matthew0405 Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 Ok where to begin. Hi my name is Matt and I am 24 and married. My wife and I have been through hell the last year. While i was gone on deployment she cheated and had affairs with alot of guys. I was kinda at fault because I also did it to her along time ago. I was never happy about it and felt horrible. Now I have been on both ends and I am scared to death now. I found out july 4 of all days that she did this. She always denied it but, I had to search. I wish I never did. I found out and boy has my life been horrible since. She is very remorseful and cries horribly. She is afraid she has messed us up to much. I tell her I can make it through this with her help. Whats making this hard is the fact that i did it and we never properly discussed what I did and it left her full of anger that she just hid. I made to fatal mistakes right there. We have a 7 yearold whos cancer relapsed back in feb 04. I came home and everything was the exact opposite of before I left. Right now She is in counceling and therapy and on meds. I have seeked alot of help as well to help fight the nasty images. I actually work with one of the guys now which makes it kinda unbareable. I can not go a day with out feeling that nasty black horrible feeling of despair. after I found out she was a mess. She wouldnt let me leave to go to the store cause she thought I was leaving for good. she is fearful I will retaliate. I actually tried to do it but found myself almost vomitting at the idea. I cant do it is what I tell her. She seems to be more remorseful then I ever was about what I did. I was a **** husband in alot of ways. I came back to change. She says she lost faith in me while I was goen and that I would never change. Now she says I came back and was a different person. She believed I didnt love her. I guess I would feel the sameway. She now carrys a huge resentment for what she did. See we were so strong before I left. For a year. we were so in love it would make a person vomit just looking at us. We are so amazingly close. We are highschool sweet hearts. Together since 96. My wife feels so ashamed and digusted at what she did. I believe it and sometimes when she says it I feel better. recently we renewed our vows. I was amazed at it. To hear the powerful things she said. I am having difficulty getting through each day. I thank her for being there everyday. I mess up and I go off in anger about how she liked it. I am totally wrong. I know I didnt. We have been able to reach the intimacy we had before but, I cant maintain it for long. I know I am horribly hurt and with our son being ill this has been a crazy year for me. I have never experienced anything so powerfully heart shattering. I feel so horrible I ever did it to her. She tells me it was the worst thing she ever felt while doing it. And it was out of lonliness and anger towards me. Which I can take and understand as the breading grounds for something like this to happen. We both our in this and she actually thought I would never even speak to her again. I told her that actually hurts that you would think that. Because I am so in love with her and besides this bad time I have enjoyed life with her. We grew up together. We are so tight in that regard. My first concern of course was anyone better in anyway. She says no way. I want to believe her of course. I know what I did was digusting and i was always uncomfortable. We are actually still very much in love and still can manage doing our goofy couple stuff. We have been joined at the hip since this came out. I am sure you all have had this array of thoughts and feelings. So I guess I am turning here to vent it. I am tired of hurting her with bringing it up. What I have tried to do is turn the tables and put her remaining resentment of what I did on to me. To let her vent it in the right way. She hates thinking about what I did. She asks all the same questions I do now. I totally want her to know she is the most beautiful thing in my world. I wanted to share a trick I learned to these past few months. when ever I am on the brink of calling it quits. I go to her and just fill her up with love and for some reason when i do this she returns it right away and i feel so much better. I believe love can conquer any demon. Rebuilding has been alot of work. I am suprised we have made this far. When she gets down on her self I run to her rescue and remind her of our good past. she returns this and things click. So thats my story as of now. Thanks for listening.
tattoomytoe Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 i really hope she is worth it, cause if it were me, i would've up and left.
Owl Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 Counseling friend...get it NOW!!! You've both made some serious mistakes...but it sounds like the both of you are very much in love and wanting to get things right. You were deployed, ergo military. I don't know your branch, but Army has/had the ACS (Army Community Services)...go, and try to get a referral for a qualified, expert marriage counselor. Feel your pain brother...been deployed, and through some ROUGH times myself. My wife of 17 years and I just went through that same trauma you've described. Hang in there, get counseling, and keep trying!!
ThumbingMyWay Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 Originally posted by Owl Counseling friend...get it NOW!!! You've both made some serious mistakes...but it sounds like the both of you are very much in love and wanting to get things right. DITTO DITTO DITTO
tiki Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 I applaud you for attempting to make it work. Counseling does seem to be a good idea, and I'm not one to recommend it much. Good luck and may your love last forever.
Ladyjane14 Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 Originally posted by Owl Counseling friend...get it NOW!!! You've both made some serious mistakes...but it sounds like the both of you are very much in love and wanting to get things right. You were deployed, ergo military. I don't know your branch, but Army has/had the ACS (Army Community Services)...go, and try to get a referral for a qualified, expert marriage counselor. Feel your pain brother...been deployed, and through some ROUGH times myself. My wife of 17 years and I just went through that same trauma you've described. Hang in there, get counseling, and keep trying!! I'm with Owl, Thumb, and Tiki on this. I don't know how you'll put all this behind you without help. Consider the fact that there is so much added stress with taking care of a sick child, in addition to a military lifestyle, where you may be deployed and not in the home when you're family needs you. I think for both your sakes, and for the sake of your child who is ill, you NEED to work through this. No matter if it ends in divorce later, SUPPORT each other for now. Try to find a way to clean the slate of past transgressions on both your parts, much like Baptism, when one 'washes away their sins'. You just can't go forward while clinging to the past. A renewal of vows is a good start, but you are still harboring resentment, both towards her and towards yourself.
jmargel Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 It's obvious that you two have communication problems. In all actuality the cheating that you two have done really isn't the issue here. The issue is to WHY you two have done it. Why did you cheat on her? Why did you treat her so bad? Was it something she did? Was it because you didn't like yourself? You need to find answers to that. It's obvious to why she has cheated. She felt unloved, unwanted and felt like the marriage was a farce. On top of that she has a son who has cancer. She had no one to turn to, and this other guy was there. She also didn't communicate her anger towards your cheating and your unloving behavior. Good chance she was scared of you in alot of ways. It seems like you have woken up from your 'sleep'. And you now really don't know how to deal with it in a good way. This is why everyone is telling you how important marriage counseling is. Call the local hospital and ask for a referral on a good licensed marriage counselor. Try to get a female one if possible. It'll help your wife out (and you). That's just my preference. Women can relate better to a female. In the mean time you have to realize that there is no just 'one' talk. You will feel anger, upsetment out of the blue. So will she for what you have done. There will be days that go by and things are great, then all of a sudden something will pop up to remind you of the affair and it will drive you nuts. Not only that you have to deal with the trust, the issue whether or not you or her will do it again. First and foremost in this, when you start thinking these thoughts you have to catch yourself doing this. Once you have done this, you need to take a thought that you treasure with your wife and replace that irrational or bad thought with the good one. It will be hard, but you have to force yourself to do this. This will be important in times that she may want to go out by herself and you'll be wandering where she is. Instead of the 20 questions or accusations try doing what I suggested. You two will not be able to work out your difference and be their for your son unless you take steps to help fix this process. By going to marriage counseling you will be able to. Both of you need to go in with an open mind on what you two have done to hurt this relationship. Take our advice.
TMCM Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 While it is indeed a horrible situation to experience [i should know, I lived through it], the good thing is that BOTH of you recognize the great harm you've done to one another and are very remorseful for it. This is a great foundation for the two of you to rebuild your marriage but like the other posters said, the two of you will need counseling. Here's a couple of links to marriage resources that may help your efforts to rebuild your marriage: The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage. Marriage Builders Counseling Service. Save Your Marriage Central . The ENQ(Emotional Needs Questionaire) . The LBQ(Love Busters Questionaire) . What is important is that the two of you do not procrastinate in this very important matter. Good luck and God bless you and your loved ones.
VivianLee Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 First of all, I'm so sorry about your child!! I hope and pray they are doing well now. As a parent, I can't imagine the agony of having a child with cancer! You and your wife have pretty much taken an imaginary knife and stabbed each other in the heart.....you are both wounded and need to heal.... The most important thing y'all could do is to follow the advice and get counseling. You need a professional to give you advice and tools to use to get on with healing and working on the marriage. Plus, having a child with cancer is another reason to have counseling, you both are so young and have alot to deal with.... Which brings me to another thought, being young....you were just teens when y'all became parent's (and married?) so y'all both were still in the process of growing up while you dealt with a child and a marriage. The reality of yours and her affair has been the "wake up call" that you needed to grow up and mature. Which is a good thing, you aren't realizing things before too late nor are you still participating in the destructive behavior that led to where you are now. Y'all sound completely in love and so desperate to have things work and be happy, that is GREAT!! As long as you both are so willing, that is a HUGE step.... So talk to your minister, human resource person at work or look in the yellow pages and find a marriage counselor. Again, I hope your child is doing well, take care!!
whichwayisup Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 Two horrible wrongs don't make a right. I'm glad you didn't go and seek revenge. Concentrate on fixing the marriage by going to couples therapy. The intimacy issues ofcourse related to what has happened but also the kind of year you've both had with your son. I do hope he is improving! My heart goes out to you both. Tough to deal with. But that can definately affect your sex lives as well, add in the hurt, emotional part of the affairs...Well, honestly I can understand why I would not want to do it either. Just hold eachother, communicate and show eachother how much love is still around! Good luck and keep posting!
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