Emma1234 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Hey Everyone, I just wanted to get a few things off my chest. It has been nearly 3 months since my ex of 2.5 years broke up with me to find himself. I've experienced more emotions than I even knew existed, the beginning stages are the hardest as I'm sure you know but to get through those stages I clung onto the irrational threads of hope that he would change his mind or realise what he has lost. The simple fact of the matter is that he did not, this led me to a completely different stage of my grief, it was equally as painful but in a more numbing way so that sometimes it was possible for my mind to shy away from the most painful memories/thoughts. Obviously that was only occasionally but I have woken up this morning and for the first time in the last 3 months I have accepted that this is it. It has finished, ended, gone. I can't imagine ever getting away from the beautiful memories that every couple has but become the conscious version of nightmares (uncontrollable and difficult to wake up from), but at the beginning of this 'experience' I didn't think I'd ever be able to feel ok. I now feel ok. There will still be tears and I will want to scream from the inside out but I will no longer have to hold myself to keep myself together. I know understand what everyone has been saying about 'learning to love yourself' as I am now doing things in my life such as volunteering with animals, volunteering with children in morocco and reconnecting with a very important friend of mine. It's the little things in life that count now, not the huge overall picture. The future will come as it pleases and just because it doesn't match up to what you had planned in your head with this person, it doesn't mean you won't enjoy it just as much. If you're at the beginning stages of a break up stay strong, do what you need to do to get through this. You WILL get through this. Today was my day of waking from the nightmare. Yours will come too x 4
Legatus Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 It's great news Emma! I am close to 3 months as well and life couldn't be more beautiful. I can't believe how many good things happened recently and are about to happen. I am excited as never before. Memories will always stay, but hopefully we get to the point where 100% (at the moment is about 70) of them will be remembered like memories of high-school or lost friends. Something we remember from time to time and nothing more. Welcome back to the world of the awakened 3
Exitleft Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 That's great news hope I'll be able to say the same in a couple of months 1
ruby77 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 That's so good to hear. I am at 3.5 months and still not right, have had good times but recently feel like I've gone backwards. Do you think I will ever get to where you are now?
Omei Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 That's so good to hear. I am at 3.5 months and still not right, have had good times but recently feel like I've gone backwards. Do you think I will ever get to where you are now? I feel the same as you im 4 mo. In and I feel like recently I went backwards =[ sometimes it feels like I'll never be who I was.
Author Emma1234 Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 (edited) That's so good to hear. I am at 3.5 months and still not right, have had good times but recently feel like I've gone backwards. Do you think I will ever get to where you are now? You will you will you will!! I think I'm only here because I have been away for about 2 weeks now so my mind has had plenty of time to heal and consider everything, I've also read great books which helped a lot: 'getting past your break up' by Susan J Elliot, and a general life one which is quite deep but allows your perspective on things to change: the 7 habits of highly effective people, by Stephen R Covey. I'm not saying the pain is gone, gawd it hurts when I think about the memories but I think I'm slowly drifting into the acceptance stage which is allowing me to look forward more than backwards. I promise you'll get there. It's like the saying 'the fever breaks when it's too much to take', the body and the mind will eventually protect itself. I didn't think that the whole 'doing different things for your life' could help but trust me it has worked wonders, the volunteering and taking up new interests is allowing me to grow into a person I am happy with, I feel strong and confident despite the rejection and hurt from my ex. I now like who I am, he is the one who has made the mistake. I know I will never have any regrets and finally it almost doesn't matter what he thinks of me. If you think about it things can only get better from here if you make them. We are in control of our own feelings and actions, although it's harder said than done, we can't allow an ex to dictate how we feel. They are not worth it. Edited July 26, 2013 by Emma1234 2
onearthur Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Hey Emma, Thanks for sharing your survival secrets. It's been 6 months for me and my gawd do I still miss my partner, with some nights where it's really tough to even just go to sleep. My rational side knows it would never have worked as my partner cheating on me meant the trust I had in my partner would never be the same again, but my emotional side keeps kicking me to the curb. We have common friends who think I'm fine and they have told me recently that my ex-partner is doing really well at work and has now also started a new relationship in which they are both really happy, this has made my mind spiral and I also think perhaps I've gone back in any recovery that I did manage to make: What is my ex-partner upto? How are they? Do they miss me? Are they doing well? Why are they doing well? How can they move on soo quickly? Does what goes around actually come around? I'm really glad you have shared your story, but for me right now that realisation feels and looks a million miles away. :-( Any further advise you can share would be most welcome. Many Thanks.
Legatus Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 @onearthur you have to shift your mind from "them" to "me". Moreover sometimes you have to push yourself, keep saying you will fight this till you achieve your desired state The distance is irrelevant. If you find a suitable way even light years will seem reachable. Don't rush too much but also do not sit around and wait, thinking about the other two! They took enough of your time already! 1
Author Emma1234 Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 (edited) Hey Emma, Thanks for sharing your survival secrets. It's been 6 months for me and my gawd do I still miss my partner, with some nights where it's really tough to even just go to sleep. My rational side knows it would never have worked as my partner cheating on me meant the trust I had in my partner would never be the same again, but my emotional side keeps kicking me to the curb. We have common friends who think I'm fine and they have told me recently that my ex-partner is doing really well at work and has now also started a new relationship in which they are both really happy, this has made my mind spiral and I also think perhaps I've gone back in any recovery that I did manage to make: What is my ex-partner upto? How are they? Do they miss me? Are they doing well? Why are they doing well? How can they move on soo quickly? Does what goes around actually come around? I'm really glad you have shared your story, but for me right now that realisation feels and looks a million miles away. :-( Any further advise you can share would be most welcome. Many Thanks. Hey, I'm so sorry to hear that you feel like you've gone backwards it might feel like that but something my councillor said to me made me realise that every time we go backwards, we are actually taking baby steps forwards. It's like overcoming the next hurdle especially when you hear that your ex is really happy. I used to dread the day my ex met someone new and I still don't know how I'll feel when it happens but then again so will I at some point. For the moment I'm focusing on doing the things I want and becoming the person I've always wanted to be. I don't think the pain is going to fully disappear for a long time but a quote I read in one of those books I mentioned said that: 'you can decide that you don't want to feel like that anymore'. It sounds impossible but slowly slowly I started to condition my mind to not allowing it to submit or feel the agonising pain that it was experiencing. The result is today, I can almost brush through the most wonderful (therefore painful) memories in my mind and the pain isn't so scolding. We can do that, we have complete control over our own feelings and emotions. I wish that there was a quick fix but the sad truth is there isn't. Rebuilding your life, learning to not allow the pain to control your life and using your imagination to create another type of future for you helped me. I realised a little while ago that I was becoming obsessed, my every waking thought was of him, I constantly had tears ready to surface and I just felt immense in curable sadness. I think that obsession is different to getting over someone, some of us may need to obsess to get through it but at some point we will realise that we have to let go and refuse to allow ourselves to be chained to someone who has hurt us. No matter how lovely they were in the past they have done the ultimate unforgivable thing and left us, something they promised they would never do. Nothing we did wrong can match that. The life you're meant to live is waiting for you! It's literally standing in front of you waiting for you to let this horrible cloak of despair and sadness slip off so that you can finally embrace the things to come. I'm still going to cry and miss him but I can't live in the darkness that I've been living in. It's time to push ourselves out of it. I'd really recommend those books or reading something similar, the one by the Susan lady gave you a way of sorting out in your mind the negative aspects of your ex which helped me. Stay strong, you're moving on even if it doesn't feel like it Edited July 26, 2013 by Emma1234 1
NYCGuy22 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Good for you Emma! I remember you posting a couple months back - when I was going through similar emotions. You success in dealing with this has inspired me. It's still hard for me to let go, but I realized that I have to move forward and find someone that will never hurt me as badly as my ex did. 1
Author Emma1234 Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 Good for you Emma! I remember you posting a couple months back - when I was going through similar emotions. You success in dealing with this has inspired me. It's still hard for me to let go, but I realized that I have to move forward and find someone that will never hurt me as badly as my ex did. it's strange how time changes things. A few days ago everything felt hopeless but I just sort of decided NO. I'd said that to myself before but now I truly believed that I had to fight my way out of this. No more allowing myself to wallow. I think that maybe it truly had all become too much for me and therefore I had to find a way of dealing with it and that involved taking control of my own life, I will never allow my whole life to revolve around one person again. I will love again but it'll be in a relationship where I know who I am. This break up will allow me to find that person. You'll be ok, we all will I'm sure. Just focus on waking up and saying today is going to be a GOOD day, and make it good 1
Babolat Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 It's been 4 months for me, and I was the one who broke up with her. It's still hard. We never went NC and I wonder sometimes if I should. We both still feel a pull to each other, not like any other break up, and feel we should somehow remain in each others lives. Initially after the first few weeks, she reached out to me to be friends, I cautiously responded. She continued to initiate contact and stop by to see me from time to time; not stalking at all. Now she has says she needs time to be alone, not date, work on herself, yet she still wants me in her life. It's confusing!
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