LaFemmeBrille Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Hi, all! So, I'm trying to make sense of the relationship I am in right now, or at the very least seek out some moral support and comfort. My boyfriend's behavior is becoming more and more frustrating, and I am at wit's end!!! We started talking back at the end of March when he added me to his FB friends list. We actually share mutual friends and went to the same high school, so there was a positive commonality to begin with. Like sooooo many of these jilted love stories, he was very attentive and aggressive in seeking me out at first. We really did click so well, sharing intellectual conversation and humor easily and naturally. Our first date went well, and it didn't take long to realize we have MAJOR chemistry!!!! Mmmmmmm! At the beginning of dating, I was definitely "cool" and patient, not expecting things to happen too fast or to expect more than what was reasonable. My bf kept initiating more and more commitment on his own, until he sprung the "l" word on me (was such a sweet day) and wanted to become exclusive. The problem is, as time has passed (now been several months), he has not made any effort to grow closer. He almost never calls me; we text daily, though. I told him that I find phone calls to be comforting, that a small ritual of saying goodnight or "hey" occasionally would go a long way in making me feel cherished. He balked at the idea. In fact, every single time I have mentioned something I like or appreciate, it is as if he is almost defiant about it. His behavior, as of late, has only become less caring. Where he used to post little love notes to my FB wall, he doesn't any more. No romance at all: no flowers, cards, planning ahead, nothing! He has been late to the last two recent date nights we had planned, despite him knowing how important punctuality is to me. I just see a slow fade happening, and it makes me so sad. "I can't wait to see you's" are now "too busy's" and "too stressed's." I feel alone, neglected, and alienated. I am a pretty and kind woman who has a lot to offer, but he no longer seems to appreciate that. Not to mention, the last few arguments we've had (over him being late or his actions not matching his words), he has even resorted to saying nasty things like "**** you" and other hateful spears. It's terrible how much I love him and how this has become so nasty and lonely. Last night I told him I missed him over text and he wrote back: "I know you probably want me to call you, but I'm feeling too stressed over homework and stuff. Sorry. Hmmmm, that's odd." I almost dumped him on the spot, since I never even mentioned calling and even if I did want to talk, he was available and basically saying, "Nahhhhhh..." He's even told me in the past when he has called that I should feel damn lucky. Oh, God, is this even salvageable? There is so much passion and closeness at times, and then almost purposeful distancing. I'm just hurting and in need of an understanding shoulder. And if you see a problem, please be tactful and not too blunt. Reality has already smacked me hard in the face more than I care to admit.
jphcbpa Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 You deserve better. The name calling *(&^ you is unacceptable!!! He is showing you his true colors. Sorry that you feel hurt and unappreciated but you know the next right thing to do. 2
Midnight_Princess Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Sorry to read your thread, i know how it feels to be in your situation and its not nice. It reads as if most of your contact is just text and facebook, how often do you two actually get together? I personally wouldnt put up with being talked to like crap just for wanting to hear my boyfriends voice . Have you told him how this all makes you feel? Or could the cause of his stress be the reason hes acting this way? Best of luck.
aloneinaz Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Sorry, I need to be a bit blunt! End it now. He's fading fast and clearly you're not important to him. Don't let him dump you, it will make you feel worse. I'm serious, you end it on your terms. Let him feel rejected like you've been feeling. My ex did a slow fade on me the last two months as well. I saw it and challenged her on it and she lied and assured me that wasn't the case. Guess what, she ended it soon there after. Both his words and actions are of someone who is not interested in you anymore. Dump him, do it today. You'll be in control. 2
Author LaFemmeBrille Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 (edited) It's just confusing because he is so hot and cold. He has done nice things like fix my car, bought an A/C unit for me when I had none and it was a million degrees out, and recently helped me when I was stranded with a flat tire. He tells me he loves me in tones of honey, but his flakiness tells me something else entirely. He seems ambivalent. :*( Oh, and we see one another 2-3 days a week, usually; though he seems to not be as "present" anymore. Edited July 25, 2013 by LaFemmeBrille Adding
Midnight_Princess Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I can tell by what you say that your not just going to up and leave him. I personally think you need to sit down face to face and have a chat about your worries and what could be causing him to act this way. If youve done that already and its still happening then its up to you if you want to continue to be treated like this. You cant change this, only he can so dont think its your fault. Its really not good hes acting this way so early on. 4
Author LaFemmeBrille Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 I ended up caving and sending him an IM today (weak, yes, yes), just asking how he is doing. He ended up chatting with me for a few minutes. I was terse and not terribly emotive. He asked how I was feeling, and I told him anxious. Then, he called. First, he let me know that he had some poison for my ant problem at my apartment (I live in a dump, lol) and then he asked me why I was feeling anxious. I told him straight up that I was extremely concerned about recent events, told him I feel ambivalence, sensed his ambivalence, and told him that what I want is a mature, healthy, fun relationship and that he and I need to restore goodwill for one another. I told him that I can't be in a situation where he is cussing me out and disrespectful. I said we both need to make our needs and wants known and respected if things were to work. Bf then said that perhaps he had not fully shared his needs and hopes as clearly as he should have. He had to get to class, but mentioned that we will discuss this further afterwards... I kept my emotions in check, and still am trying to. I know what I need, and I am willing to give it my all; just not my integrity. He has to be in this too. 2
Author LaFemmeBrille Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 Well, the discussion has gone great. Bf was very candid and shared his concerns and was open and honest to my satisfaction. It felt real and even hopeful. Feeling better about things for the moment, though it's going to take time to fully win me back over again. 1
sdraw108 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Feeling better about things for the moment, though it's going to take time to fully win me back over again. Try to remain as detached as possible while you see how things go. There's a very strong risk he will revert back to his normal self, and you want to limit your hurt as much as possible if that happens. 1
Author LaFemmeBrille Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 Oh, definitely! Still wary, but also trying to be a little optimistic.
Midnight_Princess Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Now to see if his actions match his words Glad to hear youre feeling better about things! Also glad you didnt follow the advice of just dumping him. 1
hoping2heal Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 He almost never calls me; we text daily, though. I told him that I find phone calls to be comforting, that a small ritual of saying goodnight or "hey" occasionally would go a long way in making me feel cherished. He balked at the idea. In fact, every single time I have mentioned something I like or appreciate, it is as if he is almost defiant about it. This is really all you need to know. You didn't make him guess; you told him point blank what makes you feel good and why and he didn't care. He was dismissive about it. You can't expect to feel cherished, loved, and cared for by someone who can't even be bothered to consider your feelings. Not to mention, the last few arguments we've had (over him being late or his actions not matching his words), he has even resorted to saying nasty things like "**** you" and other hateful spears. It's terrible how much I love him and how this has become so nasty and lonely. Oh, God, is this even salvageable? What is driving this behavior from you?? This man has treated you so carelessly, with so little regard, and you keep trying to throw some duct tape on it and make it good. Why? Why? Why? It's the big question you need to ask yourself. Why try and budge this callous a-hole into giving you what you want when there are men out there who will be attentive to you, sensitive to your needs, and make you feel loved and cared about? Why bother trying to milk that out of this one?? 1
Author LaFemmeBrille Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 He just sent this message to me: "Thank you for raising and voicing your concern. I feel like some positivity has come from it and I have gained some comfort, trust, and peace of mind with us. I hope you are feeling some of the same. You really are a special and worthy woman of my love and respect, and I aim to try to make you feel that way. And I absolutely love you too." I'm swooning a bit. When it's good, it's GOOD. And when it's bad, he's a mopey, surly creep and I'm an insecure, weeping mess. The trick is, we both have to keep our destructive sides at bay. Also, we started hot and heavy (passion, passion, PASSION!), so there probably has been a bit of fantasy burn-out and high expectations: "the candle that burns twice as bright..." The turning point will be building a solid, loving relationship based on mutual care and respect and REALITY--haha. Still no certainty of what the future holds (still going to be cautious), but who knew honest and direct communication actually works sometimes? Hehe.
charlietheginger Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 So its only been 4 months and hes like this? Dump him hes a douche.. Douche is correct ..... Thats why i dislike most men....becuase most are douches Honestly i hate bitchy women that treat guys like crap But i also hate douchebags that treat good women like crap most guys get the vagina then dont want to put the effort Into keeping the relationship alive.... But lets be honest if he always left those love notes adored You and cherished you? Would you take it for granted as Oh hes to nice of a guy... Hey it happens
Author LaFemmeBrille Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 By the way, I probably sound super Pollyanna-ish at the moment, but I had to at least try the approach that the relationship is a dance and I needed to slightly adjust my step. I don't know what's going to happen, but if I died tonight, I'd be satisfied and happy. Until I know he's the one I want to be committed to forever, I'm enjoying feeling this out. I just hope that there is no more tumultuous crap for a very long, long, long time!
hoping2heal Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 He just sent this message to me: "Thank you for raising and voicing your concern. I feel like some positivity has come from it and I have gained some comfort, trust, and peace of mind with us. I hope you are feeling some of the same. You really are a special and worthy woman of my love and respect, and I aim to try to make you feel that way. And I absolutely love you too." I'm swooning a bit. When it's good, it's GOOD. And when it's bad, he's a mopey, surly creep and I'm an insecure, weeping mess. The trick is, we both have to keep our destructive sides at bay. Also, we started hot and heavy (passion, passion, PASSION!), so there probably has been a bit of fantasy burn-out and high expectations: "the candle that burns twice as bright..." The turning point will be building a solid, loving relationship based on mutual care and respect and REALITY--haha. Still no certainty of what the future holds (still going to be cautious), but who knew honest and direct communication actually works sometimes? Hehe. Here I come to dump all over your parade, But maybe not really. But maybe it will..I don't know. The letter he wrote looked great. Quite a turn around from the person who balked at the idea of you wanting phone calls and becoming defiant when you communicated your feelings before, no? Did he have an earnest change of heart? Maybe Something that struck me was the pendulum. The hot and cold, the up and the down. Then, I read it in your own words. When it's good it's really good. I think this guy is mind fking you in total. Doesn't make me correct just because I think it, but I can't comprehend how the man couldn't give two farts in the wind about your needs one minute and weeks later he has the prose of Langston Hughes and all of the articulate expression to match. You sound like your judgement is being clouded heavily by the sex, too. You said you were swooning over his e-mail; but you should be the one asking yourself "wait, who is this guy all of a sudden? Why the dramatic shift?" Instead you are easily, very very easily won over by some words. Words he has yet to prove in action by more than..words. Only time will tell for sure but this relationship should be MUCH more even keeled. It shouldn't be only either very very very good or very very very bad. 2
Author LaFemmeBrille Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 Hoping2heal: I agree. But stubbornly hoping. Haha. I don't know how much of my negative emotions when writing the post slanted my descriptions of things. I was miserable because he was pulling so far away. But he was pulling away because of his doubts about our relationship's future. I'm hoping now that we've discussed our concerns that we are on the same page (he and I did discuss leveling out the relationship from the crazy train that it's been). I didn't threaten him or anything like that. No ultimatums. Just told him how I felt/my opinion and he rose to do the same. He and I are both happier after our heart-to-heart, and he wanted to see me tonorrow and made arrangements for a real date Saturday. Time will tell, my friend. Hahaha.
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