To tell the children or not?

[Lady2163]

Essentially there are two scenarios here. If there is a dday, should the married couple tell the children? Also add in whether the couple is going to work it out or divorce and if the children are adults or under age 18.

 

One other caveat...do the children of any age have any business knowing details about the other man or other woman? Name, location, phone number, email etc.

 

Since I am the other woman, my comments will be specific to my gender.

 

No, I do not think children of a minor age need to be told that mommy or daddy had an affair. I was in the counseling field for a long time. Many never got over the fact the cheating parent loved someone else more than them and threw them away.

 

Mommy and daddy love you very much. We just don't feel the same way about each other. Daddy's going to be moving out, but he still wants to see you. Etc.

 

And DEFINITELY, if the parents are going to stay together, why on earth would you heap that garbage on a child? I can't tell you the damage it does to a child to be constantly scared they are going to lose a parent. Their world is constantly in upheaval. They become hyper sensitive to every cross word.

 

And here's a true story...mother tells teenaged son his father has been having an affair and with whom. The woman has a unique name, boy looks her up. Late one night he sneaks out of the house, rides his bicycle to her house. He sprayed the words 'f'ing slut' on the lawn, poured something that ate through the paint on the car, then heaved a dozen rocks and eggs through the windows.

 

Only he got the wrong house.

 

He did all this to the chief of police's house.

 

Thousands of dollars worth of damage. And while he was long gone by the time the chief made it to the door WITH A FIREARM, there was a security camera system on the house.

 

If the child hadn't been given the information, he wouldn't have had the ability to do the damage.

 

This was a perfect child. Honor roll, top athlete, altar boy, working on his eagle scout. A parents dream.

 

If the couple decides to stay together and they tell adult children, who does this help? Mom is forgiving dad for cheating, but will the child? You're staying together, but the damage to the parent child relationship is done. How will this help?

 

"We are having problems, but are committed to working this out..."

 

No, adult children have zero business getting involved in a parent's affair or breakup of the affair. They don't NEED to know the other man or woman's name, phone number, location. WHAT GOOD WILL COME FROM IT?

 

If the adult child confronts the other person on behalf of scorned spouse, it doesn't change the fact the affair happened. If the adult child believes they will feel better about telling a total stranger what an awful person they are, truly what does that say about them? This adult child may be an emotional mess, why would you take the risk of them saying or doing something that will get them in trouble legally or with the wandering parent? It would do more harm than good.

 

This is the scorned spouse's battle, not the child's.

[KathyM]

I agree with some of what you are saying. I think an affair can really wreck havoc with the respect a child has for the cheating parent. And it can make the child very insecure about the stability of the family. I think if the parents decide to reconcile, there is a valid argument that can be made for not informing the children of the affair. However, children are very perceptive. They will pick up on the negative vibes in the household, and they will still feel insecure that something is wrong, they just won't know what it is. If the parents decide to divorce, then the children often blame themselves or feel abandoned by the parent who is leaving. I think it can be helpful to explain truthfully, but delicately, that "Daddy decided he wanted to be with someone else, rather than be committed to the marriage. That is a decision he made for himself, and it is not your fault at all." I don't see that delicate honesty, in this case, would be worse than the kids blaming themselves or not knowing why the parents divorced. Kids need to process the divorce in order to deal with it emotionally. Sometimes a carefully explained truth is the best answer, rather than not knowing why their family broke up. Oftentimes, if the child does not know why the parents divorced or is given some vague reason, he will blame the parent who he stays with (usually the betrayed wife), and he will tend to idealize the leaving parent because he will think the wife did something to drive the husband away, or that the child himself did something to make him leave. Setting the child straight on the reason for the divorce is sometimes the best option if it is done carefully.

[Lady2163]

I was not the counselor for the boy. I never really understood why the mother told the son. I'm struggling memory wise, but I'm almost certain boy lived with father before and after his time in detention. I'm thinking mother had problems before dday.

[threelaurels]

I believe the children should always be told the truth but in an age-appropriate way because they will inevitably find out anyway. They do not need details about the affair or any of the AP's personal information. Giving them that info would not be appropriate.

 

Some of my work involves intervention programs for juvenile delinquents, many of whom are touched by infidelity in one way or another. Children learn the norms of relationships by observing their parents. They grow up to believe that the dynamics of their parents' relationship is what is normal, and they then repeat those dynamics in their own relationships. Unless it is directly explained to them that what is happening in their parents' relationship is not how relationships should work, they do not recognize the abnormalities until it is too late and has already been incorporated into their cognitive structures. Children need to be able to place their parents' relationship in context and have a stable definition of a healthy relationship that they can use to orient themselves.

 

If the father in your scenario hadn't had an affair, the child wouldn't have made those choices. The reality is that you can't pinpoint one specific factor as the instigator of the child's behavior. It arose from a combination of things. Children cannot be completely sheltered and protected from everything, which is why they need to be taught how to behave so that they can respond appropriately no matter the situation. Perhaps the father should have spent more time with his son at home instead of being with the OW.

 

If you have to be concerned that your adult child would respond to finding out about an affair with illegal behavior, you should probably take a look at how you raised them. My parents certainly provided me with the life skills I would need to handle that situation without resorting to crime.

 

In the end, children need to learn how to make mistakes, learn from them, and become a better person--no matter how grave the mistake is. They cannot do that when parents try to shelter them from the harsh realities of life, because chances are good that they may one day have to face those realities themselves. As children, we idealize our parents and look up to them because we think they can do no wrong. As adults, we should look up to them not because they are perfect but because they made mistakes, learned from them, and moved on.

 

While some people may argue that big mistakes like affairs are a different story than the smaller mistakes, I disagree. The big mistakes are the ones that matter. Children need to understand that we can still pick ourselves back up again even at the very lowest of points and that we can still turn back to the right path even after the most serious of mistakes. If you cannot be a role model for your children, who else will be? Who will they learn from?

[waterwoman]

We haven't told our children about H's affair. Maybe never will. I know they know something was going on due to all the tears and rows. They were very worried about me at the time. Due to H's unpleasantness to all of us during the a, he didn't have a good relationship with them. He's building bridges, especially with our eldest son, and there may come a time when they can know. The immediate aftermath was NOT the time.

 

However blaming the 'telling' for the trauma is putting the cart before the horse. The blame lies with the affair.

[Lady2163]

Threelaurels, I liked your response.

 

But then, as a lowly intern and now, I still felt the spouse made the wrong decision to vent to the son and provide personal information of the other woman. That was the "bigger" mistake since it gave the child enough information to act rashly.

 

People can survive an affair, they can heal and grow.

 

I often wonder how the kid turned out in the long run after his year in juvie.

[MissBee]

Many times children realize something is wrong, even before someone admits to an affair. As a child, my parents never told me about my dad's affair, but my sister and I picked up on it and it was only as we got older, wiser, keener and knew more about relationships that we put two and two together. If your mom is upset, crying, people are arguing, or if you notice your dad sneaking off to make phone calls when your mom isn't around, or other behaviors...you register it! Kids are not neanderthals. You realize these things are weird, and even if no one explains, esp kids these days who are so exposed to tv shows, social media, etc. their ability to put two and two together is so much more, as they just have a lot more info to draw from and exposure because of media. So it's first of all faulty to assume if parents don't say anything, kids won't know. I and others have unfortunately had to be in a position where because your parent wasn't careful enough you end up catching them doing something affair related...like them not realizing you're at home and you overhearing them having an explicit conversation. Smh....people trip up in affairs...they sometimes make mistakes...and sometimes their kids are the ones who register it and are often left uncomfortable because they know it is weird but don't think it is their place to say anything.

 

Fine...say the kids had no clue. It's up to the parents to decide how to handle it. With adult children, a parent can say anything they want to them about it, depending on the relationship they have. Adult children who are close to their parents will most certainly also pick up on weird dynamics, even if mom and dad try to hide it. If you have an affair...then prepare for the fact that things may get messy and all kinds of people may find out and if it harms them, it is no one but the WS's fault as if they didn't have an affair there would be nothing to disclose. It is impossible for a BS to keep it all together, put on a smile and act like nothing at all is wrong. I imagine it is an emotionally taxing time and everything is discombobulated, and it may be easier said than done for them not to act in a way which makes it obvious something is wrong.

 

As for these stories of teens who have committed crimes because of knowing about affairs, how often does this happen? I have never committed any crimes because of my dad's affairs, and the only OW I ever wanted to insult was the last one, who insisted on phoning my mom, and telling her a bunch of rude, nonsense, and I felt my mom was being way too nice to this woman, and my protective instinct had me wanting to ring her and tell her to eff off. It took a lot for me to not do that. It wasn't about the affair, it was about her being rude to my mother, and I would have felt that way about ANYONE ringing my home to be rude to those I love. I do not think many people go on crime sprees when they find out about affairs.

 

However, affairs are messy and each family deals with it how they see fit. I think advice on whether or not to tell kids, coming from an OW, esp when it is not to tell, or to say well if the kids confront the AP and calls them bad names the affair still happened, just comes off like the OW is saying that for her own benefit and not for the benefit of the children....as having an affair and being an OW then saying how you think the kids should not be told....it just comes off as whaaat??? You care about the kids? Or do you just care about yourself and not being harassed by the kids, hence you're voting for not telling and telling scary stories of what happened to people who told, to prevent others from doing so? I don't even see how this is an OW issue. It's an issue for the WS and the BS....not the OW. However, no, parents should not encourage kids to harass the OW/OM and provide them with personal data to do so.

Edited July 26, 2013 by MissBee

[Lady2163]

Yes, I am the other woman. But I've worked in counseling children. A large percentage of them were from broken homes and often infidelity was the cause.

 

I saw plenty of conduct disorder, but nothing like the boy did.

 

Betrayed spouses who held their tongue around their kids and did sugar coat the situation did seem to be more beneficial to the child in a therapeutic sense. I never had the opportunity to see longitudinal results.

 

As both a former counselor and the other woman, I can't help but wonder, if it is a stranger to the child, what benefit is there in giving them the personal info about the other woman? What is the motivation?

[MissBee]

Yes, I am the other woman. But I've worked in counseling children. A large percentage of them were from broken homes and often infidelity was the cause.

 

I saw plenty of conduct disorder, but nothing like the boy did.

 

Betrayed spouses who held their tongue around their kids and did sugar coat the situation did seem to be more beneficial to the child in a therapeutic sense. I never had the opportunity to see longitudinal results.

 

As both a former counselor and the other woman, I can't help but wonder, if it is a stranger to the child, what benefit is there in giving them the personal info about the other woman? What is the motivation?

 

I'm sure those who do this (give their children personal info for the AP) are acting out of anger and not thinking it through...which as I said, sometimes that's what happens on a dday. As a counselor, I imagine you know that something like that can be emotionally stressful, causing people not to think and react in ways they probably would not, under different circumstances. So it's not a wise thing, but understandable how someone might do that given the circumstances.

 

I don't see how it's an OW issue though and not posted in Infidelity...in that, an OW has no say or choice in whether or not BS and/or WS choose to tell their kids about what happened, so the Infidelity section seems as though more people with an actual say should weigh in. It seems an OW will only care about this as it relates to her and her interest as it can't be her interest in the kid's well being.

 

But as a counselor, who is also an OW, who saw lots of infidelity and broken homes and their results, do you think professionally that it is more beneficial to address the relationship/home life prior to infidelity or to focus on whether or not a BS tells their kids after the WS unwittingly puts them in that situation?

[threelaurels]

Threelaurels, I liked your response.

 

But then, as a lowly intern and now, I still felt the spouse made the wrong decision to vent to the son and provide personal information of the other woman. That was the "bigger" mistake since it gave the child enough information to act rashly.

 

People can survive an affair, they can heal and grow.

 

I often wonder how the kid turned out in the long run after his year in juvie.

 

I think there is a big difference between telling children about the A and venting to the children about the A. I don't think a parent venting about marital problems to a child is appropriate at all even when there isn't an A. It only stresses out the child regardless of age and complicates family relationships even more. If venting is needed, it should be done in a notebook, to a close friend, or to a therapist.

 

However, I see nothing wrong with simply informing the children that A took place and letting children know what to expect, whether divorce or staying together. Ideally, both parents would sit down together with the kids and explain things.

 

I don't agree with providing the children with the AP's personal information, but in many cases it is inevitable that the children find out. The AP is sometimes friends or acquaintances with the family, and/or the child can easily deduce who the person is simply from knowing that an A took place.

 

Teenagers tend to be better with newer technology than adults, and the internet makes personal information readily accessible through social networking. On another forum I post at, I have seen a few teenagers who have found out about an affair and had to make the difficult decision of how to handle it and whether or not to tell the BS.

 

Affairs are difficult for everyone involved, but the children are often the ones who suffer the most as a result of them.

[Silly_Girl]

threelaurels has it totally wrapped up, in my view. Most people I have spoken to (my age) tend to think that way, as far as I can see.

[skywriter]

The way I look at your question is , if you don't concern your children with adult issues, bills arguments work related issues, then why would this be any different?

 

I have a true story, a girlfriends, husband had an A. The girlfriend and the H reconcile. They have three boys.

 

A couple of years pass, the marriage eventually dissolves. During those couple of years this couple argued, the girlfriend would throw up the A in arguments that went on in front of or within hearing range of her boys.

 

I felt terrible for her boys, they were getting in trouble at school and being disrespectful to both parents. Their young minds didn't have the ability to cope with all that it was burdened with.

 

It's hard enough on adults, and not only that it only complicates what you are already having to deal with as adults.

 

Anyway, my story ended with me just severing our friendship because seeing her children treated that way was just too much for me.

[Silly_Girl]

The way I look at your question is , if you don't concern your children with adult issues, bills arguments work related issues, then why would this be any different?

 

I've shared those things... If I've had a terrible day at work and cried on the way home, or can't afford to pay the bills, or have had a big fall-out with my SO etc. But in an age-appropriate way.

[Got it]

No, I don't believe you should put your kids in the middle of it.

 

One example, my mom had an affair when we were young. We knew nothing about it until they divorced when I was well into my 20s. Would it have made a difference if I had known? Probably not. I am surprised I didn't because they were very good at slinging mud at each other and so we were in the middle of a lot of the fights. To be honest my only real feeling was disgust that they didn't divorce earlier.

 

Another, with my MM turned husband, when he found out about his wife's affair he didn't tell the kids. When she found out about his affair she pulled the kids into the middle of it, especially the oldest daughter. She was privy to a lot of information and was used as an attack on him. His relationship with her has been great scarred. Now, it can be argued he brought it upon himself. And he owns it, but to a degree. He did not think she should have been used as her mother's confidante. She was told almost everything, about their sex life, problems, etc. He still has not told the daughter about her mother's affair because he doesn't want her further in the middle. He is working on mending their relationship as it stands. He vacillates on telling her one day.

 

Growing up I knew my parents had issue, I don't recall ever caring to know exactly what the exact issues were. Most of the time I just wanted them to just not fight and be happy. Why would I have cared to know the exact details?

[Silly_Girl]

No, I don't believe you should put your kids in the middle of it.

 

One example, my mom had an affair when we were young. We knew nothing about it until they divorced when I was well into my 20s. Would it have made a difference if I had known? Probably not. I am surprised I didn't because they were very good at slinging mud at each other and so we were in the middle of a lot of the fights. To be honest my only real feeling was disgust that they didn't divorce earlier.

 

Another, with my MM turned husband, when he found out about his wife's affair he didn't tell the kids. When she found out about his affair she pulled the kids into the middle of it, especially the oldest daughter. She was privy to a lot of information and was used as an attack on him. His relationship with her has been great scarred. Now, it can be argued he brought it upon himself. And he owns it, but to a degree. He did not think she should have been used as her mother's confidante. She was told almost everything, about their sex life, problems, etc. He still has not told the daughter about her mother's affair because he doesn't want her further in the middle. He is working on mending their relationship as it stands. He vacillates on telling her one day.

 

Growing up I knew my parents had issue, I don't recall ever caring to know exactly what the exact issues were. Most of the time I just wanted them to just not fight and be happy. Why would I have cared to know the exact details?

 

I think "in the middle of it" and "the exact details" might be at an end of the spectrum I'm talking about and not how I would see it playing out.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I agree with three laurels.

 

I also want to add, to tell or not to tell are not the only options here. There are a ton of variables.

 

I learned of my fathers affair at some point while I trying to understand my own memory lapses at age 4-5. I had large blocks of missing time and it was disturbing. I first learned my mother suffered a breakdown and attempted suicide and was hospitalized for some period of time during my blank period. My sister a couple years older recalls that time better than I and told me of the affair. She learned because, I believe, she overheard the fighting, maybe my mother told her, not sure, but remember Mom had a nervous breakdown over the affair, she was not making proper decisions. Maybe at some point my parents told her. (Sorry this was 50 years ago,it's hard to remember) but while they do not talk about it. It was not really a secret, we don't do secrets, or lies in my family. (As a result of the affair)

 

My best friend as a kid knew her father was having an affair before her mother did. It distroyed her. Her parents divorced, and I believe her father married the AP, I have no idea if they are still together, but there were children from the second marriage. I believe she knew by finding something of the OW in the car. But then her father would use the kids as excuse to get out of the house. So both the WS and OW involved the kids in the affair. That family continues to be messed up.

 

My nieces are aware their father had affairs and they believe there is an OC from one of them, but have never discussed this with my sister. My sister and her husband divorced, supposedly due to other things(riiiigght)...he did not end up with any of the OWs. The kids heard about the affairs at school and from deducing "adult" conversation. I have never confirmed nor denied the voracity of their beliefs, I just listen. These kids are adults with families of their own now.

 

I think to assume that children are oblivious is unrealistic. Each situation needs to be addressed and information provided that fits the situation. But I agree that the children need to feel safe that both parents love them, and understand that what happened is not their fault. But in my personal experience 100% of the children were aware of the affair, often of the APs identity, without being told. Many of these were before the electronic age, now days?.pssshhhsaw. I know I can take three pieces of random information and identify someone, where they live,their friends and hobbies, you don't think most kids an do that too??

 

And in the cases where the WS leaves for the AP, you don't think the kids KNOW? Of course they know.

 

But to not provide logical thoughtful explanations to the children when their life is drastically changing is not responsible. I remember a poster once said their youngish child replied, after the father moved out and upon being told that what was happening was between mommy and daddy, "why, he is leaving me too?" Um yeah, I guess so. You think in that case daddy loves you platitudes is enough?

 

I read a lot of OM/OW posts where the motives of the BS are nefarious and planned and plotted. As if the root cause of the problems with the affair is them?...I would like to see a thread on that, cause I don't understand.

 

I also think that the OP is not considering the very common BS reaction to finding out about an affair is devastation and many react in a way they regret or at least wouldn't have, when the dust settles. Logical thinking isn't always possible.

 

I just wonder since the OP is concerned about the effects of telling the children of the affair? After knowing in your professional experience of the long term harm it causes, why did you still engage in one?

[skywriter]

I've shared those things... If I've had a terrible day at work and cried on the way home, or can't afford to pay the bills, or have had a big fall-out with my SO etc. But in an age-appropriate way.

 

...and what you are sharing doesn't seem to be to burden your child with the fear of , "mom can't afford for us to keep or home or we aren't going to have electricity in the house.

 

There's an ole' saying in the south, "never give a person more than they can handle".

[skywriter]

I guess it's maybe a one size doesn't fit all.

 

If it works well for your situation and your alright with it, who's to say it's wrong or right.

 

I know that my Mom, ( and I was adopted at 3 yrs old). When I was six she load five children in a station wagon and moved us away from her husband, (father of her 4 kids).

 

We didn't know why, but we felt safe and loved by her, so we weren't afraid.

 

She wouldn't give the actual reason why until we were young adults, because she never wanted to interfere with how we felt about who dad was.

 

We learned years later that he'd been having many affairs for years in their marriage.

 

So I'm sure this has something to do with my way of thinking.

[Silly_Girl]

...and what you are sharing doesn't seem to be to burden your child with the fear of , "mom can't afford for us to keep or home or we aren't going to have electricity in the house.

 

There's an ole' saying in the south, "never give a person more than they can handle".

 

Exactly. I would happily explain that there isn't money for toys etc, or meals out, because we don't have extra money. Our money has gone on paying bills and we need to try and spend as little as possible for now.

 

Or, if we had to move out, I'd explain that too.

[Owl]

In my situation, our four kids were mid/older teens. The oldest were juniors in high school.

 

On d-day, my wife was all set to go live with OM, who lived on the other side of country. She'd never met him in person.

 

I told her that if this was her choice, she was going to be the one to explain to the kids what she was doing, and why.

 

I waited outside while she had her discussion with them.

 

It didn't go nearly as well as she'd thought it would. They were furious with her, for having an affair, for planning on leaving to be with him, and for taking this risk with so little information about OM. All of this without my prompting or "interference".

 

She figured that she'd go live with him, setup a house there (he lived in a one room studio apartment at the time), and eventually the kids would live back and forth between us.

 

While she was waiting for her flight and trying to smooth things out with the kids, the two older ones...again without even discussing it with me...informed her that they weren't going to live with him, nor would they consider visiting her in that state until after they graduated high school...so if she went, she'd live without them for at least a year.

 

When she didn't leave, but was in limbo about what she wanted to do...the kids were supportive of her feelings, but adamant about how they felt about 'him'. She could love him if she wanted to, but from their perspective, they had zero desire to meet or interact with him.

 

When she finally made the choice to actually reconcile, they made it clear that this was what they were hoping for. Our daughter took the longest to forgive her mom...because she truly felt that her mom was (during her EA and after) going against everything that she'd ever taught them (which was completely true).

 

Years later, we're all doing good.

 

Bottom line...I'm glad the kids were told the way that they were told. They reacted appropriately and correctly. They were but one of many factors in what led to how the overall situation turned out. And...they learned a lot about relationships from what we went through too.

[Pierre]

When a married person with children has an affair he (ro she) is also been unfaithful to the children. The kids naturally expect fidelity from the parents, that is why they hurt so much.

[Silly_Girl]

When a married person with children has an affair he (ro she) is also been unfaithful to the children.

 

This really scares me.

 

It's like saying 'not loving your spouse is like not loving your kids'.

 

<shudder>

[skywriter]

You are a counselor and yet you do not advocate honesty? You basically want the parents to lie to the children? Really? You don't think lying to the kids will hurt them? Sheeesh you are just forming an opinion on what would suit your needs better since you are in an affair.

 

My mother was not lieing to her children because she didn't tell us and she was the one cheated on.

 

My exH was unfaithful to me and to this day I've never told my kids. Why in the world would I?

[Owl]

This really scares me.

 

It's like saying 'not loving your spouse is like not loving your kids'.

 

<shudder>

 

Think more along the lines of "lying to your spouse (about your life/actions/feelings) is lying to your kids".

 

An affair doesn't just betray the BS's trust and relationship...it betrays and damages the WS's relationship with the entire family unit.

 

The children were also deceived about the WS's actions/motivations/intentions. These same actions often result in a massive disruption of these childen's family life and daily life. It skews their views of relationships, their perception of both parents, and the stability that they thought they had in their home lives.

 

It's got nothing to do with love, in fact. But it has everything to do with emotional devestation, a massive loss of security, and a change in what they think they can 'trust' in their lives going forward.

 

And as I'd mentioned in my previous post...it often leaves the children feeling that WS has LIED to them about all the morals/values that they taught, but didn't adhere to themselves.

Edited July 26, 2013 by Owl

[Pierre]

This really scares me.

 

 

 

What scares you? The fact that kids expect the parents to be faithful. Amazingly this is a natural expectation of the children.

 

 

It's like saying 'not loving your spouse is like not loving your kids'.

 

<shudder>

 

Blatant straw men are poor form in this forum.