Lovelikecrazy Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 My husband and I grew up together. First loves and all the mushy stuff that comes with it. Married young, had kids young... I really dont know how i found myself here or when we really grew apart. In the beginning we were so in love. The first few years of marriage was great but it slowly all changed. We became more like roommates coexsisting. Each doing our own things, rarely talking, rarely being physical. I felt he thought he married to young. It seemed he wasnt a family kind of guy. He threw himself into his work. After work going out for drinks with friends to destress. Busy in all his free time putting his energy into a band he has on the side. Meanwhile i worked, and did everything with and for the kids. I felt like a single mom. I was the one always bringing our problems up to him. He never said much at all. Very closed up. He denied having an affair. When asked if he still wanted to be married he would reply of coarse. His actions and the vibe he put off never reflected this. He had changed. We rarely even touched. I only see him smile and light up around his friends. If i asked him if he was still attracted to me hed say of coarse. Never freely complimented me or flirted with me. I was so hurt and he thought i was over reacting and we were fine. We were not fine we were coexsisting and the kids noticed. We never fought. He became a man of few words and if he said anything he said he was just stressed. I was so lonely. I tried for years to fix our problems. He didnt put any energy or passion into fixing anything. He got his own seperate checking and closed our joint checking without talking to me. Shocked me and hurt me. Never really explained why. He keeps his phone locked. I knew from fb he had lots of female friends but other than a feeling i couldnt accuse him of having an affair so i never did. After 8 yrs of marriage i said i wanted a divorce. He didnt take me seriously. He said its not what i want but if you go im getting custody of our children. Omg the hurt i felt. Afterall im a terrific mom and the one who does everything for them. He makes way more money than me as i only work part time. Well, anyways i met another guy during this time while still living with my husband but talking about a divorce. I told this guy the whole truth and he was very understanding. He was under the impression i was out soon as i could afford to go. At first he was just a listening ear but then i fell in love. He complimented me daily, always wanted to hang with me when he wasnt working, me was so much fun and so thoughtful. Everything i wanted my husband to be. I honestly felt i met this guy at the wrong time in my life. We cliqued. It just works.... Except im married. Its been a yr n a half. I told my husband about the affair. Im sure he was hurt but he showed no emotion. He said well i still wanna be married. I thought how could he look past that maybe he really loves me. I felt so bad i was hurting them both and neither of them deserves that. So i recently cut the other guy loose. His biggest fear but he took it well. And we have rarely talked since. But it hurts bad. I miss my best friend. Nothing has changed here. Its still casual. I want it to be dif but i cant make it dif. That passion and exciting love is long gone. My affair relit a fire inside me and was a reminder of what love should be like. Easy, happy, passionate... I deeply love and care for my husband but my marriage isnt a reflection of what love should be like. I know ive sinned and i hurt badly over this. I dont know what to do. I miss the other guy, but i dont wanna ruin my kids lives by being selfish exspecially when im the only one who wants a divorce. I dont have anyone to talk to.
Philosoraptor Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 You have two choices here. Either find a way to get the connection you had with the new guy with your husband, or follow through with the divorce and be with the new guy. Straying from your marriage was wrong (at least you came clean), but don't make the choice to spend the rest of your life miserable either. Fix your marriage or end it, but no one will be happy living in a stagnant state. 2
CherryT Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Firstly, I don't think a divorce would ruin your kids lives. I think the damage has most likely been done, by the fact that they've watched you both act the way you do around each other. They've learned that love and marriage is not about communicating and is about coexisting. What leaving and filing separation papers might teach your kids is that: Love isn't always enough. It is important that you communicate and work with the person you are with. If your husband doesn't want a divorce and you think there's a chance of saving it, why don't you offer to go to therapy or counselling? If not, then you have to not let him just shut down and walk away. You need to tell him that you're unhappy and unless you both can work together to fix this, that you would be looking into talking to a lawyer to separate. 1
drifter777 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Would you rather your children think of you as a cheating wife or a mom who chose to pursue a more satisfying life for everyone? File for divorce. The financial thing shouldn't be much concern as he will be paying child and spousal support. If you stay in your current situation you are simply getting what you ask for - what you deserve. 1
2sunny Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Get a full time job and support yourself. File for divorce since your heart isn't in the M. His isn't either. Change everything... Change brings hope. 1
Eggplant Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I suspect your husband is having affairs. Why would he lock up his social media and have a separate account? Clearly so that he can talk to and spend money on mistresses. 1
Betterthanthis13 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Firstly, I don't think a divorce would ruin your kids lives. I think the damage has most likely been done, by the fact that they've watched you both act the way you do around each other. They've learned that love and marriage is not about communicating and is about coexisting. What leaving and filing separation papers might teach your kids is that: Love isn't always enough. It is important that you communicate and work with the person you are with. If your husband doesn't want a divorce and you think there's a chance of saving it, why don't you offer to go to therapy or counselling? If not, then you have to not let him just shut down and walk away. You need to tell him that you're unhappy and unless you both can work together to fix this, that you would be looking into talking to a lawyer to separate. The third option is an open marriage. If you want to call yourselves friends and roommates and child- raising partners, and can be honest with each other that might be an option in this case. Whatever you decide you want to do, it sounds like you are going to have to be the one to make things happen. If you choose to reconcile, throw your whole heart into it and give it 200% effort. I would not usually recommend the open marriage course of action as an option to a WS, but unless you are grossly misjudging his reaction, it seems like he just wants to settle back into a roommate routine, and that's clearly not what you want. So take some time and figure out what direction you want to take, and make it happen. Reconcile, open arrangement or divorce- if you don't put the effort in to change the situation, it sounds like he checked out of the marriage ages ago and is satisfied with just having a comfortable routine and nothing more. I get the feeling he has had an affair too based on what you said. (Phone locksd, secretive about Facebook etc) But i could be togally wrong. Is his health ok? Testosterone levels? Maybe the open thing is what he wants too and just doesn't want to risk talking to you about it because its such a taboo idea or something. Have you been to MC or IC?
Chi townD Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Is it just me or has this kind of been the same situation in a couple of threads here already. Okay.... You made a choice to dump your affair partner to work on your marriage. Well, you can't work on the marriage if you're still in communication with the OM. Not going to work at all. In your first paragraph you talk about losing the spark, becoming roommates, poor communicate....blah...blah.... Well, I can only tell you one thing.....Welcome to marriage! All everything you wrote is all easy fixes and not a strong enough argument to cheat. All marriage start out in the honeymoon phase. And, unfortunately, that phase dies out. You lose the butterflies in your stomach. You lose the excitement about seeing him. This happens to most if not ALL marriages. BUT! doesn't mean that you still don't love each other. Couples have to always work on their marriages. The dynamic of the marriage changes and the people have to change along with it. If they don't, then problems like this occur. You stated that you brought up all this stuff to your husband and he basically gave you the brush off. I have a feeling that it was all about YOU telling HIM what you need to see changed. Like everything is his vault that you're not happy. So, basically, he probably took it as you're just bitching at him. I speculate that you've NEVER really had a heart to heart talk with him. A just hit in the head with a 2x4 conversation. I don't think you ever said, "LOOK! I'M NOT HAPPY! I really think that we need couples counseling, I love you and I don't want to lose you but if WE can't fix this, then I need to leave." That's a frickin wake up call. If you want your family and you want to reconnect with your husband two things need to happen, you need to completely cut ties with the OM and number two, the both of you need couples counseling now more than ever. You also need to do your homework and find one that specializes in infidelity. Don't look for your average run of the mill counselor. They switch your cheating on him and make it his fault. "She cheated on you because you didn't do this, that or the other." And your cheating wasn't his fault. He didn't ask for it and he didn't deserve it. That was your choice to cheat not his. Now, you said that you KNOW he's hurting, but he's not showing it. Well, that's bad. Right now, he's a pressure cooker and sooner or later, he's going to explode. So, be ready for that day.
drifter777 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 The third option is an open marriage. If you want to call yourselves friends and roommates and child- raising partners, and can be honest with each other that might be an option in this case. I agree with this. If your H doesn't go for it then file for divorce. This may change his mind and let you have your outside man and you can then stop the divorce proceedings. I don't remember ever offering this advice but this is one case where I think being open about your affair might be the best course of action.
janedoe67 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 There is no way to concentrate on your BS as long as there is any communication with the OM. If you even think you want your marriage, the first step is to cut off EVERY type of communication with the OM forever. Yes, you lose a friend. Actions have consequences.
Author Lovelikecrazy Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 I suspect your husband is having affairs. Why would he lock up his social media and have a separate account? Clearly so that he can talk to and spend money on mistresses. It's def wierd behavior that is unsettling for me. Privacy is ok but i feel he has something to hide. Im not allowed to see his phone if i ask him, nor his bank statements etc. Really eats away at me.
maxposte Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 I agree with Cherry T...divorce is hard on children, but so is growing up with parents who no longer love each other. Kids can sense a lack of love between parents. I think that you did the right thing ending things with the OM for a while, so that your realization that you were no longer in love with your husband was not because of your being swept up in the affair. You sound like you have thought about this for quite some time, and gave your marriage the fighting chance that your husband deserves. Now it may be time to move on for all of your sakes. I believe in giving things a good solid chance, but I also understand that after that work has been done, it is sometimes best to step away. I wish you luck! 1
Artie Lang Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 My affair relit a fire inside me and was a reminder of what love should be like. Easy, happy, passionate... this is part of the fantasy of an affair. in an affair your only responsibility is to lose yourself within it. it's a diversion from the real world- LA LA LAND. a true, honest, and REAL relationship has it's ups & downs.
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