ntovrhm Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 All right, this is my first topic post. Something has been driving me CRAZY about this guy I have been dating the past 2 1/2 months. We've taken things pretty slow, but are at the point where we are talking almost everyday, and e-mailing and text messaging a lot. When I try to pin him down to make some sort of definitive plan with me, it seems like I'm trying to pull teeth. I know that I probably a little anal when it comes to figuring out what what I am doing on a particular Thurs-Sat night, but I'm not even asking to set up anything specific to do, just to plan a night when we are going to definitely see each other! Usually when we have gone out in the past, it has been planned that early evening, but I could make plans with my friends for every night I am not doing something if I wanted to. I like to make plans in advance (a day or two, or at least earlier on in the day) because I hate to think that my friends think that I am keeping them as a back-up plan. I am beginning to feel like his back-up plan. I have tried to discuss it with him before, and he said he understood, but it hasn't gotten any better. I know he likes me. (Please no comments to read "He's just not that into you", cause I am trying to assess that separately on my own but need a little more time). As I am too understand it, he had this issue with his last relationship as well (not making time for just her, her thinking he would rather be with his friends when he was with her.) Also, we have been on very few dates where we have have spent the evening out alone (either we are with my friends or his). Sorry if this is a little disjointed. I guess what I am asking is : Is it too much to ask these days to want someone to plan ahead to be with you? Is this a common guy thing? Or am I being too anal?
bluechocolate Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 Is it too much to ask these days to want someone to plan ahead to be with you? No, of course not. If fact it can be vital to being able to sustain a healthy relationship. Is this a common guy thing? I dont' think so. Make yourself unavailable. When he calls to do something say that you're busy until <a couple of nights later> but can go out with him and then, and then gage his reaction. If he says he'll call you that day to do something insist that he tell you then & there that you WILL do something that night. In my opinion if he was really into you (ha!) he would want to plan ahead & he would want to do things alone with you. I don't think it is a good sign that you mostly see each other in the company of others. Usually when a friend starts seeing someone new it's like they dropped off the face of the earth because they're spending all of their spare time with the new guy/girl! It's early days for you two & it just may be that you're not compatible. Either way I think it's important not to establish patterns early on that you know you don't like.
gwennebe Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 I would suggest being unavailiable also. Maybe he'll get the hint that your time is valuable and your life doesn't revolve around him and he'll either change to be with you or if he doesn't then sc*ew him you'll find someone that does value your time.
Author ntovrhm Posted October 28, 2004 Author Posted October 28, 2004 Thanks for your thoughtful replies. I did make myself unavailable last week, and he had tried to make plans with me on Friday night, but I was already out doing my own thing. I told him that had he made plans with me earlier, I might have been able to do something with him. The next day he did ask me out earlier in the day for the night. He said on Sat that he got the hint. But I don't fully think he has. I'm going to see him tonight to hang out, and then just start going about my life like I normally do. I know he knows that this is an issue with me. The funny thing is that one time when he called me out of the blue to do something, and I didn't answer because because I was already out, he seemed perturbed. That's why I don't think its that he doesn't want to spend time with me. Not that we're exclusive yet, but I don't think he is seeing anyone else either. I guess I'll just have to see what he does in the next few weeks, then decide whether I want out. Maybe we just aren't compatible, like bluechocolate suggested.
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