My parents want to disown me

[thefooloftheyear]

I have kids and as a parent I say what your parents are doing is wrong. They are being controlling by giving you an ultimatum.

 

That's no way to communicate and reach an agreement that works for everyone. Ultimatums on who not to date are so last century.

 

Love and acceptance works better.

 

Thats fine, I dont know how old your kids are, but do you really think they knew everything about the world at 21? Did YOU know everything at 21?

 

And you need to understand that how things work in the US isnt how they work in other lands...Its not our business to tell them that what they are doing is wrong..Its just a difference in customs and mores...

 

Let her go and do what she wants..but dont just force them to accept it..

 

TFY

[fortyninethousand322]

Like I stated..thats completely fine...But now they, as parents, have NO right to voice their opinion?

 

What you see as an agenda, they see as a cultural norm...And i didnt read anything about them forcing her into an arranged marriage, just that they want her to marry within their own ethnic group. Maybe I need to go back and read it again.

 

Point is, and I say it again, no one at 21 knows anything about the real world..Especially in the sheltered world we live in today..21 is virtually a child in this day and age...No one owns a house or even pays all their own bills until much later..

 

They have rights to voice their objections as much as she has a right to disobey them.....End of story..

 

TFY

 

I think if they want a good relationship with their daughter they ought not to give ultimatums involving her personal life. Especially once she's an adult.

 

For one, it's going to breed distrust and resentment. And two, it's horrible parenting. If you tell a young person "don't do this", what's the first thing you think they're going to do once they get even a tiny piece of freedom? Go do it.

 

Anyway, I understand completely it's a cultural norm. I have plenty of Muslim friends and Middle Eastern friends. The ones who are happy are the ones whose parents let them have leeway when it came to personal decisions. The ones who are miserable are the ones whose parents tried to suffocate them.

[thefooloftheyear]

I think if they want a good relationship with their daughter they ought not to give ultimatums involving her personal life. Especially once she's an adult.

 

For one, it's going to breed distrust and resentment. And two, it's horrible parenting. If you tell a young person "don't do this", what's the first thing you think they're going to do once they get even a tiny piece of freedom? Go do it.

 

Anyway, I understand completely it's a cultural norm. I have plenty of Muslim friends and Middle Eastern friends. The ones who are happy are the ones whose parents let them have leeway when it came to personal decisions. The ones who are miserable are the ones whose parents tried to suffocate them.

 

 

I dunno man...Im tired , so well have to agree to disagree...

 

All I will say is get a little older and have some kids of your own..Then talk to me, OK?

 

TFY

[M.M]

My mother was 17 when she got married and 18 when she had her first kid. She is still married to my father - 40 years later. So do you think what she did was wrong, and that she didn't know what she was doing?

 

Age is JUST a number. I obviously can't explain every relationship I've ever had and the men that I've dated. But anyone in love can say they knew they were in love. Did my mother not when she was so young?

 

I also know someone who met and started dating her now husband at the age of 14. Age is not the issue of this thread. It's the fact that my parents will never accept my boyfriend, who I don't plan on leaving. We are both very serious about each other.. He obviously is since he's sticking it out with me through this struggle. We want each other in our future and my parents just are not having it, ever.

[M.M]

It's different when a parent is voicing their opinion. As a parent, they have the right to do so. But when they found out, and got frantic they wanted to move me back to the islands, where I used to live to get me away from him. They hired a P.I to follow me and my boyfriend around and my phone was tapped. To me, that is just violating my personal space. I never felt safe anymore, or happy. And you think that makes everything they're doing okay, because they're my parents? Opinion is opinion and I can't change anyone's.

[thefooloftheyear]

My mother was 17 when she got married and 18 when she had her first kid. She is still married to my father - 40 years later. So do you think what she did was wrong, and that she didn't know what she was doing?

 

Age is JUST a number. I obviously can't explain every relationship I've ever had and the men that I've dated. But anyone in love can say they knew they were in love. Did my mother not when she was so young?

 

I also know someone who met and started dating her now husband at the age of 14. Age is not the issue of this thread. It's the fact that my parents will never accept my boyfriend, who I don't plan on leaving. We are both very serious about each other.. He obviously is since he's sticking it out with me through this struggle. We want each other in our future and my parents just are not having it, ever.

 

Look, you sound like a lovely young lady, but quite frankly no one at 21 really knows what true love is...Lasting love...compatibility on all levels.,I only wish I had the same vigilance your parents are affording you...It would have saved me a ton of heartache and aggravation later on...You might have not liked what they did, but think about what you are saying..You arent mature enough to go out and live on your own, but you are mature enough to know that this guy is the last guy on the planet that you will ever love...At 21 years old..You see how silly you start to sound.?.Age is NOT "just a number" when it comes down to experience in this area...Anyone reading your initial post could see that.

 

Now as I say this, this guy you are with could be "the one"....The reality is that he probably isnt. If I was your parents I would just let you go, but voice my concerns...Something tells me after the unicorns and rainbows subside, you might see the light and come back around..

 

Family is VERY important. In your life, so called "significant others" come and go..They are the ones that could be screwing your best friend while you are at work, or dropping on your head at the worst moment...Dont believe me? Go have a look at the Breakup or Infidelity section..Remember that a few months ago., "Mr Perfect" was nothing more than some random stranger walking down the street..It wasnt Divine Intervention or Fate that brought you together...he could have easily just been some guy that wanted to get his dick wet and you have nice tits..Im being facetious a bit, but ive been around a while and as a guy, can tell you a bit about what makes a lot of guys tick...Not to say this is what your guys intentions are, but they easliy could be...And they will make you feel pretty awesome to get what you have or maintaining it, if they are getting it already..

 

I hope this all works out for you, I sincerely do..

 

TFY

Edited July 29, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[Eggplant]

Cmon EP, What do you really know about real love -as a 21 year old??

 

How many people on this thread alone are still with the guy/girl they were "in love" with when they were 21 years old.? Il bet NONE..

 

How many that commented on this thread have kids of their own...Probably not too many..

 

TFY

Nothing -- you know nothing. And I agree that love is stupid and irrational and makes people f*** up their lives. Please help then, if you have more life experience. What should she do?

[thefooloftheyear]

Nothing -- you know nothing. And I agree that love is stupid and irrational and makes people f*** up their lives. Please help then, if you have more life experience. What should she do?

 

Frankly think long and hard about what her parents concerns are..They have lived longer and I am sure have her best interests at heart. People are so quick to call people racists for wanting their children to date within a certain ethnic or racial group..The reality is that less problems arise when you have families that are "on the same page"..It doesnt make one better than the other...Just different.

 

 

People throw away years of their lives thinking they knew what was right..I was a friggin honor student and a star athlete, but good God I made more mistakes than Id ever care to count back then..What I thought was "important" meant NOTHING as time marched on..Im sometimes amazed I am still here at this point with all of the dumb mistakes I made...Especially when it came to dating and girls.

 

If she really feels this is the right thing, then great....Go for it..But she better be sure she doesnt get knocked up in the process of figuring all of this out...

 

TFY

[Radu]

It's different when a parent is voicing their opinion. As a parent, they have the right to do so. But when they found out, and got frantic they wanted to move me back to the islands, where I used to live to get me away from him. They hired a P.I to follow me and my boyfriend around and my phone was tapped. To me, that is just violating my personal space. I never felt safe anymore, or happy. And you think that makes everything they're doing okay, because they're my parents? Opinion is opinion and I can't change anyone's.

 

What they did probably broke a couple of laws too.

 

If you can financially succeed, become independent from them.

Appease untill then.

 

Many of the posters are nit picking about weather or not this relationship will last with your bf; that is not the issue ... what is going on here is the relationship between you and your parents, which needs renegociating.

Personally, i don't think they will ever fully relent.

 

Arab immigrants tend to stick together [quite a few of them in my country too].

[fortyninethousand322]

Frankly think long and hard about what her parents concerns are..They have lived longer and I am sure have her best interests at heart. People are so quick to call people racists for wanting their children to date within a certain ethnic or racial group..The reality is that less problems arise when you have families that are "on the same page"..It doesnt make one better than the other...Just different.

 

 

People throw away years of their lives thinking they knew what was right..I was a friggin honor student and a star athlete, but good God I made more mistakes than Id ever care to count back then..What I thought was "important" meant NOTHING as time marched on..Im sometimes amazed I am still here at this point with all of the dumb mistakes I made...Especially when it came to dating and girls.

 

If she really feels this is the right thing, then great....Go for it..But she better be sure she doesnt get knocked up in the process of figuring all of this out...

 

TFY

 

I don't think it's racist, I think it's unnecessarily limiting. And it's usually based on wanting to keep an appearance than actual "family compatibility".

 

Like other people in their ethnic community will be like "oh, did you hear about so and so's daughter? She's dating a non-(fill in the blank) guy." And then there will be some more gossip, etc.

 

The OP's age and this particular boyfriend should be set aside when thinking about the overall picture. What happens when she's 25 or 30 and her parents have these same expectations? Is she supposed to follow them forever?

 

Her parents may want what's best for her, but it's likely that they don't know what's best for her.

 

If her parents cannot respect her choices, then it's pretty clear they really don't want a relationship with their daughter. Revealed preference and all of that.

[thefooloftheyear]

why do they want you to break up? because of his skin color?

 

then i would say disown them before they do it to you because they are racist and stupid.

 

and at the other hand you dont know this guy for long just like with any guy

dont build your own life on him, get to know him better before you say things like you are saying, like using the word : always etc.

 

because like any relationship yours with him can end 2.

 

and if you are really grown you can choose to leave to another city and have your life if their nose is to much in your business.

 

but do it more for you then for a guy.

 

Stupid statement...

 

Theyd have the same problem if she wanted to be with a white guy, I am sure....

 

There is nothing racist about wanting your children to date within their ethnic group..Some may say its limiting..I dunno...maybe, maybe not..But in most cases it has absolutely nothing to do with race..

 

TFY

[mammasita]

I can relate....a bit.....to your conundrum OP.

 

When I was in high school, my dad used to tell me I better bring home a white guy or an asian guy because:

**all hispanics are wife beaters and have terrible tempers

**all black guys are thugs and thiefs

 

Yes, these words have come out of my fathers mouth.

 

I dated hispanic and black men exclusively....in secret.....because who was my dad to tell ME what I could like and couldnt like? I carried on this way, never bringing anyone home or even mentioning boys to my parents until I left my home to join the military.

 

I ended up marrying and having a child with a Dominican man (he looks black)

 

How's that for rebelling?

 

Anyway.....to make a long story short. Once I was independent and my parents couldn't hold anything over my head - they accepted my choices.

 

Bottom line is until you are able to stand on your own two feet, I would refrain from standing up to them. Also, not saying that it won't last, but you are young.....I personally wouldn't give up my family for a man at your age.

[amaysngrace]

Stupid statement...

 

Theyd have the same problem if she wanted to be with a white guy, I am sure....

 

That's just as racist but I guess you're white

[M.M]

As an update... My brother told me this morning he knows I'm still dating him, because someone was still following me. He told me that I'm gonna kill my parents and that this situation is gonna get very bad for me. He also said that when he leaves in two weeks, if I'm still talking to my boyfriend that my brother will stop talking to me...

[amaysngrace]

As an update... My brother told me this morning he knows I'm still dating him, because someone was still following me. He told me that I'm gonna kill my parents and that this situation is gonna get very bad for me. He also said that when he leaves in two weeks, if I'm still talking to my boyfriend that my brother will stop talking to me...

 

I'm sorry that nobody in your family values you for you. That's a shame :/

 

All they are doing is pushing you more towards anyone who will value you and accept you for being who you are.

 

How are you holding up?

[M.M]

I'm sorry that nobody in your family values you for you. That's a shame :/

 

All they are doing is pushing you more towards anyone who will value you and accept you for being who you are.

 

How are you holding up?

 

 

 

I got very used to this so I don't cry in front of them anymore, but as soon as I'm alone it comes out. It's so hard because I love my brother so much and told him I know he wouldn't stop talking to me and he said "you don't know me." It gets harder every time but I told my brother that I don't want to leave my boyfriend... It takes so much strength for me to say it but its because I don't wanna hide. But I'm not sure where to go from here

[Eggplant]

Parents are often overprotective. They don't want their child to be hurt. What is often unacknowledged, meanwhile, in my opinion, is the price of playing it safe and not taking risks. If the OP waits until she is old and wise before she ever makes a play for love, it will be too late. Life is short.

 

I fell madly in love, and despite my parents' objections, had a relationship with a man who turned out to be a liar. At 24, I had almost no dating experience, because I had always played it safe. I am still in pain from the heartbreak. My biggest regret, however, is not that I trusted the man and fell in love, but rather that I didn't start dating younger, so that I would have had more time to learn from my mistakes and recover.

 

OP hopefully knows not to get pregnant -- they have shots you can take that serve as birth control for years. Don't overestimate your will-power. There are 7 billion people for a reason.

 

I will always take my parents views into consideration. They have had my best interests at heart always, and I know they will always support me. The OP's parents, on the other hand, threaten to disown her. How will casting her out of the whole family help her? I am suspicious that they are protecting their own sense of family honor instead of their daughter.

 

Furthermore, I haven't seen any evidence that this particular suitor is any more sketchy than any other suitor. Dating as a female comes with big risks -- men want to use women for sex, as TFOTY said. His character should be evaluated. While cultural differences should be taken into account, I don't think somebody should give up on love if they are willing to work through the differences.

 

Love is irrational and stupid, but it also part of what makes life worth living. Maybe that's just my young, idealistic naivety talking... Again, OP, I'm only a few years older than you, so what do I know? Listen to the older posters.

[amaysngrace]

I got very used to this so I don't cry in front of them anymore, but as soon as I'm alone it comes out. It's so hard because I love my brother so much and told him I know he wouldn't stop talking to me and he said "you don't know me." It gets harder every time but I told my brother that I don't want to leave my boyfriend... It takes so much strength for me to say it but its because I don't wanna hide. But I'm not sure where to go from here

 

If I were you I'd cool it with your BF for now. If he's as special as you say he is he will wait for you while you get your family situation sorted out.

 

I'm sure he doesn't like seeing you distraught.

 

Maybe you just need some time to think about what your next move is. Having him on one side and your family on the other must feel like complete chaos. Why not take a time out and figure some things out on which way you should go?

 

Your parents will back off and you'll actually have time to yourself to think things through.

 

Anyway I'm sorry that you're in this bad place right now XO

[thefooloftheyear]

I feel for the OP..I really do...

 

I guess a lot of what I say stems from the fact that I have a VERY tight family unit that is so strong we live and die for one another..When one is down, the others always pick the person up..This is not just siblings, but cousins as well..Its a VERY special thing..

 

It would be very tough to give that up for the sake of a "relationship" that could easily fizzle out in no time..Especially at that age..I cant say this for all families, but for most folks, your family is with you for life and they will be there for you forever..Significant others come and go..Love fades..People deceive...

 

TFY

[M.M]

Thank you all for trying to help.

 

My other brother gave me a call and told me that if I don't break up with my boyfriend he has no problem burying me... Calling me a "nasty bitch." With all that guilt I thought maybe if I broke up with him it'd be so much easier. But all I want to do now is leave... My brother telling me he will take me to NY, and to the beach etc so I can forget him. But we WANT to be together and I'm finding every way possible for that to happen.

 

If they love me, why would they want to bury me?

Don't you wish they really did invent some kind of invisible cloak? Would sure come in handy.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I don't think you're going to find useful advice on this forum. The cultural differences are such that most Americans are not going o be able to comprehend what's going through your family's minds.

 

If I were you I would take some time to figure out what my values are, and go from there. If your family's name and reputation means anything to you, you have your answer. If you're westernized to where you value "love", acceptance, independence... Then it's time to start looking for a job. Once you are financially independent, you won't have to take sthi from anyone. That would be my first step of action if I were you...

 

Time to stop bitchin and "woman up"....

 

Btw, I can relate. I too am from the west, and was "disowned" (it turned out temporarily) for a choice I made in my late teens. At 20 I was on my own without a job or education. I could have crawled back home but I used my anger to propel myself forward.

 

I have been independent since that point. Years later my parents could not be prouder. I didn't make the choices they wanted for me, but they respect that it worked out all the same.

[thefooloftheyear]

The bottom line is that you're all of 21 years old, and your boyfriend is 23. You're still way too young to burn bridges like you're doing for a romance that has a pretty low chance of surviving in the long run.

 

You only have one family. Boyfriends are a dime a dozen.

 

You'll have MANY boyfriends in the future before you finally marry. Chances are, this guy ain't the one.

 

So stop burning bridges.

 

well said...

[fortyninethousand322]

The bottom line is that you're all of 21 years old, and your boyfriend is 23. You're still way too young to burn bridges like you're doing for a romance that has a pretty low chance of surviving in the long run.

 

You only have one family. Boyfriends are a dime a dozen.

 

You'll have MANY boyfriends in the future before you finally marry. Chances are, this guy ain't the one.

 

So stop burning bridges.

 

It sounds like her parents want a huge say in who she's allowed to date (assuming she's allowed to date).

 

Her parents started burning the bridges first.

 

I know I wouldn't appreciate being told what to do no matter how much the people giving the orders claimed to love me and care about me.

[fortyninethousand322]

Most people from traditional cultures like hers would go along with it and not see it as their parents burning bridges first, but those people would know the kind of person their parents would like and pick accordingly. Since she picked one she knew her parents wouldn't want it comes off as youthful rebellion rather than a serious loving relationship.

 

Could be. Which is why I don't take the current boyfriend into account. That's a side issue. The real question is whether she wants to let her parents pick her boyfriend/husband for the rest of her life.

 

I mean there are people who like having their family pick their spouse. I've met people like that and they are happy and joyful people, who wouldn't have things any other way.

 

But that kind of life isn't for everyone. Which is why the OP has to decide if that's the kind of life she wants regardless of whether or not this relationship she has lasts or not.

[M.M]

Yes, this is much more than about my boyfriend. I'm 21 years old and wasn't allowed to come home last night because nobody was home and they don't trust me here alone. Also, I bought tickets for a concert which is in August and they told me I can't go because I have to pay for my mistake. Or they'd try to abuse their authority and threaten to take away my phone.. Something that happens to a 14 year old. My mother yesterday got so mad because I didn't call her as soon as I woke up and she said that I should call her an my dad as soon as I open my eyes.

 

I feel like i have no say in what I do anymore.