How do I tell my BF that I'm pregnant?

[tianab]

My BF and I have been together for a year and a half and the relationship is really good. We're moving in together in a few days. I'm 20, he's 25.

 

I found out today that I'm pregnant and I have no clue what to do. I don't know if he wants kids or not. When we first got together he said that he couldn't wait to be a dad. But for the last maybe 6 months he's been saying that he never wants kids and would rather not have them. But a month ago I asked him how he would feel if I were pregnant and he said "happy, excited, scared". A week ago we were talking about pregnancy a bit and he basically said that guys shouldn't have to pay for child support if they tell the girl that he doesn't want a kid, because it's her decision to keep it or not.

 

So if he decides he doesn't want to be a dad he could break up with me and never be around. But I don't know if he'd actually do that... He's a really, really good guy. And our relationship is better than any relationship either of us have ever had. But if he doesn't want kids... I feel like the options are A) Have the baby and lose him or B) Abort the baby and maybe we'll be okay. If he tells me that abortion is what he wants I don't know if I'll be able to not do it.

 

I'm just terrified of his reaction because he is so confusing on what he wants. Saying he can't wait to be a dad, never wants to be a dad, wouldn't care, etc. Right now he is really stressed because of work. He's just finishing college and trying to find a good job. What he has right now doesn't give many hours and low pay. I don't know if I should wait until he finds something else so that he's less stressed (if he decides he wants to be a dad) or just do it now.

[Philosoraptor]

Regardless of his past conversations, fact is fact. Honestly I'd do it before you move in. That way you aren't forced to move out shortly after if he does have a "freak out" when he gets the news.

 

If you want to keep the baby don't let him influence you otherwise. The difference between a child and a boyfriend is that the baby will be your child forever, while a boyfriend can just disappear and cut ties.

[Phantom888]

You just have to tell him honestly. Are you ready to be a mom at age 20? I mean, life is hard enough as is at 20, and unless you are financially and emotionally ready, you are better off not having the kid. You and BF are not married, so he can bail out at any time. If you have the child, put him/her up for adoption. You two are not ready, and will regret later on.

[Balzac]

Surely we are all aware that no contraceptive is 100% effective. Once he agreed to have sex, he agreed to the inherent risk.

 

IF you don't understand "perfect use" this is baby #1 at 20. Inform yourself.

[tianab]

Regardless of his past conversations, fact is fact. Honestly I'd do it before you move in. That way you aren't forced to move out shortly after if he does have a "freak out" when he gets the news.

 

If you want to keep the baby don't let him influence you otherwise. The difference between a child and a boyfriend is that the baby will be your child forever, while a boyfriend can just disappear and cut ties.

 

He's moving into my place and I've been a bit worried that I'll tell him then he'll move out right after he moved in. So I guess I should tell him before he moves his stuff.

 

It's hard because we've talked about engagement and marriage a lot. He says he knows that he's going to marry me. So I'm scared to through that away.

 

You just have to tell him honestly. Are you ready to be a mom at age 20? I mean, life is hard enough as is at 20, and unless you are financially and emotionally ready, you are better off not having the kid. You and BF are not married, so he can bail out at any time. If you have the child, put him/her up for adoption. You two are not ready, and will regret later on.

 

I'm not really worried about being a mom at 21 (which I'd be when the baby is born). I know it wouldn't be easy but it's do-able. A lot of people do it. I know that I'd never be able to go through with adoption. But I have to say, even if people are married either can still bail...

 

Surely we are all aware that no contraceptive is 100% effective. Once he agreed to have sex, he agreed to the inherent risk.

 

IF you don't understand "perfect use" this is baby #1 at 20. Inform yourself.

 

I know that no birth control is 100%. I was on the depo shot and used it perfectly but knew there was still a small chance, so did he.

[NJtoDC]

Tell him. Do it quick like pulling off a bandage. Try not to assume he will react poorly. If you don't want to have an abortion or adoption, don't do it to hold on to him. If he pressures you to do something you don't want to do, he is not good for you. You took precautions, a baby was made, and unless you agreed to abort any resulting baby to honor his wishes- he has no right to hem and haw now. You BOTH made this baby.

 

Please, just tell him. Maybe it will go well and you are worrying for nothing. Wainting will not improve anything but it will drag you down at a difficult time.

 

BTW, I can relate. I was in your shoes, even the age spread. He wanted me to abort or adopt. I'm a single mother now, and he is almost completely absent. I'm happy with the choice I make.

 

I wish you the best and hope your BF turns out to be a better man than mine was.

[Zahara]

What he has right now doesn't give many hours and low pay. I don't know if I should wait until he finds something else so that he's less stressed (if he decides he wants to be a dad) or just do it now.

 

Errr...by the time that happens, you'll probably be showing? So, that's train of thought is not going to work.

 

Having a baby is stressful, no matter the situation. Whatever your fears, your only option is to tell and do it before he moves in.

[Babolat]

Tell him now, today, do not wait. Just tell him "I am pregnant". Let him respond. Stop worrying about his reaction.

[Drseussgrrl]

So a condom wasnt an option? Just saying.

 

Anyways tell him sooner rather than later to give him the opportunity to leave since he has said he doesn't want to be a dad yet.. I also wouldn't be surprised if he left.

 

...says the girl who claims that getting pregnant on accident is just another way to get him to man up and marry you.

 

I really hope he does well by you. I have very personal experience with this, so PM me if you would like to talk or need some advice.

 

Huge hugs and please don't do anything you're not 100% sure you're doing for YOU.

[Miss_raptor]

I personally you both condoms and BC with my boyfriend so... and I also said I would never trick someone into getting me pregnant to marry me.

 

Anyways like I said a condom wasn't an option for you? hmmm

Good luck and I hope you have some kind of education so if you are left single and raising a baby you can do it properly.

 

Birth control can fail, even IUDs, even condoms sometimes.

 

To OP, I know it's scary, but telling him sooner rather than later is the best option. He may freak out, but at least he'll know.

[hoping2heal]

 

It's hard because we've talked about engagement and marriage a lot. He says he knows that he's going to marry me. So I'm scared to through that away.

 

I don't know the guy, I don't even know that he actually would break up with you. What I do know for sure is that every adult is aware that choosing to be sexually active can result in pregnancy. Even when contraceptives are used often and properly. This man is no exception, he had to have known. In fact, later in your post you acknowledge that you knew the risk and so did he. The other thing I know for fact is that this child is not your "fault", nor is it solely your responsibility. This child is the responsibility of both of you, whom as consenting adults agreed to have sex.

 

Now, if this guy really would dump you for getting pregnant (Which is just as much his doing as was yours) then would you want to marry someone like that?? You're in denial there honey because any man who would do that 1. No, is not and never was serious about marrying you and 2. Not hardly worth marrying.

 

Again, I don't know the guy or that he even would react that way just because you fear it, but I do know for sure that any guy who would treat you that way is 100% an irresponsible and bonafide jackass.

[Eddie Edirol]

He's moving into my place and I've been a bit worried that I'll tell him then he'll move out right after he moved in. So I guess I should tell him before he moves his stuff.

 

It's hard because we've talked about engagement and marriage a lot. He says he knows that he's going to marry me. So I'm scared to through that away.

 

You cant control what he will feel about a kid. You just have to decide what you will do whether or not he wants what you want. Its really too soon for both of you, especially when youre this unsure about your relationship, but I'll tell you this much, no one wants to be tied down before their ready. Either youre with him, or youre on your own. You have to think of what you would do on your own abortion or not. Just know this, not many young relationships survive when a baby is thrown into the mix, so what you have here now most likely wont be forever. Keep that in mind.

[hoping2heal]

So a condom wasnt an option? Just saying.

 

Anyways tell him sooner rather than later to give him the opportunity to leave since he has said he doesn't want to be a dad yet.. I also wouldn't be surprised if he left.

 

If BF were to say to me "Hey, let's have a baby this year" my reaction would be "hail to the no". But, if I became pregnant my reaction would be far from "oh god get it away from me." No way, I would take that baby and love it for all I could and raise it well. It's one thing to prefer not to have a child or not to have one yet, it's another when that child isn't a hypothetical notion but an actual being into existence.

 

I don't know what your deal is but your tone is almost accusatory as if this poster has done something wrong. Yeah, she could have suggested that he also used a condom and guess what? So could he have. The onus is FAR from placed on the OP alone. They're both equally responsible and there's no bones about it. Again, he said he doesn't want to be a Dad yet..but it's totally different when you're actually going to be a Dad. If this guy would turn his back on his own child then fk him because he'd offer OP nothing in terms of a quality partner or future husband.

[hoping2heal]

You cant control what he will feel about a kid. You just have to decide what you will do whether or not he wants what you want. Its really too soon for both of you, especially when youre this unsure about your relationship, but I'll tell you this much, no one wants to be tied down before their ready. Either youre with him, or youre on your own. You have to think of what you would do on your own abortion or not. Just know this, not many young relationships survive when a baby is thrown into the mix, so what you have here now most likely wont be forever. Keep that in mind.

 

Not many relationships with young or old aged partners survive when one or both parents are self-absorbed people who cannot see an inch past their own nose to consider the needs of either child or their partner. Granted, younger people are more obsessed with with this "me, me, me, it's all about me" mentality but if two people can put themselves aside and think in terms of what's best for baby and one another, it can and does work out.

[hoping2heal]

I'm just saying condoms and bc hardly fail.

 

Right, but he's not a deaf, dumb, blind and mute ape is he?? Is there some reason you made the condescending remark about using a condom towards her, like this is her fault?? It's not, big daddy bone over there could have suggested a condom too.

 

What ends up happening to this girl and her relationship I don't care a lot. I mean good luck but he could for sue leave and a lot of guys would if they said they weren't ready. It isn't like it's the most unlikely thing.

 

Yes, sadly there are alot of immature, self-absorbed, whiney little men child running around in this day and age who abandon their children. It's a pity and it does happen. Before this seems to man bashing; there are alot of women doing the same. However, those type of men are not worth dating, they aren't worth screwing, and they certainly are not worth marrying. So, if he were to actually leave then it would be of no great loss to her.

[tianab]

I would have to say that losing your baby's daddy would be a loss especially since she will be 20 with probably no education trying to raise a kid to be a decent law abiding citizen. Actually if you want to get into it there are stats about kids raised by single moms and the type of people they are likely to turn out to be (especially when the mom is young and not as educated).

 

Where did I say that I have no education? I'm in the final year of my bachelors. I'm going for my Masters after. And yes it will probably take an extra year or two if I have the baby but when I'm done I'll be making about $70,000/year as a starting wage. Yes, we could have used condoms but we didn't.

[somedude81]

I know that no birth control is 100%. I was on the depo shot and used it perfectly but knew there was still a small chance, so did he.

Damn that sucks.

 

My GF is going to get on the shot pretty soon and to hear that you can still get pregnant on it is very scary. I absolutely do not want her to get pregnant. Neither of us is even remotely ready to be parents. She is against abortion and will want to have the baby if she does get pregnant.

 

It bugs me to hell that so many women just can't accept that having a baby when both she and the guy are not ready for having a kid that it is a horrible idea. The logical decision is to get an abortion and continue living along till everyone is ready to be a parent. Having an abortion does not mean you will never get pregnant again.

[sillyanswer]

"Honey we need to talk I'm pregnant." should be a good place to start.

 

Good luck!

[tianab]

Yeah I'm sure at 20 you are in your final year of a bachelors...

 

18-19 Year 1

19-20 Year 2

20-21 Year 3

 

Bachelors are 3 years.

[Star Gazer]

18-19 Year 1

19-20 Year 2

20-21 Year 3

 

Bachelors are 3 years.

 

That's impressive.

 

In the US, they're usually at least 4 years with a full load each semester/quarter, and requires some summer school; that said, these days it usually takes 5-6 to graduate.

[Star Gazer]

Actually if you want to get into it there are stats about kids raised by single moms and the type of people they are likely to turn out to be (especially when the mom is young and not as educated).

 

I was born to a single mother with a high school diploma. I was the first in my family to go to college. I just turned 35 and I have been an attorney for over 10 years. Now what?

 

You're just jealous because the OP has what you want.

[clia]

Even in the US it's possible to be 20 when starting your fourth year of college, if you have a late birthday. I was 20 when I started my senior year.

 

IIB, I don't know why you have to be so nasty to anyone who posts they are pregnant. I mean, I know you are dying for a baby, but you should really work on dialing back the jealousy.

[FitChick]

If you have no ambition, then have the kid. It will be your excuse as to why you never did anything or went anywhere. The boyfriend will bail and good luck finding another one as a single mother.

 

I think a good test of the boyfriend's character and commitment to you would be helping you through the abortion, caring for you afterward and then being diligent with birth control. It should spur him on to working hard and saving money so you could be married later on when you are both ready. Having a child should be a decision made by both parents. You are young and have plenty of time to pump out babies.

[Drseussgrrl]

If you have no ambition, then have the kid. It will be your excuse as to why you never did anything or went anywhere. The boyfriend will bail and good luck finding another one as a single mother.

 

I think a good test of the boyfriend's character and commitment to you would be helping you through the abortion, caring for you afterward and then being diligent with birth control. It should spur him on to working hard and saving money so you could be married later on when you are both ready. Having a child should be a decision made by both parents. You are young and have plenty of time to pump out babies.

 

I had an abortion when I got pregnant by my ex because he wasn't ready and wanted to go to grad school. We lived together for three years after that, got engaged, and within three months of our wedding he broke up with me for the wedding planner.

 

 

She got prego within 7 months of our breaking up, had their baby and he married her on the spot.

 

 

There isn't a single day that goes by that I don't regret that decision and wonder what we might have become as a family. It haunts me to this day and I have spent the last two years mourning that baby and the life we could have had.

[Drseussgrrl]

And IIB, with as Christian and prolife you claim to be I'm shocked that you "liked" that post.