venusishername Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I have been casually seeing someone for about a month now. We've had at least 5-6 dates at this point. He has taken an active pursuit, and always reaches out to me every couple of days, even if just to say hello. I'm used to in the beginning seeing someone all the time, but we spend time together maybe once or twice a week at most. Due to previous experiences, I am extremely cautious and reserved about dating. I want to take it slow, and am not in a rush by any means to get involved seriously with someone. I can't help but be cynical due to my past, and tend to have a hard time believing someone could hold an interest in me. My cynicism comes in thinking most, if not all men just care about sleeping with me and making a conquest only to drop me when they lose interest. This has happened to me before. This particular man is surprising me with how caring he is and how genuinely interested he seems to be. We did briefly discuss our feelings about what our intentions were, and I feel we are on the same page which is nice. I enjoy being around him, we have great conversations and sex, and he's very polite and surprisingly thoughtful. It's really nice because I haven't had this in such a long time. I get excited thinking about seeing him, which is also something I haven't felt towards someone in a long time. Still, I can't help but think the worst, assuming he'll just grow tired of me when he finds someone new to pursue. Any tips for losing the cynicism and self-doubt so I don't sabotage this? I worry I might push him away subconsciously, because I've done that before too...
Philosoraptor Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Everyone should be treated as unique and given a clean slate. Just because someone else screwed you over doesn't mean it's fair to assume this one will do the same. That would be punishing someone for the actions of someone else. If things feel right, accept them as that. Overthinking will only cause gameplaying, mostly in your own mind. 1
jphcbpa Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Your ex does not live in this new guy. Just live in today, one day at a time. When you get into "the other shoe is going to drop" thinking, snap out of it and retrain/redirect your thoughts. The mind is a great servant, but a horrible master.
Author venusishername Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Not sure if it matters to mention this, but it wasn't a particular person (i.e. 'my ex') who caused this cynicism. He was genuinely in love with me and we had a long term relationship. I was the one who dumped him in the end. It's just been my general experience with men (with a few exceptions) that they are only REALLY interested until they get me in the sack a few times. My ex obviously didn't do that. So if it's not a particular person who did this to me, but a handful,(or just the way I think the majority of men view me, as a sex object) how can I change THAT mindset?? I don't want to be an ice queen and close myself off to love.
Phantom888 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I assume you guys are exclusive? If not, then maybe that's the reason. You feel insecure about a relationship that is not concrete. I mean, you have sex with someone, and not know if they would be sick of you in the near future? There should be some fundamental understanding before you get so intimate with someone. I think casual dating is the root of your insecurities.
Author venusishername Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 I assume you guys are exclusive? If not, then maybe that's the reason. You feel insecure about a relationship that is not concrete. I mean, you have sex with someone, and not know if they would be sick of you in the near future? There should be some fundamental understanding before you get so intimate with someone. I think casual dating is the root of your insecurities. No, we are not exclusive. I'm not seeing anyone else right now, but am not closing myself off to the possibility if it comes up. If I meet someone better, I will end it with this guy, same as anyone would do. Sure, I guess I feel insecure about a relationship that is not concrete...I guess the only thing concrete about it is that we like each other. I'm not of the belief that you need to establish rules or have a full on conversation about intentions before sex. That's just me, I know everyone is different. Things happen, you kind of learn about intentions as it develops. I think that is what's happening here...
aloneinaz Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I think its perfectly normal to have some anxieties when you first start dating someone new. I know I certainly do. For me, my guard is up as well. I'm very sensitive to any perceived game playing or other BS. I'm about 3 weeks with a new girl I like. She hasn't really played any games but sometimes I get impatient or worried that something bad is going to happen due to liking her. The "what ifs" kick in. Classic worrier tendencies. I think we're both simply worriers in general. My ex GF was a game playing, vindictive, grudge holder. She certainly left some scars on me. The challenge to is not throw new people in our lives in that same category as them. Give the enough rope to hang themselves as the say and try to quite the mind when the negative thoughts start running rampant! 1
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