Deep_Blue Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 I have been together with my girlfriend for one year this November. We began as good friends for about a year, and after she approached me regarding us taking it to the next level, I thought it sounded like a great thing....so we did. Over the course of this past year, we have had our ups & downs, like most other people. This includes a separation for two weeks after a fight, but we seemed to have patched things up. She's gone on vacations with me and my family, knows them all quite well. I've met her family and have spent time with them also. We have mostly mutual friends & things work well in that catagory....we always seem to have a good time together. We're self admitted best friends. She and I have discussed marriage and a future together several times, both of us are interested in the long term, and have made that clear. As we approach our first year anniversary together, I have some questions & problems, and frankly, as much as it kills to to come to terms with this thought, I suspect that we wont be together much beyond this anniversary. She has evolved in to what appears to be a rather selfish person in many respects. I do believe she loves me, honestly, but the flavor of that love far more resembles that of love for a friend, and not that of a future husband, lover or someone you're truly in love with. Here are some examples of what I mean: 1) She needs to spend a good 50% of the time by herself (we don't live together). She's made that clear that she needs this time. I absolutely understand needing space, but the idea, after a year together, that she needs 50% of her time without me, seems highly incompatable with any "next step" in our relationship. 2) She rarely goes out of her way for me, when I do anything I can to make her life a little better. I absolutely don't expect anything beyond what is pretty standard consideration from her with anything else being a bonus. Even standard things seem to be hard for her to motivate to do. This wasn't the case in the begining, but definately the case now. For instance, my air conditioner was not working for the past 4 days(In Florida). She's aware of this, lives close to me, but never offered to have me come & stay at her place for the night...it's during that 50% of the time she needs to be alone. So I tried to sleep, unsuccessfully, in a hot muggy house. On the other hand, when her car broke down, when she had lasik surgery done, when her families home burned down, when her dog became sick, when the wave of hurricanes came, I was front & center for all of that....and a lot more. It seems all too often that I'm either taken for granted, or just not that interesting to her. So many tiny details take precidence over me and my needs on a very regular basis. It doesn't make me feel very good, I can tell you that. 3) She's very unaffectionate the majority of the time. Despite not spending 50% of our time together, when we are together, she's often sweet to me, but not very affectionate. We hold hands when we go places, she'll give me a kiss when I see her, and I do the same. Beyond that, it's like hanging around with any other friend of mine. She never seems really happy to see me. Not disappointed, just blah...neutral. She's a little on the unemotional side right from the start, a little rigid as far as personality goes, but friends are friends, couples are couples and there is a difference in my opinion in how that should naturally be shown between 2 people. The destinction is not at all clear in our case much of the time. 4) Sexually, she is not there most of the time. We have sex maybe once a week, and it's all too often treated as an obligation, and not a passionate moment. She gets into it, but there is absolutely one sexual schedule in this relationship, and that's hers. My desires/needs have no role. It makes me feel like an emotional tag-along not being considered in this way. Makes me feel more and more distant, and less and less interested in a future with her. We've talked about it more than once, and after a brief "fix", it's reverted back to the scheduled activity according to only her schedule. These things I mention above are in contrast to how she tells me she feels about me. She's been a pillar of honesty with me from day one, which I value tremendously. I have no reason to distrust her at all, and she's a no bull**** sort of person, so I comfortably take what she says at face value. She tells me she loves me, she tells me she would like to marry me some day. My conflict is that these sentiments don't jive at all with much of her behavior. I have talked to her about most of this, which is almost always greeted with hostility in having to discuss these things, which has broken down our communication. Her silence and inaction are now translating in to my own conclusions, since she has been given ample chance to talk with me, address these concerns, and try to work on improving things, which she doesn't do. It's a silent take it or leave it mind set, and I'm seriously considering leaving this relationship soon. I love her so much, love her friendship & leaving her would be extremely difficult, but the more time goes on, the less choice I feel I have. I need a girlfriend, a lover and a future wife.....all she claims to be, or want, but doesn't put in the time or effort. Any advice would be a great help. Hard to see the forest through the trees sometimes, and before I do anything, I'd like some objectivity. Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
bluechocolate Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 Of all of the things you've said that make this feel wrong for you this is the one that rings out loud & clear as a very bad sign: I have talked to her about most of this, which is almost always greeted with hostility in having to discuss these things, which has broken down our communication. If you are unhappy or concerned about things & what you get is hostility & the cold sholder when you try to address it then your future does not look very bright with this girl. What you've described here is someone who wants things to be her way or the high-way. Relationships, and certainly not marriage, cannot work like that. I say take the high-way.
EIN Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 I would suggest you bring up these issues in an mature talk with her even thou she treated what you have said before with hostility. Tell her that you value her honesty and opinion so this conversation must be mature and good etiquette oriented or else the possiblity of marriage you both have discussed would be a disaster waiting to happen. If she takes you into consideration, she should be open about her answers. If you can feel enriched in your life doing everything with her beside sex and she can do that too, then marriage is a possibility. Otherwise you might have to quit while you are ahead.
Author Deep_Blue Posted October 28, 2004 Author Posted October 28, 2004 Thanks for the thoughts & ideas. I guess I've reached a point where I feel I have communicated my feelings to a point that could not be misunderstood. My girlfriend is very bright, and I would be foolish to think that she just doesn't get it. I'm a believer in the idea that consideration, affection & intimacy shouldn't have to be forced or negotiated. It should be a natural component of truly loving someone. Am I wrong? That doesn't mean that two peoples ideas about these things need to be a mirror image of one another, but they should be in the same ballpark. I suppose this descrepancy is very disillusioning to me, especially after being together for a year. Especially having explained how and why these things are important to me more than once. I love her, and want only her, but at the same time, it's gotten to that gray area where I'm not sure if it would be best to break things off now, or stick it out a little longer and not shoot myself in the foot for something I my live to regret. Isn't being together a year enough time to see someones true colors? At this point, I'm not sure what's left to miss besides her friendship from time to time. I want a loving relationship, long term. I want a wife to spend my life with....the missing ingredients here seem, from where I sit, to prevent that desire. There's no getting around the fact that I do love her. Period. The emotional attachment just gets in the way of reason, and the stakes are too high to not consider things completely.
bluechocolate Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 I'm a believer in the idea that consideration, affection & intimacy shouldn't have to be forced or negotiated. It should be a natural component of truly loving someone. Am I wrong? Sometimes a person can get caught up in their own lives (work, school, issues, etc.) to the point where they do start to neglect their partners needs re: affection & intimacy, and of course that can be understandable. But if they're unwilling to even discuss it then the neglect can only get worse. By refusing to discuss it without resorting to hostility & silence she is invalidating your feelings. Also I find this 50% thing quite strange. Yes space is important & for some people even vital, but in an equal relationship it has to be flexible. She should be willing to give up some of her free time if outside events happen & you may be in need - like the airconditioning episode you described. You have to have flexibility & compromise in every adult relationship in your life. More so in a potential life partner. I very much got the impression from your post that you have tried & tried - which is why my response was to leave her. Who knows? Maybe you ending it, or taking a complete break from her, will snap her out of this narrow mind set.
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