lovebug287 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Okay, I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible ; emphasize the word try To sum everything up, I've been dating this guy for a little over three months. One morning I was walking to Target (I live in a city) and we walked past each other, he tapped my shoulder and told me he thought I was cute and would love to have coffee with me one day. Long story short, two days later my older sister passed away tragically, I had to go home for two weeks to deal with the aftermath. When I returned, we picked up where we left off. Honestly, I never had so much fun with a person, we have a ton in common, he makes me laugh, we feel comfortable with each other, we're honest & open, and I tried my best to take things slow. After about a month of seeing each other 2-3 times a week, we finally did the deed--and it was mind blowing, and I felt like we connected on a whole new level. He planned every date and while on a date he would always plan the next, he texts me every morning and we love sharing silly things like photos on Imgur, our favorite quotes, and just our overall views on life and love. Everything was so swell until the other night (Tuesday night), he took me out to this amazing sushi restaurant, and it was all very romantic. Now I should disclose the one thing I really do love about this guy is how sentimental he is, for instance on Monday he sent me a Snapchat of where we had our first kiss. He does little things like that from time to time. So after our dinner date, we go back to his apartment, we drink wine, have sex laid around & talked for hours until I realized how late it got I had to run home and take my dog out. As I was getting myself dressed, he proceeds to tell me "I have something to tell you and you may find it very weird" I started to feel butterflies in my stomach... he goes on to talk about how people remember things, like reciting them, or writing them down. He said he likes to remember things by touch or having something tangible to look back on and remember someone. I'm like okay go on... so he's taking his jacket off his coat hangar and says "I want you to sign your name on my coat hangar, I have had people in the past (other women) do this and it's just a nice way of remembering you when I take my jacket" I was completely thrown off guard and felt insulted. I jokingly said if he had a nightstand he might as well carve a notch in it. I almost felt like he was signing me off in a way. I think to myself, I'm already a memory to you and we're still dating?" I tried to reason with it, trying to see it as something sweet but the fact that he may have other hangars in there with other women's names just does not sit well with me. Its so odd I know, I have never ever had such an odd request while dating someone. I don't know how to take this as, is it a red flag? I feel compelled to tell him how it made me feel, because I told him at the time I didn't feel comfortable signing my name. I left and he insisted on walking me home so I let him, I think he could tell I was upset, and he kept trying to cheer me up but I was so... I don't know disappointed, I felt like calling it off. I don't know if I'm overreacting or reading way too much into it. I need advice, thoughts, suggestions or I would like to know what you would have done in this situation. It would be really appreciated. And on another note, this happened Tuesday night I haven't heard from him since, which is unusual, I'm not sure if I should reach out to him to see him and explain to him my thoughts and feelings on the matter. Le sigh.
Mr.Mango Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Yeah, that's a pretty weird request. I'm assuming you guys are exclusive right? It might have been OK had he wanted something small and personal from you as a little reminder. Tons of couples will gift each other little things as little reminders. Totally normal. What's weird here is how he wants to add you to a system that involves his past relationship history. It almost sounds like a trophy collection in some way. I wouldn't let that ruin the relationship completely. He might not have thought about what he was asking and how it would affect you. Maybe he really did just want a small reminder. In any case I think it's fair to say he screwed up, and you probably reacted accordingly. It's not a red-flag unless this sort of behavior continues. Just express to him how it made you feel and talk it out, should be fine. People make mistakes in relationships all the time, hopefully this was just one of those. 7
white Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 It's a bit weird. The way you described it though makes it sound like he just wants to see your name when he gets dressed. I'm having a hard time casting it in a bad light. So he's had previous girlfriends do it. Big deal. Names on coathangers isn't a conquest filing system. 3
Author lovebug287 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Thanks for your feedback, I really appreciate it.
twinkie0 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 What is weird is not so much the fact that he wanted to do that, but the fact that he asked you. You may be overreacting a little but it's als operfectly understandable that you would feel insulted. It may be just some cool way to remember you by, but the fact that he's done that with other women could be like some sort of "checklist" guys tend to have. It's usually not a sign in a coathanger, but with other stuff. It's hard to explain, but it's basically some sort of memoir to remind himself he scored with you, which boosts a guy's ego. It's weird. The only way you can know is to tell him. Get him to explain what the coat hanger thing is about. 1
Maleficent Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Well the weird part is that you haven't heard from him since... Unless you told him off Tuesday in which case he could just be insulted.. 1
aloneinaz Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Sorry, I think your instinct was correct. That's odd. Why sign a hanger? If he wants something as a keep sake, I'd assume you've given him a card or something with your writing on it? It does sound kind of like a trophy or notch on the bed post thing to me as well.. Maybe he was done with you and wanted you to sign that before you left that night? Either way, ODD.. especially since you haven't heard from him since either. 3
clia Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 This is so weird that I'm speechless. Does he have a closet full of hangers with women's names on them? 7
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Yeah I'd be poking my head in his closet the next time around If I were you, you might find an assortment of weird trophy hangers or maybe they're in a secret box...either way, I've seen guys do weird things to keep a tally of the women they've swooned/slept with, depends on the guy. 3
Phantom888 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Im curious to know where he puts all of his coat hangers. Look in his closet and see if every jacket hanger has a name attached. This is not the type of sentimental behavior a new partner wants. I mean, you dont want him thinking about past women when he's with you. If I were a girl, I'd be pissed too! 1
Author lovebug287 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Well the weird part is that you haven't heard from him since... Unless you told him off Tuesday in which case he could just be insulted.. That's the thing I didn't tell him off, I mean I think he got the gist that I wasn't too pleased. He offered to walk me home and when he did he was acting very affectionate and sweet. As we approached my apartment building he asked if we could have a coffee date before the weekend since I have family flying in to visit and I wouldn't be around. Still no word, I hate to always jump/assume the worse case scenario but it is unusual. Not sure if I should initiate contact or leave it be until I hear from him.
Author lovebug287 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Im curious to know where he puts all of his coat hangers. Look in his closet and see if every jacket hanger has a name attached. This is not the type of sentimental behavior a new partner wants. I mean, you dont want him thinking about past women when he's with you. If I were a girl, I'd be pissed too! That's my issue right there, if I have another opportunity to see his closet I may take a gander or be up front and ask. It's just unsettling with the thought that he may have other hangars in there with other names, I don't want to be with someone who is constantly reminded of his other lovers or whatever they were.
Author lovebug287 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 This is so weird that I'm speechless. Does he have a closet full of hangers with women's names on them? I'm not sure, he implied other women have done it but I have no idea if they are still hanging in there. The other weird thing is in his kitchen he has a basket full of "memories" which some of the items consist of women's bracelets, and other items like tickets and misc. crap. I failed to mention this in my original post but seeing that left me feeling unwell.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I'm not sure, he implied other women have done it but I have no idea if they are still hanging in there. The other weird thing is in his kitchen he has a basket full of "memories" which some of the items consist of women's bracelets, and other items like tickets and misc. crap. I failed to mention this in my original post but seeing that left me feeling unwell. Guys full of shet or a co-dependent weirdo, that's freakin loose marbles for me. You're definitely another rung on the latter, guys just clingy/wannabe-casanova...worked on you though so you got to give him some credit for his game. 2
Author lovebug287 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Sorry, I think your instinct was correct. That's odd. Why sign a hanger? If he wants something as a keep sake, I'd assume you've given him a card or something with your writing on it? It does sound kind of like a trophy or notch on the bed post thing to me as well.. Maybe he was done with you and wanted you to sign that before you left that night? Either way, ODD.. especially since you haven't heard from him since either. Well thats the thing, and this is what I told another member who said something similar... he insisted on walking me home that night and as we were walking he would stop suddenly and grab me and kiss me, giving me a piggy back ride, or just being overly affectionate. As we got to my place he asked me if I wanted to have coffee with him before the weekend since I had family flying in and I wouldn't be available. I said sure, thinking it would be a good opportunity to let my jets cool a bit and talk about how I felt that night. Still no word, like I said before not sure if I should initiate contact or leave him be until he reaches out.
white Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Are you all serious? Am I being trolled? You think he has a rack of coathangers with names on that he can rifle through to remind himself of past lovers? Did someone switch the forum to bizarro mode? Even if he does have a rack of coathangers with names on, what's your point here - do you believe men forget names? That as long as you supervise and nose around to make sure they aren't written down, he won't remember any old girlfriends while he's with you? If the guy whips his goddamn coathangers out while you're shagging and starts fondling them and calling out the names, then maybe you have a problem. Until then you're looking at nothing but a reminder he had past relationships, and getting over that is Maturity 101, you should all know by now. Man has a sentimental streak and you all want to hang him. God help you. He probably hasn't contacted you because he's ****ing mortified at your reaction and wracked with self doubt over bugger all, an eccentricity. You should be calling him and promising to sign a dozen coathangers.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Why don't you talk to him about it? If I got dumped every time I said or did something weird... well, I would have been dumped 10,000 times by now
Star Gazer Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 The way he approached you on the street and then did this "notch-like" behavior together doesn't sit well with me. I also imagine you're in a vulnerable emotional state having suddenly lost your sister, and more inclined to get attached to someone being sweet to (aka playing) you. I'm sorry for your loss. 1
Author lovebug287 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 The way he approached you on the street and then did this "notch-like" behavior together doesn't sit well with me. I also imagine you're in a vulnerable emotional state having suddenly lost your sister, and more inclined to get attached to someone being sweet to (aka playing) you. I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for your kind words 1
Sidz Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Yeah, it's weird; makes you blend in with his past paramours instead of making you "now" and special. It may be due to a strong sense of romanticism that you have to celebrate and forgive him the excesses if you want him. It may be that he's kind of narcissistic and melodramatic and he's cementing this romantic scene while just kind of adding you to his paramours. I think you're in better shape if you don't contact him, and give him another chance by talking it out when he contacts you if you think he's worth it. 1
Author lovebug287 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Why don't you talk to him about it? If I got dumped every time I said or did something weird... well, I would have been dumped 10,000 times by now I am planning to talk to him. Throughout the past three months we both have shared a lot of "weird" things about each other and said a ridiculous amount of weird things that could have warranted the "talk", but we seem to embrace each other for our eccentricities. I'm a very loving and open minded person but I brought this situation to this forum because of how the whole situation it made me feel... not that he's not allowed to have weird quirks or habits but the fact that I felt I don't know how to put other than disrespected in a sense.
serial muse Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I agree that to me, the coat hanger thing is weird, and I'd have had the same "so I'm a notch on a bedpost?" reaction. I guess people do weird things but honestly I've never understood the need to keep a running tally of past lovers. I had an exBF who did this - kept a list of the names of everyone he'd ever slept with. I thought that was a bit odd, too. What, really, is the point? Are you really going to forget them? Do you like to just count them off? Are you going to pull out the list from time to time and just reminisce fondly? Are you afraid of going senile? Why are they numbered?? Meh. 1
twinkie0 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Well thats the thing, and this is what I told another member who said something similar... he insisted on walking me home that night and as we were walking he would stop suddenly and grab me and kiss me, giving me a piggy back ride, or just being overly affectionate. As we got to my place he asked me if I wanted to have coffee with him before the weekend since I had family flying in and I wouldn't be available. I said sure, thinking it would be a good opportunity to let my jets cool a bit and talk about how I felt that night. Still no word, like I said before not sure if I should initiate contact or leave him be until he reaches out. piggy back rides are overly affectiontate? :/ Damn, I'll keep that in mind haha If you care about your relationship then for the love of God don't play this tug-o-war of "let him contact me first". That should only be done when you realize it's you contacting him all the time, which is an entirely different issue. Leave pride out of this, it's no good. Talk to him and get together to sort things out. Not comunicating leads to all sorts of bad things, trust me.
Author lovebug287 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 piggy back rides are overly affectiontate? :/ Damn, I'll keep that in mind haha If you care about your relationship then for the love of God don't play this tug-o-war of "let him contact me first". That should only be done when you realize it's you contacting him all the time, which is an entirely different issue. Leave pride out of this, it's no good. Talk to him and get together to sort things out. Not comunicating leads to all sorts of bad things, trust me. Haha I suppose we all have different interpretations of what defines affection :0) I sincerely appreciate your feedback and honesty. I think you are right, I shouldn't play games and set aside my doubts. Thanks a lot Twinkie
The Way I Am Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 That is unusual. It could be a "notch" thing or it could be just that he likes to think of you when he gets his coat in the morning and clumsily added the part about other girls. I definitely would have been a little weirded out by it. But I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and talk about it. Go in with an open mind and let him know that the way he explained it made you feel like an object in a collection, and you'd like some reassurance that that not what's going on. If the conversation goes well, maybe suggest an alternative, like you'll give him a picture or you'll take a picture together that he can put next to where he hangs his coat. That way he has something to think about you, and you don't get caught up in the idea that you're a notch. If he reacts badly and gets defensive during the conversation, run far, far away. And yes, you should call/text him. He might be embarrassed about it and not sure what to do. He reached out to you about having coffee. You can meet him half way by asking "Hey, how about we get that coffee tomorrow after work?" or something.
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