M.M Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I'm 21 years old and of Arab descent. My boyfriend is 23 and is black. We haven't been together very long, but we're very much in love. As crazy as it sounds, when you know you just know. My parents hired a private investigator to follow me around for two months, and when they confronted me about the relationship they threatened to disown me if I don't break up with him. My parents have said really awful things to me that I would never want to repeat, but nothing they say makes me want to leave him. I do come from a wealthy family and I have been quite dependent on them but my boyfriend says he will always be by my side to get me through anything. He says that we will always figure it out together. It has been hell for us, trying to hide it and it always backfiring, and even though he can have any woman, he still chooses to be with me, even through these tough times. I'm in a really tough spot... I don't want to lose my family but I never want to leave him either.... He's my safe haven and makes me so happy. But all I've been doing is crying lately cause of my family. I've never had such anxiety or felt such depression before. Where do I even go from here?
Col1 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I am sorry you are put into this position. It is difficult. The private investigator was not fair to you. Is there any way you can slow down making a decision? Do you need to choose your parents' decision or choose your boyfriend immediately? Are you and your boyfriend willing to give yourselves time to have this mediated with your family? In my experience, interpersonal conflict between parents and adult offspring may last months or years, but usually both sides come back together eventually. Just depends on if you're willing to sacrafice time. (Major conflicts like abuse, incest, and physical violence are understandably reasons to permanently sever all contact forever). Parents act harshly and irrationally because of fear. What are they afraid of? Talk to them (or get a mediator/counselor). Maybe they fear losing their daughter. Maybe they think your relationship is moving way too fast. Maybe they think you won't live-up to your potential in life (career, travel, accomplishments) due to an unplanned pregnancy and/or early marriage. Maybe they think he is after your family's wealth. Maybe he is perceived threat to your/their religion and culture. Find a way to make this a win-win-win situation. There is solution. Fight for it!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Well, the most 'ideal' outcome in this is your being able to confidently assess whether your boyfriend has both the dedication and the potential to really get you to a comfortable life even if your parents cut you off completely. We here can't tell whether your culture alone causes you an even greater battle than does just the mere wealth to which you have become accustomed. I mean, if you were IN the middle east, surely there would be factors at work which many of us simply could not consider when trying to assess your challenge. I will say that sometimes parents monitor your own uneasiness when trying to measure just how far you should be allowed to venture down a certain path. So once you have the option of truly making your own choice, it is as that point when you should approach your parents and speak with confidence and self-assuredness (even if you are nervous and fearful as hell). Maybe time will decide all of this for you??
Eggplant Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Has your boyfriend tried to win over your family? Maybe by assuring them he'll respect their customs, he could win their confidence. What are your parents objections exactly? Are you not supposed to date and just have an arranged marriage?
Author M.M Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 My parents don't want to give him the time of day to say anything at all... That's what hurts, they never gave him even half a chance. No, no arranged marriage but they only want me to marry an Arab.. Or anyone with the same skin color cause it "looks better" .. This to me is ridiculous. Many of my closest friends have told me that they've never seen me this happy with anyone, or have seen anyone treat me so well. I wouldn't give that up for any of the money. Cause even though they keep saying they will give me anything in the world if I give him up, none of it matters, only he does.
Eggplant Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 No, no arranged marriage but they only want me to marry an Arab.. Or anyone with the same skin color cause it "looks better" .. This to me is ridiculous.It is ridiculous. Okay, so your parents aren't reasonable. If I were you, I'd start taking steps toward independence. Are you getting an education? Can you get a job? Maybe have roommates. Then you will be your own independent person. Forget the cozy rich lifestyle of your parents. Freedom and independence is better. And don't move in with your boyfriend either. You shouldn't be forced to depend on anybody. (That is what is so cruel about your parents. They should be your safety net and support your decisions (western ideas maybe)). Once independent, You can make your own decisions in love. Then, even if the love doesn't work out, you will not be trapped.
Author M.M Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 Not reasonable at all. Yes I'm currently in school, I graduate in May and I recently interviewed for a job which Ill know if I've gotten by tomorrow or Tuesday. I have thought about getting an apartment with my roommate when she comes back to the USA.. I've always wanted to be independent.. My family didn't even want me to get a job, just so I have to need them. When I told them I wanted my own place they called me "loose" I love my family. But I'm always so much happier when I'm alone. Our community is very close and they will get talked about for a while. They told me I've brought shame upon our family, and they can't respect me anymore. The only problem I have with leaving is that if they disown me, I wouldn't be ale to stay in contact with my nieces and nephews, and they're everything to me. But I still want my own life and my own happiness. I'm so fed up with trying to please everyone and I end up miserable. I'm not even a negative person to begin with. I've always looked at the brighter side of things... But this situation completely changed how I've been feeling.
amaysngrace Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Why were you keeping your relationship hidden? That's a lot of disrespect you have for everyone involved, yourself included. It sounds like your parents are treating you like property. Just because they gave you life doesn't mean it isn't yours to live. Some parents have a hard time understanding that basic concept. If I were you I'd approach them once you've calmed down and can have a heart to heart discussion with them. You shouldn't have to change who you are and be something that you are not in order to receive their love. A parent's love should be unconditional and your happiness should be their main concern. And if they won't come around I'd say it's better for you to let this unhealthy attachment go because otherwise you will continue to live your life for their praise and approval and that is certainly no way to live. That's what is known as dysfunctional.
Author M.M Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 I kept it hidden because my parents would not have approved, like I said in my first post. I have tried many many times to talk to them... This didn't just happen, it happened 3 weeks ago but it's just getting harder. I told them how wonderful he is and how happy he makes me and they don't want to hear it. They told me that I'm just making a mistake... Told me I'm too pretty to be with someone so disgusting, without even knowing him. I'd think about what they'd say, and would think about what it'd be like to stop dating him for their sake and I would end up sobbing because I don't even want to picture not talking to him. They told me I'm selfish and my decision will eventually kill them.. They just continue to try and guilt me.
amaysngrace Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Then disobey them and keep seeing him and tell him that you both had better start looking for a place to live since it doesn't seem like you'll be allowed to live at your parents' house much longer. Then once you leave home you can know what it is to not have somebody telling you how to live. Sure you won't have nearly as much money or not nearly as nice of things around you like you have now but there are some things that just cannot be measured in monetary terms. Independence and the freedom to be yourself are two of those things that there's just not a price tag for. 2
Author M.M Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 I knew someone was going to say that lol like I said, I wouldn't give him up for all the money they could possibly offer. My whole life they've tried to buy their love with expensive gifts... But at the end of the day, we still don't get along. I truly believe money doesn't buy happiness because if it did, wouldn't I be happy? 3
Author M.M Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Are you married? When you get married, don't you love the person? And you stay together usually forever if the two don't get divorced. My family and I never had a good relationship, because who I am was never good enough. I wasn't the perfect girl they wanted me to be, and who I am isn't going to change. I'm not a bad person at all, but only because I wasn't like other Arab girls, it wasn't right. Everything I wanted to do was always "stupid" to them. Whether it was go to school (because they can just give me money - pfft), do makeup, or even how my body is. So either way, boyfriend or no boyfriend, our relationship isn't strong at all.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 At some point you're going to have to decide what kind of life you want. If you want to live how your parents think you should, or how you think you should. With or without the current boyfriend. He's a separate issue. I don't think you owe biological family anything. If they treat you well, you will return the favor. If not, well then you have to decide. I'm sure your parents mean well by trying to run your life for you. But, only you can decide if that's truly how you want to live... 2
Eggplant Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I don't think you owe biological family anything.In western cultures, the parents are indebted to the children. In eastern cultures, the children are indebted to the parents. The parents may think she does owe them...? 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 In western cultures, the parents are indebted to the children. In eastern cultures, the children are indebted to the parents. The parents may think she does owe them...? Well yeah I understand the cultural issues. But, it sounds like OP is living in the West. Listen, I love my parents, and they're great people. I'd want a relationship with them. But, they've earned that love and reverence. If you live your whole life dedicated to making your parents happy, you'll end up old and disappointed that you lived for others. 1
Eggplant Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 So your relationship is to get back at them....She's in love.
Eggplant Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 My family didn't even want me to get a job, just so I have to need them. When I told them I wanted my own place they called me "loose""Loose" as in promiscuous? Is this an issue of protecting your chaste image? If you had your own place, nobody would be watching you to make sure? In my (western) opinion, these priorities are backwards. It is unreasonable to expect a woman to sacrifice her independence. I am an independent woman who supports myself. And if I make bad decisions in love, at least they are my bad decisions, and I will face the consequences. I cannot fathom being disowned by my own family for relationship decisions. As precious as family ties are, I wonder if these parents really have her best interest at heart... Falling in love should not be dismissed easily. This man may or may not be the one for her, but it would be tragic for her to give him up because her parents don't like his skin, and spend the rest of her life regretting it. 2
amaysngrace Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I think loose here means not abiding by strict rules they've set for her to live by.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 "Loose" as in promiscuous? Is this an issue of protecting your chaste image? If you had your own place, nobody would be watching you to make sure? In my (western) opinion, these priorities are backwards. It is unreasonable to expect a woman to sacrifice her independence. I am an independent woman who supports myself. And if I make bad decisions in love, at least they are my bad decisions, and I will face the consequences. I cannot fathom being disowned by my own family for relationship decisions. As precious as family ties are, I wonder if these parents really have her best interest at heart... Falling in love should not be dismissed easily. This man may or may not be the one for her, but it would be tragic for her to give him up because her parents don't like his skin, and spend the rest of her life regretting it. In my rather limited experience (with a girl from Yemen) her parents might not even care if she has premarital sex per se, they just don't want her reputation to be ruined, so they have to at least keep appearances up.
thefooloftheyear Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 (edited) She's in love. Have you ever heard the phrase that love is blind(and sometimes stupid and irrational)...?? I get tired of people critcizing parents for wanting what THEY feel is best for their kid..Lets face it, this could be the love of a lifetime, it could also be a huge disaster..At 21 you dont know shyt about anything when it comes to life..Ask anyone who has lived for a while and they will agree. Anyone who thinks they have the worrld figured out at 21 is dreaming..Thats got to be the funniest thing I have ever seen on here.. Its simple...You are an adult..They dont want to give this their blessing, then you need to move on and make a life for yourself with your dreamboat..But dont tell me they dont have a right to voice their opinion. They do..And they dont just want to fck up your life, they believe they are right..And to be honest, they are more wise than you are just by virtue of years on this planet.. I wish you well.. TFY Edited July 29, 2013 by thefooloftheyear
thefooloftheyear Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 "Loose" as in promiscuous? Is this an issue of protecting your chaste image? If you had your own place, nobody would be watching you to make sure? In my (western) opinion, these priorities are backwards. It is unreasonable to expect a woman to sacrifice her independence. I am an independent woman who supports myself. And if I make bad decisions in love, at least they are my bad decisions, and I will face the consequences. I cannot fathom being disowned by my own family for relationship decisions. As precious as family ties are, I wonder if these parents really have her best interest at heart... Falling in love should not be dismissed easily. This man may or may not be the one for her, but it would be tragic for her to give him up because her parents don't like his skin, and spend the rest of her life regretting it. Cmon EP, What do you really know about real love -as a 21 year old?? How many people on this thread alone are still with the guy/girl they were "in love" with when they were 21 years old.? Il bet NONE.. How many that commented on this thread have kids of their own...Probably not too many.. TFY
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Cmon EP, What do you really know about real love -as a 21 year old?? How many people on this thread alone are still with the guy/girl they were "in love" with when they were 21 years old.? Il bet NONE.. How many that commented on this thread have kids of their own...Probably not too many.. TFY Well, how many of us have been pressured into an arranged marriage? Or told that there were groups of people (either race or religion or whatever) that we weren't allowed to date or marry? It's a fine line. The parents are certainly older and wiser, but they also have an agenda. They want their daughter to live a certain kind of life married to a certain kind of man. That may, or may not, be what OP wants... 1
amaysngrace Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I have kids and as a parent I say what your parents are doing is wrong. They are being controlling by giving you an ultimatum. That's no way to communicate and reach an agreement that works for everyone. Ultimatums on who not to date are so last century. Love and acceptance works better. 2
M30USA Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I'm 21 years old and of Arab descent. My boyfriend is 23 and is black. We haven't been together very long, but we're very much in love. As crazy as it sounds, when you know you just know. My parents hired a private investigator to follow me around for two months, and when they confronted me about the relationship they threatened to disown me if I don't break up with him. My parents have said really awful things to me that I would never want to repeat, but nothing they say makes me want to leave him. I do come from a wealthy family and I have been quite dependent on them but my boyfriend says he will always be by my side to get me through anything. He says that we will always figure it out together. It has been hell for us, trying to hide it and it always backfiring, and even though he can have any woman, he still chooses to be with me, even through these tough times. I'm in a really tough spot... I don't want to lose my family but I never want to leave him either.... He's my safe haven and makes me so happy. But all I've been doing is crying lately cause of my family. I've never had such anxiety or felt such depression before. Where do I even go from here? How old are you? What is the nature of this relationship? Light or serious? Is it sexual? I think if you are young, living under your parents' roof, and not married, then your parents do have the right to influence you in this way. Depending on how young you are, you may not know what is good for you and might be mixing infatuation love with wise love. But I could be wrong. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Well, how many of us have been pressured into an arranged marriage? Or told that there were groups of people (either race or religion or whatever) that we weren't allowed to date or marry? It's a fine line. The parents are certainly older and wiser, but they also have an agenda. They want their daughter to live a certain kind of life married to a certain kind of man. That may, or may not, be what OP wants... Like I stated..thats completely fine...But now they, as parents, have NO right to voice their opinion? What you see as an agenda, they see as a cultural norm...And i didnt read anything about them forcing her into an arranged marriage, just that they want her to marry within their own ethnic group. Maybe I need to go back and read it again. Point is, and I say it again, no one at 21 knows anything about the real world..Especially in the sheltered world we live in today..21 is virtually a child in this day and age...No one owns a house or even pays all their own bills until much later.. They have rights to voice their objections as much as she has a right to disobey them.....End of story.. TFY
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