Pierre Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I wonder why he is like this why he wants to play games? Does he really not care about anybody? The questions are moot because you are going NC. But, I suspect you ask the questions because deep inside you want to believe he has feelings for you.
Owl Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 OK...so theoretically you're not going to talk with him....and we've seen how well that's worked out for you previously. When are you actually going to CHANGE something in your situation, Betsy?????? Do you have any idea at all how frustrating it is to post advice to someone who doesn't use it?!?!?!?!?!?! You know what advice you're going to get...why do you keep asking if you already know what you need to do, but refuse to do it??? 1
Pierre Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 OK...so theoretically you're not going to talk with him....and we've seen how well that's worked out for you previously. When are you actually going to CHANGE something in your situation, Betsy?????? Do you have any idea at all how frustrating it is to post advice to someone who doesn't use it?!?!?!?!?!?! You know what advice you're going to get...why do you keep asking if you already know what you need to do, but refuse to do it??? You give solid advice. However, she cannot go make those changes because every time he throws a crumb she is validated. And she is addicted to the validation. Low self esteem cause people to get addicted to external validation.
Owl Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 You give solid advice. However, she cannot go make those changes because every time he throws a crumb she is validated. And she is addicted to the validation. Low self esteem cause people to get addicted to external validation. She CAN make these changes... ...she just hasn't chosen to do so. It's really that simple. Even addicts CAN change...she's just not hit rock bottom yet. Probably won't happen until it's too late in this case...her H will find out on his own, she'll lose her marriage AND her affair partner, and find herself completely alone without either support. Unless of course she somehow comes to this realization on her own and makes change before that happens. 2
Author Helen A Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 However, she cannot go make those changes because every time he throws a crumb she is validated. And she is addicted to the validation. Low self esteem cause people to get addicted to external validation. Correct. However I can see this for myself. Has anyone else been like this? I'm not sure what else to do apart from completely stop and block all contact at the moment. I'm not going to admit it. Work on improving my self esteem too - I need to lose weight I've joined Slimming World and the gym/swimming. Going to work on me for a bit.
Author Helen A Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 When are you actually going to CHANGE something in your situation, Betsy?????? Yes but before it was a half hearted not talking to him.I know now it makes me worse, so I'm going to stop all the contact. I'm even thinking of changing my phone number and then there will be NONE at all. Over. Done. Dusted.
Pierre Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Correct. However I can see this for myself. Has anyone else been like this? Probably more than 50% of forum members are in the same boat. You are not alone. Interestingly, knowing the causes and pitfalls do not always prevent the damaging behaviors. This is not an easy thing to change because ultimately this is your normal baseline.
2sunny Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 It is only useful to change ALL forms of contact if you never intend to reach out to him ever again. Do you have that kind of self control?
Author Helen A Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 Oh yes. He's playing with my feelings and messing md about. He's not taking up any more of my mind space and he's not getting in the way of my family. Someone nice would be nice to you he is just totally USING me. I now, after Tuesday, do not feel any guilt for blocking contact/not explaining anything/not speaking to him again. Why the hell did I let my guard down again and respond?
2sunny Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Oh yes. He's playing with my feelings and messing md about. He's not taking up any more of my mind space and he's not getting in the way of my family. Someone nice would be nice to you he is just totally USING me. I now, after Tuesday, do not feel any guilt for blocking contact/not explaining anything/not speaking to him again. Why the hell did I let my guard down again and respond? You ALLOW it = that's how it happens! The question is/was - have you changed all forms of ways he can contact you? Do you have enough self control to never contact him?
Author Helen A Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 You ALLOW it = that's how it happens! The question is/was - have you changed all forms of ways he can contact you? He can contact me I haven't changed my number yet but I have plans to. Do you have enough self control to never contact him? I have lots of questions I wAnt answered bit I'm never going to get them bit I'd say yes. I've deleted his number and I don't know it so I can't get in touch with him.
Artie Lang Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 i actually feel sorry for you, anne. you're wasting your breath here.
MissBee Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Doing my best to go NC on an EA that has really messed with my head. Only he's starting to message me again when he hasn't for months.... Saying basically that what's meant to be will be and he wants something to happen. I've said that I don't want an affair. That it's dangerous and pointless. He wanted to start up again sending dirty pics texts etc. I wouldn't do it. He said that he's fine with everything it doesn't bother him. Fine being friends. It did end up a bit ranty and I said look I tell you what I'm going to delete your number and just leave you be. He said that he didnt want that he enjoys our chats. I can't get into this I can't take it further. What would you do ??? Any advice from anyone??? I would BLOCK and DELETE promptly! From a man leads off with wanting to start up sending dirty pics again.......clearly everything else and all that you want went in one ear and out the other. His stance is clearly one of: "Yea..yea..yea, whatever,what will be will be, or something like that, let me say a bunch of random stuff that are lukewarm sentimental but not really, okaay... please can we be friends though and send dirty pictures??? Did it work???" he's not even clever! I'm sorry, this man doesn't have ANY interest in building a real relationship with you...AT ALL! And isn't even smooth enough to fake it. He's making it EASY for you in fact, as what he did should turn anyone off and it's not as though he is coming with talks of love and I'll leave and over the top gestures which understandably pull at OW's heart strings. he is being clear he wants you as a masturbation aid. Please block, delete and ignore for eternity.
anne1707 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 So what if you have deleted his number. That does not equate to you blocking him. That does not mean you are doing anything at all to deal with the mess YOU have made. I shall ask again. What are you doing to sort this out? Please note: deleting his number does not count.
JustAReformedGirl Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Doing my best to go NC on an EA that has really messed with my head. Only he's starting to message me again when he hasn't for months.... Saying basically that what's meant to be will be and he wants something to happen. I've said that I don't want an affair. That it's dangerous and pointless. He wanted to start up again sending dirty pics texts etc. I wouldn't do it. He said that he's fine with everything it doesn't bother him. Fine being friends. It did end up a bit ranty and I said look I tell you what I'm going to delete your number and just leave you be. He said that he didnt want that he enjoys our chats. I can't get into this I can't take it further. What would you do ??? Any advice from anyone??? If you've been abundantly clear, and he's not getting it, your best bet is to flat-out ignore him. You want the NC, right? Difficult as it may be, use all the strength you can muster to maintain that NC policy. You've told him you're done. Now, back those words up with actions. I truly wish you the best. I know how messed up you're probably feeling. 1
Author Helen A Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 He messaged me this morning. This time I was so rude. I said it's over he said we are fine, I said I'm not give with you and delete my phone number no more chats its over I'm done. So he sent me a sad crying face , emoji. I replied yeah right like you ever gave a **** anyway. He sed oh you are silly. I'm bloody FUMING!!!!! Silly? Am I silly? Is this was this just a joke? I didnt reply to that and that was that. Now that's it. Thankyou for all your replies. After me droning on here. His number is gone, he's blocked on twitter, I'm not socialising with them, I'm gonna read the books Anne suggested and sort out my crazy head. For a minute I felt bad what I sed and was going to reply... What do u think?
Artie Lang Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 ^agreed. you'll be back in a few with the same question- "What do you think?" listen, Betsy..... as long as you keep this to yourself and keep your husband and your friend in the dark about this, you have become an enabler to this POS's inappropriate behavior.
2sunny Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 He messaged me this morning. This time I was so rude. I said it's over he said we are fine, I said I'm not give with you and delete my phone number no more chats its over I'm done. So he sent me a sad crying face , emoji. I replied yeah right like you ever gave a **** anyway. He sed oh you are silly. I'm bloody FUMING!!!!! Silly? Am I silly? Is this was this just a joke? I didnt reply to that and that was that. Now that's it. Thankyou for all your replies. After me droning on here. His number is gone, he's blocked on twitter, I'm not socialising with them, I'm gonna read the books Anne suggested and sort out my crazy head. For a minute I felt bad what I sed and was going to reply... What do u think? I thought you blocked him already. Or you said you changed ALL your contact info! Until you take steps to DO all that - he will still contact you for his ego stroke and request you demean yourself by sending pictures. How sad that you think so little of yourself to even think of being charmed by this douchebag. Tell his wife! That might stop it!
Pierre Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 So he sent me a sad crying face , emoji. I replied yeah right like you ever gave a **** anyway. He sed oh you are silly. He does not care about you. There is your answer. That was humiliating!
2sunny Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 (edited) Ask yourself if your husband would think your correspondence with him is "silly"? I'd bet he wouldn't find one thing about it all "silly"!!! You claim to be a friend to his wife. A friend would tell what crappy behavior is being exhibited by the spouse! I'm sure he does this crap with "many" women!!! And she deserves to know! The ones he spends time and energy on are the ones participating on a level that meets his requirements - ie sex, dirty pics, and the gals willing to demean themselves enough for the perpetrator (him)! Tell his wife! Edited August 2, 2013 by 2sunny
Quiet Storm Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 This is just a game to him. He doesn't consider your feelings, at all. Any response from you gives him an ego stroke- even if it's negative. Many men like this do or say things on purpose to upset you. It's fun for them to get people riled up. It's his entertainment for the day. Positive & happy replies validate him. But so do negative ones. Getting you all upset is proof to him that you care. It confirms his specialness. Stop volunteering to be the puppet in his puppet show. Cut the strings. For good. Do not take his rejection or treatment of you personally. Him being an a5shole does not diminish your worth.
JustAReformedGirl Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 This is just a game to him. He doesn't consider your feelings, at all. Agreed. He's treating you like an idiot, Betsy. Any response from you gives him an ego stroke- even if it's negative. Much like an attention-starved child; he'll take what he can get from you. Betsy, don't give him another thought. Don't waste your precious time and energy on him. You're just a joke to him. Positive & happy replies validate him. But so do negative ones. Getting you all upset is proof to him that you care. It confirms his specialness. ^ This. Right on the money. Stop volunteering to be the puppet in his puppet show. Cut the strings. For good. Hard as it is, Betsy, you have to do this. He doesn't care about you; it's all about him. Don't let him keep playing you. Do not take his rejection or treatment of you personally. Him being an a5shole does not diminish your worth. Also this, a thousand times.
2sunny Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 You say in another thread that you agreed to a BBQ at his house with your H and his W! Why? I hope you blatantly refused - telling your H what he is doing! He is NOT a friend of your M! He is the enemy! Act like it!
anne1707 Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I wish that was the case Sunny but no they all spent the day together and since then she has got herself further back into this mess. Betsy - you have blocked him on twitter. Have you blocked all other means of communication? Plus what about all the other suggestions we have made such as counselling?
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