free_in_chains Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Ok, so my boyfriend and I will have been together for 3 years come early August...We have a lot of issues. I would consider myself a "free spirit" and he is the complete opposite...Kind of a 19th century view on dating, and women in general...I mean, he's not terrible, just more conservative than average. We had amazing sex in the beginning of our relationship...Until I disclosed my past with 100% honesty...I mean, it's not like I have the worst past ever, but I do have a skeleton in the closet. But like I said, he's very conservative, so I kinda looked trashy in his eyes because I had more partners than he did...I guess this caused him to "keep a close eye" on me...Which is highly annoying for me because I feel like I'm walking on eggshells...I have never ever voluntarily cheated on anyone, and I always leave my phone where he can grab it and look at it. Its gotten better and he doesn't seem quite so suspicious all the time, but im still not allowed to go swimming, have guy friends (or any friends, for that matter) and even if I jokingly say that an actor is hot, he gets all stirred up and grumpy. Also, somewhere in there I stopping being attracted to him, and it's like I have to force myself to have sex with him...I hate it. It's like a job and I despise that I don't enjoy it. He was the first to suggest that I wasn't attracted to him, but I didn't think that was possible until I started reading LS forums...So I guess I'm not I also don't think I am capable of the love required for a lasting relationship. This is my longest relationship, and I tried to leave several times...But he always begs me to stay. I was never really attached to any of my partners, or in love with any of them, and this includes current SO. I have a 5 year old son, and even with his dad, I just ran away for no reason that probably wasn't fixable. I run away from everyone...It seems to be my coping mechanism, though a crappy one, no doubt. I just fall off the face of the earth. So, I know the obvious answer would be to just dump SO...But he has been in my son's life since he was 2...And since bio dad isn't in the picture, SO is (sort of) playing daddy. I also tell myself "if this relationship doesn't work out, then I am done dating because it's not worth it to bring people into my son's life and then take them away"...Maybe that's a cop out, I dunno. I could leave him and feel no remorse...heck I don't even think I would cry. I very rarely cry though. I even suggested that he cheat on me to even the field, and maybe I would have hysterical bonding...that would be sweet. Probably not though because the thought of him cheating doesn't stir me up very much I even bought him a (private) lap dance once at a strip club, lol. Anyways, I look forward to your replies. I have been reading LS forums, and you seem like a very insightful and open-minded bunch!!
Philosoraptor Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 So he judged you on your past, treated you poorly, and pushed you away? Of course you're not attracted to him anymore, you're walking on eggshells and not enjoying this relationship. Did you cheat on him? You say you never volulntarily cheated on anyone, so what does that mean? If it's before him then it doesn't matter. As long as you've been loyal to him he has no right to complain or judge you. Ditch this controlling man and find someone who actually brings happiness to your life. 1
jphcbpa Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 You have daddy/family of origin issues that need to be worked through. No man can fix you and you will never be "attached" or allow your walls to come fully down.
Author free_in_chains Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 I didn't cheat on him. It was a long time ago, I was drunk so I didn't necessarily consider it rape, tough definitely not consensual. But yeah, it was wayyyyy before him...
lovebug287 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I was in a very similar relationship earlier this year, it was erie to read your post because I felt like I was reading about my previous relationship. I was with a guy for three years as well-- I'm a free-spirited, loving, outgoing & friendly individual and not saying my ex wasn't a friendly person but he was really the exact opposite, sarcastic, conservative, jealous, controlling,etc. I don't have a child so I can only imagine how much harder it is for you to make a decision and go with it as you're not only uprooting your life but your sons as well. I say you need to spend some alone time and reflect on your life and what you really want out of it. It's too short to spend it with someone you aren't passionately in love with and quite frankly it isn't fair to him either. You both are wasting your youth on a loveless relationship. I'm not sure what resources you have at hand, but if you are able to stay at your parents or a friends, or even leave your son with your parents for a long weekend so you can clear your head I think that would be a good start. 1
jphcbpa Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I didn't cheat on him. It was a long time ago, I was drunk so I didn't necessarily consider it rape, tough definitely not consensual. But yeah, it was wayyyyy before him... You really need to take a look at this... 2
Author free_in_chains Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 I guess I need to look at my statement because anything that isn't concensual is rape? Or because I typed "tough" when I meant "though"? I have always heard my particular situation called "grey rape"... Very difficult with a child, Lovebug
Author free_in_chains Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 And I agree that we are both wasting our time...He wants the option to have kids and I don't want anymore. I won't even entertain the notion of having children with him. He is 31, so he's definitely in that "If I want kids I need to have them soon" stage.
ScreamingTrees Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 (edited) "You have daddy/family of origin issues that need to be worked through. No man can fix you and you will never be "attached" or allow your walls to come fully down." We really don't benefit from telling you this, if anything we're wasting a good 3 minutes of our life and with no idea of whether or not it's done any good. Also, my father had me when he was 50 (mother was 40), so I really don't believe that he necessarily has to be in a rush right now biologically to have children, I don't think that men work that way.. I've come out quite alright, no physical or mental deformities whatsoever. I have my own minor issues, but don't we all.. It certainly has nothing to do with the age in which my parents conceived of me.. And even if the issue was physical/biological, they have newer alternative options when it comes to conceiving of a child, should an older couple want to have children. ... At least, I've READ that there are other ways, I just forget what the process/procedure entailed or where I'd originally read it. If I was in such a position, I'm sure I'd re-discover those options through my own will. When there's a will, there's a way.. At least with most things in life. Edited July 25, 2013 by ScreamingTrees 1
jphcbpa Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I guess I need to look at my statement because anything that isn't concensual is rape? Or because I typed "tough" when I meant "though"? I have always heard my particular situation called "grey rape"... Your denial. You could not have picked a better username.
Author free_in_chains Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Your denial. You could not have picked a better username. I'm not gonna lie, and I kinda feel dumb...But I'm totally confused.
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