How do I tell my BF that I'm pregnant?

[Janesays]

21 is only a young mother by your feminist standards.

 

Oddly enough, I never mentioned feminism.

 

I was talking about the scientific standards. Like I said, her brain isn't fully matured yet. That's not feminism. That SCIENTIFIC FACT.

 

I was also talking about sociological standards. The reality is she is not LEGALLY even allowed to drink in this current society. Nearly ALL of her friends are going to be hitting the clubs next year entering the phase of their live when socially you're 'supposed' to be selfish and crazy and spontaneous. The FACT is MOST of these girls she calls friends now will start disappearing because they no longer have ANYTHING in common. If she thinks friends that are busy 'finding themselves' in college and hitting the bars every night are going to want to hang out with her so she can talk about the solid foods junior is eating, she is developing unrealistic expectations of motherhood. Again, FACT.

 

Is she PHYSICALLY 'too young' for motherhood. Obviously not. She's pregnant.

 

Does this mean she CAN'T be a Mother and do a decent job of it? No, of course not.....but the odds are against her ESPECIALLY if people start blowing smoke up her behind about all the sunshine and roses it is going to be. When she's making the choice to spend her last 20$ on her electric bill or diapers, she's going to learn really hard and quick what young motherhood REALLY means in this world. Doesn't mean she can't rise to the challenge. I just wanted to point out that a lot of young mother's DON'T and who suffers then? That's right....THE KIDS.

 

There is world of difference between having a child when you're financially stable, in a stable relationship, already sowed your oats, and are surrounded by friends who are ALSO having children....

 

....compared to having a child when you're 20, immature, broke, and all alone.

 

Either decision the OP makes, I'm all for supporting her. All I ask is that we give her the CORRECT information she needs to do what is best for her and her future children instead of letting our religious bias lead her to believe that this will be easier than it is.

[darkmoon]

I agree with T3h L337 d00d and SoulJazzBlues, just tell him

 

but do not ask or demand or expect anything from the dad, all are off-putting anytime, maybe a more laid-back attitude will get him oooh-ing and aaah-ing into the pram yet, of his own volition

 

worst way, you will remain a single mom who can make friends with other single moms, a new life can be an adventure, in the park

Edited July 27, 2013 by darkmoon

[soccerrprp]

Oddly enough, I never mentioned feminism.

 

I was talking about the scientific standards. Like I said, her brain isn't fully matured yet. That's not feminism. That SCIENTIFIC FACT.

 

I was also talking about sociological standards. The reality is she is not LEGALLY even allowed to drink in this current society. Nearly ALL of her friends are going to be hitting the clubs next year entering the phase of their live when socially you're 'supposed' to be selfish and crazy and spontaneous. The FACT is MOST of these girls she calls friends now will start disappearing because they no longer have ANYTHING in common. If she thinks friends that are busy 'finding themselves' in college and hitting the bars every night are going to want to hang out with her so she can talk about the solid foods junior is eating, she is developing unrealistic expectations of motherhood. Again, FACT.

 

Is she PHYSICALLY 'too young' for motherhood. Obviously not. She's pregnant.

 

Does this mean she CAN'T be a Mother and do a decent job of it? No, of course not.....but the odds are against her ESPECIALLY if people start blowing smoke up her behind about all the sunshine and roses it is going to be. When she's making the choice to spend her last 20$ on her electric bill or diapers, she's going to learn really hard and quick what young motherhood REALLY means in this world. Doesn't mean she can't rise to the challenge. I just wanted to point out that a lot of young mother's DON'T and who suffers then? That's right....THE KIDS.

 

There is world of difference between having a child when you're financially stable, in a stable relationship, already sowed your oats, and are surrounded by friends who are ALSO having children....

 

....compared to having a child when you're 20, immature, broke, and all alone.

 

Either decision the OP makes, I'm all for supporting her. All I ask is that we give her the CORRECT information she needs to do what is best for her and her future children instead of letting our religious bias lead her to believe that this will be easier than it is.

 

For the most part, I must agree with this. Forget about the brain not being fully mature at 20. Scientific studies tend to show this, but there are, have been teens, 20s who are much more mature and level-headed than the science would lead some to believe is possible.

 

In current society, it is much more difficult to raise a child at her age and lack of qualifications, stability. Many of us who had very young parents had better support, lived in different times and it was not nearly as taboo for someone so young to have children. Comparing our mothers (I'm 40+) with the young women today who have children is not entirely fair.

 

Aborting a child is a serious consideration. I would never present it as just another option. Take a look at your support, family, friends and ask yourself if you will be able to take care of your child. Consider your BF, but find out sooner than later if he's going to be in the picture and committedly. If I were you, I simply would consider these things imagining that he would bail on you. I really don't like the idea that you are essentially being held hostage by this guy. Just don't like it.

 

I'm dating a gorgeous woman who, after informing her BF that she was pregnant was told to leave and was blamed for getting pregnant. His true colors showed. He told her to get an abortion. She refused. She is an amazing mother with an amazing child, but she has had to make some serious sacrifices. She's much older than you are, but the sacrifices will be similar. She also has extended family support, so that helps.

 

Frankly, abortion b/c you want to keep you BF = bad idea. Keep the baby b/c you have no other support, positive role-models to help you = bad idea, but you'll have a beautiful child that will love you unconditionally. It will be hard work, but can be done.

 

Another option...give the baby up for adoption. Difficult for different reasons.

 

Sorry, can't provide more help. I really hope your BF is the decent guy you think he is. Once you tell him, you'll find out.

 

Good luck.

[tianab]

I was also talking about sociological standards. The reality is she is not LEGALLY even allowed to drink in this current society. Nearly ALL of her friends are going to be hitting the clubs next year entering the phase of their live when socially you're 'supposed' to be selfish and crazy and spontaneous. The FACT is MOST of these girls she calls friends now will start disappearing because they no longer have ANYTHING in common. If she thinks friends that are busy 'finding themselves' in college and hitting the bars every night are going to want to hang out with her so she can talk about the solid foods junior is eating, she is developing unrealistic expectations of motherhood. Again, FACT

 

I hate to break it to you but I live in Canada and the legal drinking age is 18. I could have been out drinking, going to clubs, whatever but I never have. I have been drunk once and never stepped foot in a club. Why? Because I think that's a stupid lifestyle. I have no friends that are into that because I don't get along with people who are into that lifestyle. I find it stupid and immature. Sure I won't be able to go out much but considering I rarely go out as it is, that's not an issue. I've always been more of a homebody. I have a friend with a very young baby and she has friends with babies. It's not like I'd be all alone in this big world with no friends.

 

Yes, it is a scientific fact that the brain isn't fully developed until about 25. Considering I'm doing a major in psychology, neuroscience and behavior I think I'd know that. But is that always true? Do you really think as soon as we hit 25 our brains just magically finishes developing? No. Everyone's brains develop at different speeds. All of my friends are 24-26 because I don't get along with people my age at all.

 

If I keep the baby do I think it will be sunshine and rainbows? No. But I also know I won't be a terrible mother just because I'll be 21. I can think of plenty of terrible 30+ year old mothers.

Edited July 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Dread Pirate Roberts]

My BF and I have been together for a year and a half and the relationship is really good. We're moving in together in a few days. I'm 20, he's 25.

 

I found out today that I'm pregnant and I have no clue what to do. I don't know if he wants kids or not. When we first got together he said that he couldn't wait to be a dad. But for the last maybe 6 months he's been saying that he never wants kids and would rather not have them. But a month ago I asked him how he would feel if I were pregnant and he said "happy, excited, scared". A week ago we were talking about pregnancy a bit and he basically said that guys shouldn't have to pay for child support if they tell the girl that he doesn't want a kid, because it's her decision to keep it or not.

 

So if he decides he doesn't want to be a dad he could break up with me and never be around. But I don't know if he'd actually do that... He's a really, really good guy. And our relationship is better than any relationship either of us have ever had. But if he doesn't want kids... I feel like the options are A) Have the baby and lose him or B) Abort the baby and maybe we'll be okay. If he tells me that abortion is what he wants I don't know if I'll be able to not do it.

 

I'm just terrified of his reaction because he is so confusing on what he wants. Saying he can't wait to be a dad, never wants to be a dad, wouldn't care, etc. Right now he is really stressed because of work. He's just finishing college and trying to find a good job. What he has right now doesn't give many hours and low pay. I don't know if I should wait until he finds something else so that he's less stressed (if he decides he wants to be a dad) or just do it now.

 

As soon as possible. o.O

[Eddie Edirol]

I dont believe you should keep a child because a child will love you unconditionally. You keep a child if you think you can successfully raise a kid in a good environment. You could get 70k after your masters, but thats IF you finish your masters, and IF you can actually get the job that pays you that. Thats no guarantee no matter what people tell you. At least if youre going to deal with no guarantees, deal with them first and THEN have the family after you actually reach the level you want to be career and relationship wise.

[soccerrprp]

I dont believe you should keep a child because a child will love you unconditionally. You keep a child if you think you can successfully raise a kid in a good environment. You could get 70k after your masters, but thats IF you finish your masters, and IF you can actually get the job that pays you that. Thats no guarantee no matter what people tell you. At least if youre going to deal with no guarantees, deal with them first and THEN have the family after you actually reach the level you want to be career and relationship wise.

 

I would agree for the most part. You don't keep a child "just" b/c he would give unconditional love. As most have stated, she needs to determine whether she can support the child and waiting for a degree or 70K salary while in the wake of deciding whether to have a living, breathing baby now is not so simple either.

 

These things the OP can do while raising the child and bettering herself. The key is whether she will have support NOW to helping her raise the child. Family, friends, support groups, etc. If not, then the decision to abort may be easier (never easy). If so, then, you will have a beautiful baby that will give you unconditional love in the midst of supportive people to help you be a young mother and successful, educated human being....not easy. No one is suggesting such.

[Janesays]

Please quit saying that a baby will love you unconditionally! That is BS! Children DO NOT love unconditionally....that is a Mother or Fathers job. Treat a child poorly and they will grow to despise you regardless of the blood you share.

 

I don't love my mother unconditionally. I haven't even laid eyes on her in 20 years and I don't care if she lives or dies.

 

If one is looking for unconditional love, they are becoming parents for the exact WRONG reasons. Your child's love comes with conditions. If you want unconditional love, get a dog!!!

[hoping2heal]

You aren't in the US are you?

 

That makes sense then if you aren't I guess.

 

Still I'm sure having a kid isn't going to make it easier.

 

You're all gloom and doom, talking like this guy is most definitely going to leave her. For all you know, he's going to embrace his new family and they are going to work everything out and be a happy and functional family unit. Will it be perfect? No, Will it be without it's challenges? Absolutely not. And? So what, parenting isn't easy no matter what your income, what your age, what your marital status, or what your life experience. I think this lady will do just fine no matter the outcome. You've done nothing but spit piss and vinegar in her direction and act completely rude and once again you're as transparent as a roll of saran wrap and speaking out of jealousy.

 

You ever see that film Goodwill Hunting? There's a scene that reminds me of you. It's when Robin Williams tells Will Hunting how despite his impressive and extensive knowledge on subjects what he knows comes from a book as opposed to real life experience and for that reason he doesn't know ****.

[tianab]

I let this topic go a while ago, if her boyfriend leaves her, too bad. Another single mom collecting government money. You hope for the best that's cool for you but I'm more realistic. He said he didn't want kids ever and now she's pregnant how likely do you think he will stick around? Call it what you want but if I wanted to get pregnant tomorrow by my bf I could, I have the ability to get pregnant I choose not to because I actually want to get my masters.

 

Anyways whatever either way hope it works out OP but abortion would probably be the way to go I know Canada throws money at poor people but still.. Why would you want that?

 

Do you really think that every single parent collects government money? Even if I did, it's not your country why would you care?

 

Yes, he said he never wants kids but he has also said that he does, that he might, that he doesn't care, that he'd be happy if we did, etc. We talked about this before we ever had sex. He said "I wouldn't be worried if you got pregnant because I know that I'm going to marry you. Usually I'd be worried about it because a kid deserves two parents and I don't want to be stuck with someone I don't actually want to be with. If I had a kid with someone I'd probably stay with her for the kids sake, we'd make it work even if we didn't really want to."

 

And I hate to break it to you, but there IS still a chance at getting pregnant no matter how many types of birth control you use. Small, yes, but still a chance. There is no rule that says you can't go to school with a child.

Edited July 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sweetjasmine]

If anything, OP, let this be a taste of the nasty judgmental garbage people might fling at you if you end up a single parent. It's good practice for figuring out how to ignore them, I guess.

 

Have you told him yet? The sooner you do that, the sooner you can figure out what decisions might work best for you.

[tianab]

If anything, OP, let this be a taste of the nasty judgmental garbage people might fling at you if you end up a single parent. It's good practice for figuring out how to ignore them, I guess.

 

Have you told him yet? The sooner you do that, the sooner you can figure out what decisions might work best for you.

 

I'm going to tell him tonight I think. He works 12 hour night shifts right now so he sleeps most of the day, so time is limited. I keep waiting for the right time. Last night he asked me if I'd ever want to foster a teenager (he wants to) way down the line, so I'm not really sure what to think of that. Threw me off a little bit. But tonights the night I think.

[Balzac]

How many weeks pregnant do you think you are?

Depo kinda makes this a tough calculation.

[Els]

I'm going to tell him tonight I think. He works 12 hour night shifts right now so he sleeps most of the day, so time is limited. I keep waiting for the right time. Last night he asked me if I'd ever want to foster a teenager (he wants to) way down the line, so I'm not really sure what to think of that. Threw me off a little bit. But tonights the night I think.

 

Good luck, OP.

 

I genuinely hope he does the mature and responsible thing, and tries to support you in this. Even if he doesn't, though, I'm glad you're going to tell him tonight, and I hope things work out for you in the end.

[hoping2heal]

I'm going to tell him tonight I think. He works 12 hour night shifts right now so he sleeps most of the day, so time is limited. I keep waiting for the right time. Last night he asked me if I'd ever want to foster a teenager (he wants to) way down the line, so I'm not really sure what to think of that. Threw me off a little bit. But tonights the night I think.

 

The sooner you tell him the better. One thing that I feel works in your favor is that Depo is a shot and not a pill. Someone mentioned hopefully he doesn't think you did this on purpose since you brought up pregnancy a month ago; obviously there's no way for you to skip BC if you get the depo shot. I think no matter what happens you're going to be just fine without a doubt.

[CA2TN4Love]

Just be honest with him and let it sink in. He may go through a multitude of emotions, so be patient, because his initial reaction may not be his final reaction.

 

I was just shy of my 20th birthday when I got pregnant by my boyfriend of almost a year. I had been told previously that I probably couldn't have children without medical intervention, so I didn't even find out I was pregnant until I was four months along. My boyfriend didn't want me to have the baby; however, there was no talking me out of it. As far as I'm concerned, my son was my little miracle. Although my boyfriend didn't want me to have our son, he still went to every doctor appointment with me, and he stayed by my side. Did we have rough times? Absolutely, but it was worth it. Our son will be 18 next week, and other than the medical insurance I needed while I was pregnant, I never had to live on government assistance.

 

Not every man is a complete tool, OP, and many men take their responsibilities seriously. I'm glad I didn't find this forum all those years ago, because when you're pregnant and confused, the last thing you need is a bunch of people telling you that you're going to end up a statistic.

 

Hopefully, your boyfriend will be supportive, but even if he turns out to be a douchebag, make the decision that you can live with for the rest of your life.

[veggirl]

OH, you are one of the 20 year olds who are mature for their age. Well why didn't you say so!

 

Seriously if you have such anxiety telling your bf something like this....it's fear based, you are fearful of losing him and that is coming from somewhere legit. Again, I'm curious, if your bf leaves you - do you still want to be pregnant at 20?

[tianab]

OH, you are one of the 20 year olds who are mature for their age. Well why didn't you say so!

 

Seriously if you have such anxiety telling your bf something like this....it's fear based, you are fearful of losing him and that is coming from somewhere legit. Again, I'm curious, if your bf leaves you - do you still want to be pregnant at 20?

 

You clearly are immature for your age.

 

As someone with anxiety I can tell you there is a huge different between anxiety and worry. The WORRY comes from the fact that I don't know what he wants and many guys ditch when the girlfriend gets pregnant. Yes, if I when I tell my boyfriend that I'm pregnant he walks out I will continue with the pregnancy.

[Balzac]

He's an educated adult, Depo risks are known, not sure this will be a total shock. Most guys know that this can happen.

[veggirl]

You clearly are immature for your age.

 

As someone with anxiety I can tell you there is a huge different between anxiety and worry. The WORRY comes from the fact that I don't know what he wants and many guys ditch when the girlfriend gets pregnant. Yes, if I when I tell my boyfriend that I'm pregnant he walks out I will continue with the pregnancy.

 

Like I said in my previous post, EVERYone your age thinks they are the exception, the mature one. I think it would be BEST for you to look at your situation as the rule, rather than the exception. Others did a fine job of...going over the "rule", so I won't patronize you by repeating it. I just hope that you will look at the legit possibilities, the legit "rules" and assess if you want that. Please don't count on being special, the exception, "it will all work out". Most people who delay or drop out of school do not go back, do not finish. It's just how it is. I hope you are erring on the side of caution rather than expecting to be the exception. Most people assume they are the unique exception.

[free_in_chains]

Good for you, OP. I hope your boyfriend stays with you, but if he doesn't, it sounds to me like you will be just fine. I'm glad you didn't let any of the trash-talkers on here get in your head. You are young, but not terribly so. Keep your chin up and do what you do for YOU and your baby I am not against abortion, but I definitely think it should be considered as a last option ONLY, because every woman I have ever known to have one has said it was the biggest regret of their life...Your story is eerily similar to mine...And my son is very intelligent and is an angel (though sometimes he tries to condescend)

[Quiet Storm]

My husband and i were HS sweethearts. We married the month I turned 18. I got pregnant at 19. Now my oldest is about to start his senior year and I am only 36. I continued school while working. My husband did not attend college but worked as a mechanic and made enough for us. We waited six years and had two more kids. We struggled sometimes but we got through. I grew up very poor in a bad bmore neighborhood- so even though it was not always easy I felt we were a step up from my childhood. We are still together. Having a baby so young may not be the optimal situation, but it can be done. I think being so young actually gave me the energy to go to school, work and get up in the night to nurse a baby. I couldn't see myself having enough energy now, so maybe there are good things about starting young. Your life will never be the same, though. Your life will totally revolve.around another person. It was exhausting. It never ends. It is so worth it to me, though. My kids bring me more joy than friends, jobs, personal accomplishments ever could. I love being a mom.

Edited July 28, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[Nick D1980]

Yet strangely enough, two-thirds of parents say if they knew back then what they know now, being parents, they would NOT have had kids. Hmmmm, wonder what they know that people without kids don't...

 

Food for thought.

 

This may all be moot since during the first three months of gestation there is a high rate of miscarriage.

I think I would of been better off not born. Not that I was a problem child. lol

[bubbaganoosh]

This is the kind of thought and expectation many women have when being/getting pregnant. They feel like this baby will help them turn a corner and solidify the relationship with their partner and then give them this "future" they hope for and see, it's almost like a more permanent guarantee on the relationship instead of losing the guy to his own free will and decision making..."maybe he'll stay for sure because of the baby, and he's a good guy so he'll stay committed and be a good dad"...

 

Have to say, that mentality kind of irks me...among similar things that women do or think that give them a greater degree of reassurance and security in their relationship.

 

But ultimately, although a father may feel that way for his child...as you can see, it doesn't keep many committed to their relationships anymore...it might prolong the situation because he may not want to leave right away for many reasons but if a guy isn't ultimately going to be happy with this woman and settle down he will try to escape this relationship, he just needs a good reason...like another woman that comes along and opens the door.

 

In Drseussgrrl situation, this guy already had an open eye and heart to another...it was just a matter of time, kid or no kid...like I always tell women, men already know full well the distance that they're willing to go with a woman...they just play their cards right until the opportunity comes along where they can move on...that's why when they do reach that point and they do meet someone to their actual standard of long-term commitment they initiate and settle extremely quickly while they dragged out the previous relationship...the man already knew the relationship wasn't right for him the long-term far before that new woman ever stepped foot into his life.

 

At any rate, a 20 year old making a decision to having a baby is a scary thought...not only is it extremely idealistic she thinks that life goes according to a plan and control, and that this guy may either initiate a deeper commitment from the guy and then all the childhood fantasies of an idealist relationship will come true.

 

But from what I gather so far from what she's said...I think this guy is going to bail regardless of what she does. I think once he sees the reality of his 20 year old GF being pregnant, it's going to throw him in a panic..I think he'll likely want to get rid of it...and at that point whether she keeps it or not it's going to be apparent that this whole pregnancy thing can actual happen..it's not just some magical event that occurs at will when you decide it. I think that will eventually cause a reaction for him to pull away from her, even if she has the baby and he sticks around for a while for good character or whatever you want to call it....this guy is very indecisive about pregnancy and likely in large part because of how he feels for this girl and relationship, he could do the exact same thing that Drseussgrrl prior relationship did marrying the wedding planner.

 

So hopefully for your sake you make the best decision for yourself, but you're 20 years old and you haven't even told the guy you are pregnant yet which is not really a choice but a necessity...then you go from there. But ultimately I think this will cause a shift in this guy internally and emotionally will put him on the track to eventually removing himself from this relationship...I think it's going to be all too real for him, even if he comes to terms to If you choose to have the baby...the wheels are already in motion and this relationship is still quite young...you're biting off more than you can chew, you just don't realize what that really means and how much its going to change your life.

 

This guy might become a major @sshole in your future if you have this baby, then you can complain to all your friends/family about him wanting to avoid childsupport and resenting you for it and how he's such a loser and yadda yadda yadda.

 

Ninja

 

If what your saying is because in my post I said that the marriage ended, it's because she cheated. I didn't walk away.

[Els]

 

Hopefully, your boyfriend will be supportive, but even if he turns out to be a douchebag, make the decision that you can live with for the rest of your life.

 

 

I just want to second this, for emphasis.

 

OP, don't abort just because people tell you to.

 

And don't keep the baby just because people tell you to.

 

Talk to your bf, then really have a think about it, the pragmatic considerations as well as the emotional/abstract. Drown out all the noise, and do what you feel best.

 

All the best.