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Falling for another girl, when my girlfriend needs me more than ever

Kevin86

By Kevin86
in The Other Man / Woman

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Kevin86 New Member

Kevin86

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I just need some advice. I've been with my current girlfriend for 5 years and it's been the most unbelievable 5 years. Early this year she broke some devastating news to me that she had been raped. My world fell apart, I couldn't believe this had happened to the girl I love more then anyone. This past year has been so difficult for her, she has been very distant to me, and hasn't been very nice to be around, but that is totally understandable. I've worked through this with her holded her when she cries, I constantly tell her that this is not her fault. Like I say she has been very distant with me, but I have just got on with it because I didn't want to lose her. Recently I was out with a bunch of friends and met this girl, the connection I had with her was unbelievable, we spent the night talking and talking. I couldn't get this girl out my head, so I got her number which I know I shouldn't have. We've been texting a lot, I told her about what has happened and she has been a very good listener, I think about her every single day, and I'm ashamed because I know my poor girlfriend needs me, I feel like I've cheated already. This girl has told me she likes but there is no way she could ever act on it because I have a girlfriend and she's fine being friends with me. We are all going to a music festivals to together next month and she will be there, I know the more I see her, the more these feelings will get stronger. I feel terrible, like the worse boyfriend ever. I can't break up with my current girlfriend because I'm worried it might send her over the edge.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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No.

Break up with her.

 

Is she in counselling?

Has she confided in anyone else? Family? A close friend?

 

If you continue this lie, this façade, simply because you feel sorry for her - and I know this is a strong way of putting it - you are abusing her good nature.

And she's already been abused by someone who didn't give a damn about her.

So to be 'abused' by someone she thought cared deeply for her, is harmful too.

 

Stop lying to her.

 

Speak to her family if they know, or confide in one of her friends - not to ask them what you should do, but to explain that you're not in love with her, and you realise how vulnerable she feels.

 

While your caring sentiments are admirable, your motives for staying with her, are not. It's just for pity's sake and it's not right.

  • Like 6
It-is-what-it-is. Established Member

It-is-what-it-is.

Posted
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I just need some advice. I've been with my current girlfriend for 5 years and it's been the most unbelievable 5 years. Early this year she broke some devastating news to me that she had been raped. My world fell apart, I couldn't believe this had happened to the girl I love more then anyone. This past year has been so difficult for her, she has been very distant to me, and hasn't been very nice to be around, but that is totally understandable. I've worked through this with her holded her when she cries, I constantly tell her that this is not her fault. Like I say she has been very distant with me, but I have just got on with it because I didn't want to lose her. Recently I was out with a bunch of friends and met this girl, the connection I had with her was unbelievable, we spent the night talking and talking. I couldn't get this girl out my head, so I got her number which I know I shouldn't have. We've been texting a lot, I told her about what has happened and she has been a very good listener, I think about her every single day, and I'm ashamed because I know my poor girlfriend needs me, I feel like I've cheated already. This girl has told me she likes but there is no way she could ever act on it because I have a girlfriend and she's fine being friends with me. We are all going to a music festivals to together next month and she will be there, I know the more I see her, the more these feelings will get stronger. I feel terrible, like the worse boyfriend ever. I can't break up with my current girlfriend because I'm worried it might send her over the edge.

 

You are cheating on her. It's called an emotional affair, and it is AS DAMAGING as a physical affair.

 

You have two choices- end your relationship with your girlfriend, or end your friendship with the other girl (no texting, no Facebook, no concerts)

 

Your girlfriend is having a bad time and the stress of dealing with that makes you vulnerable for an affair. I mean who doesn't want someone to want them?

 

Attraction is biological and chemical, what you are feeling are those feelings that were created to ensure the replication of the species. Those feeling go away with time, it's biology. Fact. And what you are left with is mature love with which long term relationships are based. And to keep a relationship going is commitment and that mature love.

 

However, if you are not willing to be in the relationship with your girlfriend, you owe it to her to breakup. Not everyone can stick it out during the bad times. Not every love has legs.

 

Will it hurt her,yes. Will you look like a dirtbag, yep. But if you continue the path you have chosen you are IN.FACT.A.CHEATER.already

 

it goes on your permanent record. Have you ever cheated "yes" (um...next) see the thread on "would you ever date a cheater" lots of people say no.

 

Don't think that you are doing your girlfriend, who you say you love, any favors by having your emotions and needs fulfilled by a relationship where you have already admitted your feelings for each other. Next step in the cheaters handbook is for you to tell the girlfriend you love her but are not in love with her. That is so predictable it has its own acronym (ilybinilwy).

 

Man up. Pick one.

  • Like 3
darkmoon Established Member

darkmoon

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Pity? The three women I know who have been raped (was one) did not revel in the sadness so much as get moved on by new factors/relationships turning up, but OP's girlfriend is clinging onto catastrophe here, giving masochism and lack of desire to help herself, in general not great, mmm, bit wary, OP might be in for harder life than he thinks, having to be therapist and one-man funster long-term. Also, I agree with TaraMaiden and It-is.

Edited by darkmoon
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Kevin86 New Member

Kevin86

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She is refusing to go to counselling at the minute, I've spoke with her mum but she said that she can a closed book sometimes. Because the police have investigated and have dropped the charges on thr male becaus they cannot prove it, shes blaming herself now. I know I feel like a dirt bag, I'd never act on this, but speaking to this girl has been like theraphy to me, aswell. I know I owe it to my girlfriend to be honest, do I just break up with her and give no reason?, I know I need to be honest , but I can't tell her I have feelings for someone else.

waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

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Do you still love her? If you do, and I wasn't sure from your post, stay away from OW as it won't help either you or your GF. However it sounds as if your GF needs counselling and/or medical assistance to start to get over this. If you don't you need to move on - no-one wants to keep someone a prisoner in a relationship through pity.

 

I have never been raped so I can only imagine how traumatised she feels now. I have been betrayed and that is pretty dreadful too - in fact so far the worst experience of my life. Don't add one trauma to another.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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Tell her you have feelings for her but they're based on sympathy not love.

Tell her you know it's wrong to stay with her while you're not feeling it.

 

Advise her to go to counselling, because believe me, she will need it - not about your leaving her, but the rape.

 

(When did this happen?)

  • Like 1
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Kevin86 New Member

Kevin86

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It happened in March, she was at a house with friends, she said she felt fine and was ordering a taxi to go home, then she woke up in some bed naked and no one was in the house, her friends thought she had left. The thing is, last year she broke up with me and I was heartbroken. We got back together after 3 months she said she needed to find herself. Two months ago she was talking about breaking up with me again, now I didn't know wether this was because of the rape, or she had the same feeling as last year, when I asked her she said she can just feel herself pushing me away. So obviously speaking to this girl has got me through some of this, because I've had no one to really speak to it about. I find myself being more distant with her now, because I'm speaking to this girl, and I feel lie a horrible man, but now my girlfriend has been sending me I love you messages and kissing me a lot more then she has been since the rape, its like she's picked up on it.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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It happened in March, she was at a house with friends, she said she felt fine and was ordering a taxi to go home, then she woke up in some bed naked and no one was in the house, her friends thought she had left. The thing is, last year she broke up with me and I was heartbroken. We got back together after 3 months she said she needed to find herself. Two months ago she was talking about breaking up with me again, now I didn't know wether this was because of the rape, or she had the same feeling as last year, when I asked her she said she can just feel herself pushing me away. So obviously speaking to this girl has got me through some of this, because I've had no one to really speak to it about. I find myself being more distant with her now, because I'm speaking to this girl, and I feel lie a horrible man, but now my girlfriend has been sending me I love you messages and kissing me a lot more then she has been since the rape, its like she's picked up on it.

 

So actually, she also has no recollection of actually being raped (I'm not discounting, nor dismissing the possibility) but she has no proof or recall....just a suspicion and maybe she put two and two together....

 

Oh...kay....:confused:

 

Yes, she's getting clingy.

We all have a radar for this kind of thing: The more our loved ones pull away, the more we cling.

Why it's unfair of you to prolong this or drag it out.

It gives her false hope.

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Kevin86 New Member

Kevin86

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The police done tests, they found DNA from another man, her friends have said she was fine and had ordered a taxi. Something has been slipped in her drink but the police did say these pills can go undetectable in 6-8 hours.

I kmow, I have to make a decision, thanks for the advice

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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In that case it's his word against hers.

No trace of date-rape drugs, and he probably insisted it was consensual.

 

She definitely needs counselling....

 

But that's not your call or responsibility.

 

Do the right thing.

Sometimes 'Right' doesn't = 'easy'.

 

But 'Right' is always 'Best'.

  • Like 3
It-is-what-it-is. Established Member

It-is-what-it-is.

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I find myself being more distant with her now, because I'm speaking to this girl, and I feel like a horrible man...

 

Kevin

This is why you have to break up. Like Tara said, it's not easy, but it's right. You need to do this immediately, there will ever be a good time.

 

1. You are already emotionally out.

2. The impact of being dishonest will eat you alive. You will lose respect for yourself.

3. You owe her the truth... that you have realized that you no longer have feelings for her and that it isnt fair to string her along. You realize that what you are feeling is sympathy and not love anymore. And that you have met someone you want to start seeing and you don't want to be dishonest. Say you are sorry and that you wanted to help her get over the horrible stuff, but it's not fair to let her believe there can be a future.

 

(She's going to realize it once you start seeing this girl immediately after breaking up - so to imply that does not play a part in the timing and decision is just not truthful and will ultimately make her feel worse.

 

And Kevin...be prepared for second thoughts...5 years is a long time, even if its not smooth. You can't go back, and if the girl turns out to be something or someone else when the Rosey glow of infatuation fades, you can't go back.

 

Be sure, be kind, do it soon.

  • Like 2
unexpectedlyhere Established Member

unexpectedlyhere

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Not everyone can stick it out during the bad times. Not every love has legs.

 

I read this earlier but I read so many threads today that I lost track of it.

 

I finally found it again and I have actually copied it into my email because it's so useful and so true.

 

Sorry for the OT, and good luck OP. If I were you I would try to take some alone time to think about both girls. And about yourself. I think my ex overstayed out of how much he cared for me and didn't want to hurt me - in the attempt to keep what he thought was his choice and his "duty" he ended up doing something really disruptive, and self-disruptive, and walked out.

 

Take some time to know YOURSELF, and then you'll also know what to do. Think about them later.

 

Good luck!

 

PS: this is the first time I have called my ex "my ex", and not "my boyfriend". I don't know what there was in those two sentences above but they touched me profoundly. I'm in the wrong board though :)

Pierre Established Member

Pierre

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Kevin:

 

Five years is a long time. Anyone that has been on a relationship for that long can fall in love with someone else. This is nothing but biology. Put a man and a woman together, let them talk about intimate issues and soon or later they fall in love. This is quite normal, particularly since your GF is not meeting your emotional needs. At this time you are looking for validation.

 

Your are having an EA, which is cheating. Are you good at lying? Deceiving?

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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The police done tests, they found DNA from another man, her friends have said she was fine and had ordered a taxi. Something has been slipped in her drink but the police did say these pills can go undetectable in 6-8 hours.

I kmow, I have to make a decision, thanks for the advice

Or maybe she was really drunk and her friends don't want to get involved.

 

This isn't something that should stop you from moving on.

  • Like 1
youngnlove89 Established Member

youngnlove89

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My ex boyfriend (of 2.5 years) and I got back together in February after I had been raped. We were broken up for 2 months. Once he heard I was raped I think he felt guilty and came back. We stayed together till 2 weeks ago.

 

He was very hurt and bothered by the incident. It was like in a way we both needed each other during this time (he felt guilty, and I was a victim). He was so supportive and loving. But I was moody and sad. I can only understand how this would effect him and our relationship. We didn't get back together for the right reasons.

 

Two weeks ago I found out he has been hanging out with an ex gf. He lied to me about her and saw her behind my back. His reasoning's for not telling me about their friendship were because he didn't want me to take it the wrong way or think anything was going on. Whether he was cheating or not, it hurt me.

 

He said he needed time to think. He was mad that I accused him. I was mad because he lied. I think we both realized the only reason we got back together was because of this tragedy, not because we were really meant to be. (in your situation it would be the only reason you stayed is because she was raped and you felt guilty, not because you were meant to be)

 

I told him what happened to me was not his fault. He didn't need to be the hero. He didn't have to be with me just because some guy violated me.

 

Point is, if you don't love this girl anymore, don't let her rape affect your decision. You will be miserable. She can handle it on her own, I am. You are letting the rape control your relationship. No one will be happy with that.

 

I think the reason you fell for this other girl is because she provides you the affection your girlfriend is unable to give you at this time. I don't think you stopped loving your girlfriend, you just have been affected by this situation and instead of fighting through it or growing stronger from it, you felt controlled by it. This horrible thing happened to your girlfriend and you don't know how to face it. You feel guilty. You feel like you have to be with her because of this.

 

You don't. It's okay to leave her. You will not be punished for it. She will not hate you. I don't hate my ex. My ex didn't rape me. My ex was there for me and supported me. Just because he didn't love me that way anymore, does not make me hate him. Sometimes bad things happen, don't make it your job to carry the load.

 

You need to take the rape out of this relationship. Look at the relationship. Not the rape. The rape is not your relationship. If this didn't happen to your girlfriend, would you still be with her? Would you still have met this girl and fallen in love with her? There is your answer.

  • Like 4
TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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^^^ This. ^^^

 

Awesome post.

 

Really.

veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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You told your affair partner about your girlfriends personal trauma of rape?! That's ****ed up.

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