Ok Good Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Met this wonderful guy OLD 2 months ago and we started dating (5 great dates since he lives out of town, the last 2 times our dates were more marathon weekend-long type events), he came on strong and very sure of his feelings for me. I have been more reserved but after our last visit I really fell for him! But as he was leaving after our last weekend together we had this major misunderstanding that seems to really pushed him away. The first day after he left I sent him several texts apologizing if I had done something wrong and a few emails sharing with him how I felt about him and he only returned breadcrumbs. Since yesterday he has been silent with me (we last saw each other 5 days ago) but since he left he has been SUPER active (like actively online there for HOURS) on the dating site we met on!! (We had agreed to suspend our accts to give this relationship a chance.) I am very sadly feeling like I have to go NC since he won't really talk to me. I honestly don't know what happened but our last texts suggested that he is still considering our relationship, but I know its foolish to wait Is this fairly common behavior in a new dating relationship (my first time in several years trying to do this)? Because if it is I don't know if I can keep putting my heart out like this just to let it get crushed... any words of encouragement or support would be so appreciated!
Phantom888 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 What was the misunderstanding? Did you have sex with him already? Was exclusivity discussed? Need more information. Does he appear to be commitment-minded, or a fling?
Author Ok Good Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 Yes he was willing to go exclusive before we first had sex (which we've now done). The misunderstanding was that I thought we would spend the day together (I had told him I had taken the day off) since he's not in town often and he suddenly said he had to visit a relative who also lives in town. It took me by complete surprise that he hadn't told me and I got mad at him, but didn't yell or anything, just expressed that I was really disappointed. Then he tried to contact me later in the day, and I was still mad & hurt and said I didn't want to see him that day. (He then left the next day suddenly...)
Author Ok Good Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 he seemed very commitment-minded by all the future talk of what we would do together...he seemed really into me
Author Ok Good Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 thank you for the hard news... yes, we had sex (more like lovemaking actually) the last time Is it really just only about that?? He seemed to really really like me & we related so well... I thought he over-reacted as well but he won't talk to me!
ExpatInItaly Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 thank you for the hard news... yes, we had sex (more like lovemaking actually) the last time Is it really just only about that?? He seemed to really really like me & we related so well... I thought he over-reacted as well but he won't talk to me! Maybe he was looking for an out. Perhaps he wasn't as committed as he let on, and he's using this misunderstanding as a ticket to explore other options. In any case, if you've already reached out to him multiple times and gotten almost nothing in return, in addition to seeing his spike in activity on the dating site, it's time to walk away. You deserve better than that 2
Phantom888 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Some men (not all) in the online dating world put up fronts to get a woman into bed. Then they would make excuses to break up after a few weeks. My guess is that he used this incident to break off the connection. Since he lives so far away, you can't really go after him and demand anything. For him, "no contact" is the easiest way to break it off. I'm sorry you had to experience this. Just know that not all men are like this online. He totally convinced you that he's looking for a relationship. Many women here can attest to how men manipulate them into thinking a certain way. I hope your experience gets better next time. Don't be discouraged. 1
BluEyeL Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Your only recourse is to go no contact. He decided you were "crazy" because you confronted him about the plans. Do not react at the beginning of a relationship when you are upset, just pull back a little. Do not talk too much, do not express anger and dissapointment. Do not show you have expectations for him to give more, be closer to you than he is etc. Otherwise you'll be labeled crazy over and over again. I know it's not fair, I'm just giving you practical advice. 2
Author Ok Good Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 Maybe he was looking for an out. Perhaps he wasn't as committed as he let on, and he's using this misunderstanding as a ticket to explore other options. In any case, if you've already reached out to him multiple times and gotten almost nothing in return, in addition to seeing his spike in activity on the dating site, it's time to walk away. You deserve better than that Thank you so much for your kind words as harsh as their reality may be...I have never experienced something so brutal like this before.
Author Ok Good Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 Your only recourse is to go no contact. He decided you were "crazy" because you confronted him about the plans. Do not react at the beginning of a relationship when you are upset, just pull back a little. Do not talk too much, do not express anger and dissapointment. Do not show you have expectations for him to give more, be closer to you than he is etc. Otherwise you'll be labeled crazy over and over again. I know it's not fair, I'm just giving you practical advice. Thank you! I have a feeling that is what pushed us over the edge was my silly over-reaction & then his over-reaction to me (I know him well enough to know that he still cares about me, that's the awful part of all this).
Axee Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Why are you having serious conversations over Text??? .. You call him ! !..
Author Ok Good Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 Why are you having serious conversations over Text??? .. You call him ! !.. he says he needs time to think...
Axee Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 I suspect there is more to this story.. OP have you repeatedly begged him in last couple of days that he has turned silent? Your reaction will not be a reason for him to leave you if he really likes you. Give him some time and he will be back.. Else as some people have said, it was just a front , has happened to me where all the right words are said with zero actions.. 1
Author Ok Good Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 I called him a couple of times when all this first went down, he always answered but not then, I just could leave a message asking him to call me...he never has (so far) oh, I feel so miserable about all this, I really blame myself for being immature & foolish
Author Ok Good Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 I suspect there is more to this story.. OP have you repeatedly begged him in last couple of days that he has turned silent? Your reaction will not be a reason for him to leave you if he really likes you. Give him some time and he will be back.. Else as some people have said, it was just a front , has happened to me where all the right words are said with zero actions.. Thank you! He has never come out & said that he doesn't want to see me again, just his presence on the online dating site makes me sad & insecure. And thank goodness, I never begged him for anything. I just let him know that I was sorry for whatever I did that made him go cold and sent him some music about how I feel about him (something he had done with me in the past). My last text to him a couple of days ago was merely that I would be willing to try to set things right if I knew what the problem was, that's when he said he needed time to think.
BluEyeL Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Thank you! He has never come out & said that he doesn't want to see me again, just his presence on the online dating site makes me sad & insecure. And thank goodness, I never begged him for anything. I just let him know that I was sorry for whatever I did that made him go cold and sent him some music about how I feel about him (something he had done with me in the past). My last text to him a couple of days ago was merely that I would be willing to try to set things right if I knew what the problem was, that's when he said he needed time to think. You did too much. Act much colder!!! Whenever you feel the urge to share strong feelings, don't !! Reciprocate what he does at the exact same level, it's a formula for success!! If this one comes back do as I say, if not, don't act emotional in your next relationship, just reciprocate his level of intensity! 2
Author Ok Good Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 You did too much. Act much colder!!! Whenever you feel the urge to share strong feelings, don't !! Reciprocate what he does at the exact same level, it's a formula for success!! If this one comes back do as I say, if not, don't act emotional in your next relationship, just reciprocate his level of intensity! You are so right, I acted impulsively and didn't follow what I know is the better path...I did pretty good earlier in our dating, but of course, I let my guard down clearly way too soon.
clia Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Yes he was willing to go exclusive before we first had sex (which we've now done). The misunderstanding was that I thought we would spend the day together (I had told him I had taken the day off) since he's not in town often and he suddenly said he had to visit a relative who also lives in town. It took me by complete surprise that he hadn't told me and I got mad at him, but didn't yell or anything, just expressed that I was really disappointed. Then he tried to contact me later in the day, and I was still mad & hurt and said I didn't want to see him that day. (He then left the next day suddenly...) From what you posted, I'm not convinced he was using you for sex or didn't care. I just think that you created drama where it wasn't warranted early on in the relationship, and it snapped him back to reality and made him stop and think about where things were going. I don't know anything more about the situation than what you posted here, but while you describe it as a "misunderstanding," you treated it like he did something wrong (made plans to visit a relative) and then you punished him for it by saying you didn't want to see him. If it truly was just a "misunderstanding," you should've merely laughed it off, said "That's fine, go visit your relative! I will take advantage of my day off to go buy some new shoes and see you later today!" (Or whatever.) I'm not advocating hiding your feelings -- I think it would've been fine to say that you were disappointed because you wanted to spend the whole day with him, and then dropped the issue. It just doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me. Creating drama early in a relationship is a stellar way to quickly turn a guy off. Early on, it is easy for a guy to go from hot to cold. They think -- "I don't need this. I don't even know what I did wrong." They much prefer the light and carefree woman who can roll with the punches when there is a misunderstanding and doesn't sulk and punish them. I mean, at two months in, he doesn't have much invested here. It's not too hard to decide "You know what, I don't think I like this so much. How is she going to react if I really screw up?" His presence on the dating sites is not a good sign -- he is definitely taking a look at his options. I don't know that he's necessarily broken up with you yet. It seems like that might be a bit premature to say, but at this point you should step way back and give him his space. He may come back. If he does, treat it as a learning experience. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Hm. What was your reaction when he told you he was going to see relatives? Be honest
jphcbpa Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 feels like he was seeing someone else, not a family member. it this possible? 2
BluEyeL Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 You are so right, I acted impulsively and didn't follow what I know is the better path...I did pretty good earlier in our dating, but of course, I let my guard down clearly way too soon. That's OK, you're learning, and I guarantee there are going to be others. Just do better next time, or if this one comes back. I can't stress enough how important is not to act on impulses. You'll learn!!
Author Ok Good Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 From what you posted, I'm not convinced he was using you for sex or didn't care. I just think that you created drama where it wasn't warranted early on in the relationship, and it snapped him back to reality and made him stop and think about where things were going. I don't know anything more about the situation than what you posted here, but while you describe it as a "misunderstanding," you treated it like he did something wrong (made plans to visit a relative) and then you punished him for it by saying you didn't want to see him. If it truly was just a "misunderstanding," you should've merely laughed it off, said "That's fine, go visit your relative! I will take advantage of my day off to go buy some new shoes and see you later today!" (Or whatever.) I'm not advocating hiding your feelings -- I think it would've been fine to say that you were disappointed because you wanted to spend the whole day with him, and then dropped the issue. It just doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me. Creating drama early in a relationship is a stellar way to quickly turn a guy off. Early on, it is easy for a guy to go from hot to cold. They think -- "I don't need this. I don't even know what I did wrong." They much prefer the light and carefree woman who can roll with the punches when there is a misunderstanding and doesn't sulk and punish them. I mean, at two months in, he doesn't have much invested here. It's not too hard to decide "You know what, I don't think I like this so much. How is she going to react if I really screw up?" His presence on the dating sites is not a good sign -- he is definitely taking a look at his options. I don't know that he's necessarily broken up with you yet. It seems like that might be a bit premature to say, but at this point you should step way back and give him his space. He may come back. If he does, treat it as a learning experience. I completely get NOW that I turned into an entitled drama queen (I wish I had a time machine to correct that course!) and clearly see your point. I'm working on my immaturity but sometimes its a tough battle. This is a really good guy and I am hoping that space will allow him not to do anything foolish & hopefully give us a try. If he does come back, should I apologize for my drama or just let sleeping dogs lie?
BluEyeL Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 You can apologize, but in as few words as possible. Literally, try to write a sentence of up to 5 words and don't say anything more. Then resume and hold off the drama next time he does things differently than you expect. 1
Author Ok Good Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 Hm. What was your reaction when he told you he was going to see relatives? Be honest I was initially shocked and then asked him I think 3x to stay with me and change his plans, when he would not I got mad & sulked in another room in the house while he packed up all his things. We kissed goodbye & he left. Later he texted me and I didn't respond for 2 hours and then was sorta cold to him. He asked if I wanted to see him that night and I said the next day would be better (I felt he was taking me for granted & being inconsiderate since he never told me of these plans) so I wanted him to have some distance from me (maybe to value me more?). He texted later that night that he had to leave suddenly because of a water leak at his house. Wow, did all that foolishness backfire on me!!
Author Ok Good Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 feels like he was seeing someone else, not a family member. it this possible? sure, I guess anything is possible, but from our interactions (he's clearly been into me) it does not seem possible that he can be that intense with me and have someone else too...plus he said he has not cheated in relationships before.
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