Helen A Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Doing my best to go NC on an EA that has really messed with my head. Only he's starting to message me again when he hasn't for months.... Saying basically that what's meant to be will be and he wants something to happen. I've said that I don't want an affair. That it's dangerous and pointless. He wanted to start up again sending dirty pics texts etc. I wouldn't do it. He said that he's fine with everything it doesn't bother him. Fine being friends. It did end up a bit ranty and I said look I tell you what I'm going to delete your number and just leave you be. He said that he didnt want that he enjoys our chats. I can't get into this I can't take it further. What would you do ??? Any advice from anyone???
Goodbye Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 He sounds selfish. I take it he isn't married? It seems like he has nothing to lose and he doesn't particularly worry about your predicament being married and all. I'd block him and continue your EA detox.
Author Helen A Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Yes he's married. We are both married.
anne1707 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 (edited) You have already been told what to do yet you chose to ignore that advice. Completely block all means of communication. Go 100% NC Tell your husband Start IC and MC Post in the Infidelity forum if its your marriage you want to save Edited July 26, 2013 by anne1707
Author Helen A Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 Anne ill do 4/ out of the 5 things you suggested. I'm shocked he messaged me tbh I thought this was all over on his part , Do you think he is just trying to use me?
Lady2163 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 It's tough for strangers on the Internet to really know the true motives of an affair partner. If no contact has worked for you for these months, then I say, take care of you. Block his texts/number...and if possible while I know it's a total pain, change your phone number. Sorry this is happening to you. Hope it gets better.
Owl Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 He's pressuring you for dirty pics, after you've insisted to him that this whole thing bothers you and you want it over. He tells you it doesn't bother him, and then pushes you for more. What conclusion would YOU come to, looking at this from the outside, Betsy? Yes, he's using you. If you're doing four out of the five things...and the one you won't do is tell your H...that's going to negate a lot of the value of the remaining four. MC without truth and honesty is worse than useless...it's a waste of time and money, and it ends up focusing on things that aren't actually the crux of the problem. The MC can't truly help you if they don't have the full truth...your H won't be motivated to try to fix/understand things without the full truth...and if you're not telling the full truth, you're STILL lying/deceiving, and preventing anyone from moving forward in this. If you can't tell your H, don't bother with MC. Go instead to IC, but realize you're leaving a big gaping hole in your path to recovering your marriage. 2
Author Helen A Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 Maybe three out of the five things suggested then. I can't understandhow somebody can want to do stuff like this bit it not affect them or bother them in any way and they can act normal? Has anyone Been able to do this and not be bothered?
anne1707 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 So because 4 out of 5 won't be enough, you only plan to do 3 out of 5. How do you think that will be more effective? You have been told more than once by those who have been there and done that what to do yet you still ignore. Have you not realised yet that is why the MOM is still able to play games with you?
Author Helen A Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 I can see now whereas before I was in that silly fog. To him this is just a laugh, a game, he's just out for a bit of fun. But when you're both married its not a bloody laugh. And my feelings aren't a joke. BUT I can see him for the idiot he is. So NC, no texts, etc no bloody pictures and moving on. I wonder why he is like this why he wants to play games? Does he really not care about anybody?
anne1707 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 That is only one out of 5. Unless you are still going to have family get togethers. In that case, it is zero out of 5. You are even still focussing on what the MOM is thinking rather than focussing on your husband and marriage. Besty - you need to open your eyes and actually DO something to end this rather than just head in the sand and hoping the MOM stops it for you.
Author Helen A Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 I've stopped it though Anne from my part, Ie I don't initiate the contact, etc. cutting the get togethers down aswell. Working on feeling better. My husband is such a better nicer person it's just not ŵorth it for silly attention. I'm already lots better ESP since I found love shack. I was mental, how can somebody make you feel like that?
anne1707 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 But there will still be family get togethers, won't there. And you thought it was all going so well until you all got together a few days ago. Do you not see that something really does have to change? Have you followed through completely on any advice you have been given here on LS?
Author Helen A Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Not so much as before with the get togethers,it was a lot more. Yes I've followed NC.
anne1707 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 No. You have not followed NC. You spent the day with him and his family. You texted him before that day to see how he felt. Since then when he texted you, you responded. Don't you see that you typing the words "I have done NC" is not supported by your actions? When you talk about NC in the future, what will that actually mean? Will you still spend time with him and his wife? Will there still be texts between you even if just arranging family get togethers? If yes to the above then this is not NC. I work with the exOM and I do NC as best as I can. There is no personal chat whatsoever and personal chat can be something as "innocent" as "what did you do over the weekend" or "where are you going on holiday". I just don't do that talk and neither does her.
Author Helen A Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 No there won't be further texts arranging anything I'm doing NC on a one to one basis. She tends to text me to arrange things or my hubby and we wouldn't be alone/get a chance to talk or anything. How do you find working with him? I don't think I could handle that after a three year affair.
Pierre Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Anne ill do 4/ out of the 5 things you suggested. I'm shocked he messaged me tbh I thought this was all over on his part , Do you think he is just trying to use me? You are so innocent. Shocked??? They all call back.:sick:
canuckprincess Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 You say ea, have you ever met him face to face?
Author Helen A Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Are there any men reading ? From a mans point of view what do u think?
Lady2163 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I'm not in agreement with telling your husband. My suggestion would be to get individual counseling and check in with people here to see if they would tell again if they had the chance to do it over. And if your counselor recommends telling, I'd still get a second opinion. My reason for not telling with the information I have here is that if the affair is over, you take the chance your husband will leave and put you through hell. Did I read it right that this was emotional and not physical? Was it raunchy pictures, sex talk but no actually sex acts? I would foresee possibly losing your husband and your life when yes, what you did was wrong, you were tempted, but there wasn't sex. However, if your husband decides to stay in the marriage, you will have years of monitoring and mistrust. I knew of a situation where the spouse when totally ballistic 10 years after an affair had ended because the mate was two hours late and cell phone had died. That's a long time to not be fully trusted. (side note: flat tire, no jack, walked to gas station, borrowed jack, walked back to car, changed tire, returned jack, came home). Spouse even suspected letting air out of tire.
anne1707 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 You say ea, have you ever met him face to face? Betsy and her husband are good friends of the OM and his wife. Betsy Just because you won't text him to arrange family get togethers does not mean you are doing NC. I listed 5 things at the start of this thread as things many would recommend you should do. You said you would do 4 out of 5. You then said you would do 3 out of 5. You then said you would do NC ie just 1 out of 5 but you are not even doing that if you are still going to socialise with him. Is there anything you are actually prepared to do to stop this mess and sort out your marriage?
anne1707 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I would foresee possibly losing your husband and your life when yes, what you did was wrong, you were tempted, but there wasn't sex. However, if your husband decides to stay in the marriage, you will have years of monitoring and mistrust. I knew of a situation where the spouse when totally ballistic 10 years after an affair had ended because the mate was two hours late and cell phone had died. That's a long time to not be fully trusted. (side note: flat tire, no jack, walked to gas station, borrowed jack, walked back to car, changed tire, returned jack, came home). Spouse even suspected letting air out of tire. As a fWS who has reconciled I can tell you that you are way off base if you think this is what it is like in all reconciled marriages.
Author Helen A Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 You say ea, have you ever met him face to face? Not for purpose of this. I am friendly with him and his wife me and my husband. This has purely been chats/ messages over a few months, sexts etc saying what we would like to go etc. we've never actually met up or taken it further. We have spoken about it but not done so. Did I read it right that this was emotional and not physical? Was it raunchy pictures, sex talk but no actually sex acts? Yes that's what happened. Is there anything you are actually prepared to do to stop this mess and sort out your marriage? Yes Anne. Go NC and leave it be. I also agree with the it would completely ruin my marriage wen it's over/ I could end up on my own with my little 3yo, wreck her life, wreck their lives with their kids - so admitting it is just not an option here. I know what I'm going to do to leave this be, but I am still wondering why he's doing this as yea I still like him. My feelings can't just be turned on an off bit the difference is I'm not going to act on them. Anne, so at the end of yours did you just switch off completely and 100% concentrate on your husband? For me it's going to take time. And you didn't answer my Q about working with your OM.
anne1707 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 If you want to know my story, as I have already told you, read my threads. Otherwise it would be a t/j. Have you considered having IC?
Pierre Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I'm not in agreement with telling your husband. My suggestion would be to get individual counseling and check in with people here to see if they would tell again if they had the chance to do it over. And if your counselor recommends telling, I'd still get a second opinion. My reason for not telling with the information I have here is that if the affair is over, you take the chance your husband will leave and put you through hell. Did I read it right that this was emotional and not physical? Was it raunchy pictures, sex talk but no actually sex acts? I would foresee possibly losing your husband and your life when yes, what you did was wrong, you were tempted, but there wasn't sex. However, if your husband decides to stay in the marriage, you will have years of monitoring and mistrust. I knew of a situation where the spouse when totally ballistic 10 years after an affair had ended because the mate was two hours late and cell phone had died. That's a long time to not be fully trusted. (side note: flat tire, no jack, walked to gas station, borrowed jack, walked back to car, changed tire, returned jack, came home). Spouse even suspected letting air out of tire. Telling and not telling is always controversial. Those that are insecure generally do not tell for fear of being rejected by the betrayed spouse. The downside is a wall between the couple. True intimacy has no walls and the secret is a huge wall. However, some people seem to be able to accept this, but in the end it becomes a pseudo-relationship (at least for the wandering side). Difficult choice. I vote for not telling if the wandering spouse is truly remorseful.
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