ExpatInItaly Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 I was initially shocked and then asked him I think 3x to stay with me and change his plans, when he would not I got mad & sulked in another room in the house while he packed up all his things. We kissed goodbye & he left. Later he texted me and I didn't respond for 2 hours and then was sorta cold to him. He asked if I wanted to see him that night and I said the next day would be better (I felt he was taking me for granted & being inconsiderate since he never told me of these plans) so I wanted him to have some distance from me (maybe to value me more?). He texted later that night that he had to leave suddenly because of a water leak at his house. Wow, did all that foolishness backfire on me!! If he really did have plans to see relatives, I can understand why he'd be upset that you asked him many times to change his plans and got your nose out of joint when he said no. I wouldn't stand for that either, especially so early in a relationship. But you did the right thing by apologizing and owning up to your part in it. I think you've done all you can do for now.
SantistaUSA Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 sure, I guess anything is possible, but from our interactions (he's clearly been into me) it does not seem possible that he can be that intense with me and have someone else too...plus he said he has not cheated in relationships before. Sorry to break this to you, but you would be surprised how people can act and lie without any remorse! I was one of them! Not saying that he was seeing someone else, the way you handled was wrong but it is still suspicious, specially been out of town, how far away does he lives from you? Also don't apologize anymore, you've done it several times so he knows you feel bad, if you keep doing so it will just make you look weak.
Author Ok Good Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 If he really did have plans to see relatives, I can understand why he'd be upset that you asked him many times to change his plans and got your nose out of joint when he said no. I wouldn't stand for that either, especially so early in a relationship. But you did the right thing by apologizing and owning up to your part in it. I think you've done all you can do for now. Thank you, and this now is the really really hard part, calming myself down, manage how much I am missing him and not worry about the future
Author Ok Good Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 Sorry to break this to you, but you would be surprised how people can act and lie without any remorse! I was one of them! Not saying that he was seeing someone else, the way you handled was wrong but it is still suspicious, specially been out of town, how far away does he lives from you? Also don't apologize anymore, you've done it several times so he knows you feel bad, if you keep doing so it will just make you look weak. Yeah I know people can be that way but I don't think he's a smooth enough character. I think his reason for leaving was legitimate his timing just sucked and I over-reacted big time. At this point, I am leaving him alone, and it will be great if he comes back because this might be good relationship-growing pains.
jphcbpa Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 worst case is you chalk this up to a learning experience on holding your emotions and taking things too personal. 1
Phantom888 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 I don't think OP acted unreasonably. I mean, she took a day off from work, and he basically told her last minute that he had other plans. I'd be mad too! It's unreasonable and disrespectful. If he chooses to use this incident as a reason to break up, then he was never committed to this relationship in the first place. BTW, how old are you guys? 3
Author Ok Good Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 I don't think OP acted unreasonably. I mean, she took a day off from work, and he basically told her last minute that he had other plans. I'd be mad too! It's unreasonable and disrespectful. If he chooses to use this incident as a reason to break up, then he was never committed to this relationship in the first place. BTW, how old are you guys? Thank you! That was what set me off but I could have handled it better. We're both in our mid-40's
Author Ok Good Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Well he texted me late last night a funny personal joke between us which implies that he still wants to be with me (even if he is only saying it indirectly). I didn't get it until this morning & I checked and he's still very active on an dating site... sigh, I just don't know what to make of all this...or how to respond to him
Author Ok Good Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 I haven't answered his text because after such limited response between us to send me a joke late at night still doesn't show great intent on his part, or am I reading this all wrong? (frankly its hard to tell anymore)
Author Ok Good Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 So I texted him back yesterday a light response to his funny joke and have not heard from him since...I am still in great despair...
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 So I texted him back yesterday a light response to his funny joke and have not heard from him since...I am still in great despair... He doesn't seem to care at this point. The quicker you accept that, the quicker you can start getting better and use this as a learning experience. Delete his number and if he ever comes back ready for dialogue take it from there. However I'd be very leery of getting involved with someone who can switch off his feelings just like that. You might have had a lucky escape not getting more involved with someone with potential commitment/emotional issues.
Author Ok Good Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 ...However I'd be very leery of getting involved with someone who can switch off his feelings just like that. You might have had a lucky escape not getting more involved with someone with potential commitment/emotional issues. Yes, he actually admitted early on that this was a major fault of his...so I knew this going in...but don't we all have some type of commitment/emotional issues? I felt that at least we could try to see...we have potential at becoming a really good couple (very compatible in many areas)...it just seems such a waste after all this effort to let something good (that maybe could have been great) die...sometimes I just hate how hard & unfair life is.
Zahara Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Yes, he actually admitted early on that this was a major fault of his...so I knew this going in...but don't we all have some type of commitment/emotional issues? I felt that at least we could try to see...we have potential at becoming a really good couple (very compatible in many areas)...it just seems such a waste after all this effort to let something good (that maybe could have been great) die...sometimes I just hate how hard & unfair life is. I'm sorry. It is hard and unfair. I've experienced a man like this, twice. And it can be hard to accept what you believe to be a great thing when they don't see it your way. But that says it all, if it was a good thing, it would work. How could it be great with all the emotional/commitment issues, regardless of what YOU believe to be compatibility? What you've seen is the surface. That's why you believe it would have been great. You're basing potential on the very little time you've spent with him. Don't idealize this. As I said before, people show you very little of who they really are in the beginning stages. Try not to keep painting this perfect picture. You're only creating additional, unrealistic disappointments in your head.
Author Ok Good Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 I'm sorry. It is hard and unfair. I've experienced a man like this, twice. And it can be hard to accept what you believe to be a great thing when they don't see it your way. But that says it all, if it was a good thing, it would work. How could it be great with all the emotional/commitment issues, regardless of what YOU believe to be compatibility? What you've seen is the surface. That's why you believe it would have been great. You're basing potential on the very little time you've spent with him. Don't idealize this. As I said before, people show you very little of who they really are in the beginning stages. Try not to keep painting this perfect picture. You're only creating additional, unrealistic disappointments in your head. wow, I'm sorry for you that you've had to experience this type of episode twice That makes me even more terrified to ever get out there and try again! But I admire your courage I agree I don't know him very well (but the prospect of getting to know him better just seemed like fun) and absolutely because this 180 degree shift in what was happening between us came out of nowhere for me, I can't help but idealize...I was right in the middle of being in this rosy space with him when everything collapsed Sometimes I envy arranged marriages because you just have to deal with whatever has been given you and work it out, rather than all this "kick him to the curb, next, move on" type philosophy...I hate feeling that anyone (including me) is that disposable.
Zahara Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 wow, I'm sorry for you that you've had to experience this type of episode twice That makes me even more terrified to ever get out there and try again! But I admire your courage I agree I don't know him very well (but the prospect of getting to know him better just seemed like fun) and absolutely because this 180 degree shift in what was happening between us came out of nowhere for me, I can't help but idealize...I was right in the middle of being in this rosy space with him when everything collapsed Sometimes I envy arranged marriages because you just have to deal with whatever has been given you and work it out, rather than all this "kick him to the curb, next, move on" type philosophy...I hate feeling that anyone (including me) is that disposable. Don't be terrified. Use this as a lesson. Sometimes we need to learn from the bad in order to make better choices in the future. Yes, it's always fun during the honeymoon period. People at their best. You get to languish in the glow of finally meeting a great guy. And when you fall in the midst of all that, it is even harder to heal and move on from because what could have been never materialized and you're left wondering why, what, who, when and how. It's harder to let go of all those questions in your head. In my younger days, my mother tried to arrange marriages for me. I've had friends go through that. It isn't the best either. You have to be in a certain mindset to want, accept and live that way of life.
Author Ok Good Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 ...Yes, it's always fun during the honeymoon period. People at their best. You get to languish in the glow of finally meeting a great guy. And when you fall in the midst of all that, it is even harder to heal and move on from because what could have been never materialized and you're left wondering why, what, who, when and how. It's harder to let go of all those questions in your head. thank you for this (validation in my time of woe has been comforting), the pain of letting go of a great potential is absolutely brutal, possibly it's easier when there has been some clear sign that says its time to bounce...not my fate unfortunately
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Yes, he actually admitted early on that this was a major fault of his...so I knew this going in...but don't we all have some type of commitment/emotional issues? I felt that at least we could try to see...we have potential at becoming a really good couple (very compatible in many areas)...it just seems such a waste after all this effort to let something good (that maybe could have been great) die...sometimes I just hate how hard & unfair life is. No, not everyone is a commitment-phobe. And turning this cold, this quick, on someone you are romantically involved with, for no real reason, shows a sadistic trait. Because it is f*@ing hurtful.
Author Ok Good Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Time to "think" about what??? The fact that you took a day off to spend time with him and out of the BLUE, he suddenly has a "relative" he needs to visit? So big damned deal, you sulked when he pulled his surprise "relative" visit on you and refused to budge on this oh-so-important (and oh-so-sudden) visit when you asked him to reconsider and spend the day with you. He's an insensitive dumbass for blowing you off after knowing you took the day off to be with him. Like Phantom said, I don't see that you did anything terribly wrong, other than be ticked off and insulted with this jackass behavior. Quite honestly, I don't believe for a SECOND this guy was visiting a relative. He no doubt still has his fishing pole cast wide on the dating site. He either planned a day date in the area with someone from the dating site, or he didn't really have a visit planned at all that day with a relative and just wanted to make a hasty exit from you after spending the night. I'd be willing to bet he's probably been on the dating site the entire time you both agreed to suspend your profiles while you got to know each other. You probably had no reason to check the dating site before this problem came up, or you more than likely would have found him on it active as ever. This guy is a real piece of work. First he blows you off to visit his supposed Aunt Tilly when you took the day off to be with him, then he uses the minor misunderstanding that followed as a way to cut ties with you - and so conveniently RIGHT after you had sex with him. He couldn't be MORE transparent if he tried. i did check a couple of times after we agreed to suspend our accts and his was inactive... His aged parent lives in the area and he often would visit them first before coming to see me, when can you trust that someone is being truthful rather than being suspicious of everything they say? My instincts said that he was telling the truth...if he was lying how can I even trust my instincts again?? In any case, I texted him back 2 days ago and have heard nothing from him since
Author Ok Good Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Its really incredible to me that he would go through SO MUCH EFFORT to get me to be comfortable with him & care about him just FOR SEX...is sex all so compelling to put someone through such charades just to get laid?
clia Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 But how much effort was it, really? You saw him five times over the course of two months, including two weekends spent together. In the grand scheme...that's not a whole lot.
Zahara Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Yes, it is not uncommon. Besides, he didn't really do much when all you had were 5 dates in a the span of two months.
Author Ok Good Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 Yes, it is not uncommon. Besides, he didn't really do much when all you had were 5 dates in a the span of two months. He called and texted me daily and showed concern and caring for me. Also he gave me some sweet gifts when we saw each other...I don't mean to sound defensive or in denial its just I'm trying to understand when I can trust when a guy is being sincere with me.
BluEyeL Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I don't think OP acted unreasonably. I mean, she took a day off from work, and he basically told her last minute that he had other plans. I'd be mad too! It's unreasonable and disrespectful. If he chooses to use this incident as a reason to break up, then he was never committed to this relationship in the first place. BTW, how old are you guys? It doesn't matter that she was right, the relationship is new, she should not throw tantrums (not that she should throw tantrums later, but later she might be forgiven a bit easier for one misstep) over anything, no matter how right she was. It doesn't mean she shouldn't bring problems up, but just very briefly and not too emotional and accusatory. Plus, the distance is a problem, their dates were too long, he got bored of her and when she complained and came with the n+1 emails and music and all that drama, he decided he doesn't need that. I don't think he was in it to get laid, but I think he liked her, but just lost interest after too much time together and her emotional reactions. To built trust and a relationship, OP, you need to take it slow and do not over react. It's not about who is right and who is not right. Like they say, would you rather be right, or happy? Or you do it your way and let me know how that works out.
BluEyeL Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 He called and texted me daily and showed concern and caring for me. Also he gave me some sweet gifts when we saw each other...I don't mean to sound defensive or in denial its just I'm trying to understand when I can trust when a guy is being sincere with me. He was sincere, he just lost interest. It happens. You are going to meet someone else, just act more reserved next time and do not do marathon dates.
Author Ok Good Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 To built trust and a relationship, OP, you need to take it slow and do not over react. It's not about who is right and who is not right. Like they say, would you rather be right, or happy? Or you do it your way and let me know how that works out. This has been the lesson I have now learned all too well...
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