Question for those reconciled for a while.

[Spark1111]

oh no! if anyone tried to tell me to let go.....fire and smoke would have blazed out of my nostrils.....and I would have tried to incinerate them....this included my fWS who just wanted this whole sordid, delusional, selfisn, self-sabotaging, adolescent, insecure nonsense to blow into the wind.

 

Changing THOUGHT PATTERNS is something I worked on for me and me alone, but I had to be ready and willing to get there and yes.....the safer I felt with our new relationship, with his consistent changes....made it happen OVER TIME.

 

I had to distinguish the difference between feeling my feelings....very important...and obsessing over my vivid imaginative mind movies, and I did obsess...for a long, long time until I realized I was NOW engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors!

 

I had become my very own kill joy and I was impeding my own healing.

 

Three things worked on me, rationally, when I ALLOWED them to, and for me, the emotions getting off the roller coaster to be in sync with my logic....is what I worked hard every day to reconcile.

 

I read that thoughts create grooves in the brain....and if you obsess too long and too hard on painful memories you WILL create a permanent groove....one that WILL NEVER go away. Ouch! Divorce now.

 

Your spouse could become the greatest, most loving, remorseful, devoted and honest person in the world, but you will be forever stuck in the groove you created.

 

My H's affair triggered childhood issues of abandonment and neglect that I thought I had successfully dealt with in therapy. I had not and it took a really good IC to help distinguish between the affair and abandonment and neglect issues from childhood. Very, very important folks in pro-longed pain!

 

Thirdly: I read a survey of people who claimed to be miserably married. half divorced, whether due to an affair, addiction, incompatibility, etc....not mentioned.

 

The researchers went back five years later to re interview the partners. The ones who remained married were now very happy. At least half who had divorced REGRETTED their decision. They were NO HAPPIER in their new relationship and wished they had tried harder to repair their first marriage.

 

It spawned a dearth of marital counseling web sites and books by professionals who believe marriage are worth saving because they are cyclical.

 

I vowed to give myself five years....to see if I was happier. I am. I had a spouse who was willing to give me most, not all, that I needed....

[Zenstudent]

Lots of guys out there get off to the thought of their wife being plowed by a piece of meat she just used and threw away. She came back to you, right? So enjoy her, enjoy her decision to stay, and somewhere deep down enjoy the freak in you that says, "wow my wife got plowed by another man & that's hot."

I think you miss the whole point. Ok, some men, maybe even a lot, are very disgusted about the thought of their wife being "ploughed". But I dare say, that for most men, and women, it's not so much about the sex as it's about the betrayal. Nothing hot about that, not even close.

[keepcalm]

I'm new, need to post a new thread, but can't figure out how. I apologize for asking this in your thread, but hope someone will reply to answer--& best of luck to you. Thank you.

[Zenstudent]

I'm new, need to post a new thread, but can't figure out how. I apologize for asking this in your thread, but hope someone will reply to answer--& best of luck to you. Thank you.

welcome. There's a button "New thread# to the left, just above the list of topices. Also to the right in the menu "Forum tools".

[keepcalm]

Thanks, Zen, but, duh, I can't see either button.

[keepcalm]

Hope someone will get my message to right place, since I can't figure out how to start a new thread. I was the OW in an emotional split self affair. He is an old BF who lost touch with me years ago, found me online, contacted me. As he said, the emotional affair just happened as we discussed old times & mutual interests. I was the one who got him to see what he was doing after months of telling him that he was deceiving his W & planning a lifetime of remaining married & having me as his "best friend." (He doesn't make friends easily.) He was always emphatic that, due to religious reasons, he couldn't divorce. There are no kids. He & W have a seriously codependent marriage. He offered to go for therapy. After a few weeks of therapy, he told W about me--although I'm sure he didn't tell everything he should have. After telling W, he emailed that our relationship was over, even though he'd never wanted it to end, he was in marriage counseling with W because he was committed to his marriage & they were "rebuilding." This isn't their 1st trip through marriage counseling.

 

Months later, I still don't hear from him, but I know for sure that he reads the emails I occasionally send him (mostly about charitable stuff, not personal) at the secret account W does not know about. Obviously he hasn't let go, even though he's not replying to me or initiating contact with me. I don't believe counseling will fix their marriage. I don't want him stuck in an unhappy life. I want him back, stupid as that is. I'd like to hear from others about their experiences with marriage therapy after split self affairs. This is making me nuts.

[jb003]

don't want to butt in on anyones thread but you all are where Im at right now in my recovery and have no one to talk to. How do I start posting ?

[Owl]

Hope someone will get my message to right place, since I can't figure out how to start a new thread. I was the OW in an emotional split self affair. He is an old BF who lost touch with me years ago, found me online, contacted me. As he said, the emotional affair just happened as we discussed old times & mutual interests. I was the one who got him to see what he was doing after months of telling him that he was deceiving his W & planning a lifetime of remaining married & having me as his "best friend." (He doesn't make friends easily.) He was always emphatic that, due to religious reasons, he couldn't divorce. There are no kids. He & W have a seriously codependent marriage. He offered to go for therapy. After a few weeks of therapy, he told W about me--although I'm sure he didn't tell everything he should have. After telling W, he emailed that our relationship was over, even though he'd never wanted it to end, he was in marriage counseling with W because he was committed to his marriage & they were "rebuilding." This isn't their 1st trip through marriage counseling.

 

Months later, I still don't hear from him, but I know for sure that he reads the emails I occasionally send him (mostly about charitable stuff, not personal) at the secret account W does not know about. Obviously he hasn't let go, even though he's not replying to me or initiating contact with me. I don't believe counseling will fix their marriage. I don't want him stuck in an unhappy life. I want him back, stupid as that is. I'd like to hear from others about their experiences with marriage therapy after split self affairs. This is making me nuts.

 

Welcome back!!

 

I'd heartily recommend starting your own thread, as you know that posting this on an existing one is a bit of a T/J.

 

With that said...sounds to me like he's made a choice, finally. While you might not like his choice...it's his choice.

 

What you need to do now is focus on moving on, taking care of yourself and your kids, and work on healing.

 

Stop contacting him. His "no answer" is answer enough.

 

Obviously he HAS let go, if he's not answering.

 

If I recall, you once told me "if you love someone, set them free...". This applies here more than in my situation.

Edited August 1, 2013 by Owl