CloverField1227 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I'll be the first to admit that I do a lot of blaming in my relationship. We've broken up dozens of times and have just broke up against recently. She started breaking my trust early in the relationship and after that I became resentful. I started sleeping around behind her back and began calling her out on being a liar. I became extremely hypocritical and critical about her. I've caught her in some major lies and it's caused some resentful build up. Hopefully this break up is permanent because I can't keep living with my conscious like this. I just can't stop blaming her for my actions and I know I should. I lie to her about being faithful and making her sound like she's the worst one in the relationship after I got her confessing about cheating on me on a drunk night, and caught her talking to secretly to her ex everyday for the past 2 months. Before we were so happy and perfect together. I respected her so much as a friend but as a lover I despise her. She never keeps her word for anything she says. I've lost my feelings of love for her and have stayed because it was comfortable. Yet I sought to take revenge on her, and felt like she deserved to be lied to and cheated on. She's still thinks she did nothing wrong for talking to her ex and has since said she didn't cheat on me because she was drunk when she confessed. Her lies after lies have twisted who I am. Now I just want to be left alone. I told her I never want to see her or talk to her again. I told her I've lost my soul and consciousness being with her. Is the only possible way to start over as a human being who is faithful and trusting is to be with another person who is trustworthy and faithful? My personality is so shot these days.
CherryT Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 You should work on yourself and actually make it a point to not get into a relationship (don't even think about getting back with her) for a long time. Not that she's perfect and didn't do anything wrong... but you have a lot of things to work on in terms of your self esteem and security. You cheat and yet you can't trust someone else? A bit sociopathic... You can definitely start over, but it'll take a lot of work. Perhaps look into going to counselling and really dig deep to what the core issue is and why you act out like this. It usually stems from something that you don't really want to acknowledge. But once you start dealing with your own personal issues and fixing the things YOU do wrong and start taking accountability for your own actions instead of blaming someone else, that's when you'll really be free.
jphcbpa Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Not healthy. Be glad this R is over...it sounds extremely toxic for both of you. I suggest NC and move forward. You really need to take some time out for you before dating again. I bet your self esteem is shot too. Might be a good idea to seek some therapy if needed. Why did you stay with her when you discovered her cheating? She did not make you get revenge. People do not make us do anything, but you have blame shifted to take away the guilt. You asked... "Is the only possible way to start over as a human being who is faithful and trusting is to be with another person who is trustworthy and faithful?" Why would you not want to be with someone who is trustworthy and faithful. But again, all you can control is you and your actions. Become a better man and you will attact better women.
Author CloverField1227 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 (edited) You should work on yourself and actually make it a point to not get into a relationship (don't even think about getting back with her) for a long time. Not that she's perfect and didn't do anything wrong... but you have a lot of things to work on in terms of your self esteem and security. You cheat and yet you can't trust someone else? A bit sociopathic... You can definitely start over, but it'll take a lot of work. Perhaps look into going to counselling and really dig deep to what the core issue is and why you act out like this. It usually stems from something that you don't really want to acknowledge. But once you start dealing with your own personal issues and fixing the things YOU do wrong and start taking accountability for your own actions instead of blaming someone else, that's when you'll really be free. I don't know if it's sociopathic as much as it is narcissistic. I didn't want to come out on the short end of all this. I've never cheated on anyone in the past before even on a girl I dated just to see where things would go and had no intimate feelings for. I don't know why I lash out in such revenge and anger. The only the worse by my lies is that I'm so hypocritical about it. I always preached trust and honesty with her but this was before I started doing all this. I just felt like I had to continue keeping the image up but by now it's more to extract information from her and keeping myself on top. It's boundary breaking and it's catching up to me. It's a horrible feeling wanting trust from others but no longer able to keep that trust with yourself. I don't respect her so much because all I see is a woman who cheats and lies, and I wanted to come out on top in her games. It's deeply upsetting when the person you talk to lies straight to your face, and you can tell they are lying day in and day out with you. There's no way to catch them anymore now that they know your strategies and keep all their tracks covered. The only thing left is to take revenge or break it. Edited July 25, 2013 by CloverField1227
jphcbpa Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I don't know if it's sociopathic as much as it is narcissistic. I didn't want to come out on the short end of all this. I've never cheated on anyone in the past before even on a girl I dated just to see where things would go and had no intimate feelings for. I don't know why I lash out in such revenge and anger. The only the worse by my lies is that I'm so hypocritical about it. I always preached trust and honesty with her but this was before I started doing all this. I just felt like I had to continue keeping the image up but by now it's more to extract information from her and keeping myself on top. It's boundary breaking and it's catching up to me. It's a horrible feeling wanting trust from others but no longer able to keep that trust with yourself. I don't respect her so much because all I see is a woman who cheats and lies, and I wanted to come out on top in her games. This is not a game..it is your life and you are not happy. You are not good at this "game". In fact you suck at it because your core will not let you get away with it. This is a good sign. Follow your heart and do the next right thing.
Author CloverField1227 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Not healthy. Be glad this R is over...it sounds extremely toxic for both of you. I suggest NC and move forward. You really need to take some time out for you before dating again. I bet your self esteem is shot too. Might be a good idea to seek some therapy if needed. Why did you stay with her when you discovered her cheating? She did not make you get revenge. People do not make us do anything, but you have blame shifted to take away the guilt. You asked... "Is the only possible way to start over as a human being who is faithful and trusting is to be with another person who is trustworthy and faithful?" Why would you not want to be with someone who is trustworthy and faithful. But again, all you can control is you and your actions. Become a better man and you will attact better women. I wanted to believe that she didn't cheat. She recovered her lies by telling me another lie - she was drunk and makes up stories when she's drunk. I knew deep down in my heart that she cheated on me, but it was more painful letting her go. I was all but ready to let her go that week, but she talked her way back into my life. I gave her ultimatums to follow if she wanted my trust again and she promised she would follow them all but in the end she all but failed it. Not cheating on me was the biggest no brainer ultimatum, but if she couldn't keep the little promises I know she wasn't capable of the biggest one.
jphcbpa Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I wanted to believe that she didn't cheat. She recovered her lies by telling me another lie - she was drunk and makes up stories when she's drunk. I knew deep down in my heart that she cheated on me, but it was more painful letting her go. I was all but ready to let her go that week, but she talked her way back into my life. I gave her ultimatums to follow if she wanted my trust again and she promised she would follow them all but in the end she all but failed it. Not cheating on me was the biggest no brainer ultimatum, but if she couldn't keep the little promises I know she wasn't capable of the biggest one. This is not about her. Keep the focus on you. She cheated, you allowed her back in your life. You revenge cheated.
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