Phoenix32 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Hello everybody, this seems like a place where I can tell my story and not totally get bashed for it....I hope anyway. Same old story I guess, mine has a few twists though. I am married and having an affair with a married man. I never thought I would be the kind of person to do something like this but it happened. The MOM is living and working here in my town, but he is from another state and his wife and family are still back there. He had been having marriage problems long before he came up here for work. I knew him for over a year just casually before there was even any attraction. Oh I thought he was a good looking guy but not like I would act on it since I was married. I guess I was feeling abandoned in my marriage, my H is a basically good man, but anything to do with our son is my responsibility, from getting him to sports, dropping off and picking up from daycare, and any financial responsibilities too. H has never even paid for a doctor bill for our son. I have tried to talk to him about it and he pretty much just blows me off and acts like I'm crazy. I was feeling like a single mom even though I'm married, and I guess that left me vulnerable. So a few months ago, the OM happened to mention that he was attracted to me and had been for a year. I at first told him no way because I was married, but thanked him for the compliment. A week or so later I was at an awards banquet and ran into him at the bar there. We had a few drinks and talked, and I felt so comfortable talking to him. At first the affair was just physical, and we had even discussed that we were just having fun and this wasn't going anywhere. But I noticed that he seemed to be getting more attached to me and being incredibly sweet. One evening he asked if we could meet for breakfast in the morning, and he was so excited to see me even though we just had breakfast together and then went our separate ways. A week or so after that, we were together at his place and he told me that he loved me and could tell that I felt the same way about him. I was surprised but I could kind of tell from the way he had been to me. I honestly can't see any signs that he is using me or manipulating me, he always puts me first, treats me with respect, and is careful not to do anything that could get me in trouble. He treats me and all women I've seen him interact with with respect, and I have never had that or even seen that from a man before. We communicate mostly by text message and only get together every other week or so. He has told me many times that we are friends first and the other stuff is nice but if I ever feel like I can't handle the double life he's fine with that. I do love my husband too, he basically ignores me and our son and after several abusive relationships he was exactly what I needed. So I love 2 men, and I'm not stupid enough to think that the OM will ever leave his wife and ride off into the sunset with me, but I sure am enjoying the way he treats me and I don't want to give it up. I wouldn't leave my H either, he is stable and I just couldn't go thru an ugly divorce again. Sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to tell the story since I can't talk to anybody else about it.
Lady2163 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 (edited) It sounds like your kind of happy with the way things are now. Good for you! You probably know all the drawbacks and consequences, so no lecture from me. Just remember to take care of yourself. Edited July 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Pierre Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 OP If you can live in two compartments or bubbles with no stress it may work. I am puzzled as to why you love your H if he treats you as bad as you say. Most women would have stop loving the guy. Does he have other good qualities? BTW, MM is a player. Never forget that. He is a pro and knows how to treat you. Don't fall to har. Get check for STIs. 1
Author Phoenix32 Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 (edited) It sounds like your kind of happy with the way things are now. Good for you! You probably know all the drawbacks and consequences, so no lecture from me. Just remember to take care of yourself. Thank you, Lady - I'm not sure if I'm totally happy with the way things are, but it's working for right now. I know I can handle it without getting hurt, just hope nobody else does either. Edited July 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Phoenix32 Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 OP If you can live in two compartments or bubbles with no stress it may work. I am puzzled as to why you love your H if he treats you as bad as you say. Most women would have stop loving the guy. Does he have other good qualities? BTW, MM is a player. Never forget that. He is a pro and knows how to treat you. Don't fall to har. Get check for STIs. Pierre, I love my husband because although he is not very involved, he treats me good and is not controlling or abusive. And we have a long history together, and he's the father of my son. He has a job and goes to work every day. He does have many good qualities, I am just irritated by feeling like a single mom - but all the friends I've talked to about this tell me it's normal and their men are the same way. I don't really know what is normal in a relationship, but I do know the respect I get from the OM is very new to me and also very enjoyable.
Author Phoenix32 Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Famous last words. The body count around here is fairly high with APs who believed this. I've been hurt by so many people in so many ways, I can't even cry anymore. Trust me, nothing and no one can hurt me anymore because I won't let them.
Lady2163 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I don't know if I would go as far as Learned, but I will borrow from the bard. "this above all, to thine own self be true."
whereamigoing Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Welcome Phoenix, Although I am a relatively new poster I am a longtime lurker/reader. You will get all sorts of responses here. Some well-meaning, others not so. There is a tendency for people to lump all affairs into one category. That category is generally the type of affair they had or their spouse had. But your story is your own as is mine and everyone else's here. Take the advice that works best for your life, remember to be honest with yourself, and don't forget your past shapes your present but not necessarily your future. 1
Author Phoenix32 Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Seriously... This is a big part of why you are in this situation. Hitting a low point in life makes you vulnerable to getting involved in a situation you wouldn't ordinarily have any part of. Been there. This won't make it better. The feeling of control you believe you have over your feelings and involvement in this affair will fail you. Right now, it seems like he's the only one you can be honest with, who understands you, who takes care of just YOU. This will suck you dry and leave you a shell of your former self. Sadly, you won't realize it until it's too late. I hit that low point almost 10 years ago, long before I met my husband. I simply refuse to let anybody in that close anymore. I love my husband, but honestly if he was to walk away from me today and never come back, I would shrug and say oh well and pick up the pieces and move on again. Same with my OM - I love the way he makes me feel, I don't know if I love him or not, but if he walked away I would be just fine too.
sadwithouthim Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I don't think anyone ever thinks they would do such a thing. I'm a believer in that anyone is capable of an affair. We just always like to think we're better than that. I'm in the same situation, except my marriage is horrible (but convenient), and mine is a 4 1/2 year EA (we've never met in person but I love him dearly and shared so much of myself with him). He initiated NC because he's tired of being my long distance love affair. It's a dead end. My husband started spying so our time talking was cut drastically. My husband likes to pretend he gives a &*$@ about the marriage, but only because there's someone else. It's taking literally ALL that I have in me to not contact him. My stomach hurts and I could cry a river (again). I would have already contacted him, but it's not fair to him to keep him on a hook, so I'll stay away and let him decide what's right for him. I should close my email account, but everyday I log in and wait, thinking he might change his mind. I'm so pathetic. I hate that the urge controls me every single day. How much longer can I take this? I was on another website that's geared toward marriage, and this one is much more helpful. If I didn't have this, I would have contacted him by now, and put us back at square one of these 4 1/2 years of limbo. I wish I could turn off my feelings. It's driving me crazy. You're not alone. Be careful not to get caught, as it could get ugly. My husband destroyed my belongings and flipped out in front of the kids when he found out (I actually told him).
Author Phoenix32 Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 I don't think anyone ever thinks they would do such a thing. I'm a believer in that anyone is capable of an affair. We just always like to think we're better than that. I'm in the same situation, except my marriage is horrible (but convenient), and mine is a 4 1/2 year EA (we've never met in person but I love him dearly and shared so much of myself with him). He initiated NC because he's tired of being my long distance love affair. It's a dead end. My husband started spying so our time talking was cut drastically. My husband likes to pretend he gives a &*$@ about the marriage, but only because there's someone else. It's taking literally ALL that I have in me to not contact him. My stomach hurts and I could cry a river (again). I would have already contacted him, but it's not fair to him to keep him on a hook, so I'll stay away and let him decide what's right for him. I should close my email account, but everyday I log in and wait, thinking he might change his mind. I'm so pathetic. I hate that the urge controls me every single day. How much longer can I take this? I was on another website that's geared toward marriage, and this one is much more helpful. If I didn't have this, I would have contacted him by now, and put us back at square one of these 4 1/2 years of limbo. I wish I could turn off my feelings. It's driving me crazy. You're not alone. Be careful not to get caught, as it could get ugly. My husband destroyed my belongings and flipped out in front of the kids when he found out (I actually told him). I so sorry, sad - I hope you can get past this and feel better if that is what you truly want. May I ask though why you are still with your husband if your marriage is horrible? You mentioned it was convenient, but is it worth it if you are miserable?
Lady2163 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I don't think anyone ever thinks they would do such a thing. I'm a believer in that anyone is capable of an affair. We just always like to think we're better than that. I'm in the same situation, except my marriage is horrible (but convenient), and mine is a 4 1/2 year EA (we've never met in person but I love him dearly and shared so much of myself with him). He initiated NC because he's tired of being my long distance love affair. It's a dead end. My husband started spying so our time talking was cut drastically. My husband likes to pretend he gives a &*$@ about the marriage, but only because there's someone else. It's taking literally ALL that I have in me to not contact him. My stomach hurts and I could cry a river (again). I would have already contacted him, but it's not fair to him to keep him on a hook, so I'll stay away and let him decide what's right for him. I should close my email account, but everyday I log in and wait, thinking he might change his mind. I'm so pathetic. I hate that the urge controls me every single day. How much longer can I take this? I was on another website that's geared toward marriage, and this one is much more helpful. If I didn't have this, I would have contacted him by now, and put us back at square one of these 4 1/2 years of limbo. I wish I could turn off my feelings. It's driving me crazy. You're not alone. Be careful not to get caught, as it could get ugly. My husband destroyed my belongings and flipped out in front of the kids when he found out (I actually told him). Sad, I'm sorry you're going through all this. Congratulations on making it through the another day. God, checking email is the absolute worst. I had that years ago with an ex boyfriend. It was dial up back then and I was constantly signing on. There were times I wouldn't leave the house because you never know, he might just answer. I have a personal question as well. If you had it to do over again, would you tell your husband?
sadwithouthim Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I so sorry, sad - I hope you can get past this and feel better if that is what you truly want. May I ask though why you are still with your husband if your marriage is horrible? You mentioned it was convenient, but is it worth it if you are miserable? I think it's fear, and familiarity, even if the familiarity is just emptiness and devoid of any true love.
sadwithouthim Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Sad, I'm sorry you're going through all this. Congratulations on making it through the another day. God, checking email is the absolute worst. I had that years ago with an ex boyfriend. It was dial up back then and I was constantly signing on. There were times I wouldn't leave the house because you never know, he might just answer. I have a personal question as well. If you had it to do over again, would you tell your husband? Yeah, it's making me think crazy things. I'm even thinking of excuses I could use to contact him. It's torture. Just one hit of that drug will make everything better right this minute, but then back in the same dilemma of how could we ever be together. I know in my head that letting him go is the best thing, but my heart aches to hear him one more time. I hate that we never physically touched. I'll never know what it would have been like to feel all those emotions and be intimate. I even offered to pay (he's more than 2,000 miles away), but he asked if I could go home and look my children in the eyes the next day. We decided against it because of all the risks. No way I would tell my husband if I could go back again. I would still have my Monday intimate chats with him, and there would be no nosy (unworthy) husband in my business. There would still be something for OM to hold onto. It got to where I could only talk to him at work. There were no intimate chats in more than a year before NC. Who could blame him for wanting out?
sadwithouthim Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Day 20 of NC now....it's gotta get easier, but it can't happen soon enough. I'm going through every post on his twitter account right now. All this time that he just wanted a crumb of my time, now I'd give anything just to have a crumb of his. It's too late. One of the last things he said to me was "it's too late for coulda shoulda woulda now".
sadwithouthim Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I worry how he's coping, I know he's feeling this as hard as I am.
sadwithouthim Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I wonder why I have this message on my email screen (I signed in invisible). Oops! You are not invisible because you're logged into Google Talk from another client, device, or location that doesn't support invisibility. I wonder if he's logged into my email. We have each other's passwords. I don't think I can forget him without erasing everything and making it impossible to stalk his every move. I just can't help it.
sadwithouthim Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Sorry to take over your post Phoenix. This should show though how quickly it happens. I didn't realize I was falling in love with him until it was too late. I used to say NSA to him, and before I realized it, I was in too deep.
Pierre Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 (edited) Pierre, I love my husband because although he is not very involved, he treats me good and is not controlling or abusive. And we have a long history together, and he's the father of my son. He has a job and goes to work every day. He does have many good qualities, I am just irritated by feeling like a single mom - but all the friends I've talked to about this tell me it's normal and their men are the same way. I don't really know what is normal in a relationship, but I do know the respect I get from the OM is very new to me and also very enjoyable. You are a normal MOW that exaggerates the bad qualities of your H to give yourself permission to have an affair. Welcome to the club of MOW cake eaters:laugh:. The truth is that you like the external validation you get from the OM. He pays attention and you loved to be desired. The other truth is that your H is probably a man of much greater integrity than your OM. IF you had a daughter you would want her to mary aman like your H, not a cheater like OM. However, your OM provides external validation and makes you happy. Your H cannot make you happy all the time so you now have two men making you happy. Why are you unable to be happy on your own? Actually, I think you are not happy yet. Edited July 27, 2013 by Pierre 1
ComingInHot Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Phoenix, Welcome. I hope you find what you're looking for here* And that may be to just share your stitch where as you may not be able to in your daily life w/those you have contact with. Discard the some of the "angst" you may read BUT ingest the information that lies within. There are times when "tough love" is given here & while you may not "like" it nor want to hear it, there is truth in much of it. Question, you wrote that you don't get close to people and you'd be "alright" of people in your life walked away, does this hold true for your son as well? Do you care how any of this may impact him? Have you thought of any of this at some level? Okay, that was more than one question.*
Author Phoenix32 Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 You are a normal MOW that exaggerates the bad qualities of your H to give yourself permission to have an affair. Welcome to the club of MOW cake eaters:laugh:. The truth is that you like the external validation you get from the OM. He pays attention and you loved to be desired. The other truth is that your H is probably a man of much greater integrity than your OM. IF you had a daughter you would want her to mary aman like your H, not a cheater like OM. However, your OM provides external validation and makes you happy. Your H cannot make you happy all the time so you now have two men making you happy. Why are you unable to be happy on your own? Actually, I think you are not happy yet. Honestly, long before I met the OM I regretted getting married, partly because I felt like a single mom most of the time, and partly because I would just rather be alone. And I have been single and alone before and did not mind it at all. I don't need a man to be happy. So I'm not quite sure why I'm doing what I'm doing.
Author Phoenix32 Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Phoenix, Welcome. I hope you find what you're looking for here* And that may be to just share your stitch where as you may not be able to in your daily life w/those you have contact with. Discard the some of the "angst" you may read BUT ingest the information that lies within. There are times when "tough love" is given here & while you may not "like" it nor want to hear it, there is truth in much of it. Question, you wrote that you don't get close to people and you'd be "alright" of people in your life walked away, does this hold true for your son as well? Do you care how any of this may impact him? Have you thought of any of this at some level? Okay, that was more than one question.* No this does not include my son, I would do anything to make him happy and keep him safe. I was referring to men in my life. And yes I have thought about all the possible effects the whole situation could have on him, and I have no idea what would be the best thing for him. Right now he has an emotionally unavailable father, and is growing up thinking that boys don't have to do anything and girls do all the work (he's told me that already). But yet I want him to have a father in his life. I've thought about what would happen if I got caught, and I'm really not sure, I just will be very careful and if it seems to risky I will have to end it.
Author Phoenix32 Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 The other truth is that your H is probably a man of much greater integrity than your OM. IF you had a daughter you would want her to mary aman like your H, not a cheater like OM. Actually I do have a grown daughter who was 16 when I married my H, and she moved out as soon as she turned 18 because she couldn't stand the way he treated her. I can't blame her because he was horrible to her, and I wish I had stood up for her more back then, but I wanted my little boy to have his father around. Honestly, I would rather have my daughter be with a man like my OM who would treat her with respect than with one like my H who regarded her as an annoyance who couldn't do anything right.
Pierre Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Actually I do have a grown daughter who was 16 when I married my H, and she moved out as soon as she turned 18 because she couldn't stand the way he treated her. I can't blame her because he was horrible to her, and I wish I had stood up for her more back then, but I wanted my little boy to have his father around. Honestly, I would rather have my daughter be with a man like my OM who would treat her with respect than with one like my H who regarded her as an annoyance who couldn't do anything right. Even if your daughter was cheated on by someone like OM. Ok! Btw, a guy like OM would have been real nice to your daughter. I am certain of that.
Author Phoenix32 Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Even if your daughter was cheated on by someone like OM. Ok! Btw, a guy like OM would have been real nice to your daughter. I am certain of that. If he was loyal to her and took good care of her and their children for 27 years like the OM has with his W, yes I would be happy. And if he ended up getting a little on the side while he was working in another state for a few years, oh well. Sorry if my philosophy on this doesn't match yours.
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