can I salvage this...i had an affair

[maxposte]

Dear listeners, I need some advice because I am going through the most horrific grief and am not sure if there is anything I can do.

 

A year ago I had an affair. The affair lasted for 3 months; the first month consisted of just talking, the second was physical, and the third was me desperately trying to get out of the affair, which I realized was the worst mistake of my life. Getting out of the affair was difficult because the OM had feelings for me and I was a bit scared of what his reaction would be to my putting an end to things. When I did put an end to things, I told him it was because I was in love with my partner and wanted to be with him forever. I cut off all contact with the OM.

 

I spent every day after that trying to be the best partner I could to my boyfriend of 10 years. We got engaged, something I had always been nervous about doing for various personal and ethical reasons, but that I now knew was exactly what I wanted. We even discussed kids, and I was happy, even though I hadn't entertained the possibility of ever having kids. We were very happy for 6 months. I spoke with a therapist about my guilt over the affair and she and I decided together not to tell my boyfriend, since this was clearly something I was no longer interested in. I truly felt as if my relationship was exactly what I wanted.

 

6 months later, my fiance found out about the affair from the OM's ex-wife, who neither of us has ever met, and who supposedly was no longer with the OM when I was seeing him (which I am now not sure was true.) She emailed my fiance all of the written correspondences between the OM and myself...which were much more explicit than anything we had done or that I had said to him in person.

 

My fiance agreed to try couples therapy 1 time, but during that session he wouldn't look at me...then we went a second time to separate sessions, and the therapist got him to agree to one more session together...at this session he broke up with me.

 

It has been 3 months since the break up...I am in agony...our only contact is when I go pick up our dog to hang out with her on Saturday's...we engage in brief light conversations..a few weeks ago we sat together for about 10 minutes and caught up on basic things we are doing with our lives. I am giving him space...I am going to therapy to work on myself...I am paying for him to continue therapy (a significant expense for me, but I want him to see someone and he cannot afford it.) I am making connections with a group of female friends and not looking for rebounds or flings..or relationships...I am dating myself and trying to ensure that I am healthy and capable of being the partner that I want to be.

 

I want my fiance back, but he has shown no interest in being with me...he has expressed nothing towards me, not much anger, not much pain, not much of anything since the initial break up week or two...i think he is trying to see other people a little, but I am trying not to pry into his personal space out of respect, so I am not sure.

 

How can I win him back? Is there any hope for me. I made a terrible mistake...

 

A month ago was his birthday, which also happened to be around the time when I was getting my stuff out of his condo...I left him a simple present and a nice card telling him how much I care about him and wishing him a happy birthday. I have not done much begging and pleading since the initial part of the break up, but I think that he knows I want him back.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I want my fiance back, but he has shown no interest in being with me...he has expressed nothing towards me, not much anger, not much pain, not much of anything since the initial break up week or two...i think he is trying to see other people a little, but I am trying not to pry into his personal space out of respect, so I am not sure.

 

How can I win him back? Is there any hope for me. I made a terrible mistake...

 

He's still in shock from your betrayal. If he wants to be left alone, then leave him alone. It will take time for him to process this situation. He just had a nuclear bomb dropped on him. Give him space if that's what he wants.

 

You've made your decisions and now it's his turn to make his decisions.

 

Can you win him back? Maybe, but that's his choice to give a chance to win him back. If he walks, then he walks. You only have yourself to blame if he does. The ball is in his court for now.

 

PS - Fire your therapist. Lying and continuing the deception cuts just as deep as the adultery. I agree with 2long's comments.

[Bryanp]

The therapist was a disgrace and harmed you greatly. If you had been upfront and honest with your boyfriend then you would have had a possibility to recover. Keeping it secret and having your boyfriend find out the way he did destroyed probably any chance of recovery. You had a dishonest and idiotic therapist. I hope you let her know what her advise has done.

[drifter777]

I agree regarding the immoral and unethical advice from your counselor - it is shameful.

 

As far as the rest of your story, so far you have gotten exactly what you deserve, and it seems you have already moved on since your dating others. Why are you interested in "winning" him back? Do you need him financially? Do you want him for the sake of your pride? You have demonstrated by your actions - having sex with another man & lying to his face - that you don't want him. The kindest thing you could do for him now is to let him go and wish him the love and happiness you were not willing provide.

[findingnemo]

I wouldn't blame your therapist too much. He/she probably listened to all you said and had no clue (like you) that there was a loose end of an exW in the picture. You seem like you're in control and pretty reasonable. From reading your entire post and how you ended up in an A, I wonder. Why do love your fiancé? What is it about him that you love?

 

I'm not sure you really love him and I'm thinking this is a possible reason you had the affair. Another thing, why are you paying for his therapy?

[maxposte]

I agree regarding the immoral and unethical advice from your counselor - it is shameful.

 

As far as the rest of your story, so far you have gotten exactly what you deserve, and it seems you have already moved on since your dating others. Why are you interested in "winning" him back? Do you need him financially? Do you want him for the sake of your pride? You have demonstrated by your actions - having sex with another man & lying to his face - that you don't want him. The kindest thing you could do for him now is to let him go and wish him the love and happiness you were not willing provide.

 

I think you may have mis-read my post. I have not been dating anyone else...no dates, no hook-ups, no flings, no nothing. I have been "dating myself" just working on myself. I have far from moved on.

[drifter777]

I think you may have mis-read my post. I have not been dating anyone else...no dates, no hook-ups, no flings, no nothing. I have been "dating myself" just working on myself. I have far from moved on.

Ok, hope you see how I was confused with what you wrote about dating.

 

Anyway, all of my advice stands. You guys are not married and have no kids together so why go through all the drama, pain, and excruciatingly hard work it takes to reconcile? Learn from the experience and move on. Your fiance deserves to start marriage with a woman with a clean slate. Don't you worry about getting married to a guy you cheated on and devastated? Don't you wonder when the time-bomb you lit will go off?

[maxposte]

I wouldn't blame your therapist too much. He/she probably listened to all you said and had no clue (like you) that there was a loose end of an exW in the picture. You seem like you're in control and pretty reasonable. From reading your entire post and how you ended up in an A, I wonder. Why do love your fiancé? What is it about him that you love?

 

I'm not sure you really love him and I'm thinking this is a possible reason you had the affair. Another thing, why are you paying for his therapy?

 

Thanks for your reply. I am very much in love with my fiance. He is a truly amazing and loving and funny and kind individual. I have been working through what happened in the relationship that caused the affair. There is so much...it is so tangled, but in part it stemmed from deep communication problems on both of our parts...so deep that we were unable to express needs because we were scared of offending or hurting the other person. We loved each other dearly, but were not giving one another everything that we needed and weren't talking about it. The six months after the affair, I kept working with a therapist (he refused to go to therapy with me) to be able to express myself more...I was happy and getting so much out of the relationship...i love him.

 

As for the therapy...he, for the first time ever, expressed the desire to see someone. He quit drinking without any support group or therapy, he worked through the death of very close family members and I was the only one with whom he would speak...now he finally wants to go, and I think that it is something he will benefit from. Since he can't pay for it right now (he is a student without much expendable income,) I offered to help. I guess deep down, I am hoping his therapy sessions will at least open up the avenue for discussion between the two of us about what happened...and possibly a discussion about reconciliation...but I understand that that may never happen and feel OK if it doesn't and my paying for therapy at least helps him get through this difficult time.

[drifter777]

I wouldn't blame your therapist too much. He/she probably listened to all you said and had no clue (like you) that there was a loose end of an exW in the picture.

 

Your logic is referred to as "results oriented thinking". What you are saying is that the only reason the advice was bad is because she got caught by the OM's wife. It reminds me of the phrase "not getting caught in a lie is the same thing as telling the truth". You don't really believe this, do you?

[Artie Lang]

sounds like he's detaching.

 

you say he's neither angry nor sad..... ever heard of the saying "the opposite of love is not anger, but indifference." i think this applies to your former fiancé.

 

 

there's not much you can do but give him space.

[Running Man]

Thanks for your reply. I am very much in love with my fiance. He is a truly amazing and loving and funny and kind individual.

 

You can say phrases like this all you want but your ACTIONS speak louder then words. Let him go find someone else who walks the walk. Remember he only found out because the OMW told him. You would've continued to "love him" by keeping your affair secret. Why would the man you described above deserve this type treatment from somebody who claims to love him?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

what happened in the relationship that caused the affair[/b]. There is so much...it is so tangled, but in part it stemmed from deep communication problems on both of our parts...so deep that we were unable to express needs because we were scared of offending or hurting the other person.

 

I guess deep down, I am hoping his therapy sessions will at least open up the avenue for discussion between the two of us about what happened...and possibly a discussion about reconciliation...but I understand that that may never happen and feel OK if it doesn't and my paying for therapy at least helps him get through this difficult time.

 

So just to point out that your relationship problems did not cause the affair. As long as you believe that you will not have a hope of reconciling. It is a deflection of responsibility on to events, and away from your bad choices.

 

You chose to deal with your emotions by having an affair. Part of your healing is finding ways to better handle difficult emotions. Otherwise how would he or anyone else know that a bad time on the relationship would not result in you stepping out side the relationship for anesthesia.

 

And it's good of you to help him with therapy even though the affair was likely a deal breaker for him.

[maxposte]

So just to point out that your relationship problems did not cause the affair. As long as you believe that you will not have a hope of reconciling. It is a deflection of responsibility on to events, and away from your bad choices.

 

Thanks for your reply. I definitely know that my actions were my own fault, and do not blame anyone or anything but myself for my horrible mistakes. I just meant that I didn't up and decide to have an affair for no reason, or for some idea that I was just not in love; but rather that there was some missiness in the relationship that I dealt with in the worst way possible. I still am and was very much in love, but just chose the worst way to cope...this was in response to someone asking if I was really in love with my fiancé. I have been working with my therapist to untangle some of the parts of my former relationship that caused me to step out so that I can make sure to learn how to address these things in healthy ways in any future relationship.

 

You mentioned that it sounds like to him this is a deal-breaker, but also mentioned a possible reconciliation. Do you think that while right now it seems as if this is a deal-breaker situation, that in time this could change if I am not pushy, but make it clear that I am doing work on myself, that I continue to be remorseful (because I truly am,) and that I am willing to wait and tough it out and allow him to do what he needs to do? If so, do you have any suggestions as to how/when I might reach out to tell him this without making him feel overwhelmed or pressured, but just to let him know that I hope to at least have a conversation about where I am with my feelings and the work that I have been doing so that something like this will never happen again?

[JustJoe]

OP, do you want your BF back or to assuage your guilt and prove that you can be an honest partner.? Right now, all of the proof is to the contrary. You were not faithful and you were not honest and you were not respectful. Those are the facts. Can you think of any possible reason why he should WANT to get back together? These are pretty big hurdles to get over. Especially when your BF doesn't seem particularly interested. Find someone else and leave your EX-BF alone.

[Zenstudent]

maxposte, you sound genuine to me. Unfortunately it's your boyfriend who has to judge wether he wants to be with you or not, and it's he who has been hurt the most by your choice. Maybe it's a dealbreaker, maybe it's not, and maybe it's a temporary dealbreaker.

 

I think your doing the right thing; working on yourself and trying to figure out why you thought it would be a good idea to cheat. Be the best person you can be, work on being consistantly honest and a person with integrity.

 

Maybe he'll see your changes, maybe not, but you'll benefit from your work and new values in the future, as single or even with a new partner.

 

If you want to bring up the subject, I would wait untill the changes are visible and you can support your case with examples of actions if needed. If he isn't the one asking you back, you saying "I won't do it again" won't cut it.

 

I wish you the best.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Thanks for your reply. I definitely know that my actions were my own fault, and do not blame anyone or anything but myself for my horrible mistakes. I just meant that I didn't up and decide to have an affair for no reason, or for some idea that I was just not in love; but rather that there was some missiness in the relationship that I dealt with in the worst way possible. I still am and was very much in love, but just chose the worst way to cope...this was in response to someone asking if I was really in love with my fiancé. I have been working with my therapist to untangle some of the parts of my former relationship that caused me to step out so that I can make sure to learn how to address these things in healthy ways in any future relationship.

 

You mentioned that it sounds like to him this is a deal-breaker, but also mentioned a possible reconciliation. Do you think that while right now it seems as if this is a deal-breaker situation, that in time this could change if I am not pushy, but make it clear that I am doing work on myself, that I continue to be remorseful (because I truly am,) and that I am willing to wait and tough it out and allow him to do what he needs to do? If so, do you have any suggestions as to how/when I might reach out to tell him this without making him feel overwhelmed or pressured, but just to let him know that I hope to at least have a conversation about where I am with my feelings and the work that I have been doing so that something like this will never happen again?

 

I want to answer you in two parts.

 

First, affairs can be deal breakers. Why?

 

Well for some it's that the idea that their spouse had sex with someone else...more than once...because they wanted to.

 

For some it's that their spouse shared an intimate emotional connection with someone, ILY. Knowing those words were said and meant diminish their value in the relationship because that are tainted.

 

For many, looking back over thy affair period and the lies that were told, effects all words that were ever said. How to believe you now? How to believe anything was ever real? The loss of the complete faith that the WS would never purposely harm them. Loss of innocence.

 

For those that didn't know something was up, they also have to mistrust themselves and their judgement because they missed it. So in trun you must be a good lier because he never knew.

 

For those who found out through their own investigation, or being told by someone, there is that added mistrust of the cheater because they did not think enough of the person or relationship to come clean (your counselor is terrible)

 

Thoughts that they are second choice, or not good enough are hard to resolve.

 

Many also have to deal with guilt and pressures from friends and family, and even themselves of being a doormat for considering reconciling.

 

You said what you need to tell him in that last paragraph. But remember what I wrote above HIS pain, is not resolved by your solving your issue.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Thanks for your reply. I definitely know that my actions were my own fault, and do not blame anyone or anything but myself for my horrible mistakes. I just meant that I didn't up and decide to have an affair for no reason, or for some idea that I was just not in love; but rather that there was some missiness in the relationship that I dealt with in the worst way possible. I still am and was very much in love, but just chose the worst way to cope...this was in response to someone asking if I was really in love with my fiancé. I have been working with my therapist to untangle some of the parts of my former relationship that caused me to step out so that I can make sure to learn how to address these things in healthy ways in any future relationship.

 

where I am with my feelings and the work that I have been doing so that something like this will never happen again?

 

Max

I know you are struggling and trying to do the right thing...so I am going to point out this is justification. You didn't say if you are still with your same counselor, but if you are, you need to find someone who specializes in infidelity. What you said in the bold, would keep me from reconciling with you.

 

100% of relationships have problems. Most at one time or another have serious problems. Cheating was how you handled it.

 

In fact, you XBF was in the exact same relationship as you and he didn't cheat.

 

The analogy that I have heard is that you find that you hate your sofa so you burned the house down. So many other choices to handle to issue were available. So in therapy, dealing with the issue of the sofa is silly, at least until you understand why you burned the house down! buying a new sofa is silly because you have no house to put it in!

 

Obviously, these are just words on an a anonymous forum, and you may not have intended them that way, but you want to reconcile, so you need to know, that even your explanation of how you weren't justifying, was justifying.

 

Find a new therapist....one who gets that.

 

Good luck.

[Artie Lang]

I just meant that I didn't up and decide to have an affair for no reason

 

that's what most cheating spouses say.

 

 

although i'm all for counseling, i find it interesting how people in these situations run to a therapist to try and find out the "whys." sometimes it's as simple as- "I wanted to do it, and I kept doing it because I enjoyed it." simple as that.

 

i mean, you did enjoy the attention(emotional/physical) from this OM, right? why else would you have gone back for more?

 

in reading your situation, you had your fill of this and wanted to go back to your relationship. you never came clean about it..... hoping it would go unnoticed, only to be "outed" by this OM's wife.

 

 

i'm not trying to bash you in any way, but it seems all the work you're doing is on account that you got caught. i wonder if you would be making all these changes had you never been found out. that's what you should be asking yourself.

Edited July 28, 2013 by Artie Lang

[Darren Steez]

Not a strike on you OP but I never understand how people think deception is the best way to solve any situation.

 

Relationships should be based on mutual value systems. A bond of trust and honesty. Fair enough you cheated and got out. But to then lie about it, did you not expect the truth to out itself? And what about marrying your ex under false pretenses. You may have acted the best girlfriend and maybe truly remorseful for your actions but it was more guilt than anything else wasn't it?

 

Thing is, it will never be the same. Never. The only hope is forgiveness all around and you all can move on. Let your next relationships be based on the truth.

[Zenstudent]

i'm not trying to bash you in any way, but it seems all the work you're doing is on account that you got caught. i wonder if you would be making all these changes had you never been found out. that's what you should be asking yourself.

Does it really matter why people wake up, as long as they actually DO wake up and get it?

For my part, I would love to se more waywards realize what they did and search them selves to find answers, and to start changing.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Thanks for your reply. I definitely know that my actions were my own fault, and do not blame anyone or anything but myself for my horrible mistakes. .... I have been working with my therapist to untangle some of the parts of my former relationship that caused me to step out so that I can make sure to learn how to address these things in healthy ways in any future relationship.

 

Do you own this or not? You state above that it's your own fault. Then later in the same post you reference "parts of my former relationship" caused you to cheat. What does that mean exactly?

 

It's not your "former relationship" to blame, but you. You caused yourself to cheat. What about YOU that made YOU to cheat on your fiance? You say that you love him, yet you emasculated him. What does that say about YOU?

 

 

PS - You might want to avoid the term "mistake". Most BS's are insulted by that description. How do you mistakenly take your clothes off and mistakenly have sex with another man? That must be awkward....

Edited July 28, 2013 by Betrayed&Stayed

[maxposte]

Do you own this or not? You state above that it's your own fault. Then later in the same post you reference "parts of my former relationship" caused you to cheat.

 

Your therapist sucks! It's not your "former relationship" to blame, but you. You caused yourself to cheat. What about YOU that caused YOU to cheat on your fiance? You say that you love him, yet you emasculated him. What does that say about YOU?

 

What about YOU that said it was ok to lie to him about your cheating and continue the deception?

 

You have to be willing to look at the ugliness in the mirror.

 

PS - You might want to avoid the term "mistake". Most BS's are insulted by that description. How do you mistakenly take your clothes off and mistakenly have sex with another man? That must be awkward....

 

Hi, thanks for all of the replies. They, of course, are hard to hear, but I know that this forum is not for light, fluffy discussion, but rather for truth. I don't feel like most of you so far are just trying to bash, I know that you are trying to give your opinions in a constructive way.

 

I won't use the word mistake anymore, but I think it is very interesting that people are offended by this...I think it stems from not knowing the whole definition. Here is the definition by dictionary.com: "an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc." here are some synonyms: inaccuracy, erratum, fault, oversight, blunder, error, slip

 

I made a "mistake" meaning that I made an error in action caused by poor reasoning and carelessness. I knew that this was a bad choice among all of my choices, and yet I did it. Yes, you can make mistakes because you are misguided or did not have sufficient knowledge, but that is not what I meant. Here is another analogy that people often use that is different from you analogy but might explain my definition: if you are on a diet and walk into the kitchen for a snack and the two snack foods in the kitchen are carrot sticks and potato chips, you grab the chips, knowing full well that the carrot sticks are healthier, then the next day you jump on the scale which hasn't budged...you might say 'man, grabbing those chips was a mistake...i should have stuck to the carrots.' If there is a better word to define "error caused by poor reasoning" would someone please let me know?

 

As for the other parts of your post, I am in complete agreement. I don't blame my therapist too much because I know that my decisions to cheat in the first place and deceive are my own. I know that this says a lot about my as a person; that I am weak and allow my own insecurities and inability to communicate and express my pain which in turn hurts others. This is an ugly characteristic...it is awful; but it isn't my only characteristic...just one that needs a lot of work...work that I am doing.

 

I do love my former fiance. I think that in a 10 year relationship, there will always be tough times for you personally or in the relationship. This does not mean that the love completely dies, it just means that the love underlies more temporary or superficial problems. Ever so often, one or both members of the partnership need to work through these superficial problems so that the love can come back to the surface as the main force in your lives. By saying that the affair stemmed from relationship problems, I just mean that the superficial problem that surfaced was a long unresolved communication problem. I did not handle this problem in a productive or healthy way at all...I didn't really handle it at all, but instead did something really terrible and really messed up. Still, the underlying love was there...this is why I realized that I couldn't continue what I was doing...why I ended things with the OM...why I went to work on myself and my relationship so that I could do the right things.

 

So, for the record...yes, this whole thing is my fault. I cheated...and then I continued to be selfish and horrible because I did not come clean. I don't ever want to cheat again...ever...or to be dishonest! I want my fiance back because, despite my horrendous actions, I love him dearly and know that with effort towards better communication we can have a fulfilling relationship. I have thought about this a lot, because I know that the road ahead if we were to reconcile will not be easy...I know that walking away might be easier, but I am prepared and willing and will be grateful to have the opportunity to walk the tough road.

[peaksandvalleys]

Just be prepared that he may not want to ever be with you again. For some walking away from a bad situation and never looking back is the best solution.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I think as you move to get healthier it's important to understand the BS perspective.

 

Mistake, regardless of the actual definiton comes off like an "oops, my bad" so using choice clarifies that while it was a bad decision, it was still made as a decision.

 

As for your chips/carrots analogy, siting the purchase of the chips being in the kitchen is the equivalent to stating that your affair was caused by communication issues. Follow?

 

You need to work on the reason why you chose to make the choices you did. Like for example, you seek external validation to show your value; you are conflict avoidant; or maybe just selfish...I am making that stuff up, your posts don't give enough to assist, but you see how what I said differed from what you said?

 

If you want to reconcile, you need to understand the mind of your XBF too. How he probably feels. What he needs, what he wants. You burned his house down too.

[Dolphono]

I would say that you and your former fiance will indeed get back together at some point in the future. 10 years is a very long time in this day and age, if he truly loves you, he’ll return. The heart wants what the heart wants. Continue on the path that you are already on, allow him space & time with his love and PAIN. Once he clears his head and live a little, he’ll return HOME. If he doesn’t return, he may have never loved you.

 

It’s outstanding of you to realize your short comings and begin the process of healing yourself from the deep issues that you have. Life is very, very difficult and WE ALL stumble and fall. Infidelity is a test upon a relationship; those whom are blessed with TRUE soul mates will endure such trails and tribulation.

 

I hope the love of your life is strong enough to recover from such a devastating blow and may his forgiveness strengthen your love for one another. Only time will tell, be prepare to let years pass by before he returns.

Edited July 28, 2013 by Dolphono