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Would it bother you if your partner was attracted to you only because of personality?

PJKino

By PJKino
in General Relationship Discussion

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Babolat Established Member

Babolat

Posted
Posted
If there's no physical attraction, that's not a relationship; that's a friendship.

 

Your statement above makes little sense because being conventionally attractive has little do with someone finding you physically attractive.

 

I am willing to bet that every single person here on LS has been attracted to a person who would not be considered conventionally hot.

 

Exactly. I am sometimes told the woman I date, physically, do not "match" me; meaning they are less attractive than me or not at the same "level".

 

I tend to go for the classy, more natural, school teacher looks, versus the hottie look.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
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A man can turn me on without being physically attractive. These are not the same thing.

 

A good example is the many, many times that a character turns me on immensely, when the actor (out of character) isn't physically attractive to me at all.

 

In the end, if he turns me on, then I am attracted.

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white Established Member

white

Posted
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I'd rather be told that than vice versa. I'd still find it a kick in the teeth.

 

Some people in this thread should counterpoint this upcoming anecdotal evidence with their own and realise how full of **** they are... they know who they are:

 

I have found more than once that over a long enough period or under certain circumstances, someone's personality can make me desire them physically where I did not before.

 

If you'd like examples, I used to have a lady friend who, to be honest, was a landwhale. She was a bloater. I knew her from school. I was never attracted to her at all. We grew closer a long time after school in our mid twenties. I started to realise she was very accommodating of philosophy, easygoing, smart, funny etc. I would spend days round her house where the level of mutual comfort was like we'd been married twenty years. I started to find I didn't see that fat any more. I looked at her and saw someone I was intensely attracted to. I could see she was still fat with my eyes, but I didn't register it in my mind any more; the sight or thought of her turned me on like she was a hot slender babe.

 

Another example; an old family acquaintance, a woman who would cut the families hair. Knew me from the age of 11. Cut our hair through to when I moved out then I carried on having her do it. Point is she was an old old friend. Physically slim and fit but not pretty and very short, which isn't something I like. When I'm about age 26, when she's in her mid-late thirties, she's experienced yet another failed relationship and is telling me about it while she does my hair and without thinking I said something supportive along the lines of all these guys must be crazy. She stood in front of me with a look on her face and... some small things were said and done that we instantly regretted (not too much, just enough not to repeat it, mainly because it squicked us out thinking she'd known me as a boy). The point is up to then she'd just been our hair lady, zero interest either way, but somehow in the moment I saw that long history laid out, and a fragile woman who deserved more because she was a good person, I wanted to make her happy and honestly, another time and place, I would have taken things further. Despite not having ever thought of her as attractive. Would've been hell to explain to my parents though.

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FitChick Established Member

FitChick

Posted
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A man can turn me on without being physically attractive. These are not the same thing. A good example is the many, many times that a character turns me on immensely, when the actor (out of character) isn't physically attractive to me at all.

 

True for me, too.

miss_jaclynrae Established Member

miss_jaclynrae

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I have never dated someone who I thought was physically unattractive.

 

I have dated men who were not the most physically appealing, but then again, I was attracted to them based on the whole package, not just their looks.

 

 

 

So saying that physically I didn't like them wouldn't be true. i don't even know how something like this would even come up.

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ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

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It depends.

 

If a woman's mode of attraction encompasses and goes beyond just the physical, then it can link. She may be more attracted to your mind, but if your mind still makes her horny then it's not quite the same as her not being physically attracted to you.

 

Sometimes the whole looks thing goes beyond what you think it does.

 

As for me? If she's attracted to my persona but not physically attracted then it's not really a relationship. Why would I subscribe to it? Obviously there must be more to it than physical, but if it's a negative then I imagine any sex life would be negligible rather than fulfilling.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted

 

As for me? If she's attracted to my persona but not physically attracted then it's not really a relationship. Why would I subscribe to it? Obviously there must be more to it than physical, but if it's a negative then I imagine any sex life would be negligible rather than fulfilling.

 

What if she's immeasurably turned on by you, and wants to have hot sex with you, but it is something other than your appearance turning her on?

 

Separate question--is sexual attraction based on appearance more gratifying than from other sources?

ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

Posted
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What if she's immeasurably turned on by you, and wants to have hot sex with you, but it is something other than your appearance turning her on?

 

This would depend on the girl. If she's something of a sapiosexual or my physical appearance is moot point then that would be perfectly fine. I'm used to women liking me for my mind anyway :p.

 

Separate question--is sexual attraction based on appearance more gratifying than from other sources?

 

I wouldn't say that is so. Sexual attraction is what it is, and people experience it differently. Problem is so many people intertwine physical with sexual as always. If a woman is not sexually attracted to me for physical reasons yet decides to date me anyway, that is the scenario I wouldn't want. However, if she finds me sexually attractive regardless of my physical appearance, that is just as good as physical sexual attraction.

 

I have experienced sexual attraction of many kinds. Physical is the most noticeable, but my attraction in terms of physical is slightly different from the norm in that I like thicker girls and I have an attraction to things that others probably wouldn't bother noticing :laugh:.

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Shepp Established Member

Shepp

Posted
Posted
Sex is only a small part of life. You'd be surprised how many married people don't have much, if any sex. They simply don't need it. You can love your family and children without banging them (unless you live in West Virginia). Maybe a spouse/bf,gf can be more of a companion/partner, and not a sex partner.

 

Maybe they can - but not for me - I need my girlfriend to be completely into me - personality wise and looks.

It would bother me if she was only with me for my looks and it would bother me if she was only with me for my personality.

I don't want to be settled for - I deserve more than that!

  • Like 1
therhythm Established Member

therhythm

Posted
Posted
What if she's immeasurably turned on by you, and wants to have hot sex with you, but it is something other than your appearance turning her on?

 

Separate question--is sexual attraction based on appearance more gratifying than from other sources?

 

sexual attraction is based on physical attraction .... Of course there are other factors that help but at the end of the day sex is a physical act .

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted
sexual attraction is based on physical attraction .... Of course there are other factors that help but at the end of the day sex is a physical act .

 

It's a physical act. But the desire to climb a person's body like a tree doesn't necessarily generate from attraction to their appearance.

 

I'm thinking here also about the very long term, when we all age and have bodies that are ultimately not so physically attractive, yet we can still have strong sexual attraction and chemistry. Maybe even stronger than in the beauty of youth!

  • Like 3
therhythm Established Member

therhythm

Posted
Posted
It's a physical act. But the desire to climb a person's body like a tree doesn't necessarily generate from attraction to their appearance.

 

I'm thinking here also about the very long term, when we all age and have bodies that are ultimately not so physically attractive, yet we can still have strong sexual attraction and chemistry. Maybe even stronger than in the beauty of youth!

 

That attraction and chemistry is still physical, we are not saying that a person needs to be good looking to be able to attract another .... what we say is that a person needs to find other person physically attractive (what ever he/she looks like) to be sexually aroused by him/her

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xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
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That attraction and chemistry is still physical, we are not saying that a person needs to be good looking to be able to attract another .... what we say is that a person needs to find other person physically attractive (what ever he/she looks like) to be sexually aroused by him/her

 

I understand what you are saying, and I disagree.

 

I don't need to be attracted to a man's appearance to be strongly aroused by him sexually.

TheMeatloafJuggler Member

TheMeatloafJuggler

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I would only be "bothered" if they let the situation progress without talking about it.

 

For example, if I took someone out on several dates, and we got to the physical intimacy part, then after a couple of weeks, they told me, "Hey, I don't find you attractive" To me, that would suck the worst. Generally though, in the beginning, if someone told me I was not attractive to them, I'd respect that decision entirely and wish them luck.

 

I don't believe it's decent to keep someone around long enough to debate whether you should settle for them, I think that's really a low class thing to do to someone, and I think it can very easily happen if one or both parties don't speak up.

 

Honestly, as a guy, and from a guy's viewpoint, I've never met a woman in my life where looks did not matter. For generally attractive women, it was a big deal. For generally unattractive women, it was a big deal, if only so they could feel they were "just as good" the women they saw always getting more attention. In the cases where an unattractive women dated an unattractive man, I've never seen a case where the woman didn't show outright contempt for the man over time. Since most women do the "picking", I've observed that most women want to find a man who loves them for them, not just the physical, but want to reserve the right to get a "certain kind of guy"

 

I'm not saying there are no ugly guys out there lacking grand delusions about what they can really get, I just find more generally unattractive women tend to be more demanding about looks than unattractive men.

SteveC80 Established Member

SteveC80

Posted
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For me to want to be naked and have the urge to get dirty and play around with a womens most intimate of areas and want to explore her head to toe i have to be very physically attracted otherwise its not appetizing to me

therhythm Established Member

therhythm

Posted
Posted
I understand what you are saying, and I disagree.

 

I don't need to be attracted to a man's appearance to be strongly aroused by him sexually.

 

Ok, I am not going to discuss with you ... and much less on what get you turned on or not... I guess you know what does it for you.

 

I anyway going to tell you that the immense majority of the population get aroused by people they feel physical attraction for. That is one of the reasons why good looking people are much more successful sexually than people who lack those physical attributes.

GorillaTheater Established Member

GorillaTheater

Posted
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I don't need to be attracted to a man's appearance to be strongly aroused by him sexually.

 

I'll take the middle ground here. I'm still wildly attracted to my 49-year-old wife, not only because she's objectively physically attractive, but because of over 30 years of life shared together and everything that goes along with that AND her (usually) wonderful personality.

 

Alot of factors go into the mix for me, including but certainly not limited to the physical.

  • Like 3
xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted
Ok, I am not going to discuss with you ... and much less on what get you turned on or not... I guess you know what does it for you.

 

I anyway going to tell you that the immense majority of the population get aroused by people they feel physical attraction for. That is one of the reasons why good looking people are much more successful sexually than people who lack those physical attributes.

 

I can be attracted by the physical, too. I know what that is like.

 

I also know what it is like to be attracted by something other than physical appearance--and I know that it can be just as powerful. Maybe even more so.

  • Like 1
SteveC80 Established Member

SteveC80

Posted
Posted
Ok, I am not going to discuss with you ... and much less on what get you turned on or not... I guess you know what does it for you.

 

I anyway going to tell you that the immense majority of the population get aroused by people they feel physical attraction for. That is one of the reasons why good looking people are much more successful sexually than people who lack those physical attributes.

 

I agree its why theyres a friendzone and why most couples are on the same level of attractiveness people go for the best looking person they can get.

 

I dont doubt xxoo feels attraction that way but most dont

therhythm Established Member

therhythm

Posted
Posted
I can be attracted by the physical, too. I know what that is like.

 

I also know what it is like to be attracted by something other than physical appearance--and I know that it can be just as powerful. Maybe even more so.

 

Again, great for you if you get such a sexual arousal from someone''s personality... it is not common anyway... ask around to struggling people and they will tell you how many women have they had sex thanks to their amazing personality ;)

 

I am not denying your capacity to get aroused with a personality connection... who am I to tell you what turns you on? I am just telling you that most of the mortals need physical stimulation to get aroused (therefore porn is about handsome people having sex and not about people with amazing personalities ;) )

ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

Posted
Posted
I'll take the middle ground here. I'm still wildly attracted to my 49-year-old wife, not only because she's objectively physically attractive, but because of over 30 years of life shared together and everything that goes along with that AND her (usually) wonderful personality.

 

Alot of factors go into the mix for me, including but certainly not limited to the physical.

I am the same. I desire a package. And granted, while I do experience physical attraction in a very strong way, the things I'm physically attracted to does differ to some degree from a lot of guys. But I strongly desire a mental element to truly have a fulfilling experience with someone while dating or even just having sex. It is why I'm especially attracted to intelligent and somewhat challenging women too.

 

I digress, the physical attraction must be complemented in equal measure by mental attraction for me.

  • Like 2
xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted
Again, great for you if you get such a sexual arousal from someone''s personality... it is not common anyway... ask around to struggling people and they will tell you how many women have they had sex thanks to their amazing personality ;)

 

I am not denying your capacity to get aroused with a personality connection... who am I to tell you what turns you on? I am just telling you that most of the mortals need physical stimulation to get aroused (therefore porn is about handsome people having sex and not about people with amazing personalities ;) )

 

Obviously I'm answering for myself....

 

But I think you underestimate the affect of certain personality traits on many women. Porn is generally for men. Women's erotica has a storyline--with a charming man.

therhythm Established Member

therhythm

Posted
Posted
I am the same. I desire a package. And granted, while I do experience physical attraction in a very strong way, the things I'm physically attracted to does differ to some degree from a lot of guys. But I strongly desire a mental element to truly have a fulfilling experience with someone while dating or even just having sex. It is why I'm especially attracted to intelligent and somewhat challenging women too.

 

I digress, the physical attraction must be complemented in equal measure by mental attraction for me.

 

Guys.... you are losing the main point of the thread... we are not talking about having only physical attraction... If you see my first post (see bellow in bold) I also need a person to like me for my personality.

 

The point is, would you want to be with someone who doesn't find you physically attractive? My answer is still no

100% in agreement... if she would not find me physically attractive that is a deal breaker... as much as she would not find my personality attractive ....
therhythm Established Member

therhythm

Posted
Posted
Obviously I'm answering for myself....

 

But I think you underestimate the affect of certain personality traits on many women. Porn is generally for men. Women's erotica has a storyline--with a charming man.

 

I do know what physical attraction do to women... believe me I know that...

Not to all of course but I am a living proof of what I am telling you.

GorillaTheater Established Member

GorillaTheater

Posted
Posted
The point is, would you want to be with someone who doesn't find you physically attractive? My answer is still no

 

Sorry, maybe I lost the thread of the thread.

 

Put that way, I agree. It's very important for me to be physically attractive to my wife. A sub-plot here is that I have to do my part to make sure I am.

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