Lady2163 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I vote for not telling because there was NO sex actually perpetrated. Years ago my ex husband had a bachelor party. The men took off for the strip clubs. I was fine with it, because I trusted him. Fast forward, I'm divorced my boyfriend is getting ready to take off on a two week camping trip with the boys and they are taking the 21 year old to his first strip joint. There was a very long fight about this. I didn't trust him, he would be 1000 miles away and he wasn't coming home to me that night. Telling the husband that it was an emotional affair or Internet affair is going to make it seem worse than it is. No matter how detailed she is, he's always going to assume the worst. You're friends with the couple, but not family? Are you able to plant the idea in your husbands head along these lines.... "I don't enjoy spending time with X and Y anymore. I don't know how to explain it, something is just off kilter there."
Author Helen A Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Have you considered having IC? What is that counselling? No I haven't. I don't think I need that a few posts on here, some time and NC and think ill get myself sorted. Yes I could probably say something along those lines. Our meet ups are much less infrequent though as I don't tend to arrange much after this had started. I just can't get why I still like someone who's an idiot and who's made me feel like this.
anne1707 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 So you are basically going to carry on with what you have already been doing (which is bu**er all) and has not worked for you so far. Why do you think doing nothing is going to make a difference this time?
Author Helen A Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 I wouldn't say that Anne I did a months NC. I'm back doing that again now. It's a pointless hopeless situation. And having an affair is just head work. I am happy in my own life. I don't want to wreck anybody else's. You can still answer questions on this thread does it really matter? Interested to know how you find coping working with this person?
2sunny Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Maybe three out of the five things suggested then. I can't understandhow somebody can want to do stuff like this bit it not affect them or bother them in any way and they can act normal? Has anyone Been able to do this and not be bothered? It never bothers me to delete and block contact with such a douchebag! Why you bother responding to him is tough to understand. Get some courage - be honest with your H that you're not happy being married to him.
anne1707 Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Betsy You came to Ls in early June and whilst you had not seen the MOM for a while there were stilll texts, tweets etc between you. It is now late July and you saw him about a week ago and texted him the week before that. So in all you have done around just one month of NC, not months. Your version of NC actually includes socialising with him, his wife and his children. This is NOT really NC. And as it is when you last broke NC by doing this, it brought you back here in a state with him texting you again. You were even warned here that something like this would happen. I am not going to get into the tell or don't tell your husband except to say that it would be far, far better for everybody if he were to find out from you and not from someone else. As for your life being so happy.... if it is so happy and you are so happy with it and yourself, you would not have had an affair. Hence why I have suggested IC to help you dig deep into why you have done what you did and truly learn from it. I have also suggested that you get "his needs,her needs"to help improve your marriage. Have you done that? I have answered questions but you keep asking for more and that would be a t/j as the topic of this thread is you, not me. You have said more than once that you will go back and read my threads. I guess you have not done that either. As for how I "cope" with working with the exOM. Well all you have to do is read what I have already advised you to do. By doing NC, having IC and MC, telling my H and working on my marriage. 1
2sunny Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 I wouldn't say that Anne I did a months NC. I'm back doing that again now. It's a pointless hopeless situation. And having an affair is just head work. I am happy in my own life. I don't want to wreck anybody else's. You can still answer questions on this thread does it really matter? Interested to know how you find coping working with this person? You are not happy in your life or you would have blocked him before...and you wouldn't be wasting time and energy thinking about him at all - much less posting here... Probably while you're ignoring your understanding husband you keep disrespecting by communicating at all with the OM.
2sunny Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 I wouldn't say that Anne I did a months NC. I'm back doing that again now. It's a pointless hopeless situation. And having an affair is just head work. I am happy in my own life. I don't want to wreck anybody else's. You can still answer questions on this thread does it really matter? Interested to know how you find coping working with this person? You can quit! That's solves not having to see him at work. Why haven't you quit? He wants contact because it feeds his ego!
anne1707 Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 You can quit! That's solves not having to see him at work. Why haven't you quit? He wants contact because it feeds his ego! And her ego too Sunny
Author Helen A Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 I don't work with him. Gosh no. My question was to Anne who says she worked with the person she had an affair with. I don't. I am happy in my life, it's a happy life. I just enjoyed some attention from somebody new. I'm sure there's lots of people who have done that. I don't feel there's any problems. I'm sure he's just the same - Bored again now, although happy in his marriage, but just wanting some attention again.
LimeBlue Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I'm shocked he messaged me tbh I thought this was all over on his part , Do you think he is just trying to use me? I am in a similar position. I found out this morning that my friend (I still consider him a friend, not an emotional affair partner) wanted to text me last night but he choose not to in light of what we decided on three weeks ago. I guess my feelings towards him do indicate more than friendship. It is heart breaking, I miss him so much. I miss having that one person to reach out to because i have nobody else but I also respect him and want him to reach a decision on his life without my influence. I would also hazard a guess that he misses me too, or perhaps deep down I hope he misses me. What are you going to do?
LimeBlue Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 They all call back.:sick: Perhaps I have missed some of this thread - do you refer to the WMM? And if so, from a mans point of view, why do they go back?
anne1707 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I am happy in my life, it's a happy life. I just enjoyed some attention from somebody new. I'm sure there's lots of people who have done that. I don't feel there's any problems. Betsy - the problem is within you. You had an EA because you wanted attention. That is why you need to do something about this rather than just doing the head in the sand, life will be ok thing.
Artie Lang Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 (edited) Do you think he is just trying to use me? are you really asking this question? what do you think? look, you've been warned about this situation many times over. it's a wonder anne is still taking the time to give you advice. to be honest, it seems you enjoy the drama..... this silly little game of cat & mouse. you're acting like some 12 year-old schoolgirl asking herself "I wonder if he likes me, or he really really likes me." grow up and put your BIG GIRL panties on and stop this childish behavior. an adult doesn't stand for this. you have given this man every opportunity to stop with this inappropriate behavior. it's high time you informed your husband of this. Edited July 29, 2013 by Artie Lang 1
Owl Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I don't work with him. Gosh no. My question was to Anne who says she worked with the person she had an affair with. I don't. I am happy in my life, it's a happy life. I just enjoyed some attention from somebody new. I'm sure there's lots of people who have done that. I don't feel there's any problems. I'm sure he's just the same - Bored again now, although happy in his marriage, but just wanting some attention again. If your husband knew the truth...knew what you've done...would he agree with your assessment? This is NOT all about you, and what makes you happy...you do realize that, yes? Doesn't your husband actually get a vote in whether or not he has to remain with you, in light of what you've done? Doesn't he DESERVE the option to decide that or not???
2sunny Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 So you are lacking attention in your M. And you've been hiding your communications with your H. Why not tell your H what you need from him? That way you wouldn't look for it outside your M. If you don't - you're sure to keep chasing someone to fulfill your attention seeking (selfish) needs...
Author Helen A Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 He has been messaging me a lot since I posted last. And I feel like I'm back in it again back kind of obsessed again. I need to let the MM go.....
2sunny Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 He has been messaging me a lot since I posted last. And I feel like I'm back in it again back kind of obsessed again. I need to let the MM go..... Or you may very well get caught! Why not put THAT time and energy into your husband? And seriously, what if you found out your H was in contact with a woman the way you are with this OM? You are hurting your H and your M - and at this point it IS on purpose! It is, because you know it harms the M - yet you just keep doing it knowing it harms your husband. That is NOT loving behavior! And since you aren't capable of enough self control to act loving towards your H - then divorce him! He deserves a wife who respects and honors him - and that is NOT you! You can say you love him all you want - but your ACTIONS contradict your words! 1
anne1707 Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 So basically you are at the point of a full on affair which we have all predicted. Unless you finally do something about this. To be honest I am totally pi$$ed off (yet not at all surprised) that I have been wasting my time posting advice for you for weeks now.
2sunny Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Take a hard look at what you call your marriage! Al this douchebag has to do is start texting you - and you are willing to destroy your marriage. What does that say about you? I'll tell you what evidence it shows! You are so desperate for attention and so needy that you are willing to destroy your marriage for a few mindless and effortless texts. That's just disgusting - you don't have a relationship with your husband. You don't respect him one bit. There's no honor or love in your marriage - you're doing everything you can to ruin whatever may have been good. Get divorced - then you can hurt whoever you want. Tell your husband what a lousy wife you've been. Tell him you are so desperate and needy that a simple text gets you all giddy. Tell him you have no conscience to do what is right.
anne1707 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 You have already been told what to do yet you chose to ignore that advice. Completely block all means of communication. Go 100% NC Tell your husband Start IC and MC Post in the Infidelity forum if its your marriage you want to save Rather than re-type I will just re-quote. Are you going to do any of the above now or are you going to enter into a full on affair? What do you want? Your husband or the MOM?
Author Helen A Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 Anne don't get p***** off. You're advice has been good. I'm just crazy ATM don't you remember the crazy feelings when you had an A? BUT nothing's changed. He wants to see where this goes, ie wants to take it further. I know that it would end up in a huge mess. I'm not going to. I'm going to properly take some advice now, I can't be his friend I don't think it's going to work that way. Why am I acting like this when I know that he does not /is not really bothered about me? Take a hard look at what you call your marriage! Al this douchebag has to do is start texting you - and you are willing to destroy your marriage. What does that say about you? I'll tell you what evidence it shows! You are so desperate for attention and so needy that you are willing to destroy your marriage for a few mindless and effortless texts. Reading that brings it home so true!!!!!
anne1707 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I do remember what it is like which is why I have been trying to knock some sense into you for the past month or so You know what the advice is so what do you actually plan to do?
Author Helen A Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 I'm not going to bother speaking to him again. I'm not going to answer any messages. Any tweets. Remove his number. I'm not going to socialise with them anymore it's all too weird at the moment. My crazy side that wants to speak to him all the time - every time I do I end up getting upset, we spoke two days ago for ages etc and now he has yet again completely ignored me. I haven't heard from him since. He knows how I feel but yet he doesn't care about me he is using me for when he is bored. What would you do right now? Would you feel bad for ignoring any texts you get? I'm going to have to because I need to sort myself out.
anne1707 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Betsy Don't waste your time worrying about him and whether you should feel bad about not texting him. He isn't worrying about you and to be honest you should worry more about how your husband would feel if you did continue texting the MOM and he found out. I really do think you need to sort out some IC for yourself. You have to find a way of working through how you feel and what you want and posting on LS is not enough. You need to block all means of communication immediately. What else are you going to do?
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