Question for those reconciled for a while.

[NotCamelot]

Been a while since I posted.....but you "long-timers" here know the story.

 

Things are really good between W and me these days. The only issue is me triggering on memories sometimes. And I still think about what she did at least some part of every day, even though D-day was almost 15 months ago.

 

The hardest trigger of all is when we have sex. That is when I think about her and the OM being together. Now it is not as bad as it was last year, but I still think about it. She does not know that I think about that at that time. It has no effect on my "performance". But the mind-movies are hurtful just the same.

 

 

What I am asking from those that have been reconciled for a while is: how long can I expect this to go on? I really, really want this to stop.

 

And I really want to hear from the men who were BS's as well as the women.

 

I know I found it hard to believe back in the first few weeks after D-day when I read others saying it here, but it is true, our marriage is much stronger now that it was the first 20 years. It is really hard to describe.

 

How about OWL and SPARK........and the other "long-timers"....... give me some hope.....

[Owl]

If you've both put forth the work and effort to rebuild trust and communictions...it will still get better.

 

Now...there's a reason why they say that it takes 2-5 years for a marriage to recover from infidelity...if it does.

 

And that's because of the emotional devestation infidelity creates.

 

It takes time, and work, to heal from. The longer the two of you continue to work together, the more you'll continue to heal from it.

 

I felt quite a bit better after the 2 year anniversary of our situation. The first year anniversaries were tough for me...the second year, they hurt a lot less. After that, I forgot about them for the most part.

 

Keep working at it. If you're happier now, odds are that you'll continue to improve. Now, if you were feeling just as bad or worse than you were a while ago...that would be a reason for concern.

 

I just realized that this past spring made about 9 years post d-day/whatever...and hadn't even thought about it being that 'anniversary' til just now. And the truth is...it doesn't matter one way or another anymore.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Been a while since I posted.....but you "long-timers" here know the story.

 

Things are really good between W and me these days. The only issue is me triggering on memories sometimes. And I still think about what she did at least some part of every day, even though D-day was almost 15 months ago.

 

The hardest trigger of all is when we have sex. That is when I think about her and the OM being together. Now it is not as bad as it was last year, but I still think about it. She does not know that I think about that at that time. It has no effect on my "performance". But the mind-movies are hurtful just the same.

 

 

What I am asking from those that have been reconciled for a while is: how long can I expect this to go on? I really, really want this to stop.

 

And I really want to hear from the men who were BS's as well as the women.

 

I'm now in the 5th year post D-day.

 

As far as the sex triggers. It wasn't until 3 years out that the possibility of having sex without having a flash image of my wife with OM was possible. Now the during-sex triggers are about 50/50.

 

I'm 5 yrs post d-day and 14 years past affair, and I still think of it daily. Affairs are in the news every day and in the media constantly.

[NotCamelot]

Yeah, hearing and reading about them brings back the memories more often than they would normally occur.

 

It's also very "funny" how, when she hears or reads of others having an affair, how judgemental she will opine over them!

[drifter777]

You are tortured by mind-movies of your wife having sex with another man and yet you say your marriage is stronger than ever. You do know this sounds ridicules, right? I mean, if you say that your wife shows she is remorseful and is working her tail off to make it up to you then it might seem like things are better, but you are clearly not past her betrayal. And how could you be? With d-day only 15 months ago you are simply lying to yourself about the state of your relationship. You are able to single out "mind-movies" as the only thing left for you to get over, but this is just a tangible thing to point to and thinking like this is helping you cope right now. I hope you are getting IC, and I hope you will stop lying to yourself and waiting for time to heal your wound.

 

The thing about infidelity that lots of people don't seem to be able to articulate is that its not just the sex or the lying or the rejection - its the betrayal that does the most damage. It robs you of your self-esteem, your feeling of security, and any trust you had in your wife and people in general. It's a horrible trauma and you need to address it sooner rather than later. Its been over 30 years and I still suffer from disgusting mind-movies from time to time when something triggers in me. They aren't as often as they used to be, but I know they will never go away as long as I have a memory of what she did. Sometimes I think dementia would be a welcome condition for me.

 

You might be able to reconcile some day, but 15 months is not nearly enough time to resolve such a horrible betrayal. You are giving your wife a pass because doing that is easier right now then confronting the ugly, painful issues that still face you. Look up codependent and see if it fits, because it sounds like it might.

[dichotomy]

Yeah, hearing and reading about them brings back the memories more often than they would normally occur.

 

It's also very "funny" how, when she hears or reads of others having an affair, how judgemental she will opine over them!

 

 

We actually talked about this issue in couples therapy this week.

[drifter777]

We actually talked about this issue in couples therapy this week.

 

and????????

[Owl]

You are tortured by mind-movies of your wife having sex with another man and yet you say your marriage is stronger than ever. You do know this sounds ridicules, right? I mean, if you say that your wife shows she is remorseful and is working her tail off to make it up to you then it might seem like things are better, but you are clearly not past her betrayal. And how could you be? With d-day only 15 months ago you are simply lying to yourself about the state of your relationship. You are able to single out "mind-movies" as the only thing left for you to get over, but this is just a tangible thing to point to and thinking like this is helping you cope right now. I hope you are getting IC, and I hope you will stop lying to yourself and waiting for time to heal your wound.

 

The thing about infidelity that lots of people don't seem to be able to articulate is that its not just the sex or the lying or the rejection - its the betrayal that does the most damage. It robs you of your self-esteem, your feeling of security, and any trust you had in your wife and people in general. It's a horrible trauma and you need to address it sooner rather than later. Its been over 30 years and I still suffer from disgusting mind-movies from time to time when something triggers in me. They aren't as often as they used to be, but I know they will never go away as long as I have a memory of what she did. Sometimes I think dementia would be a welcome condition for me.

 

You might be able to reconcile some day, but 15 months is not nearly enough time to resolve such a horrible betrayal. You are giving your wife a pass because doing that is easier right now then confronting the ugly, painful issues that still face you. Look up codependent and see if it fits, because it sounds like it might.

 

Drifter...how do you know that NC is "giving his wife a pass"?

 

What did you read in his post that told you this? I didn't see it.

[drifter777]

Drifter...how do you know that NC is "giving his wife a pass"?

 

What did you read in his post that told you this? I didn't see it.

 

I can't know. I am drawing a conclusion from his OP. My opinion is that his posting at this time about "mind-movies" is code for "I'm not over this yet". The fact that its only been 15 months since d-day. The statement:

 

"Things are really good between W and me these days. The only issue is me triggering on memories sometimes. And I still think about what she did at least some part of every day, even though D-day was almost 15 months ago."

 

feels desperate to me. Saying that "things are really good" and then revealing the not-so-good stuff and summing it all up with "d-day was almost 15 months ago" tells me he is suffering while allowing his wife to think all is forgiven. That's a pass to me.

[2sunny]

Yeah, hearing and reading about them brings back the memories more often than they would normally occur.

 

It's also very "funny" how, when she hears or reads of others having an affair, how judgemental she will opine over them!

 

That is an odd reaction.

 

Has she always had that ability to separate her reality from others?

 

Is she that much disconnected from what she's done that she doesn't own her behavior?

[dichotomy]

and????????

 

Ok - sorry to divert from thread. But you asked.

 

I got mad the other day about the whole Anthony Weiner crap on TV. I simply got angry and walked away from wife and went to another room. She figured she did something right then to make me mad - like I was angry at dishes or something.

 

the next day in therapy my wife wanted to know what happened, when I began to explain...she started in with the "well that kind of guy makes me angry too!!! ...why did you not say it?"

 

I then explained "because I was angry at you over your texts/emails to OM. It was a trigger, and I could not express it for fear of an argument. I don't need to hear that you think this politician is bad, I want you to understand this reminds me of how YOU were bad... and show some understanding"

 

With the help of our therapist - my wife surprisingly agreed to this - and I am supposed to expose my triggers honestly without bashing her - but with her voicing something along the lines of "I can see this bothers you -and reminds you of what I did... I wish that guy on TV would have learned how special his spouse is ...like I did"

 

It was a good therapy session. I have not felt free to openly express my triggers because I did not know how to do it right – and my wife did not know the right way to respond. It was attack and defend.....and my wife could not find a safe way to be accountable. This could be a big step for us. We will see how it works - i have been stuffing alot of triggers.

Edited July 26, 2013 by dichotomy

[Zenstudent]

27 months past D-day. I still think of them having sex quite often, not so much during sex anymore though. I have learned myself to not compare and compete - if she wants someone else for sex, she can have it - after divorce.

 

But... what I seem to have lost ATM is the tenderness, the close erotic connection, emotional sex. Sex has in some way become more physical - which saddens me a bit and is a cause of worry on my part - I used to enjoy it more. So still a lot of work to do in that department.

[drifter777]

Ok - sorry to divert from thread. But you asked.

 

I got mad the other day about the whole Anthony Weiner crap on TV. I simply got angry and walked away from wife and went to another room. She figured she did something right then to make me mad - like I was angry at dishes or something.

 

the next day in therapy my wife wanted to know what happened, when I began to explain...she started in with the "well that kind of guy makes me angry too!!! ...why did you not say it?"

 

I then explained "because I was angry at you over your texts/emails to OM. It was a trigger, and I could not express it for fear of an argument. I don't need to hear that you think this politician is bad, I want you to understand this reminds me of how YOU were bad... and show some understanding"

 

With the help of our therapist - my wife surprisingly agreed to this - and I am supposed to expose my triggers honestly without bashing her - but with her voicing something along the lines of "I can see this bothers you -and reminds you of what I did... I wish that guy on TV would have learned how special his spouse is ...like I did"

 

It was a good therapy session. I have not felt free to openly express my triggers because I did not know how to do it right – and my wife did not know the right way to respond. It was attack and defend.....and my wife could not find a safe way to be accountable. This could be a big step for us. We will see how it works - i have been stuffing alot of triggers.

I don't think this takes away from this thread at all. Triggers are a fact of life for the BS and our WS has to understand and not do the "why do we keep having to deal with this" which is so utterly callus. They should try to do something to help reassure the BS but also realize that sometimes he/she just needs some alone time to grieve. I'm sorry to read that expressing your triggers has been so difficult. Your wife really needs to get the fact that she devastated you. She owes you a lot of support.

[drifter777]

27 months past D-day. I still think of them having sex quite often, not so much during sex anymore though. I have learned myself to not compare and compete - if she wants someone else for sex, she can have it - after divorce.

 

But... what I seem to have lost ATM is the tenderness, the close erotic connection, emotional sex. Sex has in some way become more physical - which saddens me a bit and is a cause of worry on my part - I used to enjoy it more. So still a lot of work to do in that department.

Another poster asking similar things as OP.

 

It took me YEARS to regain the tender, passionate sex with my wife after her cheating. Years. It wasn't the mind-movies or even thinking about her with OM, it was the fact that a part of me hated her for what she did. I finally got to the point where I told her we either work on this or I'm leaving. Only then did I begin to make progress toward accepting who she is now and separating that from who she was then. In my mind it is more than ok to still hate the person she was. Its simply how I feel.

 

What you are describing is proof that you are nowhere near acceptance. You acknowledge you have a lot of work to do - what exactly are you doing? Remember, 27 months is not nearly enough time to have this ugly mess resolved. I hope you get there, but you still have a lot of hard, painful work left to do. So does she.

[AbeNormal]

I'm now in the 5th year post D-day.

 

As far as the sex triggers. It wasn't until 3 years out that the possibility of having sex without having a flash image of my wife with OM was possible. Now the during-sex triggers are about 50/50.

 

I'm 5 yrs post d-day and 14 years past affair, and I still think of it daily. Affairs are in the news every day and in the media constantly.

 

I will have to read this thread more carefully. But this is likely my issue - coming upon the two year mark now (when she confessed to the full sex thing - she confessed to "just kissing" many years ago - which was hard enough as I struggled though that - but it turns out it was all a lie - and somehow deep down I knew that, even though she told me I was "damaged/sick/weird" for not believing her).

 

I am SICK AND TIRED of the intrusive thoughts. I have pulled back (temporarily?) from the sex thing - although I still give my wife lots of attention in terms of "cuddling", "scratching" etc.

 

I feel like a wimp. Now that I have battled for such a long time (against trickle-truthing, gaslighting, etc. - things that I now think are over) I don't completely understand what is happening to me at this point in time.

 

Some sort of new "low" or "anger". I don't know. It should all be looking up now. I don't know whether this "funk" I find myself in now is normal, or is something specific to me.

 

I've been lied to for so many years...

Edited July 27, 2013 by AbeNormal

[NotCamelot]

It's hard to believe a thread can drift so far off track from the OPs original post. I asked for opinions and some have answered and tried to help. I really appreciate those people.

 

I think, for me, it's more of a remembering that she gave something away that I felt was the most highly treasured part of us.......intamacy. That was something promised to each other "forsaking all others". And the images in my mind are just that - thoughts.

 

I can't take that as a sign that we are not in a much better place now. I know that we are. And me remembering something so devastating is not a signal that we are not on the road to good times. How can a person ever forget something that hurt so bad......I don't think any sane person ever truly forgets.

 

I/we have put the demons behind us. We work everyday at loving each other......and, really, work is the wrong word....because it is not "work". With each day there is still 100% transparency.....she is doing everything to get my trust back. She knows it's not all there yet.....but she never comes close to a complaint about it.

 

EXAMPLE: She went to a "girls" event at a restaurant 3 weeks ago. I went home to wait. It was not easy. It was the first time she'd been anywhere without me since a few days before D-day. She called me on the way there. She called me mid-event. She called me as she was about to leave, staying on the phone all the way home. Afterward, one of the other girls called to inquire about her purchases at the jewelry event. AFter she got home, she told me to change clothes to go out to dinner. When we got to the restaurant and ordered, she told me to order, that she had eaten with the girls at the jewelry party. But she wanted me to have dinner out and with her. The next night we went out with that girl and her husband...both of whom are friends of mine - from long before my W and I were married 21 years ago......

 

So, for the doubters, I do indeed know where we are. I also know there is more to go through. I just wondered about the experiences of others that went down this rocky road.

[drifter777]

It's hard to believe a thread can drift so far off track from the OPs original post. I asked for opinions and some have answered and tried to help. I really appreciate those people.

 

I think, for me, it's more of a remembering that she gave something away that I felt was the most highly treasured part of us.......intamacy. That was something promised to each other "forsaking all others". And the images in my mind are just that - thoughts.

 

I can't take that as a sign that we are not in a much better place now. I know that we are. And me remembering something so devastating is not a signal that we are not on the road to good times. How can a person ever forget something that hurt so bad......I don't think any sane person ever truly forgets.

 

I/we have put the demons behind us. We work everyday at loving each other......and, really, work is the wrong word....because it is not "work". With each day there is still 100% transparency.....she is doing everything to get my trust back. She knows it's not all there yet.....but she never comes close to a complaint about it.

 

EXAMPLE: She went to a "girls" event at a restaurant 3 weeks ago. I went home to wait. It was not easy. It was the first time she'd been anywhere without me since a few days before D-day. She called me on the way there. She called me mid-event. She called me as she was about to leave, staying on the phone all the way home. Afterward, one of the other girls called to inquire about her purchases at the jewelry event. AFter she got home, she told me to change clothes to go out to dinner. When we got to the restaurant and ordered, she told me to order, that she had eaten with the girls at the jewelry party. But she wanted me to have dinner out and with her. The next night we went out with that girl and her husband...both of whom are friends of mine - from long before my W and I were married 21 years ago......

 

So, for the doubters, I do indeed know where we are. I also know there is more to go through. I just wondered about the experiences of others that went down this rocky road.

It sounds like everything is great - congratulations! As far as tenderness during sex with her, just get over it already. Time heals all wounds so stop living in the past.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

i think what you are feeling is pretty normal, really. We are 3 1/2 years out from my D-day and a little over 1 1/2 years from my husbands. I think his words after mine was "emasculated", "deeply hurt in his heart", "didn't understand what he had done" (which was nothing)", etc. Interestingly enough he never really asked me about what I did with XMM - he did ask questions about how many times, where, did it happen in our house, etc. I answered them all truthfully and he thanked me for that. I know during that first year I would wake up and he would sobbing in his sleep - IN HIS SLEEP! He didn't know he was. I hurt him so badly and I hate that - I truly do. I think now that we are far past that and because of his own situation, he sees things differently. But the one thing I know that haunts him is why XMM never apologized to him - they were friends and my husband considered him his friend but XOM never had the balls to face him although I met with his BS on a couple of occasions.

 

For me, specifically, I have flashes from time to time about what he might have done with his XOW - I am certain there were things that she did for him/to him that I was for some reason not able to do prior to his affair. I have never asked. Unfortunately the office building we own is tainted because that is where most of the encounters took place. I just don't go there often anymore and I feel bad because he has to walk into a place of work where it all happened and be reminded probably daily - nothing can be done about that until we are at a place where it can be sold.

 

I know my husband is pretty good at diverting his mind. It's probably because of his profession. He daily has to separate himself from his work when he comes home - it is how he was trained, so I imagine he does that regularly.

 

There was one time though that he said to me (during sex) "don't do that - it reminds me of how we were during sex while you were in the affair with XOM" - so I try very hard not to do that particular thing.

 

It honestly does get better. I don't know if it will ever be completely gone, but you are not even 18 months out yet. Truly the stats on recovery are very real - definitely 2-5 years and still no guaranty.

 

But you know what? I am okay with that. I love my husband and no matter where we are in 5 years, I know he will always be my friend. We have both hurt each other so much, but we are still here and still standing - and we are even starting to have more fun doing it.

 

Hang in there

[road]

Been a while since I posted.....but you "long-timers" here know the story.

 

Things are really good between W and me these days. The only issue is me triggering on memories sometimes. And I still think about what she did at least some part of every day, even though D-day was almost 15 months ago.

 

The hardest trigger of all is when we have sex. That is when I think about her and the OM being together. Now it is not as bad as it was last year, but I still think about it. She does not know that I think about that at that time. It has no effect on my "performance". But the mind-movies are hurtful just the same.

 

 

What I am asking from those that have been reconciled for a while is: how long can I expect this to go on? I really, really want this to stop.

 

And I really want to hear from the men who were BS's as well as the women.

 

I know I found it hard to believe back in the first few weeks after D-day when I read others saying it here, but it is true, our marriage is much stronger now that it was the first 20 years. It is really hard to describe.

 

How about OWL and SPARK........and the other "long-timers"....... give me some hope.....

 

 

Why do you think that people say recovery takes two to five years?

[Confused48]

 

I felt quite a bit better after the 2 year anniversary of our situation. The first year anniversaries were tough for me...the second year, they hurt a lot less. After that, I forgot about them for the most part.

 

Keep working at it. If you're happier now, odds are that you'll continue to improve. Now, if you were feeling just as bad or worse than you were a while ago...that would be a reason for concern.

 

I just realized that this past spring made about 9 years post d-day/whatever...and hadn't even thought about it being that 'anniversary' til just now. And the truth is...it doesn't matter one way or another anymore.

 

Ok Owl but do you too still think about the A every day? Like so many others here? I do. However I tend to not think of it during sex. As seems to be common. That would be awful.

 

I think I don't because I'm enjoying it so much that I'm just in the moment and the past can't intrude. The past seems irrelevant for the time we are doing that. It's my love language. I get focused on pleasing WS and am very pleased by WS. If I do think of it during sex it shuts me down right away.

 

I do often think of them being intimate at odd times. Like just looking at WS standing quietly. Or seeing WS nude when we are not intimate. Like getting dressed. I get feelings of revulsion and disgust. The images of such an intimate betrayal, ugh. I've gotten better at stopping them when I try. I often don't try to stop.. I feel a sick urge to let them play out. Like I am picking at a wound. Wallowing in self pity. Trying to hang onto the anger and pain.

 

For this and other reasons I'm going to try EMDR therapy. Anyone have an opinion on that?

[Spark1111]

I've had affair sex and so have you....think back seat of daddy's car with that boy, girl, mom and dad dislike.

 

It's forbidden and the anticipation builds with each day you can't be together, hence the thousands of texts, calls and emails.

 

The anticipation is the build up, the foreplay, but the actual sex? meh, not so good. really not good at all. The hormones, the anticipation, the secrecy.....just like an affair, make it seem over the top.

 

That is why so many experts advise exposure. For many caught up in this mix of hormones fueled by illicit ness, it breaks the spell. Not so much fun anymore. When the secrecy is gone, the hormone build up evaporates.

 

Stop torturing yourself. I realized my imagination was 10 times more vivid then the true 10 minutes on the sly they participated in....PULLEAZE.

 

Put a stop sign up in your brain....immediately when your brain starts to drift there and replace it with some remarkable memory of you and she together.

 

Affairs can rob one of so much, but the bottom line is it is your life, your happiness and your new marriage.

 

Do NOT let it rob you of all future joy too. Yes, there is a process to go through. If you are confident of your choice to give reconciliation a chance, give it your all.

 

Three years was a turning point for me....I just began to feel at peace and happy, really happy with where we are now.

[Confused48]

The images of such an intimate betrayal, ugh. I've gotten better at stopping them when I try. I often don't try to stop.. I feel a sick urge to let them play out. Like I am picking at a wound. Wallowing in self pity. Trying to hang onto the anger and pain.

 

 

 

Affairs can rob one of so much, but the bottom line is it is your life, your happiness and your new marriage.

 

Do NOT let it rob you of all future joy too. Yes, there is a process to go through. If you are confident of your choice to give reconciliation a chance, give it your all.

 

So the way you, Spark, see it, the OP and I are both sort of master of our own fate with respect to this issue. My IC agrees.

 

My IC of course led me to realize that I am hanging onto this. One thing she said about that though was there may be a rational reason for me to do this. I might not be safe yet. My WS might be ready to do it again. I might sense that and then be rationally hanging onto the anger and pain as a defense mechanism.

 

The OP and myself have to decide when the danger is over and if it is, then we need to be rational and let go of that.

 

I'm getting there myself. I do feel safe, for the most part, with WS. So I'm making an effort to at least try to stop thinking about them being intimate. Sometimes I still let myself. Sometimes it continues even when I try to stop. Both of those are probably indications that I'm not feeling 100% safe yet. Just better. I may never get to 100%. It appears a lot of the posters here do not get there. And so a little anger and pain is still needed.

 

Owl - you have been a long time from Dday. I hope you will answer my previous question about this issue.

[Owl]

Ok Owl but do you too still think about the A every day? Like so many others here? I do. However I tend to not think of it during sex. As seems to be common. That would be awful.

 

 

No, I don't think about the affair every day. It of course comes to mind when I post here on LS during the week, but rarely comes to mind outside of posting here.

 

And here's the key...I can look back on the affair and NOT feel the crushing weight of pain and sorrow that I felt back in the early periods of our recovery.

 

I think that's one of the key attributes of "true" recovery...you're able to process through it well enough that it's not the same vast amount of emotional devestation that it was then.

 

It can hurt sometimes thinking about it...but most of the time it's much more of a "that was then" sensation. Like looking back at any other bad period of your life...healing and time can provide a 'buffer' on the emotions you used to feel when it was fresher in your mind.

 

When I think about it in reference to posting here on LS...the pain is insignificant/nonexistant. On the rare occasion that something brings it up in conversation with my wife....same deal. And other than that...there's no reason for it to come to mind much anymore. I won't say that it doesn't come to mind...but it happens very rarely, and it doesn't really mean much when it does.

 

Hope that answers your question.

 

Wanted to add...my wife never had the opportunity to 'meet up' with OM physically. I don't have the 'mind movies' that others have...in that I don't have to fight off imagining them 'together' in that sense. What I have to deal with in it's place is the realization that she gave her HEART to him instead...which at the time was damned hard to cope with.

 

But I wanted to add that so that you could clearly understand where I'm coming from, and to pre-emptively bring it up before someone else does.

Edited July 30, 2013 by Owl

[Confused48]

 

Hope that answers your question.

 

Yes. And thank you very much. I suspected this was possible and it gives me hope.

[NotCamelot]

After reading the last few comments, it seems that I am right where I "should" be.......compared to others that have been there.

 

It's really funny when you're told to "let it go". How do you stop yourself from thinking of the worst thing to ever happen? I don't know.

 

It is indeed much, much better and the thoughts are much farther apart. I usually stay away from LS these days as it is in itself a trigger. Hopefully, in the furture, I will be able to visit here to lend a little advice without the fear of revisiting my own hurt.