Talking To a Shy Girl

[Skyraider829]

I think the problem here is that both of you are shy so it comes down to something like this. One of you are going to have to take the plunge and go from "Hi, hello, how are ya, how about this day and just ask her if she would like to go out to lunch with you and talk? She's either going to say yes, no, or when. If she says yes, make plans for lunch and take her to a place where she feels comfortable and you can find out more about her and she, about you, rather than talking with a bunch of dogs on the side walk. If there's a connection, well then make plans for another day. Ask for her number and give her a call. Times a wasting friend. You just might find your first girlfriend and if she's everything that your telling us that she is, don't wait too long or she might be gone. Balls in your corner friend. Good luck.

 

Wow - you certainly sunk a hole in one with that statement. You're right on the money with what you said about both of us (mainly me) being to shy to openly express my thoughts to her. And you are totally correct too; if I don't then well, I'm taking *that other chance*. See, she appears to me as the kind that I really want to know first, before some date. Something just seems awkward about asking her out, with only so many meetings. I feel as if I could offend her or scare her off by directly asking her in that fashion. She strikes me as the kind that you need to know first, get decently acquainted with - then go in for a date proposal. This is what's it like to me, to others it might be different obviously.

 

What I'm going to do next time I see her is ask if she'd like some company on her walk. Or maybe see if she'd like to take an evening stroll sometime (in the evening since the sun is pretty intense in the afternoon hours) around here. If she accepts, I can see if she has an FB account....

 

The only hurdle to overcome is me being able to get comfortable near her. Since I do deeply enjoy her company and our little chit-chats, I always heat up and get nervous when I am talking to Sarah. Even though I am very composed and can speak with her rather easily, I just do not want to screw something up and that is the source of my tension.

 

Thank you very much for the encouraging words - that gave me a strong boost. Its much appreciated.

[Skyraider829]

About my source of tension, a little more on that:

 

See, I just want her to see me in the best possible way because I really am a genuine, good person with a big heart and broad mind (I am NOT bragging) as I've been told many times. I tend to be hard on myself about this. And, I don' know if that's a good or not-so-good thing.

[Nick D1980]

I wish I was in your shoes right now. But then again if I was 21, I would of

been that shy guy again (still getting out of that) and beating around the bush.

Stop beating around the bush and just ask her before it's too late.

 

I'm rooting for you.

[Skyraider829]

I wish I was in your shoes right now. But then again if I was 21, I would of

been that shy guy again (still getting out of that) and beating around the bush.

Stop beating around the bush and just ask her before it's too late.

 

I'm rooting for you.

 

Hi Nick, hope all is going positively for you.

 

Man, a more aggressive "just go out and get it" part of me really wants to.

But hey, I am going to. I am hoping to ask her out on a walk, to see if she would like some company and ask then. I think its a wise choice. I haven't seen her in a few days so when this comes up I'll notify you.

 

I have got a very confident and upfront side to me with many things, but this girl hits me in a tender spot.

Edited August 1, 2013 by Skyraider829

[Skyraider829]

Well, I encountered Sarah a few days ago and initiated a quick talk with her. She had been gone for around a week so I asked her what she was up to. She said she was up in Kentucky and we talked about her upcoming school, she told me she was really excited about it all and when she's leaving - which is on the nineteenth.

 

After some quick thought I told her if she ever wanted to talk medicine, to let me know to which she happily replied "okay". We said bye and that was it.

She seemed to be smiling an awful lot whilst we talked and I really am not sure why. I am guessing its just because she's being polite.

 

Since then she hasn't been around here like usual. I think I effed something up. Part of me thinks I intimidated her in some sort of way. Yet another part of me says no because I never did anything non-cordial at all, I always approached in a friendly fashion - never invaded personal space or anything that would be considered rude or negative.

 

I thought about writing her a note, kind of a quizzical one asking her anatomical questions, thinking it may be a fresh form of contact instead encountering her everytime she comes down the street (I know, its pathetic) to talk. But I'm weary about going up to her door and dropping off a note. Part of me thinks it won't be recieved well. Then, I read things about how sending a letter or note to a girl is "creepy" or "weird" or even "stalkerish" which completely turns me away from the idea of doing such a thing. I'm on the fence about what to do...

 

She's leaving in a week and here I am not doing squat about it. All I'd like to is go out for evening stroll with her and have a pleasant talk. However I'm tempted to think she'll just blow me off and think I'm a weirdo. Perhaps I should just let this slip. But I know if I don't do something, I'll be wondering "what if" about it. I could try again when she's on winter break I guess. I think waiting that long will be unwise though.

 

Like I stated, I'm debating about it.

[white]

You know what you should've done, don't even need to say it.

 

Don't **** around with notes. And stop using the medical thing as a crutch. Do you not have her number? How did you let that happen. You have a door you can knock on though. Sack up. Go and knock on the door. Ask for her (is this a parents dealio? I lost track). Ask her if she wants to go for a coffee. The very next words out of her mouth will tell you what you need to know good or bad. If for some reason they don't, such as "I'd like to but I'm doing heart surgery right now look at all this blood" then ask for her number. Do this before she goes away. You don't have any choice now.

 

PS a variation on this is how I got with my last girlfriend who I loved very much, and it was her knocking on my door.

[Skyraider829]

You know what you should've done, don't even need to say it.

 

Don't **** around with notes. And stop using the medical thing as a crutch. Do you not have her number? How did you let that happen. You have a door you can knock on though. Sack up. Go and knock on the door. Ask for her (is this a parents dealio? I lost track). Ask her if she wants to go for a coffee. The very next words out of her mouth will tell you what you need to know good or bad. If for some reason they don't, such as "I'd like to but I'm doing heart surgery right now look at all this blood" then ask for her number. Do this before she goes away. You don't have any choice now.

 

PS a variation on this is how I got with my last girlfriend who I loved very much, and it was her knocking on my door.

 

True. I do know what I should've done. Hindsight is 20/20.

Is it about her parents? Her parents don't even know me. I haven't met them. The thing is, I am uncertain about asking her - especially at her house since we do not kbow each other that well. My perception is that if I do, without establishing more common ground - she will flat-out turn me down because of insufficient interaction. Basically, not enough rapport.

 

Maybe she won't. Like you say, it is either going to be yes or no most likely. I do need to quit pussyfooting around - its stupid. Its just that when I began to talk with her, I realized how much I really like her and only want to come across in the closest to perfect manner. I feel like I did not achieve that.

 

Overall - I like your advice. I like the directness in your answer, its given me a jolt about this circumstance.

 

So your last GF knocked on your door? May I ask how that played out?

Edited August 13, 2013 by Skyraider829

[Lansing]

I didn't read your whole thread but you write in a way that is a bit over the top (ie your choice of vocabulary) and if you talk like that you could come across as stuck up.

[white]

So your last GF knocked on your door? May I ask how that played out?

 

She was my direct neighbour, in an apartment block, we shared a landing on our floor, doors 6 feet apart facing - later on we would literally just shout through our letterboxes or out the window to see what was up. We'd met and spoken a few times coming and going. She was very forward, so after I'd been moved in about a month she just knocked and asked if I wanted to come over for a coffee. So I did. And after a while she just up and said she was single, asked if I was, and asked if I was interested in seeing her. Simple as that. At first I was taken aback because I was a giant pussy. Then I was taken aback because I knew she was seeing other guys, easy when you can see and hear everyone that calls, but she said they weren't important (they disappeared fast). So I overcame my objections because her directness had impressed me and she was so different, I kissed her and set a date and off we went. It was awkward at first because we both knew exactly when the other was home, it felt really weird coming home and not going right to your girlfriend/boyfriend 6 feet away who knew you just returned, no secrets, no lies, and the whole point of dating seemed dumb because we're right there and who can be assed dressing for dinner when you can go eat noodles with her in your sweatpants in 10 seconds? And there was a whole bunch of issues like that surrounding boundaries, privacy, free time etc. Took months to figure it out. But I was with her 2 years and it was serious.

[Skyraider829]

I didn't read your whole thread but you write in a way that is a bit over the top (ie your choice of vocabulary) and if you talk like that you could come across as stuck up.

 

Um, no I'm not stuck up at all. I'm a very polite individual actually - just because I may have a broader vocabulary doesn't imply that I'm stuck up.

[radiodarcy]

Um, no I'm not stuck up at all. I'm a very polite individual actually - just because I may have a broader vocabulary doesn't imply that I'm stuck up.

 

Oh dear - - I've been told this as well. It's not really a matter of being stuck up, I like words and I read a lot so I pick up on all kinds of interesting different ways to say things

 

As a shy girl myself I'm also observant and it sounds like this young lady is as well. No doubt she has picked up on your intent to get to know her better - - which it sounds like you've already started to do.

 

So I think you would be fine taking the next step and asking her out for a causal date like a cup of coffee. Good luck!

[Skyraider829]

Oh dear - - I've been told this as well. It's not really a matter of being stuck up, I like words and I read a lot so I pick up on all kinds of interesting different ways to say things

 

As a shy girl myself I'm also observant and it sounds like this young lady is as well. No doubt she has picked up on your intent to get to know her better - - which it sounds like you've already started to do.

 

So I think you would be fine taking the next step and asking her out for a causal date like a cup of coffee. Good luck!

 

LOL, yeah I can't really understand how people relate "big words", different phraseologies and large vocabulary to being stuck-up or posh. I've met plenty of down to earth folks with high linguistic skills. Oh well...

 

She certainly strikes me as an observant person. I can tell she's the kind who is focused and down to earth, not all caught up in melodrama and the like as some are. That is one trait that drew me to her from the get-go.

 

I suppose I've gotten to know her a bit better - not by much though. Our conversations are brief but nice, and that's all. I don't think she minds me talking with her, its not like she doesn't respond to me when I approach her because she does and she's always in a happy mood. Sometimes when she's walking along, and I initiate a chat, she stops and talks. It doesn't seem like I'm bothering her. But I'm cautious with that assumption. I'm sure if I were, she would've stopped responding after a couple of encounters.

 

Its just that with the last "meeting" we had (call it what you will) we spoke for a short while, and since then she hasn't been around. It confuses me and it is causing me to think I screwed up with her, that I said something that either bugged her or whatever. As you probably already read, I told her if she'd like to talk medicine to let me know and she happily replied "okay". Now unless when I suggested that we actually talk about something besides our quick chats, that intimidated her or caused disinterest and caused her to stop coming around. But wouldn't it be logical to assume that if she did, she would've just told me?

I presume she would have. I say this because when we talk, I typically kick the conversation off, but when we are discussing whatever topic, she replies in full sentences, laughs, asks questions occasionally and carries along overall. I'm confounded at the time.

 

No case is general, I get that. But since you are shy - what's your take on it, with the information I've given? Thanks for responding.

[RogerWallace111]

You know what you should've done, don't even need to say it.

 

Don't **** around with notes. And stop using the medical thing as a crutch. Do you not have her number? How did you let that happen. You have a door you can knock on though. Sack up. Go and knock on the door. Ask for her (is this a parents dealio? I lost track). Ask her if she wants to go for a coffee. The very next words out of her mouth will tell you what you need to know good or bad. If for some reason they don't, such as "I'd like to but I'm doing heart surgery right now look at all this blood" then ask for her number. Do this before she goes away. You don't have any choice now.

 

:laugh: aaaah man.

 

Anyway, yeah, it may be falling on deaf ears, but KNOCK ON HER DOOR. If that's what it takes. Those of the more gentlemanly kind, like you, and myself to some extent, have a tendency to place too much importance "building rapport", etc. If a girl likes a guy's vibe she will potentially accept an invitation to dinner after virtually zero conversation.

 

And, to point out the obvious, you have NOTHING to lose. Do it man. I know it sounds like a super intimidating task but it's no biggie at all. And honestly erring on the side of coming on too strong is always better than the opposite.

[Nick D1980]

Hey man. Just ask her out for coffee. There is no pressure for coffee dates.

 

I'm in a funk right now too. I'm back at square one and I met this girl yesterday

okay not really met her but started to talk to this one a bit longer after not seeing

her for a month (I compliemented her the first time I got a chance to make a comment)

but since I'm not working right now I feel like she will judge me with the job title thing. We're both in our 30's I think.

 

I would knock on her door and if her parents answers the door:

you: "Is Sarah here?..."

parents: "yes"

Sarah: Hi (what ever your name is in real life)

you: Hi Sarah, I was wondering if you want to get coffee now?"

Sarah would respond. Shouldn't be that bad. At least she is in your neighborhood.

[Skyraider829]

:laugh: aaaah man.

 

Anyway, yeah, it may be falling on deaf ears, but KNOCK ON HER DOOR. If that's what it takes. Those of the more gentlemanly kind, like you, and myself to some extent, have a tendency to place too much importance "building rapport", etc. If a girl likes a guy's vibe she will potentially accept an invitation to dinner after virtually zero conversation.

 

And, to point out the obvious, you have NOTHING to lose. Do it man. I know it sounds like a super intimidating task but it's no biggie at all. And honestly erring on the side of coming on too strong is always better than the opposite.

 

Its frustrating because objectively, it is NO BIGGIE. But to me its like the sort of apprehension you'd have before base-jumping. It seems like it - just as you point out so clearly. Ugh, what to do...

[Skyraider829]

Hey man. Just ask her out for coffee. There is no pressure for coffee dates.

 

Its good to hear from you again, sorry to hear about the funk you're in. Yeah, a coffee date is nothing at all really. Its just me and my stupid problem, LOL. I hate being hung up on this stuff.

 

I'm in a funk right now too. I'm back at square one and I met this girl yesterday

okay not really met her but started to talk to this one a bit longer after not seeing

her for a month (I compliemented her the first time I got a chance to make a comment)

but since I'm not working right now I feel like she will judge me with the job title thing. We're both in our 30's I think

 

Hmmm, yeah I can see how that is challenging. She's working, you're not. You probably expected to see her again with a job. Sorry to hear that. Do you two click at all? If she's a good gal she won't judge you because of a temporary setback. Setbacks happens to everyone.

 

You know, if I knew her parents were out - I would give this a shot. Its strange (to me) that if a person your daughter has only spoken with here and there comes around and asks for her at your house, would that not seem somewhat rude? Maybe I'm projecting my own reactions onto others. Being considerate of others is important, but perhaps I'm being too considerate, to the point of not taking advantages of potential oppurtunities?

 

I just thought of that. Could be.

 

My name is Mark by the way.

[ITw]

Its frustrating because objectively, it is NO BIGGIE. But to me its like the sort of apprehension you'd have before base-jumping. It seems like it - just as you point out so clearly. Ugh, what to do...

 

What to do? Ask her out . It probably feels like the hardest thing in the world right now. Think of all the pressure you'll take off once you actually do it.

[Nick D1980]

Its good to hear from you again, sorry to hear about the funk you're in. Yeah, a coffee date is nothing at all really. Its just me and my stupid problem, LOL. I hate being hung up on this stuff.

 

 

 

Hmmm, yeah I can see how that is challenging. She's working, you're not. You probably expected to see her again with a job. Sorry to hear that. Do you two click at all? If she's a good gal she won't judge you because of a temporary setback. Setbacks happens to everyone.

 

You know, if I knew her parents were out - I would give this a shot. Its strange (to me) that if a person your daughter has only spoken with here and there comes around and asks for her at your house, would that not seem somewhat rude? Maybe I'm projecting my own reactions onto others. Being considerate of others is important, but perhaps I'm being too considerate, to the point of not taking advantages of potential oppurtunities?

 

I just thought of that. Could be.

 

My name is Mark by the way.

In my financial situation, I don't mooch but I have money saved though.

I've also worked on my parent's/grandparent's apartment doing the crappy jobs and getting under the table pay. I look at jobs but haven't really sent out my resume (only to one place).

 

She's a singer. So she was saying that she just finished recording and she

was showing some pictures of her sister to me and my mutal friend. So I don't know if she works. She doesn't know that I don't work too. Everytime I see her is at the gym and it is in the mornings, so I know she doesn't have a regular 9-6 job.

 

From what my friend said, she wants a boyfriend and like I mention she

is a singer. Sang the national athem at a Dodger game. I asked her what

she sings yesterday and she said mostly folk. I didn't mention what I listen

to which is mostly alternative, 90's, and etc.

 

Anyways,

Don't focus on the medical stuff. Just ask her how her day is.

If she doesn't see you as the bf type or she keeps shying away, move on.

You just got to do it. Plenty of girls in the sea. I miss school, that is where

they are at. If you're frustrated with this one, move on. F this girl if she doesn't give you the time of day. You deserve a girl that can and will open up to you right away. I know how you feel, it is like talking to a wall.

 

I just happened to be gazing at this one for a while (way before

the last encounter with the receptionist girl) and this one is near my age. So my friend introduced me to her in a way. Have your friend(s) introduce you to some.

[Skyraider829]

In my financial situation, I don't mooch but I have money saved though.

I've also worked on my parent's/grandparent's apartment doing the crappy jobs and getting under the table pay. I look at jobs but haven't really sent out my resume (only to one place).

 

She's a singer. So she was saying that she just finished recording and she

was showing some pictures of her sister to me and my mutal friend. So I don't know if she works. She doesn't know that I don't work too. Everytime I see her is at the gym and it is in the mornings, so I know she doesn't have a regular 9-6 job.

 

From what my friend said, she wants a boyfriend and like I mention she

is a singer. Sang the national athem at a Dodger game. I asked her what

she sings yesterday and she said mostly folk. I didn't mention what I listen

to which is mostly alternative, 90's, and etc.

 

Anyways,

Don't focus on the medical stuff. Just ask her how her day is.

If she doesn't see you as the bf type or she keeps shying away, move on.

You just got to do it. Plenty of girls in the sea. I miss school, that is where

they are at. If you're frustrated with this one, move on. F this girl if she doesn't give you the time of day. You deserve a girl that can and will open up to you right away. I know how you feel, it is like talking to a wall.

 

I just happened to be gazing at this one for a while (way before

the last encounter with the receptionist girl) and this one is near my age. So my friend introduced me to her in a way. Have your friend(s) introduce you to some.

 

She sang at a Dodger's game? Holy cow, I'm impressed.

 

Man, all I can say is if I see her come down the street or hanging out in in front of her house, I will ask her straight up if she wants to head out and do something - whatever it is. There are two battling assumptions going through my head: I'm misinterpreting her in a positive way - I think she likes me when she really does not, but is being cordial.

 

Or, I think she's only being cordial when she really does like me despite my perceptions of her. She has never done anything that shows pure disinterest or disregard towards me. And she is NOT in any way, shape or form, rude or cold.

I mean, if she truly didn't want to give me the time of day - she would not return words with me whatsoever. I say she is worth the pursuit - whether as a friend or more.

 

My circumstance is complicated. Its kind of screwed up. Essentially, all my friends are in Cali, one is in Britain and the other in Canada. Why no friends in Florida? Pah, well I had to put my academic and social plans on hold because of my mom's boyfriend's ex-wife and her "issues", and lack of adequate transportation in part due to conflicting work schedules. So instead of working a job or being at college as I should be doing, I'm stuck watching his kids here and there when needed. I have no problem doing this - but when I moved out here from SoCal in January I was not expecting all of this extra, unwarranted BS to be going on. I had a plan (I still do) to be in school, with income, with a car and here I am seven months later with none of this accomplished. Its a little frustrating at times without a doubt. I was planning some flight school almost three years ago to get my PPL at least and lo' and behold, that didn't happen because of "family events".

 

If I had accomplished this or just part of it, I'd feel more confident about approaching Sarah and asking her out. If she were to accept and we got to know one another - I'd love to take her places like Sanibel Island, Naples, Holmes Beach and other beautiful locations. But no, due to my circumstances I can't do jack. This is something that restrains me from going up to her.

 

If a coffee date worked out - great! But what about subsequent meetings / dates? I would not be able to sustain it.

Edited August 14, 2013 by Skyraider829

[Nick D1980]

I think you should move back here, lol. The weather has been nice, not to hot.

It sucks you're going through all that crap and not being in school and what not.

 

My mutual friend said she sang at a spring training Dodger game. He thinks she

is crazy (because she is in her 30's and doesn't have a bf), but we don't know that

if she is locol. He is married though to a much younger woman.

 

You should just say yourself: "**** it I'll just ask her to coffee" and march up to her and do it.

[radiodarcy]

LOL, yeah I can't really understand how people relate "big words", different phraseologies and large vocabulary to being stuck-up or posh. I've met plenty of down to earth folks with high linguistic skills. Oh well...

 

She certainly strikes me as an observant person. I can tell she's the kind who is focused and down to earth, not all caught up in melodrama and the like as some are. That is one trait that drew me to her from the get-go.

 

I suppose I've gotten to know her a bit better - not by much though. Our conversations are brief but nice, and that's all. I don't think she minds me talking with her, its not like she doesn't respond to me when I approach her because she does and she's always in a happy mood. Sometimes when she's walking along, and I initiate a chat, she stops and talks. It doesn't seem like I'm bothering her. But I'm cautious with that assumption. I'm sure if I were, she would've stopped responding after a couple of encounters.

 

Its just that with the last "meeting" we had (call it what you will) we spoke for a short while, and since then she hasn't been around. It confuses me and it is causing me to think I screwed up with her, that I said something that either bugged her or whatever. As you probably already read, I told her if she'd like to talk medicine to let me know and she happily replied "okay". Now unless when I suggested that we actually talk about something besides our quick chats, that intimidated her or caused disinterest and caused her to stop coming around. But wouldn't it be logical to assume that if she did, she would've just told me?

I presume she would have. I say this because when we talk, I typically kick the conversation off, but when we are discussing whatever topic, she replies in full sentences, laughs, asks questions occasionally and carries along overall. I'm confounded at the time.

 

No case is general, I get that. But since you are shy - what's your take on it, with the information I've given? Thanks for responding.

 

Hm - - I think you're reading too much into it. Not that that isn't a normal thing to do with someone you like. It sounds to me like she is interested in you. I don't think any woman - - shy or not would continue to engage someone in conversation if there wasn't an interest there.

 

As you said no case is general and when it comes to shyness - - that's no exception. I know for me - - I'm shy i certain situations - - like meeting or approaching a guy a like :/

 

So it's definitely a load off if a guy approaches me, Nerve-wracking yes - but at least i know he's approaching me and because of that I'm happy to meet him halfway and talk with him.

 

That's not to say I haven't approached guys in the past. I finally got up the nerve to approach a guy after a year of pining over him - - only to get shot down and not that's not the first time that's happened. Which is why I'm shy about approaching guys

 

But back to Sarah - - I wouldn't read too much into her motives for continuing to talk to you or the nature of her responses. You'll never know what they are until you give it a shot

 

Good luck!

[Southern Cal Dude]

That's not to say I haven't approached guys in the past. I finally got up the nerve to approach a guy after a year of pining over him - - only to get shot down and not that's not the first time that's happened. Which is why I'm shy about approaching guys

 

 

You waited a year?!?! No wonder you got shot down.

[radiodarcy]

You waited a year?!?! No wonder you got shot down.

 

Ugh - - I know. Although something tells me it would have happened if I had done it earlier anyway :/ he was waay out of my league...

[Nick D1980]

^ How do you know he was out of your league?

 

I keep thinking that I'm not good enough for any of the cuties out there too.

[Skyraider829]

Ugh - - I know. Although something tells me it would have happened if I had done it earlier anyway :/ he was waay out of my league...

 

I'm sorry to hear that happened. Out of your league? Like, how far?