Spotme Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 I know this sounds like I'm spinning off a thread in the OW/OM forum but I swear I was thinking about this before that was posted - just had to finish a big work project before I could play around on LS. How do other BS feel about their spouse's wedding ring post-affair, if the WS wears one? I had an unexpected meltdown one day a few months ago when I realized H had to have been wearing his at least some of the time when he was with OW. We had an intense discussion about it. In the end I told him that it didn't mean anything to me anymore and he told me that it still meant a lot to him and that he still wanted to wear it unless it would upset me to see it. I told him he could keep it on since it has meaning to him. When I see it now, I just either think how nice it looks on his hand, because he has nice hands and the ring makes a nice aesthetic, or it reminds me in a nostalgic way of our old, pre-affair marriage. I don't really connect it to our current relationship and commitment to each other. How have you dealt with rings or other marriage-related items that may be "tainted" if you are reconciling?
Furious Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 I know this sounds like I'm spinning off a thread in the OW/OM forum but I swear I was thinking about this before that was posted - just had to finish a big work project before I could play around on LS. How do other BS feel about their spouse's wedding ring post-affair, if the WS wears one? I had an unexpected meltdown one day a few months ago when I realized H had to have been wearing his at least some of the time when he was with OW. We had an intense discussion about it. In the end I told him that it didn't mean anything to me anymore and he told me that it still meant a lot to him and that he still wanted to wear it unless it would upset me to see it. I told him he could keep it on since it has meaning to him. When I see it now, I just either think how nice it looks on his hand, because he has nice hands and the ring makes a nice aesthetic, or it reminds me in a nostalgic way of our old, pre-affair marriage. I don't really connect it to our current relationship and commitment to each other. How have you dealt with rings or other marriage-related items that may be "tainted" if you are reconciling? On my d-day I sent my husband packing. I was determined to divorce him and within a week I had consulted a lawyer and had all my ducks in order. As much as I was moving forward I was still raw and only my closest family members and closest friends knew my situation. I had taken my wedding ring off but colleagues and causal friends noticed I wasn't wearing it and I realized I needed my privacy and was not ready to advertise my personal business. The thought of putting that ring on again made me nauseous so I purchased an identical ring and had it engraved on the underside with the letters "WTF". Wearing my WTF ring empowered me in a strange way. It allowed me to keep my privacy but also gave me me a chuckle and kept me strong. To make a long story short my husband and I are nearly two years reconciled. He and I exchanged new wedding bands but he also surprised me with my name and our children's names tattooed in tiny letters around his ring finger. I say whatever works for you that helps you heal and move forward. 2
Author Spotme Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 That is completely awesome and completely unexpected! Where is the WTF ring today?
Furious Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 That is completely awesome and completely unexpected! Where is the WTF ring today? I still have it. It's very special to me, I wear it on a chain.
AbeNormal Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 (edited) Neither my wife or I wear them now - we don't need to - - I presume. But when she confessed, about 22 months ago, I went into a panic/rage. I couldn't get my ring off - I'm older now and my fingers have "grown" (I'm guessing my hands are not as attractive as the OP's husband's hands - oh well). In a tear-filled blurry eyed rage, I tried my best to get that ring off. When I couldn't do it, I took a hacksaw and had at it. Unfortunately (being a bit blinded by those tears) I cut into my finger. I now have a permanent and special "wedding ring". I guess if someone were to ask, I would just say that I was trying to groove with the southern boys and went catfish noodling - and a "big one" got ahold of my finger... I like the WTF ring idea much better... Edited July 26, 2013 by AbeNormal 3
2sure Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Ah. The ring thing. I have an old thread on the subject myself here , years ago. My X took his ring off during his encounters. I could never figure out how he fooled anyone, since he had a permanent ring indentation as well as a tan line. Anyway, I flushed his down the toilet. Meanwhile, he kept asking for it back and wanting me to wear mine. I wouldn't budge because we were well on our way to divorce. So, he bought another to wear for show. Took it off when we were married to pretend he was single , put one on while divorcing to pretend we were married. Screwy Rabbit. I'm not even going to tell you what I did with mine. 3
AbeNormal Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 (edited) Ah. The ring thing. I have an old thread on the subject myself here , years ago. My X took his ring off during his encounters. I could never figure out how he fooled anyone, since he had a permanent ring indentation as well as a tan line. Anyway, I flushed his down the toilet. Meanwhile, he kept asking for it back and wanting me to wear mine. I wouldn't budge because we were well on our way to divorce. So, he bought another to wear for show. Took it off when we were married to pretend he was single , put one on while divorcing to pretend we were married. Screwy Rabbit. I'm not even going to tell you what I did with mine. Sorry to hear that your XH was such a tool (idiot, imbecile, dumb ass, undeserving of you, etc.) Too bad you didn't have a super-high-flush toilet that you could have just thrown him in there instead of the ring... Edited July 27, 2013 by AbeNormal 1
compulsivedancer Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 H was upset because I never took my ring off during my A, and in fact told AP that I would NEVER take it off because I was married and I didn't want him to forget it. While H was trying to decide whether to reconcile after DDay, he asked for it back and I refused to give it to him. Right now he says he doesn't feel married. He's still in a relationship with me, but, he says, our first marriage is over. When he's ready for our second marriage, we've agreed to exchange new rings.
Zenstudent Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I took my ring off the day after D-day, haven't worn it since, that's 27 months ago. I've tried to put it on a few times, even in a chain, but it just doesn't feel right, so I took it off again. My wife is sad about this and ask from time to time that I wear it again. The last time she did, she claimed that if I'm serious about rebuilding, I need to wear it again. I'm not buying that, if it doesn't feel right, it's just the way it is, and I'm not going to force myself to wear it. I'll probably put it on some day when I feel comfortable enough about her sincerity and desire to be with me long term. The ring and the promises actually meant something to me back then. I really love the idea about the WTF-ring, maybe I'll think of a version for myself.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I wear my ring most of the time. I frequently go for days without it. It doesn't have that "special" aura to it anymore. I also erased the inscriptions on the inside. Since D-Day I had my wife removed every wedding picture that we had hanging; there were many. That was our "first" marriage, and it died a long time ago.
Steadfast Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 It was profoundly painful when my ex removed her ring. In addition, her 'freedom' vibe was so strong it could be felt in the room. As I've written before, I thought we were building a life. She saw it as building a prison. I removed my ring some weeks after she moved out. I had a small clock on my desk mounted on a swiveling axle and I hung it on the peak. Sometime later I noticed it missing and when I asked if she took it, she responded "That isn't anything you need to worry about." I still consider it odd. I never saw it again.
Lostinlife4now Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Ya know it's funny, I just remembered a story about xMM wedding band. He always wore it when we were together, I didn't really think about it too much because if he could do what he was doing in the affair, what's in a ring? BUT...one night many years ago, my girlfriend and I met xmm for drinks and the first thing she said to him when she met him was: WTF are you doing with your wedding band on? Are you outta your mind? And I just stood there SHOCKED.....I was so taken aback how she went at him. And he happily took it off. But he is where he wants to be...with his wife. And for that I am happy!!!!!
Author Spotme Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Neither my wife or I wear them now - we don't need to - - I presume. But when she confessed, about 22 months ago, I went into a panic/rage. I couldn't get my ring off - I'm older now and my fingers have "grown" (I'm guessing my hands are not as attractive as the OP's husband's hands - oh well). In a tear-filled blurry eyed rage, I tried my best to get that ring off. When I couldn't do it, I took a hacksaw and had at it. Unfortunately (being a bit blinded by those tears) I cut into my finger. I now have a permanent and special "wedding ring". I guess if someone were to ask, I would just say that I was trying to groove with the southern boys and went catfish noodling - and a "big one" got ahold of my finger... I like the WTF ring idea much better... I'm so sorry. That's such a graphic image of the pain of DDay. It took me right back.
Author Spotme Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Ah. The ring thing. I have an old thread on the subject myself here , years ago. My X took his ring off during his encounters. I could never figure out how he fooled anyone, since he had a permanent ring indentation as well as a tan line. Anyway, I flushed his down the toilet. Meanwhile, he kept asking for it back and wanting me to wear mine. I wouldn't budge because we were well on our way to divorce. So, he bought another to wear for show. Took it off when we were married to pretend he was single , put one on while divorcing to pretend we were married. Screwy Rabbit. I'm not even going to tell you what I did with mine. I so want to know now. I've read enough of your posts that I'm sure it was good. I hadn't given much thought to my rings since I never wear them anyway (left handed and can't stand the feel of stuff on my "good" hand).
Author Spotme Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 To make a long story short my husband and I are nearly two years reconciled. He and I exchanged new wedding bands but he also surprised me with my name and our children's names tattooed in tiny letters around his ring finger. I say whatever works for you that helps you heal and move forward. When did you feel ready to exchange new rings? That's something H and I have discussed, but I'm not ready for that (almost 10 months post DDay).
Author Spotme Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 H was upset because I never took my ring off during my A, and in fact told AP that I would NEVER take it off because I was married and I didn't want him to forget it. While H was trying to decide whether to reconcile after DDay, he asked for it back and I refused to give it to him. Right now he says he doesn't feel married. He's still in a relationship with me, but, he says, our first marriage is over. When he's ready for our second marriage, we've agreed to exchange new rings. How do you feel about your ring? What meaning, if any, does it have to you?
NordicStripes Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I took my engagement ring off, and gave it to my sister so she could get rid of it. I have never seen it again. We are now reconciled, but I would never have wanted to see that ring again. It meant so much to me, and nothing to him... 2
Confused48 Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Neither my wife or I wear them now - we don't need to - - I presume. But when she confessed, about 22 months ago, I went into a panic/rage. I couldn't get my ring off - I'm older now and my fingers have "grown" (I'm guessing my hands are not as attractive as the OP's husband's hands - oh well). In a tear-filled blurry eyed rage, I tried my best to get that ring off. When I couldn't do it, I took a hacksaw and had at it. Unfortunately (being a bit blinded by those tears) I cut into my finger. I now have a permanent and special "wedding ring". I guess if someone were to ask, I would just say that I was trying to groove with the southern boys and went catfish noodling - and a "big one" got ahold of my finger... I like the WTF ring idea much better... Oh wow. And I though burning a couch was impressive. (Still do). But this is a great story. Thanks for sharing.
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