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Should the institution of marriage just be thrown on the scrapheap of history?

Woggle

By Woggle
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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strongnrelaxed Established Member

strongnrelaxed

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Full disclosure: I am nearing the final stage of my second divorce. Married happily (I thought) for 15 years. So I admit some bias here.

 

Marriage is a highly dangerous contract that the government forces upon unsuspecting couples. The protections for mothers who might have to deal with deadbeat fathers is no longer needed, as family court deals harshly with such men.

 

Every single excuse I have heard for marriage in recent years has been laughable. In fact it has become depressing to see how many people are brainwashed into this child-like fairytale mentality.

 

I always thought to myself - If I were a woman who could trick a man into marriage under the current terms and conditions, I am marrying a sucker and would immediately lose respect for him.

 

If you think about it, if his emotions could be so easily manipulated, now that we know better, then what else might his colleagues or business partners - or other women - manipulate him into when you are not around?

 

Maybe this is why women always joke about how stupid men are?

 

So LS - has marriage outlasted is usefulness?

HokeyReligions Established Member

HokeyReligions

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I'm sorry that you are hurting. I understand your feelings tho I can't say I've felt like you. I came close to divorce around 20 years ago but we were able to work it out. A friend of ours was married 3 times and has finally found peace within himself. I hope you find your peace too and that you won't allow your pain to completely sour you on trust and relationships if that is what you want later. It will take time tho.

CherryT Established Member

CherryT

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You have gone through situations that have made you believe that marriage is dead. I don't think it's "laughable" when someone else, who hasn't gone through 2 divorces, to want what you wanted before them.

 

Where I see a problem is if you believed your ex husbands were manipulated or tricked into marriage, that's on you and not necessarily marriage. I don't think any marriage could survive if one of the two people weren't 100% invested in it. I always hear that marriage is a dealbreaker for some women. That to me is a little crazy... I might be out of the norm but I don't really give a sh*t about marriage. I do and I don't. I would prefer to elope. I like the idea of having a significant day in where you make vows to each other and can be held accountable for them. But the whole diamonds and huge wedding party is not for me. I just want the commitment because I'm willing to give the same.

 

My dealbreaker is kids. I want to be a mom. I would be 1000% OK with my SO to stay together, common law for the rest of our lives. But I want to be a mom. If he didn't want kids, we wouldn't be together. If he doesn't want marriage, but believes in commitment, I'm 100% OK with that.

 

So, I don't think marriage is 100% dead. But I do think manipulating or tricking someone into marrying you should be dead. I think in hindsight your vision is always 20/20 and it's not necessarily marriage that's the problem it's the people. People go into marriage without thinking that it's for life. People manipulate their partners because they have been together for x amount of years and now wants a ring and a huge party. I think the issues are with partners and core values versus marriage itself... because marriage can't happen without the people.

Edited by CherryT
strongnrelaxed Established Member

strongnrelaxed

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I'm sorry that you are hurting. I understand your feelings tho I can't say I've felt like you. I came close to divorce around 20 years ago but we were able to work it out. A friend of ours was married 3 times and has finally found peace within himself. I hope you find your peace too and that you won't allow your pain to completely sour you on trust and relationships if that is what you want later. It will take time tho.

 

Thank you for the kind words. Part of my emotional struggle over the past two years has been to let go of the old fairy tales that I was raised to believe. When I look back on it, my perspective on marriage was something akin to a belief in Santa Claus.

 

Not that I was naive, I just had that hope that love would conquer all and if I accommodated my partner enough it would work forever. Bumps in the road and all, it would all work out.

 

Now I realize that each relationship has a trajectory - like a bullet perhaps. Some bullets travel far, some are off the mark from the get go, and others are affected by wind and other outside forces that no amount of gunpowder can overcome.

 

Women's wants and needs are temporary and fleeting and our current society encourages this and actually instills it in little girls.

 

I could have it much worse and be a person of color born in Georgia in 1813. That society would much more hostile to me than this one. But this is no picnic either.

 

Life goes on though. Thanks again.

Balzac Established Member

Balzac

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Marriage was and is a legal business/financial contract. People will continue to enter into marriage contracts.

strongnrelaxed Established Member

strongnrelaxed

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I always hear that marriage is a dealbreaker for some women. That to me is a little crazy... I might be out of the norm but I don't really give a sh*t about marriage. I do and I don't. I would prefer to elope. I like the idea of having a significant day in where you make vows to each other and can be held accountable for them. But the whole diamonds and huge wedding party is not for me. I just want the commitment because I'm willing to give the same.

 

 

 

So, I don't think marriage is 100% dead. But I do think manipulating or tricking someone into marrying you should be dead. I think in hindsight your vision is always 20/20 and it's not necessarily marriage that's the problem it's the people. People go into marriage without thinking that it's for life. People manipulate their partners because they have been together for x amount of years and now wants a ring and a huge party. I think the issues are with partners and core values versus marriage itself... because marriage can't happen without the people.

 

Thanks for the reply. I agree about the wedding too. Eloping is still getting married. So is a special day in which you exchange vows. In all fairness, I am an old school handshake man. If I give my word, I keep it. Unless something comes into play that is extreme or changes the whole relationship, I say what I mean and mean what I say. So vows are ok.

 

It is the legal contract that gets me. I had no idea how bad this was. What an eye opener.

GorillaTheater Established Member

GorillaTheater

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To the extent it ever was, I think marriage has for the time being ceased being an "assumed" or "presumptive" path that's expected of people. There are probably fewer reasons to get married than there used to be, and people are rightly weighing their options more than they used to (given the fact that there are more options available), but there will always be those who choose to have their commitments ratified.

miss_jaclynrae Established Member

miss_jaclynrae

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50% of marriages fail...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

know what that means? 50% of them don't.

That means that 50% of married people actually do get their fairy tale.

I am sorry you are bitter after your divorce, but I think some responsibility is essential to moving on with your life.

 

I do not think marriage is dead, I think that everything happens for a reason.

If a marriage ends, I believe it was meant to end.

KathyM Established Member

KathyM

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The vast majority of people still willingly choose to get married at some point, still fall in love and want to get married, and the majority of marriages last for a lifetime (50% to 60%). Doesn't sound like a dying institution to me. No one is forcing people to marry, unless you are a woman living in a country where women don't have a choice in whether or whom to marry, and their parents decide for them. More marriages would survive if people didn't perceive them as a throw away arrangement to be bailed on as soon as problems arise.

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Not dead but certainly dying. In a few decades marriage will be around but married people will be like the Amish in the sense that they cling to something that no longer applies to the modern world.

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Marriage is like vinyl records and cassettes. It will always have a small cult following but to most people it is a dying relic. I still buy vinyl but I know I am an exception and marriage is the same way.

Anela Established Member

Anela

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Marriage is like vinyl records and cassettes. It will always have a small cult following but to most people it is a dying relic. I still buy vinyl but I know I am an exception and marriage is the same way.

 

I know so many people who are either getting married, or were married in the past few years, and they were/are happy about it. My own sister has been a perpetual thorn in my side (putting it mildly), because I don't feel comfortable around her now-husband. She is downright cruel to me, every single day, because her husband is everything. He can do nothing wrong, has always been perfect, history has been all cleaned up.

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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I know so many people who are either getting married, or were married in the past few years, and they were/are happy about it. My own sister has been a perpetual thorn in my side (putting it mildly), because I don't feel comfortable around her now-husband. She is downright cruel to me, every single day, because her husband is everything. He can do nothing wrong, has always been perfect, history has been all cleaned up.

 

People still get married but they either cheat or hate their spouse and wish they never married.

Janesays Established Member

Janesays

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Apparently, marriage is dead for you.

 

What is annoying to me is when someone fails at something, instead of taking an ounce of personal responsibility and blaming themselves, they blame and entire institution.

 

Maybe marriage isn't the problem.

 

Maybe YOU were the problem?

 

Maybe relationships don't suck.

 

Maybe YOUR RELATIONSHIP sucked.

 

YOU are the common denominator in all of YOU bad choices. How about instead of blaming the rest of the world, you take a good long hard look in the mirror for a change. Because seriously, the rest of the world owes you JACK.

 

This is like saying because I suck at basketball, the sport itself is DYING. Ridiculous.

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CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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People still get married but they either cheat or hate their spouse and wish they never married.

 

And many don't... Some of us have had hard times in their marriage (like both you and I have had), but learn that through patience and waiting we can find someone with whom a real and honest marriage is possible.

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Apparently, marriage is dead for you.

 

What is annoying to me is when someone fails at something, instead of taking an ounce of personal responsibility and blaming themselves, they blame and entire institution.

 

Maybe marriage isn't the problem.

 

Maybe YOU were the problem?

 

Maybe relationships don't suck.

 

Maybe YOUR RELATIONSHIP sucked.

 

YOU are the common denominator in all of YOU bad choices. How about instead of blaming the rest of the world, you take a good long hard look in the mirror for a change. Because seriously, the rest of the world owes you JACK.

 

This is like saying because I suck at basketball, the sport itself is DYING. Ridiculous.

 

You might suck at basketball but it is still very popular. Madison Square Garden is packed during basketball season with people seeing the Knocks play. Lebron James is an icon and Micharl Jordan is a legend. Marriage on the other hand is less popular than ever and most people who married seem to hate being married.

Janesays Established Member

Janesays

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You might suck at basketball but it is still very popular. Madison Square Garden is packed during basketball season with people seeing the Knocks play. Lebron James is an icon and Micharl Jordan is a legend. Marriage on the other hand is less popular than ever and most people who married seem to hate being married.

 

Really? Because a heck of a lot more people get married than play basketball professionally (or even unprofessionally), buster. So to me that says that marriage is more popular than basketball.

 

I'll worry about the state of marriage right after basketball disappears forever, OK?

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Really? Because a heck of a lot more people get married than play basketball professionally (or even unprofessionally), buster. So to me that says that marriage is more popular than basketball.

 

I'll worry about the state of marriage right after basketball disappears forever, OK?

 

Most people don't play it but many people watch it and are very enthusiastic about it. Most people who get married hate it within a few years.

Janesays Established Member

Janesays

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Most people don't play it but many people watch it and are very enthusiastic about it. Most people who get married hate it within a few years.

 

Didn't realize you knew MOST people in the world! Wow!

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Adherence to topic
KathyM Established Member

KathyM

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People still get married but they either cheat or hate their spouse and wish they never married.

Actually, studies show that most people that are married are happier and healthier than their single or divorced counterparts. And a large percentage of divorced people wish they had stayed married or tried harder in their marriage to make it work.

Pyro Established Member

Pyro

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People still get married but they either cheat or hate their spouse and wish they never married.

 

Most people don't play it but many people watch it and are very enthusiastic about it. Most people who get married hate it within a few years.

 

Prove it.....

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Conformance with guidelines
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georgia girl Established Member

georgia girl

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To the original poster, I can see why you think marriage is dead and for you, it may truly be. The fact is, we all have to make our paths in life in a way that fulfills us, honors our dreams and wishes and is a kind, competent and safe way to live.

 

For me, I choose marriage - at nearly 40 years old - for the first time. I "sat out round one" as I called it. I wanted what I wanted and knew that if I didn't have not just the right man, but the right relationship, I wasn't going to take the very real risk of hurt that a broken marriage carries.

 

I am absolutely content and happy in my marriage. I still feel challenged as an individual and pursue many of those dreams I had before marriage. But now, there is a richness in sharing successes and failures with my life's partner and hearing about his. There is the mundane, but somehow even after three years, the mundane is still fun.

 

Marriage for us, however, is also hard work. We don't take it lightly. We work at communication, at having mutual pursuits and individual pursuits. We work at sacrificing and compromising but also at genuinely being honest and happy with and for each other.

 

I don't think marriage is for everyone, but I know it isn't dead. I do feel so badly about your hurt. I hope you find a life's path that is fulfilling and heartwarming.

 

Warmest regards,

 

GG

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