BF instant messaging my bestfriend(who's a flirt) and I dont like it...

[sallyhurts]

Hey, I've been dating my bf for a little over a year now.

 

after about 3 months of us going out, my bf and my bestfriend(who's away to college, about 1.5 hours away, comes home on the weeks sometimes) started talking via AIM.

 

I never told my bestfriend that they should start talking, but i copy and pasted a convo that my bf and I had to her once and she kept his sceenname.

 

she IMed him once when him and i were in a fight, calling him "lame". I got pissed at her for doing that cuz our fight wasn't her business it get in the middle of.

 

Anyways, he kept her screen-name after that.

 

Later on he started having convos with her on AIM. (he iniciated the convos at first).

He told me about this, he didnt' try to hide it.

 

He said his intentions werent to flirt, but to just be friends with my bestfriend.

 

My bestfriend is a "cock-tease" around guys, so I try to avoid her having contact with guys I'm interested in.

 

I told him it made me feel uncomfortable that they talked.

 

We had a huge discussion about it.

....

So here we are about 9 months later.

 

I have seen on both of their computers that they nerver took each other off of their friends list.

 

So I have been a little paranoid that they might have been talking, but havnt thought too much, cuz my bf knew it bothered me.

 

So, the other day he told me he got home really late and saw my bestfriend was online and he IMed her and they ended up having at 10 minute conversation.

 

I got pissed. I didn't yell at him, but I told him clearly then that I never felt comfortable with them talking and I thought he knew this.

 

He said he didnt understand why, unless I felt threatened, which i shouldnt.

 

I told him to just respect my feelings in this circumstance. That I'm not telling him not to talk to one of his friends, I'm telling him that i dont want him talking to my friend.

 

Our conversaton hasn't been resolved yet.

 

Do you think I am wrong in this situation?

 

honesty please.

[Barby]

Honestly NO! WHY OH WHY would your "best friend" especially if she is a flirt, keep in contact with your boyfriend??!!! And it doesn't say much for him talking to her since he knows you are uncomfortable with it!

 

I would be worried because she is YOUR best friend NOT HIS and he shouldn't be talking online to her...that to me is a line someone shouldn't cross (in my opinion)

Wouldn't he feel weird if you chatted online to his best friend? Wouldn't he be worried about what his best friend was saying or trying to do to you?

 

I wouldn't trust them talking (you know some people who proclaim to be your 'best friend' only have their interests at heart and tend to 'ignore' obligations to their 'best friend') Be careful.

[JessicaAlmond]

Trust me I know exactly where you are comming from.

 

I had a bestfriend that just loved attention. She was a total "cock-tease" and that's the only way she could get guys. She could only get them that way and couldn't keep them. She was also very jealous of me and my relationship yet at the same time vain and thought she could get any guy.

 

She also got in the middle of one of our fights and kept his screename and would then start having conversations through AIM.

 

I hated it because in her head I knew she was thinking ha he's with her but talking to me...Idk stupid things. I hated the fact that even though nothing was going on...I hated her thinking she had the upperhand or her thinking she had a bond with him that I didn't or something. I don't know it's hard to explain.

 

Point is I didn't like it and I told him and he's stopped.

I think you should let him know again how much it really bothers you and that it needs to end. Tell your friend too..tell her you don't feel comfortable with them talking. Also, if you can't trust your bestfriend I think you need to reconsider your relationship with her. Because though my new bestfriend is a bit of a "cocktease" as well I know I wouldn't worry about her talking with my bf online because we have trust and respect between us and she could hoe around with other guys but she knows my guy is off limits.

[sallyhurts]

thanks for the replies!

 

But my boyfriend is making feel like I'm just being overly jealous in this situation.

 

am I?

 

keep the replies coming if you please....

[Barby]

But my boyfriend is making feel like I'm just being overly jealous in this situation.

 

am I?

 

keep the replies coming if you please....

 

 

IMHO NOOOO! If he is defending it then maybe there is more going on, ask him if you can see the conversation archive (i don't know if AIM has one) and if he won't let you then I'd be very worried.....

 

If he won't stop or is annoyed by you asking him to stop then again I'd be thinking he has interest in her. That's sad!

 

You are not over-re-acting. It's bad if he doesn't respect your feelings!

[JessicaAlmond]

Have you asked him how he would feel if you and a close (flirty ) friend of his talked on AIM?

[sallyhurts]

Originally posted by JessicaAlmond

Have you asked him how he would feel if you and a close (flirty ) friend of his talked on AIM?

 

 

Yeah, he doesn't care. I mean, we mostly hang out with his guy friends all the time. I dont flirt with them. but I'm friends with one of them and my bf doesn't get jealous over it, so he always uses that argument that then I shouldnt be jealous.

[faux]

You do realize that you cannot dictate to whom your boyfriend can, and cannot talk, right? If your boyfriend wants to talk to your friend, then he has that right. Unless you have some good reasons to not trust him, I think you should stop getting worked up over this, which I know is easier said than done. If you are having a problem with your boyfriend chatting with this girl, it is a sign that you do not trust your boyfriend. Saying that you do not trust "her" is really saying that you do not trust "him".

[The_Analyzer]

Of course hes making you feel like you're overly jealous, that way it will make him look like hes trying to justify what it is he is doing. Neither one of them obviously cares about your feelings or they woudn't keep doing it. Especailly your b/f. He should put a stop to it, however I doubt he will. hes getting something out of it or he wouldn't keep doing it. I would keep a watch on it, and if it continues maybe you should dump them both.

 

 

just my 2 cents.

[relention]

wow i am really surprised about what you guys have responded. I think that you are totally over-reacting and that you should trust your boyfriend. Whats wrong with him talking to your best friend? If shes flirty so what, trust him! If shes flirty and he flirtsa back thats abit different but it doesnt seem like ehs done anything wrong. I know that I would want to know my boyfriends best friend and I would talk to him online not a problem. Talk to your friend and tell her how you feel, im sure if shes your friend she will reserve herself for the guy that you love. Also if the guy loves you he will not do anything wrong. So trust him. Yes you are wrong, yes you are being EXTREMLY jealous. I can understand you worrying because of the way your friend is, but all you gotta do is talk to her.

[Adunaphel]

I think it is very understandable that you asked your bf to remove her from his aim contact list, and in my opinion he should respect your feelings.

 

Yet, your bf might just be trying not to offend a girl you care about, or he could be totally innocent - if he talks to her only very seldom and would not flirt back if she tries to flirt, then you have nothing to worry about. They might even be talking nicely about you all the time, who knows.

 

You have told your bf that you are not confortable with him talking to your flirty friend....but did you tell this to your friend, as well?

It is **her** the first person you should discuss this issue with.

 

Voice your concern, let her know you are unconfortable with her having your bf's AIM addess, inform her that you'd rather she didn't chat with him.

See her reactions.

She might agree with you and stop talking to him, or she might reassure you that you have nothing to worry about, or even offer to show you the conversations she has had with him on AIM(if AIM has a chat log option).

 

If she dismiss your request, ditch her because she is *not* a friend, let alone your best friend.

 

My bestfriend is a "cock-tease" around guys, so I try to avoid her having contact with guys I'm interested in.

 

If she is your best friend, she should avoid herself to flirt around guys you are interested in!! It is called respecting your friendship!

 

In my experience, ladies who would flirt with guys their best friends are interested in, 'just because they can't help it and being a flirt is part of their personality', are not worth hanging out with and sooner or later end up causing trouble.

[sallyhurts]

Originally posted by Adunaphel

You have told your bf that you are not confortable with him talking to your flirty friend....but did you tell this to your friend, as well?

It is **her** the first person you should discuss this issue with.

 

 

Yes, I talked to her about it right when they began chatting with each other about 9 months ago.

Her reaction?

She got pissed at me and didnt talk to me for a week.

She said I was ridiculous and didnt trust her.

[tokyo]

I think it´s understandable that you feel jealous, there might be something going on between them and there might be nothing between them. I would feel offended if a friend of mine assumed I was trying to snatch her boyfriend, but on the other hand I think I´m usually the least person to make my friends jealous and hurt their feelings with intention.

 

Talk with your friend again, in a nice way. Voice your concern, but don´t attack her. Also talk with your boyfriend and maybe ask him why he likes chatting with her.

 

If they both say there is absolutely nothing, then you will have to trust them. If you don´t, you will ruin your friendship and your relationship for sure. If they are the kind of people who are not able to respect your feelings and cheat on you then you can not prevent it anyway. And you will certainly find out, sooner or later. Sounds stupid, but if they are not worth it, let them show you that they do not deserve your friendship instead of ruining it before with unjustified mistrust.

 

I personally think you should be with people who are able to give you some feeling of trust and security, if not they are not your friends or partners and it´s all a fake.

[innocntlisy1981]

i do

[dizi]

In my opinion, it's inappropriate for them to be having private conversations, period. That's where problems start. I take it you're never present when they have these conversations...You'd think your "best friend" would respect your wishes and not ignore you for a week after you tell her your feelings... Why couldn't either of them just say, "Well, we really don't talk about much-just small talk, but if it will make you feel better, I won't do that anymore"? Why must their friendship continue? Have they built up something that they aren't telling you about? What would be their loss? I don't blame you for questioning them.

 

I know that I would want to know my boyfriends best friend and I would talk to him online not a problem.- relention

 

Getting to know your significant others' friends is fine, as long as they are present. That is appropriate. My best friend asked her husband to go over to my house to help me with something, but out of respect for her, he didn't go without her. It's not that he was afraid that I might hit on him or vice versa, it's just the way it should be.

 

When my boyfriends' friend would call and I'd answer the phone, I might have a small conversation with him, but my bf would be right there. I wouldn't go out of my way to call him or IM him. That's just not right.

 

If she dismiss your request, ditch her because she is *not* a friend, let alone your best friend-Adunaphel

 

I have to agree. And I think the same goes for your boyfriend. You can tell them, " Perhaps there is no harm in your conversations, but I would feel better if it didn't continue, and I'd appreciate it if you'd respect my feelings- after all, I'm supposed to be your girlfriend/best friend. " Why do they NEED to talk?

 

...hes getting something out of it or he wouldn't keep doing it-the Analyzer *Exactomundo...*

 

If they can't respect you and are afraid they would "lose" their friendship, and it means more to them than you do, I think it's safe to say that you should dump them both. Don't listen to him when he tells you how jealous you are. If he's not willing to end it, he really doesn't care how you feel anyway... I hate to say it....

[Orchid]

I mean, we mostly hang out with his guy friends all the time. I dont flirt with them. but I'm friends with one of them and my bf doesn't get jealous over it, so he always uses that argument that then I shouldnt be jealous.

 

Whilst I understand your uncomfortableness at this triangle, you really dont have a leg to stand on given that you yourself have befriended his friend on a one to one basis. If it's your value that your partner not be buddy buddy with your girlfriends on a one to one basis then set that example by your own behaviours and actions first. Otherwise all you've got on your hands is your own double standards and hipocracy.

[tokyo]

I have to admit there are so many guys that you can talk with that insisting that you want to talk with your best friends boyfriends looks a bit strange. My friend would always have priority. If I started to have such an intense interest in talking to a certain guy it probably would mean I´m starting to fall for him.

 

I´m kind of in a similar situation. I know an Aussie I met once on a trip and we stayed in contact by email. It wasn´t really great communication, just an email occasionally. I introduced him to a friend of mine who I thought might want to have a native English speaker as penpal in order to improve her English, I also knew he fitted her description of the ideal man perfectly Anyway, they met now and there´s a strong mutual interest.

 

He´s now in London, she´s in Spain and the situation is a bit delicate. I try not to email him too much and I try not to make her jealous, she is a bit insecure about it and I sense it. It´s strange actually, because it was me who introduced him to her, she shouldn´t assume so much. I also don´t think I will email him too often, because I know he finds me attractive and I do not want to bond with him through writing emails to each other, he might understand it as interest and I don´t want this. I also don´t want to make him uncomfortable, because he won´t be able to tell if I write to him, because I like writing or because I´m interested in him. I really care too much for my friend to risk creating misunderstandings.

[sallyhurts]

thank you for all the replies.

 

Im still uncertain about the whole situation.

 

I talked to him about it.

 

it was a loonnng convesation.

 

the conclusion was that he wouldnt IM her again. Hes not going to block her though. and if she IMs him, he wont ignore her, but would just keep the conversation brief.

 

he told me that he wasn't happy about this at all, that it seems like I have doubts in him.

 

Also, he said that by me asking him not to talk to her, he would be "appeasing" me and he didnt want to do that.

[dizi]

He may not IM her again, but nothing is stopping her from doing it. You aren't around when they have these conversations, so how will you know if he "cuts it short"? Why won't he block her? Why can't he tell her that their friendship is inappropriate and it jeopardizes YOUR relationship? He tells you that he won't block her to "appease" you- doesn't he care about your happiness? Which relationship is more important to him...? If he can't do that, you have every right to doubt him! Too bad if he isn't happy about it. What about YOUR happiness??

You also need to talk to your "best friend" about it, like I said in my previous post.

The fact that he cares so much about this friendship and won't give an inch says that it's become more than just small-small talk. What do they talk about? Ever ask that? I'll bet it's none of your business, and you just bite the bullet. Stop letting this guy walk all over you. Don't let him make you believe that you are being paranoid or immature. You're totally justified. Respect yourself!! You deserve better!! You need to think that if you give him an ultimatum and he still refuses, that you can walk away knowing you did the right thing. You don't need his sh*t. Get with someone who is willing to make sacrifices and cares about your happiness.

 

Good luck..

[Orchid]

Sorry Sallyhurts, but I smell a big dirty rat.

 

Do no tolerate any man who tells you he won't do something for you in the name of not 'appeasing' you, especially in the context of this situation. I would have calmly told him to stick a barbeque fork in me because I was done.

 

He's hiding something because his only defense is offense. It's a classic reaction to guilt. He's overtly manipulating you with his offense to keep the focus off himself, and at the same time using it to keep the status quo with your friend.

 

For starters - and keep your focus on this no matter what he comes at you with - these lines should never have been crossed in the first place. It's inappropriate to be enganging in this sort of friendship, and it's way inappropriate to be wanting to continue it no matter what.

 

Secondly, he should be wanting to put you first and foremost over your friend, no if's and's or but's. He's not. Instead, what he's doing is putting himself first, her second and you last.... he's clearly showing you what your pecking order is. Actions will ALWAYS speak louder than words.

 

If you had no clear reason to doubt him before, he's surely given you a few now, so tell him yes, it seems like you do have doubts about him.

 

Personally, I'd be giving him his marching orders, he's untrustworthy as is your girlfriend, they deserve each other. If he's not willing to lift a finger now to look after the integrity of your relationship, then he hasn't got much to offer you in the future.