know they've messed up, know they need to work to remedy the mess-up, and they refuse to put in the effort, or expect others to make that effort for them. That's the kind of 'fool' I have no tolerance for. Or precious little. Like I said, "you're a better man than I am, Gunga-Din...." Only you know your limits. And if you're beginning to believe you've almost reached them, then listen to that still, small voice, and look after yourself. Edited July 27, 2013 by TaraMaiden
BradJacobs Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 All that being said, I do still care deeply for him. I don't think he's a bad person. His condition doesn't effect the quality of his character. It makes him process events and decisions differently than most.
Author cdnm Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 I think he's putting in more effort now, actually, but I'm still not sure it's enough. It may be all he can do at the moment, or it may be that he's not fully in recovery. I haven't decided. I watch actions. I set limits and boundaries. So far he's managed to do right by me. But what I've found is that the only way to keep myself healthy is to always be ready to walk. At this point, I'm not sure that's how I want to live, especially when things seem so fragile. I'm sure you've heard the phrase "once an addict, always an addict." I believe it's true -- the difference is whether they are in recovery. And to me, recovery means not just "not using," it means embracing recovery in words, thoughts, and actions across your entire life. 1
Col1 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 (edited) ADHD/ADD doesn't mean you can't concentrate or focus. In fact the exact opposite is true. According to DSM-V, ADHD is "failure to pay close attention to details, difficulty organizing tasks and activities, excessive talking, fidgeting, or an inability to remain seated in appropriate situations." Edited July 27, 2013 by Col1
TaraMaiden Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 ....to me, recovery means not just "not using," it means embracing recovery in words, thoughts, and actions across your entire life. I can equate with this. A very good friend of mine is an Alcoholic. he refuses to say he's reformed, but states that he's an alcoholic who's currently managing to not drink. He's been 'managing to not drink' for 12 years, now. He is an AA 'buddy' or mentor for new comers. he has completely turned his life around in a very positive way, so I can understand where you're coming from.
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