LostnWounded Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 My wife and I have been married for more than 10 years, and together for 15, although no kids. We are a military family, which makes all kinds of things, especially fidelity, more difficult, due to the environment that is fostered in the job and the requirements of the job itself. ~3 months ago, I found out that she had been having an affair with a coworker, and was planning on leaving me. The affair had been going on for ~6 months at that time. It's roots were emotional, and the needs that my wife weren't getting met were very valid, and had been a problem in our marriage for a bit over a year. Oddly, it was before the affair really started that I came to the light on my own and realized I hadn't been being the spouse I needed to be for her emotionally, and began working on changes. Lots of personal growth and progress has been made on my part this year, but it was too late at the time for my wife to see the changes I was sincerely making, all on my own. Anyway, I recently found out that the affair never really ended, as I thought it had. She kept asking him for space instead of ending it, and he kept courting her, and she kept not resisting. As of writing this, I am 100% certain that it is technically over, that good byes have been said, and that she has ended it with this man. Due to the emotional aspect of what has been a real relationship between two people, she is going through a lot of heartache and difficulty following the actual goodbye. She has been working on detaching herself some emotionally from the OM, resolving herself to not go back to him again, and committing to work on our marriage. She was stuck loving two people, and living a double life for the last three months, and it was tearing her apart. None of this makes the affair ok, but I cannot invalidate the pain she feels. The OM walked away from it accepting it, after a long and painful goodbye, and promising never to interfere in her life again. That lasted approximately three days, after which he vowed to never give up on her, to not let her break her promises to him, and to keep pursuing her, via a roundabout message on a socmed site (she had blocked his accounts, but he made a dummy one). I found this by snooping. It was unread, in a spam box, and she has no idea it exists yet. Snooping is bad, I know, but it is so hard not to do, especially with the lies I have experienced, and the fact that I always seem to find something upsetting when I do it. So I know this, but she doesn't yet. Our marriage can be fixed - I have no doubts about that. But it cannot be fixed in the dynamic where another man exists. She has trouble saying "no" (and is in therapy), and doesn't want to hurt him any more, and I feel like these are unless she is harsh and without qualifiers with him, there is no way he is going to stop trying to break apart our marriage, or at least prevent us from healing, which has the same effect, ultimately. She knows, rationally, that a decade+ marriage with love and friendship still in it shouldn't be ended because of a fiery and passionate affair, but the OM is like an addiction that she hasn't shown she can resist yet, although to be fair, this is also the first time it has actually been ended with any firmness on her part. But if he keeps coming to her, pressuring her, trying to win her, I don't know that she has the resolve just yet to say no to the fire she still feels in her heart. She starts working in his vicinity again soon, and a complete NC is not feasible. I feel she is sincere at this point - we have talked a lot, and had a lot of demonstration already (including once where I made it very easy for her to leave if she wanted to by simply giving her a window where I wasn't going to be home and letting her know to **** or get off the pot, for real, just as long as it was honest. I just don't know she has the strength to resist the OM if he keeps coming at her, and he has declared that he is. I am struggling with trust, faith, and the knowledge that despite what my wife's head has decided, someone is trying to actively destroy my marriage by appealing to her heart. I am demonstrating to her that she can find those things with me, and when she is here, she is here. But he has such a powerful influence over her when she is away. He has been her stress relief and comfort when she wasn't getting what she needed at home, and when work is giving her a horrible day, the latter of which is going to continue to happen. I'm sorry if this is disjointed - I am exhausted mentally and emotionally at this point. Thank you if you've born with me through this post. Does anyone have any advice? I know there isn't a magic bullet, but how do I guide her to get over the OM emotionally, to see that she cannot provide him one bit of hope or chance to make a case, to learn to trust her again and not always be questioning and smothering her? (and yes, we are in marriage counseling, and have been for 3 months - we've had one session since the affair actually ended, and the lies with the marriage counselor came out). For anything, I thank you.
Bryanp Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I do hope that you and your wife have been tested for STD's? Do you have children?
Bryanp Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 If the roles had been reversed do you think that your wife would have been as accepting and forgiving as you have been?
Artie Lang Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 she needs to quit her job or start looking for another one ASAP. having NC is imperative to recovering your marriage. if this man is married or in a relationship his spouse needs to know. also, if this continues your wife might want to file harassment charges if this continues. you gotta play hardball with these people..... this includes your wife. 2
road Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Is your WW and the OM in the military? Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Do not feel bad that you are snooping to verify NC.
janedoe67 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Speaking as a WW, there is nothing wrong with you snooping. It is to be expected, and if she is remorseful and transparent this should not be a problem for her. Artie is right about the job. They cannot work together or in the same place, especially with his seeming stalker tendencies. I also agree about Surviving and Affair. I think every WS should read it. You say she does not know it exists. Could YOU give him a very FIRM answer to the email? I would say definitely document his every attempt at contact because a restraining order might be in order. 1
2sure Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 My now XH had a cheating problem . He was a serial cheater. The cheating itself was an addiction. Nothing like your wife's problem. But still, it was a problem in his character and I felt the marriage was worth trying to help him. Part of the work of reconciling Is complete transparency. It's having free access to your spouses communications, passwords, etc. No one wants that job. But for a couple trying to get through this together, it's part of the work that has to be done. 1
Act Two Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 As a fWW my advice to your wife would be to recognize this OM for what he is: a controlling d-bag who has no respect for your family or for her boundaries. She has asked him to stay away and he won't relent. That is direspectful and does not bode well for that relationship if it were ever moved into the light of day. I had an exOM who operated very similar to that. I didn't see that he was an extremely controlling man until my IC helped me examine the affair relationship on its own merit. My advice to you is stay vigilant. If your wife is remorseful, she will give you access to email, cell phone, Facebook, etc. as hard as it is. I would not give her any more chances after this. If she screws up again, she needs to feel the harsh consequences of her actions pretty quickly to snap her out of this. Continued tolerance of an ongoing affair will lead to indefinite torture. 1
itmustbeme Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Sorry you are going through this but IMHO you are worrying about the wrong things. Your problem is not the OM. Your problem is that you are married to a woman who is not acting like a wife. Your wife could stop him in his tracks and never allow any contact and if needed take our a RO to keep him away. I am guessing she will not do that. You did not take vows with the OM. He did not promise anything to you. You have said that her Affair was due to you not being a good husband. All the OM has heard from your wife is that you did not treat her well and he is her knight riding in to save her. You said she does not like to say no but you really need her to be firm with the OM. You need to treat your wife better and make her a priority. Also even neglected wives manage not to have sex with other people outside the marriage. So she will have to start being a wife or she is not worth having around.
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