Emilia Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Well, you and CE have certainly not settled CE still hasn't posted... 4
iris219 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 I settled in that I wanted to get married and have a family many, many years ago. Because that didn't happen, everything now is me settling for less than I had hoped for. However, my bf is the perfect partner for me and I am very happy with him. 1
LittleTiger Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 So this question is for people in long term relationships - have you settled? No, he's awesome!
LittleTiger Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 I don't know enough about others, just saying that it's unlikely that people will admit to it. I can think of quite a number of LSers who always appear to be very happy in their relationships. They are the ones who rarely, if ever, start threads of their own (about their relationships). I think you'll find that most of these people probably haven't settled. 3
Eddie Edirol Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Yes - that's kind of the ulterior motive of the post. I don't believe most people in long term relationships feel they have settled. I believe most people who are always single use that as an excuse to make them feel better. I also dont believe that its an excuse per-say with single people, they are the same as other people. They dont want to do, or learn to do what it takes to get the type of person they really want. So on both ends, settling, or perpetually single, I believe its out of laziness.
Arabella Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 My current partner (and father to my baby-to-be) is everything I wanted in a man. Except for a couple of rather major issues I didn't find out about until well into the relationship. Once upon a time I felt like the luckiest woman in the world for having him. I no longer feel that. Since I found out about these things, my opinion of him has changed considerably. If I had known beforehand, we probably wouldn't be together because I would have thought I could do better and moved on. So, in a way... yes, I have settled. How much? Time will tell.
Drseussgrrl Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 I am in a brand new relationship and don't feel that I've settled. You know what I find so incredibly important? I can be completely my imperfect self, and he still thinks I'm awesome. I remember feeling so embarrassed because I broke down crying on one of our first dates, talking about my dog and how she came into my life (a gift from my ex). I thought he was going to assume I'm some psycho sally who couldn't control her emotions. He just looked at me, listened, and held my hand across the table. Wonderful, liberating feeling. 1
TheGuard13 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 I settled when I married, and had a lot of lofty ideas about love conquering all and what I was "supposed" to care about and be doing in a relationship, even though I wasn't the most attracted to her physically, intellectually, etc. Was with her for almost ten years, and struggled for much of it. I settled because I didn't know much about relationships going into it, and neither did she. We weren't compatible in several respects, and we weren't yet mature enough to realize there would be serious issues for us longterm.
MissBee Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 I didn't settle. I refused to settle and would have stayed single for as long as it took even if I never met her. I am not in a LTR and it's precisely for this reason. While I date and I see someone casually, I absolutely refuse to settle and be in a committed relationship just because it's the thing to do. So until I find someone I am genuinely head over heels for and want to have a go of it with, and who I find compatible with me and can see them in my life in the long term...I shall be single and mingle lol. 2
Revolver Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 How are we defining this exactly? For example my mom is MUCH more attractive then my dad is, now and back then. I look at pics of them in their late 20's and think... "Dam... How the hell did he pull her?":o However she never went to college and has been a nurses aid for 2 plus decades, while my dad has been an engineer for a similar amount of time. He makes over 3X as much as she does a year. So did she "settle"? Most people would say No, many women would say she won. So Im kinda confused
man_in_the_box Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 How are we defining this exactly? There is no general way of defining 'settling'. It depends on the person in the relationship and what they find important in their partner. Who cares what the rest of the world thinks? If the world things youve won a first price partner but you're not happy with him/her then what does it mean? Visa versa also applies. 2
Author Weezy1973 Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 There is no general way of defining 'settling'. It depends on the person in the relationship and what they find important in their partner. Who cares what the rest of the world thinks? If the world things youve won a first price partner but you're not happy with him/her then what does it mean? Visa versa also applies. Exactly this. It's not about looking at other people's relationships and thinking to yourself "yeesh did they ever settle." It's about whether or not the people in the relationships themselves feel they have settled, and what accounts for settling will probably be very different depending on the relationship and the individuals in that relationship.
chrisftw Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 and there you have it OP nobody feels they settled except maybe 2 people in this entire thread. third eye dangling off the forehead and all. however without prodding and an interview with somebody. nobody will self admit they settled. its only when you dig deep and ask the question over and over again. do people tend to admit the truth. there was a great psychologist who would ask the same question at least 3 or 4 times. "are you sure" or something to that variation. those who never wavered were speaking true and those who after the third time started to second guess their answer. never even believed their first answer from the get go.
LittleTiger Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 however without prodding and an interview with somebody. nobody will self admit they settled. its only when you dig deep and ask the question over and over again. do people tend to admit the truth. I don't understand this 'logic'. Why would anyone not admit to themselves that they settled? Other than protecting yourself from the 'horror' of realising you have settled, what does it achieve? Lets face it, if someone does settle then they already know they're not happy, without having to admit it. I think there are very, very few people who 'settle'. The vast majority will not agree to spend their life with someone unless they believe them to be incredibly special - and anyone who does otherwise must be very foolish. People who are happy in their relationship couldn't possibly have settled because, if they had, they wouldn't be happy! QED! 2
BradJacobs Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 and there you have it OP nobody feels they settled except maybe 2 people in this entire thread. And perhaps that's because they didn't settle on the big things and found ways to compromise on the small ones? If you have a list of Must Haves that is as long as your arm and you won't budge an inch on them, I'm inclined to think you're (generic you) unrealistic in your expectations. 3
xxoo Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 When "in love", settling is impossible. You crave that person. I'm in love with my husband. I want him, deeply want him, in every sense of the word. He's not perfect, but I don't care. I want to nuzzle in his neck every morning and night. On some level, it's as simple as that. 2
BradJacobs Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 For example my mom is MUCH more attractive then my dad is, now and back then. I look at pics of them in their late 20's and think... "Dam... How the hell did he pull her?":o However she never went to college and has been a nurses aid for 2 plus decades, while my dad has been an engineer for a similar amount of time. He makes over 3X as much as she does a year. So did she "settle"? Most people would say No, many women would say she won. So Im kinda confused She invested in the potential, hitched her wagon to a rising star and was rewarded in the end. That's not settling. That's smart planning.
man_in_the_box Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 however without prodding and an interview with somebody. nobody will self admit they settled. its only when you dig deep and ask the question over and over again. do people tend to admit the truth. Except that this is more of a pseudo-therapeutical self-help board which people love to attend because they can be honest and open about what's wrong with their relationships (or lack thereof). Nobody gives a flying duck if I would pretend my relationship is great while if it would suck in reality. Your argument makes sense in real life as people hate to expose skeletons in closets that might harm their status but here that's irrelevant. People post embarassing revelations all the time, that's exactly what makes this website helpful.
Els Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I don't understand this 'logic'. Why would anyone not admit to themselves that they settled? Other than protecting yourself from the 'horror' of realising you have settled, what does it achieve? Lets face it, if someone does settle then they already know they're not happy, without having to admit it. I think there are very, very few people who 'settle'. The vast majority will not agree to spend their life with someone unless they believe them to be incredibly special - and anyone who does otherwise must be very foolish. People who are happy in their relationship couldn't possibly have settled because, if they had, they wouldn't be happy! QED! For real. I think some people here define 'settling' as 'being with anything less than the 100% perfect man/woman'. Obviously, in that case, that leads to the conclusion that everyone 'settles', because nobody is perfect. But others, me and perhaps yourself included, probably define 'settling' as 'being with someone you aren't happy with just for the sake of having someone'. I don't honestly see how anyone could make any sort of long-term commitment to a R if they're just in it for the sake of being in one, either. I also don't see why it's so difficult for some people to believe that it's possible to love someone who is imperfect and not feel like you 'settled'. Some of us seek connection and compatibility rather than 'the perfect being'. 6
Woggle Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I think there will come a point in our society where many people will consider the simple act of being a relationship with one person to be settling. 1
xxoo Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I also don't see why it's so difficult for some people to believe that it's possible to love someone who is imperfect and not feel like you 'settled'. Some of us seek connection and compatibility rather than 'the perfect being'. I think it's because they've never experienced being in love. If you've felt it, you know that you'll overlook a LOT of imperfections, physical and otherwise, simply because you want to be near that person so much! Heck, I would've lived in a shoebox with my H in our early years. In fact, we nearly did 5
Els Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I think it's because they've never experienced being in love. If you've felt it, you know that you'll overlook a LOT of imperfections, physical and otherwise, simply because you want to be near that person so much! For real. I'm sure there are things about the bf that might turn some other women off - too short, too lean, they don't like his hairstyle, etc. But to me, what we have between us is worth far, far, far more than 200 lbs of pure muscle and 6'4" of that muscle. 5
xxoo Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 For real. I'm sure there are things about the bf that might turn some other women off - too short, too lean, they don't like his hairstyle, etc. But to me, what we have between us is worth far, far, far more than 200 lbs of pure muscle and 6'4" of that muscle. Right! My H is balding. Maybe that's an imperfection for others, but I get turned on by looking down at his bald spot between my....mmmm 2
LittleTiger Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 I think it's because they've never experienced being in love. If you've felt it, you know that you'll overlook a LOT of imperfections, physical and otherwise, simply because you want to be near that person so much! So true! Of course my guy is perfect, physically and otherwise, so I don't have to overlook anything. Oh wait! If I take off the rose tinted specs.....?! :laugh: He is perfect for me though! 2
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