JAndrewP Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 I feel like I'm in a lover's leap situation. For the two and a half years preceding this past May, by office romance, I fell head over heels in love with a co-worker. Looking back at all of our notes and instant message logs, the affirmations were consistent and two sided. There is no question my situation was harder to resolve, and by her words and those of all those who knew hew and her situation was long past ending. (Non-married living with an abuser (alcoholic)). Over and over it was "If only you were available...!", or "I'll wait forever for you to be available...!", or "no matter where I am or with whom, if you're ever available...!". She even (and I believe her) stopped all sexual relations with her abusive partner two years ago. In May I made it happen and became available. We went forward to find a home together, even placing an offer on one. Six months now, she's still with the guy. Has taken him to court during this six months to get an order of protection. Still there every day (outside of work). Has tried to get him to either sell her their house or buy her out. In her words... "He's holding me prisoner and I hate him for it!" But stays she does. Why? "Because I don't want to hurt him." She's admitted there's a discontinuity here, and this afternoon, finally sees a counselor to try and figure out why knowing where she wants to be she can't make the break. BUT, every day she goes home. Every night she makes his dinner, packs his lunch, does his laundry, then puts up with his drunken tirades. Yet, every morning they sit out and drink coffee, have a cigarette, and don't talk. Every day at lunch our schedule revolves around being there when he makes his noontime call. Every place we go, she can't be obviously with me in case he might find out. She just ordered their annual Christmas wreaths. She takes days when he's not home and visits HIS new granddaughter. She says... "Your pushing me!" when I ask how long this will go on. She says... "Let me work through this problem with the counselor." "Please wait for me!" I want this to work out so badly, but am nearly non-functional as all I think about is this. Are there tricks to being able to wait like this? I'm not doing very well. I feel like I'm in a lover's leap situation. I've leapt, and can still see her back there on the cliff-side.
tiki Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 Leave her until she can fully commit to you. She's got to decide for herself to leave this loser. And until then, don't push her...she could resent you later for that, even if she does wind up with you. Begin to move on with your life too. It's the best think you can do. It may stimulate her enough to get up off her a$$ and do something with the a$$clown.
Author JAndrewP Posted October 28, 2004 Author Posted October 28, 2004 Tiki, Thanks. I know this is the right approach. I guess I'm so worried about losing her I haven't been able to take all the tough steps either. I'm going to have to soon though. I'll lose my job if I don't get functional again.
bluechocolate Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 Originally posted by tiki Leave her until she can fully commit to you. She's got to decide for herself to leave this loser. And until then, don't push her...she could resent you later for that, even if she does wind up with you. Begin to move on with your life too. It's the best think you can do. It may stimulate her enough to get up off her a$$ and do something with the a$$clown. And oddly enough, your continued support may actually be assisting her in staying with this man: "It's OK, I'll go to work & there'll be JP to brighten up my day."
tiki Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 Sorry for your sitchie...it sucks. Give her notice of this, don't spring it on her without telling her your full intentions. Good luck.
Scott S Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 Originally posted by JAndrewP She says... "Your pushing me!" when I ask how long this will go on. She says... "Let me work through this problem with the counselor." "Please wait for me!" I want this to work out so badly, but am nearly non-functional as all I think about is this. Are there tricks to being able to wait like this? I'm not doing very well. I feel like I'm in a lover's leap situation. I've leapt, and can still see her back there on the cliff-side. Unfortunately, she will not exit her situation until she resolves to do so herself, and there is little you can do about that. You ultimately need to decide how long you're willing to wait, with a view to the fact that you don't get the time back that you've spent waiting. Personally, I would want to see evidence of some kind that she is at least moving in that direction, steps taken, etc. With nothing but "Let me work through this problem," I would need to consider whether I wish to continue to spend time & youth waiting on something that may or may not occur. I read something in Ann Landers years ago, wherein a woman fell in love with a married man, and waited almost her entire life for him to leave his wife. The man finally passed away, still married, when she had reached age 85. That's right! 85 years old! I realize this is an extreme case, but my point is that time passes more quickly than you think. Good luck to you!
Author JAndrewP Posted October 28, 2004 Author Posted October 28, 2004 Thanks all for the kind advice. It has been well taken. Knowing myself to take any sign at all as progress, I'm likely to give up a couple more weeks of my life to see if this counseling starts to take hold. When we walked just now, in answer to her question of what to expect this afternoon, I told her the counselor is going to insist she begin to nail down what she really wants. ("Else, why did you come to me?" she'll ask.) Maybe a few sessions of therapy will upset the equilibrium. I've got to respect (for a little bit anyway) that she's making any effort at all to resolve this.
fredrolin Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 Is this woman really worth it? If you two do finally get together will it work out after all the "drama" is over? She sounds like a basket case who might be using you for emotional support. Once she breaks free you might end up being history yourself. Good luck.
Recommended Posts