How do I tell my BF that I'm pregnant?

[Drseussgrrl]

Oh well. Seriously? You have so much to learn about life.

[veggirl]

I had an abortion when I got pregnant by my ex because he wasn't ready and wanted to go to grad school. We lived together for three years after that, got engaged, and within three months of our wedding he broke up with me for the wedding planner.

 

 

She got prego within 7 months of our breaking up, had their baby and he married her on the spot.

 

 

There isn't a single day that goes by that I don't regret that decision and wonder what we might have become as a family. It haunts me to this day and I have spent the last two years mourning that baby and the life we could have had.

 

He left you for your wedding planner. Why would that have been different if you had a baby? Babies don't change how a man and woman feel for each other, if their feelings aren't all there. It would have been WAY worse if you had a baby and he left you. I'm sorry you regret your abortion daily, that is terribly sad and I hope you weren't pressured into it. I've had one as well, never once regretted it, so different strokes and all that.

 

OP I have to say you are sooooo young to have a baby. My sister had a baby at 20, her baby is now almost 14. It can work out, she is married to her daughters dad now. I think she is the exception though.

 

I think at 20 you are so young, but also an adult...it's a strange time, you think you are grown up, but you have no idea how truly NOT grown up you are. I can imagine thinking "yes I'm ready for a baby" at 20....and then at 25, 30, 35 realizing "wtf was I thinking?"

 

You need to figure out YOUR stance first, with or without your bf. If he bails, do you still want to be pregnant at 20?

 

Honestly, it's a legit possibility.

[Art_Critic]

Show him the EPT stick...

 

No better way than to not beat around the bush, sit him down and just tell him.

You are both going to be parents so now isn't the time to be shy..

 

Congrats...

[somedude81]

You need to figure out YOUR stance first, with or without your bf. If he bails, do you still want to be pregnant at 20?

 

Honestly, it's a legit possibility.

That is a really great question.

 

She has to consider the worst possible scenario because she isn't married.

 

Do you want to be a 21 year old single mother?

 

Having a baby can completely destroy the relationship.

[Treasa]

You just have to tell him honestly. Are you ready to be a mom at age 20? I mean, life is hard enough as is at 20, and unless you are financially and emotionally ready, you are better off not having the kid. You and BF are not married, so he can bail out at any time. If you have the child, put him/her up for adoption. You two are not ready, and will regret later on.

 

My mom had me when she was 20. No regrets. I appreciate and agree that 20 is pretty young to have a child, but you don't need to put doom and gloom in her head and tell her that there's no way this could turn out well.

[mesmerized]

OP, just tell him. And I agree with others that having a baby is just not a good decision for you right now. If you were in your late twenties and up, maybe I wouldn't say the same...In any case you have to tell him, I know it's really hard but like another poster suggested, do it like ripping off a band aid. Then give him and yourself time to think about it.

Edited July 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post redacted

[fortyninethousand322]

Does he like pets? Maybe hint that you adopted a dog, but like a very human looking one that won't arrive for a few months...

[Star Gazer]

OP, I think this is one of those just-rip-the-bandaid-off situations. I like Art's idea of just showing him the pee stick. If you're going to be parents, now's not the time to beat around the bush. You gotta crack the situation wide open and deal with it. Best of luck to you, whatever you decide.

Edited July 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post redacted

[Drseussgrrl]

The OP is already peegnant so your opinion about using a condom is null and void. She has a very tough decision/road ahead of her so unless you have some valuable information to provide, bow out.

[tbf]

So I guess I should tell him before he moves his stuff.

Absolutely tell him before he moves in. This is serious business. Tell him tomorrow since the sooner you discuss it, the sooner a decision can be made and action or no action taken.

 

So that you know, you're not the only person who's gotten pregnant while on birth control. My husband and I got pregnant 6.5 months into our engagement while I was on the Ortho Evra patch.

[bubbaganoosh]

I got my girlfriend pregnant and she became my second wife. I don't mean to scare you but the marriage didn't last but that's not what this is about. I was 38 when my daughter was born. I thought Oh great, I'm going to be a dad at 38 years old. I had mixed feelings throughout the next 9 months and one morning my wife said "it's time" and away we went to the hospital. 9 hours later I had a baby girl in my arms. I never, in my entire life loved anything more than that little girl. She made my heart melt. She was the greatest thing to ever come in to my life. She's now 27, married, just bought a house, happy, I talk to her all the time. We share so many things and she has given me nothing but joy. Maybe when your BF holds his baby for the first time, he'll feel the same way. He would be crazy in the head if he didn't.

[truth_seeker]

Jump out of a cake?

[Eggplant]

On the bright side, at 20 your physically in great shape, and will be able to recover well from the birth and have more energy to pull all-nighters. Women have been having babies at 20 and much earlier since forever (although realities have always been ugly).

 

Good luck with your school -- get your masters.

[free_in_chains]

I would just tell him... I was in a very similar situation at 19. My b/f and I were in college when I became pregnant. He told me to get an abortion, and I entertained the idea...for a moment because I "thought" I loved him. Long story made short, we played house for a while, I left him, and haven't seen him since...Oh and my son is now 5. He graduated from college with a bachelor's in physics, but I'm still a junior in college at 25 I WOULDN'T TRADE MY SON FOR THE WORLD!! I don't hate my life, and I feel like superwoman since I can take on all the hardships of single-motherdom. Children have so much to teach us, and they are always our children. They give us a reason to make ourselves better, and they give us reason to love ourselves Besides, the whole "men shouldn't have to pay child support blah blah stuff"...that really ruffled my feathers! What a load of poo!!

[FitChick]

Yet strangely enough, two-thirds of parents say if they knew back then what they know now, being parents, they would NOT have had kids. Hmmmm, wonder what they know that people without kids don't...

 

Food for thought.

 

This may all be moot since during the first three months of gestation there is a high rate of miscarriage.

[Star Gazer]

Yet strangely enough, two-thirds of parents say if they knew back then what they know now, being parents, they would NOT have had kids.

 

I don't believe that. Source?

[free_in_chains]

I don't understand why *certain* people think that having a child will ruin this girl's life! Sometimes you just have to sh*t on statistics and what would be socially acceptable, and do what YOU want to do. Who cares about your boyfriend and if he will stay? Because in the end, you cant trust anyone but yourself. If you want the baby, and feel like you could raise it yourself, then do it. You're young, sure, but nothing is impossible

[Eddie Edirol]

They give us a reason to make ourselves better, and they give us reason to love ourselves

 

I don't understand why *certain* people think that having a child will ruin this girl's life! Sometimes you just have to sh*t on statistics and what would be socially acceptable, and do what YOU want to do. Who cares about your boyfriend and if he will stay? Because in the end, you cant trust anyone but yourself. If you want the baby, and feel like you could raise it yourself, then do it. You're young, sure, but nothing is impossible

 

Oh yeah, because people who dont love themselves or try to make themselves better on their own should be birthing more people. I know tons of economically challenged communities in the USA alone that were made this way. Heres one stat that contributes to too many kids being born in broken homes-- their parents do what they want to do anyway, youre right about that. Dont even have to look up that stat. Their children are all over the news too.

 

They do their mothers proud

Edited July 27, 2013 by Eddie Edirol

[Els]

A week ago we were talking about pregnancy a bit and he basically said that guys shouldn't have to pay for child support if they tell the girl that he doesn't want a kid, because it's her decision to keep it or not.

 

First off, IMO this is the sort of conversation you should be having before intercourse or at least in the early stages of it... not 1.5 years into your R (unless you only have intercourse then).

 

But that's already over and done with, so just gotta learn from that and move forward.

 

So if he decides he doesn't want to be a dad he could break up with me and never be around. But I don't know if he'd actually do that... He's a really, really good guy. And our relationship is better than any relationship either of us have ever had. But if he doesn't want kids... I feel like the options are A) Have the baby and lose him or B) Abort the baby and maybe we'll be okay. If he tells me that abortion is what he wants I don't know if I'll be able to not do it.

 

I'm just terrified of his reaction because he is so confusing on what he wants. Saying he can't wait to be a dad, never wants to be a dad, wouldn't care, etc. Right now he is really stressed because of work. He's just finishing college and trying to find a good job. What he has right now doesn't give many hours and low pay. I don't know if I should wait until he finds something else so that he's less stressed (if he decides he wants to be a dad) or just do it now.

Well, you have to just tell him; there is really no good reason to be so scared of it,. Any man with a rudimentary education and some common sense knows that when he has intercourse, there IS going to be a risk of pregnancy. Again, perhaps you two could have done more to reduce the risks, but again, that's all done and dusted now.

 

So, after telling him and finding out his opinion about it, you can decide what you want to do. IMO, if you make your decision to abort solely based on keeping him, you are going to regret it for the rest of your life. You should decide based on what you feel would be the best decision for YOU to live with. Because in the majority of cases, the person having long-term regrets about an abortion is not the man. It's almost unheard-of for a man to be thinking about the fetus his ex-gf aborted 10 years ago; pretty common for a woman to think about it. So do what you feel best. Note that I'm not saying you should necessarily keep it; simply that you should make your own decision.

 

And as for his opinion on how men shouldn't be required to pay for child support if they don't want the child? He's entitled to that, but the laws remain. He made 50% of the choice to have sex with you; he is responsible for 50% of the consequences. If you keep the child and he breaks up with you and refuses to pay child support, set the law on his ass. Your child deserves the best life he/she can get, and that precedes his/her father's desire for a comfortable life.

 

All the best.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I got my girlfriend pregnant and she became my second wife. I don't mean to scare you but the marriage didn't last but that's not what this is about. I was 38 when my daughter was born. I thought Oh great, I'm going to be a dad at 38 years old. I had mixed feelings throughout the next 9 months and one morning my wife said "it's time" and away we went to the hospital. 9 hours later I had a baby girl in my arms. I never, in my entire life loved anything more than that little girl. She made my heart melt. She was the greatest thing to ever come in to my life. She's now 27, married, just bought a house, happy, I talk to her all the time. We share so many things and she has given me nothing but joy. Maybe when your BF holds his baby for the first time, he'll feel the same way. He would be crazy in the head if he didn't.

 

This is the kind of thought and expectation many women have when being/getting pregnant. They feel like this baby will help them turn a corner and solidify the relationship with their partner and then give them this "future" they hope for and see, it's almost like a more permanent guarantee on the relationship instead of losing the guy to his own free will and decision making..."maybe he'll stay for sure because of the baby, and he's a good guy so he'll stay committed and be a good dad"...

 

Have to say, that mentality kind of irks me...among similar things that women do or think that give them a greater degree of reassurance and security in their relationship.

 

But ultimately, although a father may feel that way for his child...as you can see, it doesn't keep many committed to their relationships anymore...it might prolong the situation because he may not want to leave right away for many reasons but if a guy isn't ultimately going to be happy with this woman and settle down he will try to escape this relationship, he just needs a good reason...like another woman that comes along and opens the door.

 

In Drseussgrrl situation, this guy already had an open eye and heart to another...it was just a matter of time, kid or no kid...like I always tell women, men already know full well the distance that they're willing to go with a woman...they just play their cards right until the opportunity comes along where they can move on...that's why when they do reach that point and they do meet someone to their actual standard of long-term commitment they initiate and settle extremely quickly while they dragged out the previous relationship...the man already knew the relationship wasn't right for him the long-term far before that new woman ever stepped foot into his life.

 

At any rate, a 20 year old making a decision to having a baby is a scary thought...not only is it extremely idealistic she thinks that life goes according to a plan and control, and that this guy may either initiate a deeper commitment from the guy and then all the childhood fantasies of an idealist relationship will come true.

 

But from what I gather so far from what she's said...I think this guy is going to bail regardless of what she does. I think once he sees the reality of his 20 year old GF being pregnant, it's going to throw him in a panic..I think he'll likely want to get rid of it...and at that point whether she keeps it or not it's going to be apparent that this whole pregnancy thing can actual happen..it's not just some magical event that occurs at will when you decide it. I think that will eventually cause a reaction for him to pull away from her, even if she has the baby and he sticks around for a while for good character or whatever you want to call it....this guy is very indecisive about pregnancy and likely in large part because of how he feels for this girl and relationship, he could do the exact same thing that Drseussgrrl prior relationship did marrying the wedding planner.

 

So hopefully for your sake you make the best decision for yourself, but you're 20 years old and you haven't even told the guy you are pregnant yet which is not really a choice but a necessity...then you go from there. But ultimately I think this will cause a shift in this guy internally and emotionally will put him on the track to eventually removing himself from this relationship...I think it's going to be all too real for him, even if he comes to terms to If you choose to have the baby...the wheels are already in motion and this relationship is still quite young...you're biting off more than you can chew, you just don't realize what that really means and how much its going to change your life.

 

This guy might become a major @sshole in your future if you have this baby, then you can complain to all your friends/family about him wanting to avoid childsupport and resenting you for it and how he's such a loser and yadda yadda yadda.

[somedude81]

IMO, if you make your decision to abort solely based on keeping him, you are going to regret it for the rest of your life.

That's not a fair thing to say to her.

 

What you should have said was, "IMO, if I made a decision to abort solely based on keeping him, I would regret it for the rest of my life."

 

And even then, if you got pregnant and aborting was the only way to stay with you BF, you would choose the baby?

[Els]

That's not a fair thing to say to her.

 

What you should have said was, "IMO, if I made a decision to abort solely based on keeping him, I would regret it for the rest of my life."

 

And even then, if you got pregnant and aborting was the only way to stay with you BF, you would choose the baby?

 

1) Your hypothetical can't be answered, because it is not a possibility, in more ways than one.

2) No, I'm not talking about myself. I'm talking about her.

 

You don't make big decisions like this SOLELY because you want to keep your partner of 1.5 years. If she herself is undecided and she weighs her bf's opinion as part of the decision-making process, good. But if she wants to keep it and the only reason she chooses not to is because she's afraid she'll lose him, then yes, she will regret it. Nothing good ever comes out of making big decisions for the sole reason of being afraid that one's partner will leave them. It will only harbor resentment, and will be likely to tear them apart anyhow.

[Janesays]

*big sigh*

 

I don't know. In my experience, young Mothers generally aren't very GOOD Mothers. A lot of that is no fault of their own, too. The science that shows your brain isn't fully matured yet is real, and immaturity and Motherhood don't go hand in hand. Young Mother's aren't financially stable...which causes stress....which rubs off on the kids. Young Mothers aren't stable in their relationships....which causes them to date while they children are young...and seeing Daddy #4 walk out the door doesn't do anything good for the children. Young Mothers often feel isolated....after all their social interactions become extremely limited when they don't get invited to things because lack of babysitters (Or the money to pay for one) and they lose common ground with all their friends who are at different points in their lives.

 

But hey! Their bodies bounce back quickly!

 

I'm not saying it CAN'T work for you OP, but I think it's going to be HARD. And I think a lot of the other posters have it right when they say your boyfriend is going to be bail making it that much harder.

 

If you think you're up to the challenge, go for it. Just please try to recognize it for the challenge that it is. This will not be as easy and wonderful if you waited 8-10 years. I think the biggest issue young Mothers face is getting that 'romantic' motherhood image out of their heads. It's going to be a whole different ballgame for you. If you're OK with that, fine. If not, don't bring a baby into this world to suffer for your bad choices.

[Els]

*big sigh*

 

I don't know. In my experience, young Mothers generally aren't very GOOD Mothers. A lot of that is no fault of their own, too. The science that shows your brain isn't fully matured yet is real, and immaturity and Motherhood don't go hand in hand. Young Mother's aren't financially stable...which causes stress....which rubs off on the kids. Young Mothers aren't stable in their relationships....which causes them to date while they children are young...and seeing Daddy #4 walk out the door doesn't do anything good for the children. Young Mothers often feel isolated....after all their social interactions become extremely limited when they don't get invited to things because lack of babysitters (Or the money to pay for one) and they lose common ground with all their friends who are at different points in their lives.

 

But hey! Their bodies bounce back quickly!

 

I'm not saying it CAN'T work for you OP, but I think it's going to be HARD. And I think a lot of the other posters have it right when they say your boyfriend is going to be bail making it that much harder.

 

If you think you're up to the challenge, go for it. Just please try to recognize it for the challenge that it is. This will not be as easy and wonderful if you waited 8-10 years. I think the biggest issue young Mothers face is getting that 'romantic' motherhood image out of their heads. It's going to be a whole different ballgame for you. If you're OK with that, fine. If not, don't bring a baby into this world to suffer for your bag choices.

 

Yeah, I actually agree with this. FWIW, I do know a few young single mothers who feel they made the right choice, but all of them said without exception that it was extremely hard for them, and they had to sacrifice a lot of their life for it.

 

Even if she decides to abort in the end, OP should definitely tell her bf and judge his reaction though, rather than keeping quiet and doing it on her own as she might be considering. His reaction is going to be very telling - it's how people react during times of trouble that show you their real persona. If he bails as you and others suspect, she's much better off without him. No point in going for the long haul with someone who gives her the 'abort or I leave' ultimatum after making the choice to have sex with her.

[SoulJazzBlues]

My mother had me at 18 and I turned out fine. Nor am I an exception, a large number of my friend circles were born to young mothers and are doing okay in all kinds of fields.

 

OP, you need to tell your BF ASAP. It's s tough situation, but if you were capable of having sex then you are capable of having a grown discussion with your bf.

 

You nor anyone in this forum can predict his reaction nor is his reaction today guaranteed to be the same 6 months from now, 1 year from now and so forth. You need to make a decision on what is best for YOU.