Ex doesnt want me yet wont let me go, frustrated for years, all the required

[malc]

Hi guys, I am really quite puzzled/frustrated, my head and mind have really been messed up for a long time now and I need all the advice I can get.

 

I dated a girl for 4 months about 3 years ago now. We met while I was working abroad, she was from country A, i was from country B and we met while both of us were working in country C. We both found we had a lot in common very quickly, and while our jobs in Country C were coming to an end, we did a massive tour of that place where we spent every moment together, physically, mentally and the whole lot.

 

Anyhow, commitments meant we left this unfinished and returned to our respective countries, which are one hour flight time apart of each other. It was assumed then that it was over, this really hit me hard, as I have never met a girl I had so much in common or loved to be with so much (I have had long relationships before, just did not have as much in common as with this girl), I even loved her dearly, a part of me still does. Anyhow, all the begging and screaming to be with her (more from me) did not matter, she made it clear it was over. We did not stay in contact for a year after that, until she decides to contact me.

 

Anyhow, naiveity got the better of me, I let her back into my life, she visited me, I visited her, we did not sleep together although I really wanted to but at the time was worried of scaring her off. We reminisced about old times during that tour, that we planned another trip for 2 weeks the following year (being last year). We got away during that trip, and all was going ok, until she dissappeared on me 3 times into that trip, and I found she was sleeping away with the tour guide. I found after the 2nd time thats what she had been doing, confronted her about it, and she lied to me, but went and did it a 3rd time. At that point, she got a message from him to visit her, and she said to me that she wanted to go, but wanted me in her life, so she wouldnt if I said no, but said she held me dearly, just not as a lover. There and then I laid my feelings out there on the line to her, but she knocked them back hard and fast.

 

Anyhow, the trip ended, we remained in very limited contact, and I have been trying to cut her lose, but she visited me out of the blue early this year without my prior knowledge of her arriving and she mentioned she had some friends living in my city of my country. We chatted, she mentioned she had started seeing someone, and I thought that would be that. She went home, and there has been very limited contact if any at all, but then she sends me a message, after those 6 months of limited to non contact saying she misses me and wants to go away with me again.

 

What does she want from me, if she can decide to sleep away while being on a vacation with me (clearly she doesnt care about my feelings and breaking my heart), how can she decide to come away with me when shes seeing someone and how can I move past this.

 

I would really love to get back into the dating scene and move on, but my ex is just playing with my head and emotions here.

[Philosoraptor]

Wait... how long have you been waiting around? It's obvious nothing long term will come of this. What you need to do is cut contact and move on. You are in control of whether or not you go back to the dating scene, and you're choosing to sit around and play these games.

[Empty Heart]

This makes me feel really sad....please tell me you didn't fund the trips together? If so, I hope she's not just using you for that reason. I know it's hard to move on but really, she sounds like a user and you sound like a nice guy who doesn't deserve to be used. I'm sure she's a nice girl, you get on like never before...all that stuff...but really, there is someone out there who is nicer and will treat you with the respect you deserve. I wouldn't give this girl the space to let you waste your life on waiting for her....I feel quite cross that she's done this to you (now I sound like your Mum ) but seriously. Give her a jolt and just say 'get lost'.

[Destromarch]

She is keeping you on the hook man. I hate to say it but I honestly can't see any other angle here. I usually hate people who just says "there is no chance, go NC and heal yourself" but in this case, that seems to be the only valid option. This seems beyond friendzone. She is taking you for granted and you are helping her with being available whenever she wants.

[Talulah]

I am in something similar now, except my ex in in country D and I am still in country C. We haven't spoken in 3 weeks. However, we are broken up, maybe we will meet up n a year or so to travel. But man oh man, these kinds of relationships are so difficult. I really really wish we had more time together, just to see where things could go, but life goes on.

 

In your case though, it's plain simple your ex wants attention. It might feel attractive to you because of the "potential' that this relationship might have in the future. Just cut off contact, she is using you. How dare she sleep with the tour guide! and what an ass is he, I would report him. Tell her that you never cared about her, to her face, Skype date.

[lula69]

It's a normal behavior with many women. Instinctively a large number of women constantly try to "trade up." Tour guide is more sexy than you, so off she goes with him. This same large number of women are also patent liars. They never confront themselves, just weasel through and to add insult to injury, she will loathe you and resent you. With her you are devaluing yourself to no end.

 

I know how it feels to love someone who doesn't love you back, and you want to be angry at her because you love her. But you need to realize in the end that you don't want her. You deserve a woman who loves you passionately. She is not the one. If she comes back to you now, for whatever mind trick you might use, she will likely do this again, and next time it will hurt you even more (and when she has real power over you, i.e., after marriage, and/or with your child, she will f*ck you over and destroy your life.)

 

Dump her. Immediately.

 

Then look at what you did wrong. Look at your neediness for women. Work on yourself, your boundaries. So that you don't pick up another one like this and so that you won't destroy or wear out the attraction and passion that may have been there in the beginning.

 

Even though it hurts, in the end, a loss now is small. You are still young and she can't f*ck you over. I know countless of men whose lives have been ruined by such women without a conscience. Do not for a moment believe you lost someone special. You escaped your doom.

 

Now go forth and heal, and work on your skills to avoid picking up another dooms-devil. Hugs.

 

PS: Oh yeah, she continues to contact you and use you for support. Don't allow it. Stand up for yourself. You don't want this. You don't need this. Tell her off. Go and tell her. And don't regret it afterwards. So think before you react. And really, it doesn't matter what you say, what matters is that you move on. Try some rebound flings if necessary so that she gets the message and stays away.

Edited July 30, 2013 by lula69

[lula69]

May be I was a little too reactive. Subtract anything that sounds like resentment and punishing her. You would only regret it. The Dump Her stuff ... move on for yourself. Be clear though to set boundaries so you actually can move on.

[malc]

Thanks Guys. Appreciate the advice here all the time.

 

Since that posting, I have tried to erase her from my memory and have not contacted her since. She however has sent me a follow up email asking me if we can arrange to meet up again and spend a few days with one another. I have not responded at all. I do not wish myself to become someones consolation prize however much I care for that person.

 

I have given it my best shot to move on and arranged and went out on a date last night with a girl that I like and know from friend of a friend, unfortunately, a danger topic came up - exs and I may have gone into overdrive with the criticism and unfortunately the date has not gone any further then just one date although I really liked the girl. This is going to be a bit of a hard slog for me, but I feel like I have wasted 3 years of my life and I need to make amends for it and I should never talk of exs during a date.