HopingAgain Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 I have read about and heard a lot about the 180 which is what many BSs eventually resort to as a last attempt to save their marriage, or just to move on with their lives after marriage. Has anyone here done this? what were your results, if so? I actually googled the term to find out more information, but did not get much. Does anyone here have an adequate description of what this IS or what it ISN'T?
underwater2010 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 From what I have read about the 180 it seems kinda like a game. But with some great benefits. 1
underwater2010 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 So here's the list: Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. No frequent phone calls. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. Don't follow her/him around the house. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. Don't ask for reassurances. Don't buy or give gifts. Don't schedule dates together. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! Don't be overly enthusiastic. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."
underwater2010 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 If the BS is codependent then this is a great tool. It forces one to become more independent and makes the WS realize what they had to lose which forces them to either pursue the relationship or leave. Of course if the BS was a crappy spouse it would just validate the WS's excuses for the affair.
Author HopingAgain Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 So here's the list: Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. No frequent phone calls. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. Don't follow her/him around the house. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. Don't ask for reassurances. Don't buy or give gifts. Don't schedule dates together. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! Don't be overly enthusiastic. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." Thanks for this list! I already see some of this stuff that I've already done since Dday, but there were a few others that were eye openers and depending on our progress (or lack of) I may be implementing more of these!
underwater2010 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 I will say the hardest ones for me are: No frequent phone calls. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! We are that couple that talks multiple times a day and always end a conversation with I Love You. But even living by those rules a majority of the time....makes a difference. It brought back the "chase" in our relationship. It also let him know how much he hurt me.
Snowflower Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 good topic! The hardest thing with the 180 is that it is so counter intuitive. Your spouse has pulled away, maybe is talking divorce, acting oddly, etc. Our first instinct is to ask them what is wrong, we want to talk to them and make things better. I think the 180 is brilliant though. I don't think it is a game so much as a tool to help an 'abandoned' spouse with what he/she needs to do to survive emotionally alone. If the 180 causes the WS to stop and take a look at what is happening with their BS (because face it, most 180s are because of the walk away spouse is having an affair), then that is an added benefit. Either way, the BS/abandoned spouse will gain something from it by emotional distance and independence or the renewed interest of the distant spouse. I wish I had known about the 180 when I went through all that cr!p with my H. I did pretty much everything wrong.
ladydesigner Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 I had to do the 180 to save my sanity, but in the end it brought me back to ME. Now that WH and I are in REAL reconciliation I sort of do parts of the 180 that work for me and not as a way to punish him. It keeps my life from becoming enmeshed with his. Usually it is used to help the BS detach from the WS so that they can think with more clarity and less emotion.
Confused48 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 The 180 is a game?! A tool?! Ok, yes, then I agree it is stupid and destined to fail. If that is your attitude about it then you need help and help wont be enough. Sorry, I guess I'm not on topic here b/c posters that think the 180 is a game or tool and as such can help them. That attitude will not benefit you. I lived for months with an unrepentant WS. I hoped that WS would see the light and really truly be sorry. WS gradually did become more aware. But it was slow. And painful to me. There was a tipping point where I could not take it anymore. I moved out. I intended to never return. It was not a game. It was not manipulation. I was not coming back. In the end WS won me back. For today. Tomorrow is up to negotiation. Don't use the 180 as a game or you will lose that game. You hold all the cards or you don't. If you don't then just spread your legs and or roll over. Its not a game if you hold all the cards. 2
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