How to speed things up with this girl?

[white]

antagonistic balls

 

Hi. Please do not talk to women here or elsewhere on my behalf as a man. I don't want to be associated with you and your views. You speak only for yourself.

[therhythm]

Yes, many men shame women all the time for wanting a relationship.

 

You lie and manipulate to make them think you are looking for a relationship with them, or a relationship at all. That is a form of shaming.

 

You might convince yourself that women are 'holding out' on vagina to secure a relationship... since that makes it easier for you to exercise your own version of woman-hatred on her.... But the reality is, smart women simply avoid mean men or possibly violent men by obliging them to take some time getting to know her.

 

If you care to quote statistics, I can quote statistics all day regarding the male/female ratio of serial killers, rapists... on down to the annoying and relatively more harmless alcoholic, drug addict, and serial cheater.... fine distinction of which are occupied mostly by men.

 

... but I agree with you on one thing... no sense getting mad at snakes for being snakes.

 

They have no other way to be. Just best to avoid them.

 

But please don't tell us that all men are all one way and all want what you do.... even *I* corrected the prior poster on that.

 

I wonder why do you try even to date men? Why would you have any interest in something so horrible as men are? Have you ever considered dating women?

[RedRobin]

OP, I sincerely apologize for my part in your thread going way off topic.

 

... so back on topic... For your own best interest, I'd suggest at least trying to understand what I'm trying to tell you.

 

The unsophisticated way you have done things in the past and might have worked to get you laid, is probably NOT going to work all that well on attracting a woman who is your peer... which it sounds like what you want now.

 

Different goals require different approaches, is all I'm saying. We have given you a few suggestions on how to turn things around... I also gave you some insight onto what impression you might be leaving, by doing things the way you've done in the past.

 

Good luck! I hope it works out for you. Truly.

[SoulJazzBlues]

Some of the comments made on this thread highly suggest some folk are projecting their own experiences on the OP.

 

Anyways.

 

I used to work in a hospital and let me tell you, they are legitimately hectic and busy. One of the reasons many doctors date other doctors as trying to explain their schedule, being on call, cancelling plans last minute are all part of the package.

 

If I was her, I wouldn't be inclined to start making major changes to my life simply from a guy I went out on two dates with. So I don't think you can "speed" this up. Frankly, you need to decide whether her lifestyle is compatible with yours. Do you think the long term is worth it?

 

If yes, then you will have to accept the one date a week for a while I'd say. But as suggested, plan dates at the end of each dates however keeping in mind they may get shifted or cancelled.

[theloyalone1]

I agree If. A guy asked me to "crash" that would make me think of him wanting one thing only. I understand that wasn't your intentions,but that's how it came across. And I do understand that u just want her to show more with texting u etcdo u guys have skype? Don't knw if this may help but inbetween u guys ccan rtalk and see one another to keep the spark

[rando9009]

Ok so update on the situation. Alot of people have been telling me on here to "man up" and initiate more etc. Maybe true.

 

This weekend we texted back and forth a little with some pictures (nothing dirty, just what we were doing). She was up north with friends partying, and I was doing the same in a different area. I initiated the contact, but she quickly and continually responded multiple times.

 

I texted her again later on the next day (last Sunday), finding out how she was feeling after all that fun etc, and then go to asking her to dinner this week. She first said "I have to work till 730 every night :/ ", I said nothing for a bit. About 5 mins later she followed up with "we could do a late dinner?".

 

I agreed. We went back and forth about what day works best. On my female friends advice I decided just to call her at this point instead of all this texting. She answered right away, sounded a little sleepy (so was I) but we chatted a little about the night before, and then I moved on to trying to get a feel for and set up a plan.

 

At last we left it, she told me that it was between Wends or Fri. Friday sounded like it would work better so I suggested that. She said ok let me check my schedule tomorrow and I'll let you know FOR SURE by Tuesday night. We said goodnight.

 

Here we are, 9pm Tuesday night, and I have NOT heard anything from her. Very frustrating. She was interested enough to talk on the phone the other night, but not follow up with me now. Lets face it... if she was excited about the date she would be itching to text me back.

 

What the he11 do I do now? I'm torn between sending her a quick "so dinner Fri night work then?" or just leaving it. If I say something I feel like I'm doing too much attraction killing chasing then. Should I say something now, wait till tomorrow, ideas?

[SantistaUSA]

Ok so update on the situation. Alot of people have been telling me on here to "man up" and initiate more etc. Maybe true.

 

This weekend we texted back and forth a little with some pictures (nothing dirty, just what we were doing). She was up north with friends partying, and I was doing the same in a different area. I initiated the contact, but she quickly and continually responded multiple times.

 

I texted her again later on the next day (last Sunday), finding out how she was feeling after all that fun etc, and then go to asking her to dinner this week. She first said "I have to work till 730 every night :/ ", I said nothing for a bit. About 5 mins later she followed up with "we could do a late dinner?".

 

I agreed. We went back and forth about what day works best. On my female friends advice I decided just to call her at this point instead of all this texting. She answered right away, sounded a little sleepy (so was I) but we chatted a little about the night before, and then I moved on to trying to get a feel for and set up a plan.

 

At last we left it, she told me that it was between Wends or Fri. Friday sounded like it would work better so I suggested that. She said ok let me check my schedule tomorrow and I'll let you know FOR SURE by Tuesday night. We said goodnight.

 

Here we are, 9pm Tuesday night, and I have NOT heard anything from her. Very frustrating. She was interested enough to talk on the phone the other night, but not follow up with me now. Lets face it... if she was excited about the date she would be itching to text me back.

 

What the he11 do I do now? I'm torn between sending her a quick "so dinner Fri night work then?" or just leaving it. If I say something I feel like I'm doing too much attraction killing chasing then. Should I say something now, wait till tomorrow, ideas?

 

I know it is hard, but I would wait a little, if I remember correctly she works in a hospital etc, she's probably real busy, so I would wait a little longer, it sucks but don't put too much pressure on her.

[tbf]

What the he11 do I do now? I'm torn between sending her a quick "so dinner Fri night work then?" or just leaving it. If I say something I feel like I'm doing too much attraction killing chasing then. Should I say something now, wait till tomorrow, ideas?

If she doesn't respond by tonight, start asking other women out. You've done more than enough.

[rando9009]

If she doesn't respond by tonight, start asking other women out. You've done more than enough.

 

Another update on the situation, and question.

 

I did not text her that Tuesday night (see my last post), and she wound up texting me at 7am the next day along the lines of "hey, sorry I just realized I forgot to text you back yesterday... lets plan on Friday still". A part of me says "BS" you don't just forget something like that, but I was happy to get the text. We chatted back and forth all day Wendsday and then Thursday. I was actually pretty surprised. She was actually initiating the conversation, sending me pics (snapchat), and seemed like a switch had been flicked turning her more in the direction of what I was hoping for.

 

Anyways.. she came over last night straight from work, stopped in my house quickly to change into a dress (fancier place for dinner, good thing she must be comfortable enough to change at my house..?) and I drove us over to the restaurant. It was a very nice little place, we got beautiful dishes and I ordered us a bottle of wine. Nothing too fancy but still about $100 with tip, but I didn't mind I enjoyed it.

 

Now she was admitting to me that it has been a long day and that she is sorry if she seems a little scatterbrained and tired. Totally fine I understand she had been at an school exam and then work for the past 12 hours. Conversation was ok, nothing spectacular, but overall I think it was a nice dinner.

 

After dinner she suggested we go to another place for one more drink. We did, and it was nice again, better conversation, a little touching (me touching her playfully), but thats about it. She got to talking about her schedule and hopefully that within a week or two things should settle down for a bit, hopefully..

 

We drove back to my house, I knew she had to get going (was midnight and she had to meet someone do some bridesmaid duties at like 9am and had to drive all the way home). I knew based on the situation that it was pointless asking her to come in or spend the night, since I knew she hadn't been home all day and had stuff to do. I walked her to her car, she gave me a hug and a kiss (more of a peck kiss on the lips this time, no make out) and we said bye. I decided to text her a playfully joking "goodnight sleepy girl ;-)" to which she responded "night :)"

 

Doesn't sound so bad right? Well I'm just feeling a little low about it already this morning. I know that I probably wont see her for at least another week if we make plans, and here we are again, stuck in place. I would love to be a little more intimate (again sex Nazi's, not necessarily talking about that) such as hand holding or even her just stopping back at my place to watch some tv or a movie to cuddle type deal. Don't mean to sound too girly but you get what I'm saying. It's just hard for me to try to initiate all of that when she has such a tight schedule (can never just come up and chill or spend the night) and were always at a public bar or restaurant. I'm sorry but I'm not much of a big PDA guy. Now maybe I should've just manned up and grabbed her hand or something, but based on the situation I felt it would've been awkward. She tells me that she spends the night over at her friends sometimes during the week because that's the only time she can spend time with ppl, I'm surprised she wouldn't do that with me? Probably just thinks its too early, but really?

 

I like her, I get the schedule, and I get that its only our 3-4 date (if you count the first meet), but I guess I expected more in terms of romantic escalation from this date, not just another chat around a table and peck kiss. But again, I don't know that I could have made any big moves based on our situation. A guy has to feel that invite from the girl a little in my opinion before any of that.

 

I almost feel like texting her about this later today. In a nice way something like "hey, so last night was fun. I've got a question for you though. I know that we've only been on a few dates and not rushing into anything, just fun for now, but how do you feel about the speed of this?" and depending on what she says back let her know how I feel.

 

Maybe I should just forget about it and see how she is next week, since we were both pretty tired last night. Idk.

 

At the same time I think this could be a bad idea? What do you think? I know some will say tell her this in person, but that won't be for at least a good week if that. And a phone call? We've talked on the phone but I think having a conversation like that over the phone might be awkward?

 

Thoughts? I really want to talk to her about this, but I know I risk scaring her off as well.

Edited August 3, 2013 by rando9009

[curlygirl40]

Hi Rando

 

I'm a little late coming to this thread but wanted to put in my thoughts.

 

To answer your question, I don't think you can do anything to speed up the situation.

 

It's where she's at in her life. She's busy, not just blowing you off (my opinion). So either you accept her where she's at and enjoy the time that you have with her and progress things slowly and enjoy getting to know her, or you decide you're not compatible and you move along.

 

Unfortunately I'm not sure what else you can do.

 

I think you're stuck in a spot where you do need to keep up the initiating contact and initiating dates to let her know you're interested, but then also be careful you're not coming on too strong because it will make her feel smothered with everything else she has going on in her life.

 

You want her to enjoy your time together and not feel like another 'have to' in her life. But if the pace does not work for you, then of course you can move along, but I don't think you can push it to move at a quicker pace.

 

Now, I'm quite a bit older but even in my experience, as a girl, I let the guy do a majority (if not 100%) of the initiating in the beginning. I just do. And a lot of women will agree with me although we get beat up for it a lot on these boards.

 

So it might not be that she's not as interested in you as you are in her, it just might be that she's letting you drive the bus in the beginning. As many of us do.

 

If she continues to go out with you and continues to respond enthusiastically when you do call and text, just assume that's a good sign and go from there.

 

Enjoy getting to know her and if at any point this just isn't going to work for you anymore because of her schedule, then you're just not compatible and you should probably move on. If you think she's worth it and your interest is high, then keep chugging along as long as you see signs that she's still interested (agreeing to your date ideas when she can and if she can't then suggesting alternative days, relatively quick enthusiastic responses to your contact).

 

And also, just as a note, even at my age if I'm not ready to have sex with a guy, I avoid being alone at his place or mine like I would avoid hot lava. Even if you're craving some affection and would not push sex, she just might not be comfortable at this point so don't take that as a negative at this point.

 

I know it's frustrating. When I'm first dating a guy that I'm interested in, I get tired of parking lot kisses goodbye and want to sometimes fast forward to the part where we're cuddled up on the couch watching a movie. Try to enjoy this getting to know you part though, that's the good stuff too.

 

Best of luck!!

[curlygirl40]

I almost feel like texting her about this later today. In a nice way something like "hey, so last night was fun. I've got a question for you though. I know that we've only been on a few dates and not rushing into anything, just fun for now, but how do you feel about the speed of this?" and depending on what she says back let her know how I feel.

 

Maybe I should just forget about it and see how she is next week, since we were both pretty tired last night. Idk.

 

At the same time I think this could be a bad idea? What do you think? I know some will say tell her this in person, but that won't be for at least a good week if that. And a phone call? We've talked on the phone but I think having a conversation like that over the phone might be awkward?

 

Thoughts? I really want to talk to her about this, but I know I risk scaring her off as well.

 

I personally wouldn't. Time tells all tales. Wait it out and you will have your answer. I think it's too risky.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I'm getting the impression at this point that she isn't that interested and not really feeling the chemistry although she's having a nice time with you and you're essentially wining and dining her, which is all fair and nice, it was your choice and you accept that.

 

I think you've been consistent and shown plenty of interest, I understand her schedule as well but I don't think that's the entirety of it, I had a long-term relationship with someone who was in medical school/residency so I know the schedule can leave very little free time and be exhausting, it just may be she doesn't really have the time to do everything she feels like doing right now...friends, family, etc...it is a stress on the relationship, you sacrifice a lot.

 

Therefore I think it's a bad idea for you in general to pursue this woman, she doesn't seem to have the time available (although that may change, she'll have different rotations and her schedule may change, meaning she can go from super busy to having much more free time. However I don't know if you have the strength and connection to rely on something like that, I wouldn't be thinking long-term, plus to be honest you do seem a bit entitled and seem to think very highly of yourself and may be taking this as a hit to your pride and ego...however, I believe you are interested in this girl and want to spend more time getting to know her and you've been flexible in doing so.

 

I think you've got to be patient or just tell her maybe some other time when she is more available you can date and see where it goes from there, but it doesn't work for you right now, you're having trouble building any kind of relationship with her without seeing/talking to her often...which is all fair and well, It's important she prioritizes school and her future, not a man she's just dating.

 

I think you're better off putting this on the side right now and continuing on, she's just not giving you a lot right now and I don't think you should do anything to try and force/change the dynamic, I think that'll just come off the wrong way and not very understanding on your part, especially if it comes off as an ultimatum...I know you like this girl but I know there's some ego/pride going on there too, you can't win all the battles and sometimes it's the wrong place and time. But like I said, she's probably not that interested in you...at least thus far.

[Babolat]

OP, while you are busy painting yourself as the 3 date or dump guy, it sounds like the girl you are interested in is busy building a life for herself and TRYING to get to know you.

 

Trust me... if you try to weasel yourself into another 'f me now' situation like you did with your 'crash' invitation, you are likely to get dumped yourself... or, maybe, just maybe, you'll get the random date every once in awhile when she's feeling lonely. Heck, she might even sleep with you... but you will never be relationship material for her.

 

If she has half a brain, AND, she legitimately is interested in potentially pursuing a relationship with you, she will not accept another date with you that either starts or ends, or suggests, anywhere near your house or hers for quite awhile longer.

 

You don't like that? Date fun-time girls who don't care what kind of guys they sleep with.

 

Um, sorry... I mean... who are ok getting to know you sexually before getting to know you personally.

 

My thoughts exactly...you talk about not having success when it goes fast, yet you are trying to do that again here, especially with the crash comment and your comment on her looks. You are lucky she has not walked on you.

[Babolat]

Nah, but maybe a simple call or text from her at this point would be nice...

 

You guys are missing the point. This post is not about the sex. That would just be icing on the cake. But I'm ok with eating some icing less cake for awhile.

 

It IS about sex; that's what we are telling you, otherwise you would not be posting this. And it's OK, you two are probably after different points in your life. Maybe she is just too busy for you....

[Babolat]

Another update on the situation, and question.

 

I did not text her that Tuesday night (see my last post), and she wound up texting me at 7am the next day along the lines of "hey, sorry I just realized I forgot to text you back yesterday... lets plan on Friday still". A part of me says "BS" you don't just forget something like that, but I was happy to get the text. We chatted back and forth all day Wendsday and then Thursday. I was actually pretty surprised. She was actually initiating the conversation, sending me pics (snapchat), and seemed like a switch had been flicked turning her more in the direction of what I was hoping for.

 

Anyways.. she came over last night straight from work, stopped in my house quickly to change into a dress (fancier place for dinner, good thing she must be comfortable enough to change at my house..?) and I drove us over to the restaurant. It was a very nice little place, we got beautiful dishes and I ordered us a bottle of wine. Nothing too fancy but still about $100 with tip, but I didn't mind I enjoyed it.

 

Now she was admitting to me that it has been a long day and that she is sorry if she seems a little scatterbrained and tired. Totally fine I understand she had been at an school exam and then work for the past 12 hours. Conversation was ok, nothing spectacular, but overall I think it was a nice dinner.

 

After dinner she suggested we go to another place for one more drink. We did, and it was nice again, better conversation, a little touching (me touching her playfully), but thats about it. She got to talking about her schedule and hopefully that within a week or two things should settle down for a bit, hopefully..

 

We drove back to my house, I knew she had to get going (was midnight and she had to meet someone do some bridesmaid duties at like 9am and had to drive all the way home). I knew based on the situation that it was pointless asking her to come in or spend the night, since I knew she hadn't been home all day and had stuff to do. I walked her to her car, she gave me a hug and a kiss (more of a peck kiss on the lips this time, no make out) and we said bye. I decided to text her a playfully joking "goodnight sleepy girl ;-)" to which she responded "night :)"

 

Doesn't sound so bad right? Well I'm just feeling a little low about it already this morning. I know that I probably wont see her for at least another week if we make plans, and here we are again, stuck in place. I would love to be a little more intimate (again sex Nazi's, not necessarily talking about that) such as hand holding or even her just stopping back at my place to watch some tv or a movie to cuddle type deal. Don't mean to sound too girly but you get what I'm saying. It's just hard for me to try to initiate all of that when she has such a tight schedule (can never just come up and chill or spend the night) and were always at a public bar or restaurant. I'm sorry but I'm not much of a big PDA guy. Now maybe I should've just manned up and grabbed her hand or something, but based on the situation I felt it would've been awkward. She tells me that she spends the night over at her friends sometimes during the week because that's the only time she can spend time with ppl, I'm surprised she wouldn't do that with me? Probably just thinks its too early, but really?

 

I like her, I get the schedule, and I get that its only our 3-4 date (if you count the first meet), but I guess I expected more in terms of romantic escalation from this date, not just another chat around a table and peck kiss. But again, I don't know that I could have made any big moves based on our situation. A guy has to feel that invite from the girl a little in my opinion before any of that.

 

I almost feel like texting her about this later today. In a nice way something like "hey, so last night was fun. I've got a question for you though. I know that we've only been on a few dates and not rushing into anything, just fun for now, but how do you feel about the speed of this?" and depending on what she says back let her know how I feel.

 

Maybe I should just forget about it and see how she is next week, since we were both pretty tired last night. Idk.

 

At the same time I think this could be a bad idea? What do you think? I know some will say tell her this in person, but that won't be for at least a good week if that. And a phone call? We've talked on the phone but I think having a conversation like that over the phone might be awkward?

 

Thoughts? I really want to talk to her about this, but I know I risk scaring her off as well.

 

Why are you talking about her changing in your house, how much dinner cost, wanting more, making moves....

 

Take what she is offering, or not...it's really your choice. THIS girl would be very attractive to me at this point...she sounds real, confident, going slow, being honest with you, and she does not want to see you every minute of your life...SHE has a life of her own......

[Versacehottie]

This is my first post! Anyway, I read this thread a couple of days ago and couldn't stop thinking about it. This whole forum is interesting in that it can be scary to put too much weight into what other posters think of your situation. Let's face it no one really knows. And lots of the advice is colored by each person personal focus which may or may not have much to do with your actual situation. I feel bad that you got jumped on about asking your girl to stay over. Depends on the way it's said...But I'm a girl here who most likely wouldn't take offense or think it was only about sex that you asked. I wonder what is happening now with the two of you. I hope that you didn't have any "talk" with her....or if you did it was light-hearted or humorous. I think that she's busy and spending some of what little free time she has with you is great! No talk necessary. I think she is interested enough. If i was as busy as she is (and I have been), I wouldn't waste my time going out with someone I didn't like. You're right that you may have different standards of pace. And hers may just be situational (basically med school). Honestly when you describe her, it sounds like a girl who is worth hanging in there for. I would recommend being a bit busier yourself to take your mind off wanting to speed things up and even dating another girl or two that way you can put your feelings in perspective, ie see if you are truly excited about this girl or the prospect of a relationship. But I totally get it--it's hard when you're excited about a person! I would just recommend not overthinking it and focus on having fun. I think taking that sort of attitude when you see her will give her the "space" to "see" how great being with you will be. When a person wants something to happen or is worried about the "script" of a date, I think the other person can feel it and you don't come off as attractive as you likely are. Balance what she gives and what you give. Plus the "fun attitude"/carefree will probably have her trying harder with you. Supply and demand---it's the most natural law of life. Lastly, the only thing that I think you could do that will make things more clear and you less frustrated is don't expect her to initiate contact first! Like someone said above, most girls, especially those WORTH dating, expect the guy to do this. She sounds like a confident girl with a lot to offer. I know from experience of myself and my friends, we are most attracted to guys that are confident to go after what they want, including the dates they want to have with us. Think of it as a positive that you are the one initiating--I would!! If a girl initiates, she feels like she is throwing herself at a guy and is never quite sure that they would have asked her out of their own accord. As your relationship develops, of course she will reach out to your first sometimes. Good luck!