Confusion_Reigns Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 This time it’s with my friend (OM) and myself. I’ve tried to walk away and have failed. I don’t know what I’m doing in this regard. I don’t understand myself. I’m not a person who gets wrapped up in things like this and yet here I am wrapped up in this…feeling…and as much as I don’t want to be or as hard as I am trying to fight this…I’m still *letting* myself get wrapped up in…him….his smile, his words, his laughter….on the one had it terrifies me and on the other hand it’s like coming alive…like waking up… When I decide to not text him again he ends up texting me.When I decide I don’t want to see him again…somehow we end up in the same place at the same time and we talk, visit, laugh…and it just feels good. I enjoy his company. I enjoy talking to him and hearing his stories…sharing my stories…we have an unbelievably parallel life…so many similarities that I never, ever, thought I’d know another person with similar experience. It truly amazes me. …I’m just sending this out there to get it out of me… 1
hippetyhop Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Simple solution--don't respond back. AP have the same connection as you do. Do you know how hard it is not to call him and tell him a funny story or something that is on mind? Do you know how it is not to want to know how his day went? It is excruciating NOT doing so. Although I'm day 11 and it gets easier and I'm doing a lot better than I thought, I still want to do all of these. If I give in, what will it accomplish? Back to round 1. 2
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 I guess that's the problem...I don't really want to not talk to him...so even though I'm fighting with myself I'm not *really* fighting all that hard. But I still don't understand myself...don't understand why or how I could be in this spot where I find myself now. Who is THIS woman?!? 1
Pierre Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Who is THIS woman?!? An addict, you are addicted. If you had a special brain scan it would look similar to the brain of a coke addict. And what do addicts do to get their fix? Some even steal money from grandma, that how bad it gets. They lose a sense of dignity. 3
hippetyhop Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 An addict, you are addicted. If you had a special brain scan it would look similar to the brain of a coke addict. And what do addicts do to get their fix? Some even steal money from grandma, that how bad it gets. They lose a sense of dignity. To add to this--it is like a drug as drugs make you feel good. I bet you MM made you feel remarkable. He gave you a sense of being. He complimented you, flattered you, etc. I bet you think you can't find anyone like him. I still question everyday if I will, but I know I will.
Pierre Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 To add to this--it is like a drug as drugs make you feel good. I bet you MM made you feel remarkable. He gave you a sense of being. He complimented you, flattered you, etc. I bet you think you can't find anyone like him. I still question everyday if I will, but I know I will. There is no single man that can do what this guy does. Cheating MM know the ropes way better than non cheating single guys.
hippetyhop Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 There is no single man that can do what this guy does. Cheating MM know the ropes way better than non cheating single guys. Without a doubt. The term "MM" should stand for "Married Man" and "Master Manipulator". Not only do they know what to say, but how to say it, and how to have the OW follow their directions (only call between these hours, I can only see you then, etc.). In my eyes, single guys are learning the ropes as they are back in the playing field; regardless of being recently D, end of R, etc. MM have been in the game many innings and know how to play the field. 1
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Unfortunately I understand real addition from first-hand experience. It was hard to break it but I did without professional help. This isn’t like that. See, I know that I could stop if I truly wanted to…but deep down inside I don’t truly want to stop. He is the reason why I don’t want to stop. I enjoy his company. There’ve been other guys who want my company but I haven’t wanted their company. He’s the single one, I’m the married one.
Pierre Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Unfortunately I understand real addition from first-hand experience. It was hard to break it but I did without professional help. This isn’t like that. See, I know that I could stop if I truly wanted to…but deep down inside I don’t truly want to stop. He is the reason why I don’t want to stop. I enjoy his company. There’ve been other guys who want my company but I haven’t wanted their company. He’s the single one, I’m the married one. Folks with addictive personalities are more prone to EMRs and fall real hard. It is part of the package. I have never seen an actively drinking alcoholic that admits there is a problem. They always say they can handles it. Of course you enjoy it, that is why you sound you addicted. Love is a major addiction.
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Well, I must not be a typical additive personality then, according to you, as I've not ever had an EMA nor desired to have one. When I was drinking I knew it was a problem and that's why I stopped...and "love" is a very strong word that I do not use lightly...and have not uttered that word to him nor will I unless I truly mean it.....but now you got me thinking on that....
Pierre Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Well, I must not be a typical additive personality then, according to you, as I've not ever had an EMA nor desired to have one. When I was drinking I knew it was a problem and that's why I stopped...and "love" is a very strong word that I do not use lightly...and have not uttered that word to him nor will I unless I truly mean it.....but now you got me thinking on that.... Love is just a change in brain biochemistry to trick humans into mating. IN that manner the species is preserved. You are in love, but this is the bio chemistry love. The MM is also in love with you, same mechanism. You give him quite a high because you respond positively to his words. The two of you provide an enormous high to each other. The validation is very high and truly addictive. Back to love: Real love is accompanied by commitment.
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 ...and? Yes, I understand the highs/lows of love both new and old love (or mature love). I understand commitment, too. and that real love is a choice...an everyday choice to be committed. What I don't understand, not really...is when is it ok to walk away from that commitment? What makes it ok? Why does that mature love break down...and how much dysfunction is too much dysfunction? When is enough, enough? but that's not a discussion for this board....I offered you once before to discuss these particular things with me on the Marriage board rather than here. I'm still willing to if you're so inclined. Here, on this board, I just wanted to say this to someone...to other living beings...these feelings I have inside of me...as I have no one in real life to share this with.
Pierre Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 ...and? Yes, I understand the highs/lows of love both new and old love (or mature love). I understand commitment, too. and that real love is a choice...an everyday choice to be committed. What I don't understand, not really...is when is it ok to walk away from that commitment? What makes it ok? Why does that mature love break down...and how much dysfunction is too much dysfunction? When is enough, enough? It all has to do with finding a mate that meets your emotional needs. Some couples complement each other exceptionally well regarding emotional needs and they remain in love forever. If your mate does not meet your needs you eventually fall out of love, that is well known. At this point love breaks down and the injured person has all the right to walk away. Dysfunction: If a person expects the other spouse to make them happy 24/7 they are mistaken and there will be dysfunction. This person may end up cheating. IN summary, successful couples are made of individuals that are happy on their own. The spouse is just frosting on the cake. Cheaters: No spouse in the planet can meet the expectations of a cheater. A cheater only craves the highs of new love and lacks commitment. Great biochemical love is the only thing they know. The commitment side of love is unknown to them. Insecure cheater: Needs to be stroked by sexual conquests to feel validated. Finds an insecure person that is receptive to his or her words. IN this instance this is a partnership made in heaven because they validate each other endlessly. Cheater cannot accomplish this with the wife. She knows everything about him and he cannot fake greatness. Here, on this board, I just wanted to say this to someone...to other living beings...these feelings I have inside of me...as I have no one in real life to share this with. It is a wonderful feeling, it is a great high. But when trying to get this feeling within an EMR there is often severe pain. The most severe pain you ever had in your life. 1
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Dysfunction: If a person expects the other spouse to make them happy 24/7 they are mistaken and there will be dysfunction. This person may end up cheating. IN summary, successful couples are made of individuals that are happy on their own. The spouse is just frosting on the cake. and... Cheaters: No spouse in the planet can meet the expectations of a cheater. A cheater only craves the highs of new love and lacks commitment. Great biochemical love is the only thing they know. The commitment side of love is unknown to them. and... Insecure cheater: Needs to be stroked by sexual conquests to feel validated. Finds an insecure person that is receptive to his or her words. IN this instance this is a partnership made in heaven because they validate each other endlessly. Cheater cannot accomplish this with the wife. She knows everything about him and he cannot fake greatness. all sound like my husband. He has had at least two PAs and one EMA that I know of....I'm fairly sure there have been ONS as well that I could never prove...He wants me to be his everything...and expects me to make him happy...in fact he says that he doesn't need anyone or anything else but me in his life by his side...in the ways he wants me to be there...for him to be happy. Now, that is a lot of pressure on me. I do believe I am crumbling under the weight of it. My friend...he just likes to spend time with me, to talk and laugh...and discuss things that are important to us (not each other but just all sorts of things)...it is so nice to be valued for nothing other than who I am....and to not have that weight of expectation on my back.
Pierre Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 My friend...he just likes to spend time with me, to talk and laugh...and discuss things that are important to us (not each other but just all sorts of things)...it is so nice to be valued for nothing other than who I am....and to not have that weight of expectation on my back. I hear you. No one can make another person happy 24/7 and hence he has affairs. In turn, the behavior of your H has markedly diminished your love for him. And as you said above you found a man that: .it is so nice to be valued for nothing other than who I am.. Yes, he validates you. And you validate him. As I said this is a match made in heaven. And you are in love. Folks with addictive personalities fall in love with whomever heavily validates them. If you sleep with him you will be doomed. Furthermore, this guy is not rushing you. No need to rush things, he is married and can enjoy the chase for ever. No different than you--------------you are married and can enjoy the courting for as long as it takes. Note how AP partners sometimes have EAs for years before having sex. This is not the norm in open relationships among single people. The courting of EMRs is extremely romantic and the build up is off the charts.:love:
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 I wonder, is it so wrong to fall out of love with one man and fall in love with another? If you sleep with him you will be doomed. I completely agree with this statement. I have no intention of sleeping with him unless he and I are in an open relationship...ie, if I become single and he wants to date. (He is not married. He is divorced.)
Pierre Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I wonder, is it so wrong to fall out of love with one man and fall in love with another? Nothing wrong with that. Happens all the time because of the reasons i described above. I completely agree with this statement. I have no intention of sleeping with him unless he and I are in an open relationship...ie, if I become single and he wants to date. (He is not married. He is divorced.) A single romantic OM! Those are a different breed. Why does he think courting a married woman is a good plan? I don't blame you, but I fail to see why he picked you. Unless!!!!!!!!!!!! You are much more receptive (and good looking too:love:) than the available single women. I look at this from my own point of view. As a single man I would stay away from married because there is no future there. BTW, when I was married to my first wife I had many EAs with MOWs, but to me it was mild cake eating, nothing serious. But, as a single guy I would not go there. What's up with this guy?
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 (edited) Yes. He is amazing...he is an amazing man to know and I am so thankful that he is in my life. I don't know what the future holds, for either one of us, but I do know that right now our friendship is beautiful. ADDING: I wouldn't say I'm beautiful, I'm ok. I'm a 40 yo mother of two, with all that goes along with that. I think we have a connection that neither of us has experienced before. Getting to know each other...innocently enough at first...and trying to keep it innocent now (don't want to cross that particular line...and not knowing if it truly matters in the long run...) it really is an amazing experience to *know* someone like this. Honestly, I don't think he's 'courting' me what I think is that we just have a very good friendship that is deepening into something else. Good or bad? idk yet. Edited July 25, 2013 by Confusion_Reigns
Pierre Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I think we have a connection that neither of us has experienced before. Getting to know each other...innocently enough at first...and trying to keep it innocent now (don't want to cross that particular line...and not knowing if it truly matters in the long run...) it really is an amazing experience to *know* someone like this. Honestly, I don't think he's 'courting' me what I think is that we just have a very good friendship that is deepening into something else. Good or bad? idk yet. Look up the initial post of many OWs and OMs in this forum for the last 2-3 years. All of them contain the above paragraph. I know how it feels. It seems the two of you are the first ones in the world to discover this. As you know it has been done before, don't fool yourself. Your H does not sound like a good H. Unless, you are doing the typical re-writing of marital history to justify your EA. But!!!!!!!!!!! If your H is a you describe I suggest you ask for a divorce so you can have a proper relationship with this individual. But, there is always the possibility you are a bit of a cake eater. Been there done that!!!!!!!!!!!:laugh: 1
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Oh, I don't delude myself into thinking that we are the first people to experience this...but I do know that this is the first time in my life that I've experienced this...with anyone.
Pierre Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Oh, I don't delude myself into thinking that we are the first people to experience this...but I do know that this is the first time in my life that I've experienced this...with anyone. What?????????????????????????????:(:( You got married without feeling those butterflies??:sick: Why?? For the love of God, what is going on with you? Or are you simply using another sentence that all newbies use in their first post? Or are you one of those that only remembers the last great meal you had yesterday? A gerat men five years ago is meaningless?
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 ...and rather than starting a new thread I'll continue on with this one. Pierre, It's a long story that I'm not going to share here on this board. Like I said before if you want to talk to me about that we can take it to the marriage board. Here...all I want to do is talk about my friend and myself and what/who/how did I find myself here. I'm not a cheater. Yea, I know how that sounds...when it was done to me I was literally devastated, blindsided, and just a mess. I know how much it hurts to be on that side of things...I don't wish that on my worst enemy. Yet, here I am...emotionally cheating...and I don't want to stop. That's the thing. I just don't want to stop. This man....I never knew there were such men in this world. I truly believed that most (if not all) men were/are...small, egotistical, bull-headed, mean spirited, liars...except my Daddy of course (lol). If this man is even half of what I see him to be...yes, I'm amazed...and humbled, to be honest. He has more class in his little finger than all the men I've ever known. Honestly, I think I've shut myself down for a long time, to exist...to live without pain/hurt...I live a happy life. I can be happy in just about any situation. I've learned how to be that type of person. Know this man has made me *want* to be open again...and it's pretty scary to want that, knowing what I know about life & pain...but something inside of me is not only reaching for that....something is crying for that... I don't know if it's this man or something in me....or something else...that compels me towards this...maybe I'm just crazy, that's the way it feels sometimes. Like I'm just nuts. I'm doing things I've never done...things I'd never have considered doing in the past. And then I think it can't be good. This can't be good. No good can come of this...not like this, not in this way....but it feels good, right and healthy...He feels healthy. I know that sounds weird but it's what I feel from him... His life is in chaos...there are things he's dealing with that are substantial...and yet, he's still smiling, still happy...and it amazes me that he can have all of that on his plate and he's not slinging crap at everyone around him or doing the pity party thing.
The Way I Am Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 So why haven't you started the divorce process so you're free to explore the possibility of a relationship with this guy? 1
Pierre Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 This man....I never knew there were such men in this world. I truly believed that most (if not all) men were/are...small, egotistical, bull-headed, mean spirited, liars...except my Daddy of course (lol). If this man is even half of what I see him to be...yes, I'm amazed...and humbled, to be honest. He has more class in his little finger than all the men I've ever known. He is truly great or he knows how to talk to women. Whatever, he is doing is working. It will only be a short time before you sleep with him. However, if he is truly a great guy he will not sleep with you because you are married. If he is just a typical needy player he will sleep with you. The question is: What will you do???:love:
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 (edited) ok, lets take it to the marriage board...if anyone truly wants to talk to me about this go there and talk to me. I'll start a thread there just for you all to speak your truth at me. ADDING: There's a new thread over in the marriage section titled "The Reasons" if any of you want to talk to me about this aspect of my dilemma. I truly would appreciate any thoughts you all want to send my way. Edited July 29, 2013 by Confusion_Reigns
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