can I salvage this...i had an affair

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Hi, thanks for all of the replies. They, of course, are hard to hear, but I know that this forum is not for light, fluffy discussion, but rather for truth. I don't feel like most of you so far are just trying to bash, I know that you are trying to give your opinions in a constructive way.

 

I won't use the word mistake anymore, but I think it is very interesting that people are offended by this...I think it stems from not knowing the whole definition. Here is the definition by dictionary.com: "an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc." here are some synonyms: inaccuracy, erratum, fault, oversight, blunder, error, slip

 

I made a "mistake" meaning that I made an error in action caused by poor reasoning and carelessness. I knew that this was a bad choice among all of my choices, and yet I did it. Yes, you can make mistakes because you are misguided or did not have sufficient knowledge, but that is not what I meant. Here is another analogy that people often use that is different from you analogy but might explain my definition: if you are on a diet and walk into the kitchen for a snack and the two snack foods in the kitchen are carrot sticks and potato chips, you grab the chips, knowing full well that the carrot sticks are healthier, then the next day you jump on the scale which hasn't budged...you might say 'man, grabbing those chips was a mistake...i should have stuck to the carrots.' If there is a better word to define "error caused by poor reasoning" would someone please let me know?

 

As for the other parts of your post, I am in complete agreement. I don't blame my therapist too much because I know that my decisions to cheat in the first place and deceive are my own. I know that this says a lot about my as a person; that I am weak and allow my own insecurities and inability to communicate and express my pain which in turn hurts others. This is an ugly characteristic...it is awful; but it isn't my only characteristic...just one that needs a lot of work...work that I am doing.

 

I do love my former fiance. I think that in a 10 year relationship, there will always be tough times for you personally or in the relationship. This does not mean that the love completely dies, it just means that the love underlies more temporary or superficial problems. Ever so often, one or both members of the partnership need to work through these superficial problems so that the love can come back to the surface as the main force in your lives. By saying that the affair stemmed from relationship problems, I just mean that the superficial problem that surfaced was a long unresolved communication problem. I did not handle this problem in a productive or healthy way at all...I didn't really handle it at all, but instead did something really terrible and really messed up. Still, the underlying love was there...this is why I realized that I couldn't continue what I was doing...why I ended things with the OM...why I went to work on myself and my relationship so that I could do the right things.

 

So, for the record...yes, this whole thing is my fault. I cheated...and then I continued to be selfish and horrible because I did not come clean. I don't ever want to cheat again...ever...or to be dishonest! I want my fiance back because, despite my horrendous actions, I love him dearly and know that with effort towards better communication we can have a fulfilling relationship. I have thought about this a lot, because I know that the road ahead if we were to reconcile will not be easy...I know that walking away might be easier, but I am prepared and willing and will be grateful to have the opportunity to walk the tough road.

 

Looks like you grabbed my post before my edits.

 

You are doing what you need to be doing: owning your decisions/behavior and doing some self-examination.

 

As far as "mistake". It sounds similar to "it just happened". A mistake as you quoted is an "error in action caused by poor reasoning and carelessness". It is best that you say "error in action caused by poor reasoning and carelessness" instead of "mistake". It makes the BS feel validated that you state what you did, and not substitute words like "mistake".

 

In your store analogy there was no "mistake" because you bought what you wanted to buy, the chips. Why you bought the chips instead of the carrots is another question.

 

Whether or not if your fiance decides to attempt reconciliation, keep doing what you are doing. If he decides to to give a second chance, then show him that you 100% own your decision and show him that you are doing the work to answer the "Why?".

[road]

Hi, thanks for all of the replies. They, of course, are hard to hear, but I know that this forum is not for light, fluffy discussion, but rather for truth. I don't feel like most of you so far are just trying to bash, I know that you are trying to give your opinions in a constructive way.

 

I won't use the word mistake anymore, but I think it is very interesting that people are offended by this...I think it stems from not knowing the whole definition. Here is the definition by dictionary.com: "an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc." here are some synonyms: inaccuracy, erratum, fault, oversight, blunder, error, slip

 

 

You decided to cheat.

 

You chose to cheat knowing that cheating is wrong.

 

What you did was not a mistake. It was a thought out decision.

 

The old joke:

 

But honey I did not mean to bang the OM but I tripped an fell onto his ---- with my -----.

 

But honey I did not mean to bang the OM the second time but he fell and my ----- broke the OM's fall by providing a landing spot for the OM's ----

 

Thank god no one got hurt either time.

 

And oh during the videos we made at no time were any animals harmed.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Dear listeners, I need some advice because I am going through the most horrific grief and am not sure if there is anything I can do.

 

A year ago I had an affair. The affair lasted for 3 months; the first month consisted of just talking, the second was physical, and the third was me desperately trying to get out of the affair, which I realized was the worst mistake of my life. Getting out of the affair was difficult because the OM had feelings for me and I was a bit scared of what his reaction would be to my putting an end to things. When I did put an end to things, I told him it was because I was in love with my partner and wanted to be with him forever. I cut off all contact with the OM.

 

I spent every day after that trying to be the best partner I could to my boyfriend of 10 years. We got engaged, something I had always been nervous about doing for various personal and ethical reasons, but that I now knew was exactly what I wanted. We even discussed kids, and I was happy, even though I hadn't entertained the possibility of ever having kids. We were very happy for 6 months. I spoke with a therapist about my guilt over the affair and she and I decided together not to tell my boyfriend, since this was clearly something I was no longer interested in. I truly felt as if my relationship was exactly what I wanted.

 

6 months later, my fiance found out about the affair from the OM's ex-wife, who neither of us has ever met, and who supposedly was no longer with the OM when I was seeing him (which I am now not sure was true.) She emailed my fiance all of the written correspondences between the OM and myself...which were much more explicit than anything we had done or that I had said to him in person.

 

My fiance agreed to try couples therapy 1 time, but during that session he wouldn't look at me...then we went a second time to separate sessions, and the therapist got him to agree to one more session together...at this session he broke up with me.

 

It has been 3 months since the break up...I am in agony...our only contact is when I go pick up our dog to hang out with her on Saturday's...we engage in brief light conversations..a few weeks ago we sat together for about 10 minutes and caught up on basic things we are doing with our lives. I am giving him space...I am going to therapy to work on myself...I am paying for him to continue therapy (a significant expense for me, but I want him to see someone and he cannot afford it.) I am making connections with a group of female friends and not looking for rebounds or flings..or relationships...I am dating myself and trying to ensure that I am healthy and capable of being the partner that I want to be.

 

I want my fiance back, but he has shown no interest in being with me...he has expressed nothing towards me, not much anger, not much pain, not much of anything since the initial break up week or two...i think he is trying to see other people a little, but I am trying not to pry into his personal space out of respect, so I am not sure.

 

How can I win him back? Is there any hope for me. I made a terrible mistake...

 

A month ago was his birthday, which also happened to be around the time when I was getting my stuff out of his condo...I left him a simple present and a nice card telling him how much I care about him and wishing him a happy birthday. I have not done much begging and pleading since the initial part of the break up, but I think that he knows I want him back.

 

Have you asked him what he wants?

 

You talk about how much pain you are in and how you are in agony and you ask how can you win him back. What about how he feels, or what he wants?

 

The problem with lying - how is he supposed to know you are telling the truth?

 

The explicit emails that were "much worse" - how can he know what is true and what is not? Why should he believe that the emails were much worse than what really happened?

 

How can he know you will not cheat on him again?

 

At a minimum, you have to convince him that you are honest and you can be trusted not to cheat again. On top of that, he might not be able to get past what you physically did with the other man, or that you told the other man you loved him. Those are the four things you have to prove to your ex - (1) your honesty, (2) your loyalty, (3) his memory of the physical acts you did (or he thinks you did from your emails) with the other man, and (4) his memory of you telling the other man how fantastic he was and how much you love him.

 

He used to feel so proud and lucky to have a woman like you by his side - a woman who, despite life's ups and downs, he always could count on to love him and stick with him. That is gone now. Why should he stay with you instead of looking for another woman? In my opinion, having kids together will influence many betrayed spouses to give the marriage another chance "for the sake of the kids." Being married, having taken vows together before family, friends, and God, will influence some to give it a second shot. You have neither of these going for you.

 

So why should he stay with you instead of starting over from scratch with another woman? That is the case you have to make to him.

[Jonah]

Bring your ex fiance here to give advice. It sounds like he is handling this perfectly... I wish I could have been so resolutely strong. He is a model for all betrayed spouses. Past, present and future.

[BeholdtheMan]

I spent every day after that trying to be the best partner I could to my boyfriend of 10 years. We got engaged, something I had always been nervous about doing for various personal and ethical reasons, but that I now knew was exactly what I wanted.

So you spent everyday lying by omission about the affair, treating your BF well to assuage your own guilt, and then getting engaged to him...without ever having informed him of the affair?

 

Your actions were self-serving and if I were your fiance I'd be fu**ing pissed off that I had to find out about the affair from OM's ex-wife.

 

at this session he broke up with me.

I applaud your ex-fiance for not tolerating your deception

 

I want my fiance back, but he has shown no interest in being with me...he has expressed nothing towards me, not much anger, not much pain, not much of anything since the initial break up week or two

I can imagine why he wouldn't want you back. You kept him in the dark about your affair the whole time. There was no honesty from you. Not even when marriage came up. If OM's ex-wife hadn't contacted him, you would've been content to let your fiance live a lie (i.e. that his GF/wife has been faithful to him).

 

How can I win him back? Is there any hope for me. I made a terrible mistake...

Your biggest mistake wasn't the affair (which was still a grave mistake on your part). Your biggest mistake was lack of honesty. You never confessed. Your fiance had to find out from OM's ex-wife. You didn't even have the courage to tell him the truth when something as serious as marriage entered the equation.

 

You're not winning him back. You're only hope is that he caves in to loneliness or lack of options.

 

I left him a simple present and a nice card telling him how much I care about him and wishing him a happy birthday. I have not done much begging and pleading since the initial part of the break up, but I think that he knows I want him back.

Begging and pleading probably wouldn't help you much anyway

[BeholdtheMan]

If he doesn’t return, he may have never loved you.

Most of what you said makes sense except for the above. The above is utter garbage.

 

You don't have to be willing to stay with a cheater to have loved that person. Betrayal can kill love. No love is truly unconditional. The closest is the love parents have for their children. The love between GF/BF and husband/wife is conditional. It's based on mutual trust and respect. If you cheat on your husband and then deceive him about it for a prolonged period of time with no intention of ever confessing, don't be surprised if his love for you wilts.

[findingnemo]

Your logic is referred to as "results oriented thinking". What you are saying is that the only reason the advice was bad is because she got caught by the OM's wife. It reminds me of the phrase "not getting caught in a lie is the same thing as telling the truth". You don't really believe this, do you?

 

No , I don't but the therapist may. Not all therapists believe in exposing especially if the A seems short and inconsequential. Of course that's an assumption and may or may not be wrong.

[findingnemo]

Max, the more I read your responses the more I wonder if you really love this man or you are attached to the 10 year R. You say you love him. You say you messed up but you do realize that As are things that married people engage in... not people who are planning to get married, right?

 

You could have left him if you all had major issues. You could have taken a short break and then had an A. That is understandable to me. I don't understand how you can feel so attached to a R that you treat it like a M? If it is like one, why aren't you M yet?

 

Maybe I'm not making sense but to me you having an A clearly shows that two shouldn't be getting married, let alone be seeing each other.

[hoping2heal]

A story comes to mind.

 

My young Nephew grew a fond affection towards a catepillar he had found. He wanted to keep it in this small little jar on a bed of leaves. I explained to him that we should let it go back into greenery so it can continue growing as it would get rather lonely in the jar and probably die. He decided he would let the little critter go, he walked out to the big tree to put him back as he promised, except he didn't do it. He just didn't want to let his pet go and so instead he placed him in his pocket thinking I wouldn't know. Well, a little later that day while we were playing he rolled around in the grass and when he got up and reached inside his pocket his poor little pet had been squished.

 

It was terrible, I felt so bad for him! He teared up and apologized for not letting him go. He was very sorry for what he had done. He wiped his eyes and looked up at me and said "I said I'm sorry, is he going to come back to life now?" I had to explain to him this simple truth in life. We all make mistakes, some with larger and worse consequences than others. You can feel truly remorseful for your actions or you might just feel sorry for the loss your actions have caused you. But, in the end being sorry doesn't solve all. Sometimes at the end of the day the cost of our mistakes is loss or severed relationships. My nephew was very sorry for the fate of his pet critter, but there was no bringing it back to life.

 

You may feel awful for the mistake you made. It may be from a place of genuine remorse that you hurt this man, or it may be from a place of sadness over what it's cost of you. No one but you knows that answer but despite the fact that we all make mistakes, it is human to error, and you are sorry for what you've done there are times when the damage simply cannot ever be undone. It's a fact of life, it is a part of life, and we hopefully will learn from those experiences. In my Nephew's case, I think he'll refrain from ever pocketing a pet again.

 

It sounds like your ex-fiance has lost his respect for you and lost the ability to see you as a person. I think this is a very common reaction in a situation like this. You lose sight of the person, and replace their image with many negative associations. He may never want to date you again, he may never be able to see you as a person ever again. He may only ever see you as a cheater, as a liar, etc. and while there is more to you than the weight of your mistake as I said..some mistakes cannot be fixed with I'm sorry, ever.

 

Is it possible to win him back? That depends, you may have a chance should he ever express that he wants to attempt a relationship with you. If there's no desire to even try then this is a lost cause.

Edited July 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Oberfeldwebel]

I think that you are contrite for your actions and paying for his counseling proves that you care for him, with no hope that you will gain from this. However, there are a couple of things that I think you need to consider here in processing the situation. First that both you and your Counselor missed the mark. It was wrong to keep the affair from your fiance, the fact that you got caught is irrelevant of right or wrong. If he was going to marry you, he had the right to know that information. To me it is equally as bad as the actual act of infidelity. Additionally, if you had come clean to him, instead of him finding out after the fact, he may have forgiven you.

 

The second thing is the reason for the infidelity. You were not unfaithful because of anything that he did, you did it to gratify your own selfish desires. If you had ended your relationship with him and then moved to the OM, then fine, but his actions did not make you sleep with another man. If you had separated from fiance, dated OM and then realized the new relationship wasn't what you wanted, that is a mistake. Infidelity is always an act of selfishness, lying to CYA is always wrong in a relationship.

 

I tell you these things, because I think you are a good person at heart. I also think that you should not reconcile with former fiance out of remorse for what you have done. Please take this time to honestly reflect on ALL aspects of the relationship, not just the 3 months of infidelity. Some people can forgive multiple acts of infidelity, while others are a one and done kind of folks. Take the lessons learned here and become a better person from the experience.

Edited July 29, 2013 by Oberfeldwebel

[Dolphono]

Most of what you said makes sense except for the above. The above is utter garbage.

 

You are correct "conditional" love would indeed die because of Betrayal and unconditional love would persevere Betrayal.

[CognizantShea]

First, I have noticed you have been receiving some really negative comments or painfully truthful responses and I am really sorry for that. Second, I encourage you to take some of their advice; such as taking responsibility for what happened by admitting the real reason behind the affair and not making excuses for it. If you had the affair because you fell victim to lust then say it. The last thing you want to do is blame it on subtle issues in the relationship that could have otherwise been resolved if you guys really love each other. The hardest part is admitting it to yourself first then to him. Honesty is KEY. Thirdly, I want you to imagine the situation in reverse, how would you feel? how would you cope with the situation? would you be able to forgive, forgive easily or forgive at all? REALLY put yourself in his shoes as much as you can and be honest with yourself. No relationship is perfect! We all have bumps in the road, at which point we come across them is irrelevant. You guys have been together for a very very long time and unfortunatley sometimes these things happen. . . you BOTH need to sit down and really discuss if its worth the risk anymore. Only you two know what the relationship was made of, despite your mistake, there is always hope. God Bless.

[whichwayisup]

You be honest. Tell him that you love him and hope that he forgives you, and gives you a chance to make it up to him, to prove that you're worthy of being his future bride. IN the meantime, work on you and fix the issues that led you to chose to cheat on him. Learn how to handle problems in a healthier way so you won't ever cheat on him (or anybody else if you two do not get back together) again. Affair proof yourself, learn boundries and understand that you have to forgive yourself too.

 

Some people will not forgive an affair. You know your (ex) fiance well enough, so if he feels it's over, and you feel he's distanced and detached himself from you, then he may be one who can't forgive.

 

There isn't much you can do to change his mind. He may always love you deeply, but feel like he can't ever trust you again. 10 years of being with someone and being engaged (how long were you two engaged for before your A?) he could feel he just doesn't know who you are and is totally shocked and devastated that you actually cheated on him during your engagement.

 

It sucks and the life you thought you'd have (and he feels it too, big time) is gone. At least for now.

 

You could ask him to talk in 3 months and reassess where each of you are. Maybe he'll miss you and feel you're worth fighting for. If he doesn't at least you've learned a painful lesson and won't make that decision to cheat again.

[maxposte]

You be honest. Tell him that you love him and hope that he forgives you, and gives you a chance to make it up to him, to prove that you're worthy of being his future bride. IN the meantime, work on you and fix the issues that led you to chose to cheat on him. Learn how to handle problems in a healthier way so you won't ever cheat on him (or anybody else if you two do not get back together) again. Affair proof yourself, learn boundries and understand that you have to forgive yourself too.

 

Some people will not forgive an affair. You know your (ex) fiance well enough, so if he feels it's over, and you feel he's distanced and detached himself from you, then he may be one who can't forgive.

 

There isn't much you can do to change his mind. He may always love you deeply, but feel like he can't ever trust you again. 10 years of being with someone and being engaged (how long were you two engaged for before your A?) he could feel he just doesn't know who you are and is totally shocked and devastated that you actually cheated on him during your engagement.

 

It sucks and the life you thought you'd have (and he feels it too, big time) is gone. At least for now.

 

You could ask him to talk in 3 months and reassess where each of you are. Maybe he'll miss you and feel you're worth fighting for. If he doesn't at least you've learned a painful lesson and won't make that decision to cheat again.

 

Thanks! I think I have to give it a good try. I miss my life with him terribly. I am going to wait until October... That will be 6 months... And be honest and express myself.